I am dreading going back to work.

Before I angst about this, I need to say: I love my job. Being a teen librarian is amazing. I feel overwhelmed most of the time, of course, keeping track of so very many things is insane, but I love that I get to work with teens & books and I get to create and run programming for them. I get to pick books for the collection, create displays, show movies, run craft programs like making Galaxy T-shirts, Harry Potter holiday tree ornaments, mug painting, etc. It really is a perfect job for me. But I am not ready to go back.

I don’t trust every member of the public to comply with health and safety protocols. I try to stay away from the news because it’s awful but I have still heard about all the protesters without masks screaming to get back to normal, the customers in stores who spit on or assault workers who ask them to please use a mask, and the people who get screamed at in public for wearing masks. It makes me wonder what will happen when we start allowing patrons in to use the computers by appointment, it makes me wonder even more how patrons will take being told they need to wait because there are already 20 people in the building and we’re only allowing that many in at a time. It makes me nervous. People can be so entitled sometimes. “I just need to….”

A long time ago, before the sickness came, people would sometimes pop in at about 5 minutes to closing and turn on one of the computers we’d shut down 10 minutes before, and tell us they just needed to print out a few pages. The problem of course is that it takes time to get the computer running, online, etc, and the printer takes time to wake back up etc, and we shut them down 15 minutes ahead of closing so we can leave at closing time. Of course when we explain that, and inform them of our hours etc, most people are apologetic, they were just in a rush. Sometimes they have rushed to us straight after work and absolutely need what they are printing for their employer, the courts, to submit for a benefit or some other important reason, and they are crestfallen at both not being able to do what they need to and for bothering us. I tend to find it in my heart to print those documents and go home a little late and happily I have my boss’s support on that. Then there are the people who are outraged that library policies have become inconvenient to them. They are rare, and maybe they are having a really bad day, I don’t know, but they decide in that moment to take it out on us. So far this has been muttering, storming out, little things.

My worry is that 2-3 months of being restricted to their homes and essential trips has probably not sweetened anyone’s temper. They are frustrated, they want things to be the way they were, they need what they need. Maybe they have somehow been lucky enough not to be close to anyone who has become seriously ill from this virus and they think it’s no big deal, maybe they think their robust immune system would kick its ass, maybe they believe we just need to accept thousands of deaths a day from this horror as the price of doing business. I don’t know where their hostility springs from but I do know there is a subset of the population that views any inconvenience to them to be a violation of some imagined civil right and I am not excited about having to ask those people to wait for the health and safety of their neighbors, or to wear a mask and maintain social distance, I worry that it won’t go well.

My director is back to work full time as of today. The rest of us will be asked to resume a slightly altered schedule as soon as next week. The library will be locked at first, for some indeterminate time, and we will be doing curbside pickup and possibly drop off as well. The next phase we will allow patrons to make appointments to come inside to use the computers. The library doors will still be locked and we will be cleaning everything like maniacs. We have phases after that, none with any time frame yet, of 25%, 50%, 75%, and finally back to normal levels, unlocked doors, etc. Not that I think we’ll get there. I think we are going to see the infection rate start climbing before we get to the phase of letting patrons in for computer use. I think we’re all going to be forced to rush back into isolation with more of us sick, and people will continue to die of this thing. I am not going to bring this virus home to my family. Everyone else here is off the hook about making a call on getting back out there until fall. I’m scrambling to make a decision possibly within this very week.

Having a couple of my friends infected is not making this easy. I hope they will be ok. They seem to be improving a bit so I’m hopeful. My husband’s auntie seems to be recovering really well so far, so that’s good. I’m just nervous for them and for us. We have been so careful. We isolated early and completely. We haven’t had in person contact with anyone since early March so we should be clear of this thing. But the number of infected is still rising in this country, in my state, and we should not be heading back yet. I’m scared I may have to quit the job I love. It seems insane, I’ll never be able to replace it, I know this, but I am considering quitting. I’m ok with going back to a locked building with no contact with the public, masks and social distancing with my coworkers, etc. Maybe the numbers will spike before we open the doors and I can run home and hide again, I don’t know. It seems like a horrible thing to hope for but if we as a state/country/world are really going to go ahead and start reopening, well, it’s the only realistic thing I can hope for to keep my family safe. I’d rather everything stayed shut and that the government would help those who need help in every way they truly should until it is actually safe to go back out there. I wish that no new infections would happen at all, and that those infected would all recover and be ok again, but apparently it doesn’t matter what I wish, alas.

More Bad News

So, we played games with our ailing friend’s girlfriend online last night, in an attempt to cheer and/or distract her, and found out she is ill with Covid-19 too. She’s barely eating, sleeping a ton, and “is fine” unless she stands up. If she stands up she gets short of breath. She insists she’s fine, nowhere near as bad as our friend, and she laughed when we said we were going to text her more often to make sure she’s still alright. She said other people are already doing that, like her mother, she laughed and said; “I’m afraid one morning I’ll sleep till 11:00 and wake up to paramedics breaking the door down.” We said we’ll try not to be too jumpy about it but we will be checking on her.

Also yesterday, I got an email from my boss that said in part that we might be returning to work as early as June 8th. I don’t like that at all. I think we’re going to see a spike in Covid cases shortly after that date and I don’t want to break isolation just so I can get exposed and bring this thing home to my family. This thing was scary enough before when our immediate connection to it was confined to a few elderly relatives (our relatives and friend’s relatives). Now it has actually put a friend of ours in the hospital and made another friend (his GF) ill enough to be concerning. She’s alone with their cats, under quarantine, unable to see the man she loves while he is very ill and hospitalized. All we can do is try to spend time with her online and check in and try to make sure she’s hydrating and eating. I wish I could do more to help. Gods, I hope they will both be ok.

Accomplished

For those of us who haven’t gotten sick, or been consumed with caring for someone who did, who aren’t frontline healthcare workers pressed into crazy, heroic efforts and exhaustion in service to their fellow humans, and who have managed to stay home without undue suffering… have had a chance to do things we might normally not have the time for. I know I have at least. As strange and scary as it has all been, and as much as I care about the suffering of others, I have had time for things I’ve previously neglected.

I’m reading again, for real, finishing novels, reading modules for an upcoming game, etc.
I’m writing again, keeping a bit of a journal, blogging more regularly, etc.
Got the shed set up for art and, basically, glamping.
Gaming. I think I am currently in 3 RPGs and getting ready to run a 4th.
Baking, I bake again. More scones, cookies, and brownies have been made during the pandemic than in the previous year, probably, I don’t track this stuff.
Professional development. I am learning so much in online classes and webinars that will make me better at my job it’s crazy.
Set the deck up for BBQs, lunches in the fresh air, and hammock lying.

The first month of self-isolation was not very productive at all. I think the worry, stress and fear made focus impossible for me. My husband was ill and getting 3 breathing treatments a day, I had had the flu, our son was recovering from 4 impacted wisdom teeth and the surgery to remove them, the younger 2 kids were struggling to learn from home, my eldest had quit her job to protect my husband from exposure, (assuming he didn’t have the damn thing which was never confirmed because why test someone who is obviously ill and stuff?) and we were all just stressed to the max. Yeah, that month, possibly more, was pure survival mode, though we all felt the relief introverts feel when they get to turtle-up at home, and kept insisting we were fine, we had no focus and a lot of worries.

Things are mostly better these days, we have new stresses, like our bosses talking about returning to work while the number of covid-19 cases continues to climb throughout the country. I can’t tell you how reluctant I am to return to work. A friend who works at a national insurance company told us they are not being asked to consider coming back to the office until after Labor Day and that is not carved in stone. I hate how there is no real safety net and no real help so that everyone is desperate to get back to work. We all deserve better.

More & Less

I want to change my life. This isn’t about being fed up with staying home, disinfecting my groceries, never seeing people in person unless I live with them, etc. Hopefully things will get better in those ways if we can all just not make things worse for a while and amazing scientists can create a super good vaccine. I mean I want to change my day to day life, the way I live, the way I spend my time. I also would love to save money, because we have dreams, we want to travel and see the world someday… when people can do that sort of thing again.

See, I don’t think it’s possible to calculate how much time I’ve wasted watching T.V., playing solo video games, screwing around on the computer, and so forth. It’s an unknown quantity, but it’s BIG. Binge watching is my default. If one show is good 8 in a row is better. I’m not saying these activities are utterly without value, not at all, just… when they become too big for their britches, well, what do you end up with? What are you left with in the end? Nothing. And it’s worse than that because, if these activities take over, you’ve LOST something that can never be replaced: Time. Our lives are made of time but we can never make any more of it. I heard this somewhere recently but it’s escaping me now: “We can’t make time, we can only take time.” It is the most finite of resources and we sell it away so we can eat and be warm and safe and, crazily, we “kill” it, whiling away hours on top of hours in mindless or useless pursuits. And then we wonder, sadly, regretfully, why we don’t have time for important things.

Question 1 for myself: What do I want more of in my life?

Experiences
music
baking & cooking
time with my hubby to relax, unwind, and connect
time with the kids w/ real interaction and meaning
sharing of life skills with the kids
reading
art
writing
a neat, restful, peaceful home
better health
time in nature
laughter
time with friends
Connection/Community
fun!
Enthusiasm!
LIFE!!!!

Question 2 for myself: What do I need to cut out to get more of what I want in life?

T.V. (or excessive TV, since a little bit is ok?)
Mindlessly surfing the web, playing online games etc.
video games, maybe can keep a litte? but seriously, fun as they are: what do I have when I’m done?
Less time in my room alone. (Basically accomplished by dropping 1-3)
We can and should drop at least 2 of the 4 streaming services we currently have. (how did this even happen? I mean, all together they cost less than cable would but STILL.)
Clutter/excess stuff
junk food
Take out food/eating out mindlessly.
most alcohol (ie “it’s Tuesday” is not a real reason to open a bottle of wine)
Shopping.

Shopping. Shopping is huge. It’s an activity that is just begging to be abused especially in our consumer culture. I have used shopping as a social activity when I didn’t actually need to buy anything, as a pick-me-up when I ‘m blue, (OOO, look, Bargains!) as a sport, (again, bargains, I am Awesome at it!) as a way to kill time while waiting for someone, something, some event, etc., because I deserve __________, a treat, etc. and from a feeling like I might be missing out if I don’t go. I need to appreciate all that we have and stop adding to what is already too much.

Our worst budget-offense seems to have been take out meals. I don’t know how it got that way aside from me getting burnt out because I am the only one who really knows how to cook and I get wildly sick of doing it sometimes. That and migraines, poor sleep, stress, and how damn easy it was in the days before the sickness came to just order food and go and get it. We justified it way more often than we should have. Between that and my shopping “for bargains” because I know that was more money than I would probably be willing to accept, we must have been spending a ton. Somehow, our savings is actually trending in an upwards direction despite not having the rental income from our little apartment. We are both working from home but our income has dropped by a significant amount with the apartment empty, yet somehow, because we have barely had any take out and I haven’t been shopping as a sport, our savings has grown. And that with an increase in grocery spending.

Note: These revelations are brought to you by; The Year of Less; by Cait Flanders, and time spent in my 30 yards from the house getaway spot: The Airy-Fairy Peace, Love and Granola Hippie Fort & Art Studio. I’ve seen some harsh reviews of Cait’s book and I seriously just don’t get it. My guess is that people bought it wanting/expecting a how-to spend less kind of book, but it is clearly a memoir. The author is super clear that the book is basically all the stuff she went through while on her spend less journey that she didn’t include in her blog. So, it isn’t some step-by-step how-to book, though she does include her shopping ban rules, revised rules and some tips to get people started on their own journeys. What I find in her book is inspiration. Her life is/was very different from mine. She was single, in her 20s, and had a drinking problem and a spending problem that were both dragging her down. She was starting and developing a career and just in a very different place from me. I am a grown woman, well into adulthood, I am married with 3 adult and near adult kids, a house, etc. We don’t have the kind of debt she did. Getting drunk and forgetting things isn’t a thing. (my memory issues are more age or stress than anything else) But this young woman’s memoirs have much of value for me. She figured out some really important things well before I did and I’m so happy she decided to share her story.

So, thanks Cait! I am definitely going to keep working at this.

Thursday Thoughts

My son’s birthday is coming up. He’ll be turning 18 in quarantine. I’m doing what I can, got him a few presents and they arrived and are hidden. They aren’t much but they are what I can do under the circumstances. A few books, a sweatshirt, and I got him a special quarantine birthday banner and cake topper which should get here in time. Kind of an insane indulgence really, but he’s turning 18, I want to decorate and make it as special as possible. I’ll be making a cake and hoping to be able to get some ice cream too. He wants a certain kind of pizza and getting that will just depend on whether they do curbside pick up or not. We will be playing an RPG that day as per my son’s request. I will do whatever I can to make sure the snacks are epic. I really want to try to get the lad some Virgil’s Root Beer, it’s his favorite. We’ll see if I can manage it.

We’re having warm days and cool nights lately and we’re keeping a lot of windows open. That means the cats are now obsessed with bird watching. All winter they ignored the birds, pretty much, but the birds are more active now and the cats can hear them better and smell them. So now they are glued to the windows chattering at the birds. The dog is even more vigilant about defending our borders now too. She doesn’t like people walking down the sidewalk across the street, or being out in their yards, or other dogs existing. She pretty much hates all living things, really, so she barks out the window now whenever she sees dogs or people. At least she’s started ignoring the rabbits and squirrels for the most part.

Work is starting to ramp up for me as we scramble to try and pull together some kind of activities for summer reading. I’m doing ok, it’s just weird trying to plan to do a bunch of stuff with no in person programming. I’m trying to set up virtual book clubs, take home craft activities, and put together materials for those who want to take part in the fairy tale and ghost story writing contest I’m hoping will actually happen. I’m supposed to come up with prizes somehow too. EEEEEEEK. That’s definitely a tricky bit. I think I need to go hide in a video game for a bit.

Day 69: Date Night Apocalypse Edition! (etc)

Still in quarantine. Still working and schooling from home. Our state is kinda-sorta starting to open up starting on Monday, I mean, not really, they are being very cautious, thank the gods. But supposedly more businesses get to open, at least if they have no contact with the public? Or something? I do not believe this will affect my job. I think I will still be working from home and so will my husband so it won’t have much impact here. The kids are certainly not headed back to school.

Whether or not the library opens in some strange, restricted fashion, I know all summer programming will be virtual. I’m supposed to have a list of activities, crafts, etc ready by next friday for my boss, I need to sort out prizes/rewards, I need to get a lot done actually, somehow, really quickly. I’m supposed to make all these decisions, I’m supposed to come up with prizes when I can’t go shopping and can’t count on delivery dates and such. Makes me nervous. I hate making promises it turns out I can’t keep through no fault of my own.

I’m planning a game for some friends. It should be fun. We’ll have to play over Roll20 and chat over Zoom but so far gaming that way is going pretty well for us. I’m hopeful I can manage to run this one and make it special. Roll20 actually has some real advantages over face to face gaming, we may never go back. ^_^ I love the nice, full color, detailed maps I don’t have to draw. So cool. I can’t wait to get started but it might take a bit, I’m still reading the modules and learning the rules, not to mention learning to use Roll20. So much to do.

And…. Date Night! Of course we can’t go see a movie, or go out to dinner or stop by a bookstore and wander the aisles in bliss, but we were thinking of taking a long walk together and, I don’t know, making out in one of our cars with the radio on? We’ve been pretty desperate for a night away for… years actually. We tried to plan a weekend getaway a year and a half ago and instead cancelled the whole thing because our son was having an emotional crisis. With 3 kids who struggle with depression and anxiety an emotional crisis is never comfortably far off. So we haven’t been anywhere alone together in ages. Since the lockdown our son has taken to coming into our room to talk about 9:00 in the evening, he brings the dog, sits and chats for a bit, and then asks if we can watch something. We can’t really say no, so we don’t, he stays until one or both of us are nodding off and then usually gives a little laugh, says good night and goes off to bed. Between the constant threat of kids coming round our room to chat or in need of hugs or something, and the dampening effect the pandemic has had on romance, let’s just say things have becoming a little too G-rated around here for either of us. So, Date Night, walking, smooching in the car, maybe sneaking out to get a drive through ice cream or something. But the walk has been cancelled due to a severe thunderstorm warning that makes even a drive seem like a bit of a stupid idea. *sigh*

Never fear! For Resourceful Girl is here! Having seen the weather forecast yesterday I realized our plans were going to be altered. I also thought “Why should this be on my stressed out, over worked husband to plan? I’m better at this stuff anyway. ~_^ He’s actually really good at it) Anyway, I took it upon myself to carefully sneak mad amounts of stuff down to the shed I so desperately want to be an awesome hideout and I cleaned, pulled things together, hung lots of gauzy curtains up and that, and made a little love nest, if you can believe it. There’s a chance it’ll be a bit spidery but whatever, we need to get away and 30 yards from the house will have to do!

For romance-type-things and ambience and such I have a candle chandelier, my old CD player and some Billie Holiday ready to go, gauzy curtains hiding most of the scroungy boards in the loft, fairy lights, wine, bread, cheese, acres of soft pillows and a few other things. I’ve got a tiny fridge down there so the wine is cold and the cheese and grapes are there along with some salads I put together, bread, water, the fixings for making tea after dinner. I brought down some simple games like D Dominoes and Uno, I even snuck our PJs down there. I’m planning on dinner, dancing, maybe some games, maybe reading aloud to each other like we used to do all the time, and hopefully some romance. ^_^

Gosh, I hope he likes it!

Isolation Day 68: Grateful

There is so much to be grateful for, let me make at least a partial “list.” I am chatting intermittently with the wonderful woman filling our Instacart order. I know she will never see this, so I’m putting a thank you card with an extra tip in it on our door, but THANK YOU, ERIN! Her service is absolutely exceptional. All our drivers have been great, texting for clarification, offering substitutions, etc, but Erin is amazing. She saw hard to get items on the shelves and texted to see if we wanted them even though they were not on our list at all. Wow. She is just Next Level at customer service. She just texted that the store is out of lentils… lentils, huh, thought I was the only one who liked them! ~_^

My job/my amazing boss. Thank you, Katherine, for the ridiculous number of things you do every day to keep the library going during this insane time of pandemic. Thank you for continuing to fight for our jobs and for all you do to help us adjust to this crazy situation, for all that you do to help us continue to put on programming, and for everything you do now that you have always done. I am so grateful to have a job at all, let alone a wonderful job, and to have a boss who is competent, kind, hard working and understanding.

My wonderful husband. He is working so hard to kick ass at his job through this craziness. He spends all day in the dining room, at the computer & on the phone, attending meetings, fixing issues, talking people through tech stuff, researching solutions, etc etc etc. He’s there from 7:45 in the morning until dinner and often has to go back to work after dinner. I do what I can to help, bringing him tea, breakfast, lunch etc. On top of all that, he’s running online RPGs for the kids at the library and our friends as well as a family game. This morning he texted me and said “You, Me, Date Night Tomorrow!” We’ll come up with something fun and creative to do without breaking quarantine. I’m not sure what we can do… hmmm, maybe I will arrange it all and surprise him. I am getting ideas. ^_^

My sweet kids. Gods, I love them. The younger 2 are working hard to complete their school year online. Unexpected, upsetting to them, they continue to adjust, to move forward, to keep calm and stay on an even keel. My eldest is struggling but trying so hard to be helpful, they all do chores but she is very consistent about keeping up with vacuuming and dishes, with checking in and just being her sweet self. They all look after their mom, not letting me lift heavy things, climb ladders, etc. I’m a notorious klutz. They are so kind. I’m so proud of their kindness and compassion, whatever else they are, whatever problems they may have, my children are kind, and kindness is magic.

Food, Shelter, clean water, books, games, and today, beautiful weather. The necessities and little luxuries of life. Oh, and tea! and music! and our lovable band of misfit pets! We have our home, our cupboards my not be as full as I’d like but we’re eating just fine, we have water for drinking, cooking, bathing etc, our shelves are bursting with books and games and today is sunny and cool and perfect. I still have a little stock of my favorite tea, and a few left from the Australian Afternoon tea my niece sent me. I have the soundtrack of our current apocalypse made for me by my dear friend, Angel, hilarious and perfect, and we have our beautiful Kisa, Jazz, and Puddin’ cuddling us, entertaining us, cheering us, and guarding our home from marauders and invaders.

The gods who watch over us. Not everyone is religious or believes in such intangible things, that is 100% cool, 100% ok with me, be YOU. I know people have all kinds of beliefs and that’s one of the things that makes interacting with other humans interesting and educational. I myself follow the gods of my ancestors and I find great comfort in them. I look to the tales and stories of their epic feats and foibles and I follow the way they have set. It’s a framework, it’s a flexible structure that gives me a lens to examine life through. I rely on the virtues to weigh my decisions and set my course. I ask for help when I need it. When there are things I can’t handle I let them go by handing them over and trusting that the gods know better than I do, that their perspective is long and that things will work out for the best. I could not be more grateful to be on this path.

Life is good, even now, even with fear and illness and strife, life is good.

Doing Too Much

Overwhelm is a sneaky beast. Since we started quarantining I’ve posted about stress, shortcomings, feeling like certain things were overwhelming me and starting to get to me but just last night and this morning I hit a real, solid wall. A heart-racing, head-pounding, impatient about everything, just not coping, stressed out, just Done feeling. I just had/have nothing left. So, I’m taking a step back, I’m taking a breath, and I’m taking time for me to actually try to relax and not just sort of fuck off and kill time. I need a schedule that will let me breathe, let me be off the hook for work a LOT. I only work part time, how is that creeping into every waking moment of my life? I need to destress. So I’m going to make some changes:

I’m going to work 4 hours a day, 3 days a week instead of averaging 2 or so hours a day on week days and odds and ends all weekend.
Part of that will mean I work 4 hours every other Saturday and pick 2-3 week days to work and let it go the rest of the time.
I am going to schedule my meals, breakfast and lunch and I’m going to drink more water.
I am going to schedule time to be outside, get some sun and fresh air, daily if possible.
I am giving myself a reading hour with a book, some herbal tea, and quiet.
I’m upping my fruit and veg intake.
I’ve already cut my caffeine intake in half. (from 2 cups to 1 cup/day)
Once I feel less stressed I’m going to work on scheduling family activities again. Having those on the regular would be great for all of us.
I’ve just started following the BUJO Journal along on Instagram and I’m going to continue that because I think it’s helping.
I may take naps, like we did in kindergarten, even if I don’t sleep during them.
I’m going to take the time to appreciate and acknowledge all that I am so lucky to have. I may journal about that here in segments that make sense to me, probably only to me. LOL

We’ll see how this goes. I need to find a way to stick with it, or stick with whatever I can find that works, I’m bad at sticking with schedules. I’m a free-spirit and I like my flexible, chaotic whimsy but that non-system approach to life has broken down under the strain of the pandemic. Time to try something new.

Summing up April

We started isolating in early March, we’ve been at this a while, but April is the first full month we’ve spent in lockdown. Every day, beginning to end, all of us were here at home. We’re in isolation but not alone we have each other. March felt more normal than April. I’d been ill, hubby was ill, the boy had his wisdom teeth out. Once I recovered I was home taking care of my husband and son as they convalesced. It felt like something we were choosing to do. It was nice to have excuses to stay home because we were highly concerned about the virus. We were even worried my husband had the virus, he was really ill. The doctors wouldn’t see him, just called every day to check on him, let him know they had no tests, and ask if he needed more meds. It was scary, maybe it was something about all that fear, and the immediacy of my husband’s illness that made March seem less strange. We just weren’t’ focused on that.

April seemed to be more defined by what we couldn’t do. Stuck home, can’t visit people, go to the movies, can’t go out to a restaurant, can’t go to work, stop by a bookstore, get a haircut, kids can’t go to school or see their friends… there are a whole lot of “can’ts.” What we did do was adapt, at least somewhat, to our new circumstances.

We binge-watched lots of stuff. My favorite new show was recommended by my 17 year old son: “Overlord” on Hulu. It’s an anime’ about a guy that somehow gets stuck in some kind of ultra-immersive, futuristic, holodeck-y version of an online multi-player game. It’s for mature audiences and it’s hella cool. It raises a lot of questions and pushes a lot of buttons, it almost lost me a couple of times because of the actions of the main character. It’s complicated, it’s layered, and it really makes me think. On the surface it’s just some dorky anime’ but … watch it and let me know what you think, what you get from it. I hope they come out with a fourth season, I really want to see where it goes, and hopefully find out more about what is actually going on. We also watched a lot of old favorite shows, my comfort watches are likely getting worn out at this point.

As ginormous geeks we gamed a lot. We have a family Pathfinder game, a library Pathfinder game, another Pathfinder game we just started with far-flung friends, a GURPS game, and we’ve played 2 sessions of D&D with some people from our most recent, in-person gaming group. That last one is problematic, sadly, it’s the only one that isn’t being run by either my husband or myself, the only one we are playing in together, and it just isn’t working. The GM is inexperienced and she opted to create her own world and adventure. Her write up about the world was pretty cool, had some interesting politics and history, but the plot of the adventure is, well, weak. She had us make 3rd level characters and we were sent to a tower to remove some bandits, who turned out to be goblins, and to recover items stolen from the townspeople. It was pretty much a cake walk, of course, and therefore it got a little boring. I get it, she’s new to this, it’s tough to know exactly how much to throw at your players to challenge them, but that’s why you start them at first level and follow the DM guide and challenge ratings of the monsters. If fledgling DM issues were the main problem that would actually be fine, everyone starts out there, we all have to learn. But we have a player who is just, quite frankly, awful to play with. He monopolizes the spotlight, rules-lawyers Everything, and just generally bogs down the game and syphons out all the fun. We also rolled up our characters at home and his ranger has a 19 STR, 18 DEX, and 18 WIS… that I know of. I’ve rolled really well sometimes but never that well. I don’t know if I’ll find the time for that game again, it just isn’t fun.

We’ve also cooked a lot, eaten a lot, ordered things online occasionally, had a couple of board games delivered from our local game store. We’re read a bit, worked a lot, taken some classes, crafted a little bit. April was a weird mix of working through structured classes and meandering aimlessly, without focus through everything else. I feel sort of adrift, if that makes any sense. I think we’re all struggling a bit because the world is so uncertain.

But here we are in May, a new month with a cloak of real springtime around her shoulders, and it’s time to take the reins in hand. My library is closed completely for at least the next 18 days and pretty likely through the month and beyond so I’m planning for that. My boss offered to pay for a course we can take as part of a libraries and autism grant and I’ve offered to take it. It will last all month and I have no idea what the course load will be like, but it will count as work so while I’m learning I’ll be getting paid. I’m working on my Pet Month stuff, and planning for a virtual Summer Reading Program, and that sums up work. On the homefront I’m realizing I need to make a schedule for MY chores, I have been falling behind. I used to do all the housework when I was home alone so part of my brain just doesn’t accept that it’s ever time to do that stuff right now: There Are People Here! I’ve also just started getting ahead on my grocery orders. I had been waiting to put together the next orders until after the current ones arrived and we were having some gaps. Right now we’ve got one coming today or tomorrow and one already scheduled for next Thursday, so YAY! no gap!

So, for May, for my own little brain, I will be:

Taking a month long class for our LSTA grant
Creating and running programs for May
Working on our SRP
Making and keeping a schedule of chores for myself
Planning ahead more effectively for groceries etc.
Finding time for Art and Reading to de-stress
Finding a way to schedule in more activities as a family because we are all needing it even though we are tired at the end of the day.

So, onward! Into the merry month of May we go. Happy Beltane, Everyone!

work is a struggle but at least we’re still working…

Day 54 of isolation, here we are, we’re hanging in there. My husband and I are struggling through working from home. He struggles with the mountain of work he has to do, technical glitches, higher-ups who think just because they want something to happen means that something is possible, etc. I struggle with trying to find way to actually DO my job, alternate between excitement over Summer Reading and anxiety that we won’t find a way to make it work, and worry that my job might go the way of the Dodo. I worry about the vendors I’ve contracted with for in-person programs this summer, how are they doing now? What the heck are they living on? I also worry that if, as is most likely, we won’t be able to have them come to our library they will insist that we have breached the contracts and expect to be paid out of a budget that has likely evaporated. I don’t know what will happen with all that, I suspect it is above my paygrade and something my Director will handle.

Focus on the positive bits: what is making me excited about Summer Reading? A demo of some cool software we might use to run our programs virtually. I could completely customize it for our teen patrons, give them the option to leave their thoughts on books they read, allow options for them to see what their friends are reading, (that they want to share) and add little mini games that can be unlocked as they read through the summer. I’m also excited about the Fairy Tale Writing Contest I’ll be running. I’m hoping big to get some submissions on that. Besides upcoming SRP May is national pet month so we’re having people submit art pieces, writing, photos etc of/about their pets. I was thinking of the whole thing as a community wide exhibit on our website, but I think the Director is leaning toward some sort of contest. I’m doing everything I can to connect with the teens and keep programming going, that’s all I can do so I might as well relax and let the rest go.

Everything is still up in the air. We’re all, all of us in the world, sort of holding our breath and waiting to see what happens next. There is no real notion of when we can leave isolation safely and the news out of the places in the world where restrictions have lifted or were never put in place is not good. Sweden is experiencing a very high death rate, other places tried to go back to normal and got savage resurgence of the virus. We need to be so careful no matter how impatient we are for some kind of normalcy.