Happy Spring!

Disclaimer: My keyboard is still broken so please excuse anything that should be capitalized and isn’t it only responds to the shift keys when it wants to.

It’s March, late March, and it’s Spring. This is what’s going on in my world.

I am working on a few goals this year;

1. getting a garden going for real this time,

2. becoming a “Fuck Yeah!” friend,

3. getting more movement into my days, (as I sit here blogging like a slug…)

4. eating more veg,

5. becoming more competent at my job, and

6. Decluttering!

There is some progress in all areas, however slight. The beds are in as of last Fall and I hope to get planting (with guidance) soonish. I am saying “Fuck Yeah!” as much as seems safe to friends asking if I want to do stuff. I am on my feet more for sure even if my phone isn’t showing the steps. It, like my little laptop, has issues and it dies a lot. I am eating slightly more veg and focusing on just making sure it happens every day. Tougher than I thought it would be. At work I am taking on some new responsibility, nothing huge, just helping cover while my boss is out on maternity leave. I am practicing to get better at commcat, trouble-shooting when there are issues with computers and printers, planning for Summer Reading as best I can. I also keep signing up for webinars but I have been missing most of them. I am just so burnt out on zoom and all that. I have a few coming up that I plan to actually attend and I intend to view the recordings of the ones I’ve missed. Decluttering is still stupid and complicated because my usual drop off places are still not taking things. meh. I do have some stuff ready to go and I will do more when it makes sense to.

One of my niece’s just got married! ^_^ YAY! So nice to have something to celebrate. She and her new husband looked gorgeous and I was so glad that we could at least be there remotely. My eldest daughter is taking a couple of online classes and doing well. My middlest is getting a little money in with a kind of online gig type thing and took over dish washing and it really helping me out. My youngest is in the final stretch of his senior year and is doing well, sticking with it, getting ready to ease into the future. My husband is still working remotely but is finally scheduled for his first vaccine. (YAY!) We will be celebrating 24 years together later this week. WOW.

Gaming is still the main source of entertainment around here, I think we are in and/or running about… 6-7 games. I am using Pathfinder 2e to run my husband in a one-on-one game. We used to run one-on-one a LOT when we lived far from anyone and had a young child. I’ve missed it like crazy and apparently he has too. ^_^ So I am still struggling with constructing encounters that won’t kill him. LOL. Even with all the charts and whatnot encounters are so brutal. I think I have been thinking about it wrong, like my math is somehow backward or twisted. I’ll get it sorted out. One-on-one is not a thing Pathfinder is super designed for so I am pretty much making my own “adventure path.” It’s fun and challenging and I am enjoying all the prep work. I have part one pretty well finished and have started part two. I’m not sure how many parts it will have. I was thinking two, taking the PC from level one to… 8? 9? 10? But I might keep it going. Have the main quest die down for a while, let him “Witcher” it up monster hunting all over Golarion and then bring the main quest back later. I don’t know, we’ll see how he likes the main quest as he hasn’t even started on it yet. He’s travelling to investigate a rumored event and I’ll have to see if he likes it or if it’s too weird for him. I can do grim and gritty just fine but it’s always leavened with chaos and whimsy which he doesn’t always “get.” If he doesn’t like it I know some people who will so I’ll just save it and rework it for them later and cook something else up for him. I love him so much.

Anyway, I need to get ready for work.

XXXOOO

wolftree

i don’t look it but i’m strong. i’m a realist but i’m optimistic. i believe for as long as i can that things will work out somehow. i believe and believe and believe, and i stand strong and steadfast right up until i shatter. then i suffer and rage and weep and grieve like a maelstrom. then i usually drink myself blind to the land of dreams and wake up, spit out some teeth, adjust my crown and light my inner fire once more… and i believe again.

my dearest chimpy, i miss you still, i mourn you still. forever. you live in my heart and that is all there is. maybe one day we’ll meet at the wolf tree and my heart won’t miss you anymore.

https://youtu.be/BF-nZziUCCY

i am a gemini=full of contradiction

note; please excuse lack of capitals and a partial lack of proper punctuation. my laptop is being a beast.

i aspire to live in a tiny home. it’s insane how drawn i have been to this idea since the very first time i came across it and yet it may not be something i could actually live with. on the one hand, i can see paring down on many, many possessions. i can see getting by with minimal kitchen gear that all nests together as much as possible, minimal dishes and cutlery/utensils, no problem. minimal wardrobe wouldn’t be an issue for me, i could digitize the movies and shows i ‘need,’ i already use a little laptop not a big desktop, i can totally see minimizing down to essential towels, bedding etc, i can see one day living with just a single cat or smallish dog instead of constantly cohabitating with a minimum of 3 furry fellow-travellers. shoes are not an issue. i can get by with a single pair for each function; snow boots, hiking boots, sandals, work shoes, and one dressy pair. i don’t even need a bunch of make-up i wear it maybe a few times a year. i’m sure there are other areas i could easily pare down as well, but…

it all falls down when i consider;

  • books. i have lots and i am forever acquiring more despite my best intentions. i have a nook, and there are many books i could handle having only digitally… but i ‘need’ a shocking number of books as physical objects. i love them so completely. books.
  • art supplies. paints, canvases, sketch books, colored pencils, bags crammed with odds and end i intend to use in some nebulous future project, adhesives, brushes, etc etc etc. it is hard to imagine paring it all down enough to keep in a tiny home.
  • crochet and knitting gear. holy crap. i have lots. lots. i can honestly see paring this particular hobby down a fair bit, getting rid of items i don’t really need, of which there are many. this one might be doable; a single bin of yarn, a basket for scraps and all the hooks and needles.
  • also sewing stuff. i have a sewing machine, a serger, and tons of fabric and hand sewing items too. just the basics of this one is fairly bulky.
  • games and gaming books, minis etc. we have a lot. we have several game platforms and tvs for video games, multiple bookshelves of rpg books, endless, boundless bins and bins of minis, etc. plus board games, card games and on and on. we could probably halve the amount without pain but it would be awfully difficult to divest ourselves of much more than that.
  • fandom stuff. yeah….. i do not, we do not, have a vast epic collection of museum worthy, collectable amazing fandom stuff, but we do have more than it seems at first glance. i have made tons of cool harry potter/hogwarts stuff for wearing, decoration etc. i have tardis string lights and a dalek pepper pot. in brief we have; marvel stuff, star wars stuff, doctor who stuff, game of thrones stuff, star trek stuff, fruits basket stuff, ruroni kenshin stuff… and many, many more. how would i even begin to pare that stuff down…

plus, i keep a lot of food on hand in case of emergency/illness/etc. i am not sure how low i could manage and not induce anxiety in myself. i tend to have at least a few months worth of food on hand. they wouldn’t be the best months we ever got through but we damn sure wouldn’t starve.

oh, and stuffed animals, using the term very loosely, i have more than would likely be great in a tiny house. henry, rocket, cap, and yix all live in the bedroom and i have a doll crib overflowing in the hall with more. i have pared down in that area, wildly. my remaining collection is ‘bare-bones’… for me.

so i want to live a minimalist lifestyle in a tiny house …but… i will also need another tiny house for my books, another for arts and crafts, and we’ll need a dedicated gaming tiny house as well.

yeah.

sigh.

i think that many tiny houses probably equals pretty much a regular house.

disappointing.

Snag

My idea of reopening my shop in March has hit a snag. Well, snagS, to be honest. A lot has been going on in my world.

Ramping up crafty productiveness made me suddenly decide to make my first sweater… I think. I have vague memories of maybe trying before? Eh, likely not terribly successful, or why isn’t my wardrobe chock-a-block with cute sweaters I made? So, I found a tutorial for a super cute sweater I totally want to wear ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYHF8e8q1hY&list=LL&index=4&t=14s ) and bookmarked it. Then I searched for “super easy beginner sweater tutorial” and landed on this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xl-O8RC_g8. So, I made a sweater. Not just any sweater, MEGA SWEATER. It is huge! I didn’t actually watch much of the tutorial, I used the linked text pattern, if there was a swatch/scale I missed it completely. My sweater is unstoppable.

It’s so huge I couldn’t get it all in one shot.

That ate up basically all my free time for a week. On the plus side it could be layered over the most massive of other sweaters. (Mega Sweater has no equals.) Yeah, so I’m calling it a modest success and a great learning experience. Meanwhile I have moved on to making the next sweater and I did do a swatch and it worked out fine. I’ve finished the front piece and started the back.

There will be some scalloping added in the neckline and I hope to use it to make the sweater more reasonable. If it comes out really wonky I am considering trying again with different yarn and hopefully whatever lessons I learn/knowledge I get from this first try. Crochet is tricky! But I’ve had it with being afraid to try things. Fuck it! Life is not a dress rehearsal.

I also got side tracked making a baby present for my beloved boss. She’s having her first baby like any minute now and I wanted to make something nice as I know she appreciates heartfelt handmade items. I made these adorable stars that were going to be a mobile but ended up being a wall hanging. and it looks like “insert pic into text” is just a well-oiled machine! Anyway, she loves it and already hung it near the crib. I’m glad I went with ‘wall hanging’ because she is making a mobile. Here’s a bigger pic:

These little things are fun and easy to make. Fast too!

So, I still have a couple of weeks, or more if I open later in March, to get things done. I have several pairs of mittens that need liners, (that I still need to make) a basket full of cloth waiting to be made into cloth napkins, a couple of boxes filled with handmade envelopes, and lots of plans to make more mittens in new and exciting colors. I’m just not sure I will get enough done to be ready to actually open. The liners are a big project as are the napkins and our place is currently cluttered all to heck since I haven’t been able to purge things we don’t need for almost a year. I really need to box up major amounts of clothes, books, etc and get them to the thrift shops to find new homes. It’s getting ridiculous. No, I won’t soon be seen in an episode of “Hoarders” but clutter is basically everywhere at this point and no room really looks nice anymore. Yeah. I need to get to work on the clutter even if it has nowhere to go. I need to figure out something to do with it all!

quiet

I went quiet for a while.

Life was so stressful after the attempted overthrow of our Democracy, I was so worried all the time, then things moved ahead mostly as they should and I was weird and jittery for a bit. But I am still here. I couldn’t write, I wasn’t feeling it, I read instead but also did a lot of other things.

  • I am upping my Game Master game, trying to get better at running combats, better at Roll20.
  • I’ve been gaming a lot. I average about 3 or 4 RPGs per week including the one I am currently running.
  • I learned how to crochet a Magic Circle so now I can crochet amigurumi better, and mittens, etc.
  • Mastered the “half double crochet” stitch. You’d think that would be a single stitch but no… anyway, I finally got that one!
  • I have been making amigurumi stars, bees, etc
  • I am attempting my first sweater, I think it’s my first sweater, I forget a lot of stuff these days. LOL
  • I’ve been doing my usual stuff too and working.

So yeah, still trying to level up and become a more competent human!

Kintsugi

Sometimes i feel like i’m just a collection of broken pieces.

I walk around pretending to be a functioning human being.

I have interactions and conversations but i’m only half there because i’m lost in the maze of traumas past.

I’m trying, I’m fighting my very hardest. that you can’t hear my battle cries or see all the blood stuns me

those closest to me suffer through my fucked up reactions to everything

changes in plans that are nothing to everyone else hit me like an avalanche. it is an emergency, a threat, and I come up swinging, panicking, running for my life.

gods forbid someone startles me,

no telling what you will get

anything from falling to the floor crumpled in fear,

to a roar of rage-fueled ready to fight,

or maybe I detach, float in the fuzzy space that is nowhere, cold and safe

watching like an unconcerned, alien observer.

just the smell of the wrong aftershave and I am 5 years old

terrified, nauseated, scrambling to get away, screaming in my head for a mother I didn’t have

the one that would have stood between me and danger,

the one that would have seen,

would have known,

would have prevented me from shattering to pieces

But that isn’t how things happened.

This is what I have.

The child inside of me is defended now

when my inner 5 year old screams

the maelstrom rises to defend her

flaming swords and vicious bloody curses that rend the dark and all the dark things lurking there

but the monsters are all gone

bladed words hit those I would die to protect

in this safe new world

I am still made of broken shards

I keep gluing

and I keep breaking

I’m fighting as hard as I can

battle weary and covered in gore

but making a stand atop the hill

where I drew a line

feet planted

every day finding

there is still fight left in me.

Banner credit: “169/365” by drubuntu is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

2021 two weeks in…

So, we’ve had a seditious attack on our capitol by a rampaging mob who murdered 2 police officers and smeared human shit on the walls, so, wow, we are off to a really awful start! I am happy to see anti-democracy, home grown terrorists arrested and charged, that’s good, tRump losing his twitter privileges is good, far too little too late for him to learn anything from it but it’s something.

In my own life I’ve been a bit ill and very stressed out but mostly ok. Our furnace is not doing well so that’s a problem but we’ll get it sorted. The headache I currently have can take a flying leap, so over it, but I’m alive. I’ve been reading, trying to cook and clean, crocheting a lot, thinking about reopening my Etsy shop, maybe, the pile of mittens grows, I may as well give it a shot. Probably.

So, Democracy hangs by a thread, climate change teeters on the verge of destroying us all, a pandemic rages out of control, and my head hurts. I’ll be napping under the bed if anyone needs me.

waiting for sanity

Yesterday was surreal. When Hillary lost the left was in mourning, they knew what trump would do to this country, they knitted pink hats and wrote checks to planned parenthood and amnesty international. Now that trump has been defeated, despite his cronies’ attempts to sabotage and steal the election, the right is on an unhinged rampage and attempting a coup. They are smashing the windows of the capitol building and attacking police.

This chaos is an attack on Democracy. It has been encouraged and incited by a sitting President and is Treason on his part and the part of all who followed his lead. They literally hung a trump flag in our Capitol Building.

New Year 2021

My Goals for the new year are simple, straightforward, and poorly defined.

  • Become more physically active
  • Successfully garden
  • Eat more fresh veggies
  • Gain more competence at my job

I could add a million more. After the disaster that was 2020 there is virtually no area of my life that couldn’t stand to see some improvement. I think I might try to get my feet under me on 3 of the goals I’ve listed (gardening needing to wait for spring and all) and then add other goals like my perpetual decluttering, reading more, reinstituting date night, etc. Seriously, there are so many, there is no end to things I need to be doing.

With my goals in mind I have naturally been focusing on watching videos on Youtube and crocheting mittens. I just gotta be me… I guess. The more mittens I make the more I consider reopening my Etsy shop. I started out this kick just making a couple of pairs for my daughters and kept going with the idea of just busting my yarn stash. (using up fairly small amounts of random colors and such) I’ve made 6+ pairs since Xmas and now I’m looking at the possibility that, if I can keep crafting at some sort of steady pace, it might be worth it to open my little shop again. I don’t know, maybe.

2020 winding down

hi there, my computer has decided that the function of shift keys is entirely optional so there will be no capital letters and some of the punctuation i want to use will be unavailable. yeah, so 2020 comes to an end taking my ability to capitalize with it. lol.

what i’ve been doing lately. since xmas i’ve been crocheting mittens/making super mittens. i’ve got two pairs crocheted and another almost half done. i still need to make liners and stitch them in. i’m sort of toying with the idea of turning on the lights at my etsy shop again. i’ve been gone a while. i’m also reading, of course, two excellent so far books; the angel of crows; by katherine addison, and the beast of the stapletons; by james lovegrove. i am loving them. i’ve also been watching and rewatching a ton of liziqi videos and a little series on youtube called that chapter.

tonight i worked for the last time in 2020 and heard the sad news that a patron’s father has just died of covid 19. awful. My brother in law has it now and so far he’s ok… oh look, it capitalized something! Oooo and exclamation points are back. Excellent. I refuse to retype this whole entry.

I’m thinking about my resolutions for the new year and trying to remain hopeful that 2021 will be a much better year than 2020. I don’t know about doing an end of the year recap, I kind of just want to move forward without looking back at this point. Maybe I will recap the good, try and glean something positive from 2020, and build upon whatever I can salvage from this garbage fire in 2021. I’ll post some pics and do a real entry sometime soon. Be well.