Mother Issues (etc.)

74 days of isolation and all is well at our house… or at least relatively so. We are all covid free as far as we know, all still at home, still able to get food and water. We are very lucky.

We’re still gaming a lot. Preparing to add more games and more players to the mix going forward. Lots of fun to be had there. We’re preparing to face decisions about going back to physical workspaces relatively soon as the state opens up. My Director just mentioned having the library actually open in some fashion by mid June. Color me terrified/skeptical. If we open and the spike in cases comes later I am naturally extremely reluctant to be exposed to this monstrous disease or have my vulnerable family members exposed, at the same time I doubt/hope it won’t happen that we won’t open then because the spike comes in time for us to change course on that. If I just babbled some kind of incoherent nonsense, I apologize, my focus has been suffering lately.

Last night, as I was gaming with some distant friends, my sister started texting me about how our mother has been ripping her down about her adorable little craft business. WTF? I have so many objections to this treatment of my sister. #1. Who does that? Who wants to just rip someone down over their art that they enjoy? It is so the worst sort of Jr. High viciousness #2. Who does that to their own daughter??? #3. WHY??????? WTF???? Ok, I have a pretty good idea wtf: jealousy. Our mother started behaving in a competitive manner toward us as soon as each of us approached puberty. When we started looking like attractive young ladies she clearly freaked out internally and started treating us like crap. (In new and exciting ways she hadn’t tried before!) If we, as teenagers, dressed attractively, wore any makeup, talked to or about boys, etc etc. she would call us “whores” and other choice words, accuse us of sleeping around, restrict the hell out of us, etc. I remember her flirting with boys we brought around, putting us down as we were just not as good as her, as popular as her etc. It was ridiculous. So, my sister is better educated than our mother, has more money and success and that sort of thing, which is not my sister’s focus but is probably why our mother is digging at her.

See, the thing is, my mother and her husband run a successful online business that has supported them for more than several years. They ship worldwide, they have a showroom that people occasionally come and peruse, (not often, it isn’t really public) but they sell tons online, more so now in the pandemic because those who can still afford to shop are doing it online. So my sister, who has a great job already at like a company, started making these terrific crafts and a local place or two near her started selling some, and she made so many she started selling them online. She did it more or less on a lark, maybe as a little experiment. She loves making these things, they are lovely, so she put them out there. Knowing she can afford to do this experiment who wouldn’t be encouraging of her hobby/business? That’s right! Our mother. My sister can’t say anything about her little fledgling business without our mother shitting all over it and bragging about how much money her business makes…. and our mother asks and asks about it so she can get her digs in! If my sister responds with any kind of ‘hey, wtf, don’t pick on me’ all of a sudden mother dearest cannot understand WHY Sis is so upset or angry? “why are you mad at me?” So Sis needed to vent, needed a little TLC from someone else who regularly receives such bullshit abuse and understands the horrible bind one is in when being tortured by a narcissist.

Sis? 100%: I feel ya! We got through our childhood alive. We somehow all grew up and eventually chose good, loving husbands. We managed to raise kids who are all wonderful in their unique ways and we LOVE OUR KIDS and SUPPORT them. We are fucking superheroes! We have grown kids, almost grown kids, and a few younger kids, and all of them are good, kind people who still love us. With any luck they will bitch in their like spaceship voice logs or whatever about how we moms all bother them with space-care packages too much, or how we sometimes interfere with grandkid’s homework because we want to talk to them every day. But they will never, Never have to rant to each other or cousin to cousin about how we tear them down, insult them, manipulate them, or make them feel like shit. Our kids won’t have that to deal with because we are goddamn amazing phoenixes rising from the ashes and ruin we were subjected to, and we have all fought hard to be good moms and we have succeeded. I don’t know, maybe our mother is jealous of that? Jealous of the happiness we have each found in so many ways so she wants to damage it, drag us down, make us as miserable as she is? Whatever her damn issues are, they are not ours, and I’ve got your back. Bitch to me whenever you need to. I get it, girl, I hear you.

Isolation: Day 62: bitching about gaming

Second day off, feeling a little more relaxed.

I’m listening to Andy Serkis read The Hobbit on gofundme now. It’s lovely. We’re in Mirkwood now listening about wood elves and their attitude and customs. I can’t believe he’s doing this. I love it.

My main complaint today: Last night we joined in for the 3rd time to a 5E D&D game and I think it’s out last attempt. I don’t like the system at all and that makes me a little sad. I grew up with D&D and loved it. It went off the rails with 4th Ed. and, while 5E is an improvement, it’s still not fun. Top that with one extremely problematic player and an inexperienced GM who can’t manage him and I’d rather play Candy Land. (Side note: I hate Candy Land. To be fair I am not their target audience so I’m not knocking it.) Yeah, so we wasted our entire evening not having fun dealing with a player who hogs the spotlight, tries to bully everyone into going along with him, and talks over people. I sent a message to my husband in the game chat at 10:30 reminding him he had an early meeting (the voice chat cuts out a LOT) and he said, quite clearly, in the voice chat that we had to go after the current fight. So the fight ends and the GM says; “ok, so this is a good spot to wrap it up if some people need to go…” and problem player cuts her off saying: “No one has to go!” both forcefully and angrily. Of course both my husband and I let everyone know, in no uncertain terms, that we DO have to go and we ARE going to go.

You might think that would be the end of it but of course it isn’t. This problem player wants to keep playing. We’d been going for 3 1/2 hours which isn’t epic but is a perfectly acceptable stretch as we’ve been playing more than once a week and the games are going about 3-4 hours. Everyone besides my husband and I are insisting that we can’t start till at least 7pm, we have to get up early, so we want to end about 10pm. We are happy to leave and let them continue on if they like, we are not the center of the world, we respect that they may have all night and want to use it to game. Problem player, however, has a big problem with us leaving early, he wants long gaming sessions. So he asks if there is a better night for us? We say no not really. We have a lot going on with work and 3 kids who all have anxiety and depression, we have to get up early, etc. “How about Friday nights?” he badgers forcefully. “No, sorry, Fridays don’t work for us, and sadly our weekends are quite full.” He kept going, asking about what days DO work for us???? We say basically none. That is unacceptable and we say goodnight and leave anyway because who the heck does he think he is? Trying to corner us into something like that? It’s his attitude and tone. Normal people asking what works better don’t make me feel like I’m being run over with a steamroller. The guy has issues. He used to be the central figure, really, of a large extended group of friends, this was a couple of decades ago and he isn’t dealing well with 90% of these people growing up, getting on with their lives, and leaving. At this point we’re thinking of doing the same. We are grownups with lives and don’t want to spend our leisure time playing to his ego. Ugh.

Anyway, that was last night, today is a new day and it will be lovely. We got groceries delivered this morning and I always feel happy after that. I look at my full fridge and half-full cupboards and I feel secure again for a bit knowing for a a few days I can make pretty much anything we want. I get nervous when things empty out, I get fretful and discouraged, don’t know what to make for dinner. But tonight we shall have mexican food and tomorrow we’ll have lasagna. Past that I haven’t made a plan yet but there are enough options that I won’t be feeling nervous until sometime next week… when we will hopefully get another order. I have Smartfood! I’m so excited because I haven’t had it in months. I used to eat a lot of it. It was my favorite. Anyway, I’m looking forward to it. Maybe we’ll watch a movie while we munch.

Ok, enough writing for now, I’m procrastinating on my relaxation! I hear a hammock calling my name.

RANT

I seriously just can’t talk to my mother anymore. For every decent conversation we have, we have 5 or more than she sabotages so she can tell her friends what a horrible person I am.

It sucks having been raised by a narcissist. A mother might be worse than a father but I only had a NM so I wouldn’t know. (NM = Narcissist Mother) She basically spent my childhood installing all these buttons she can now push to make me look like the crazy one. It’s horrifying. She loves it when she can get me angry so she can smile her saccharine smile and ask; why are you so full of hate?

She is the opposite of me politically. It is just a fact that we cannot and should not talk politics because there is nothing to agree on. The nicest, mildest thing I could possibly reply to her with would be the dreaded ok boomer. Which I don’t do no matter how tempting it is. I think it, a LOT. Not that all boomers are like her, I know very well they are not, but if the generation gap fits… it amuses me, and I need to laugh. Ok, so naturally when I called her today she starts asking me if I got my stimulus check (is that really what we’re calling it?) and I said I had no idea. Just trying to side-step whatever bullshit she was trying to shovel my way, just trying to avoid having another shitty conversation that goes careening wildly off the rails, but no. She wants to shovel whatever it is my way so she’s going to keep at it. “It would be in your bank account.” I told her I never look at my bank account. She acts shocked, like how could someone never look at their bank account, I just don’t, my husband looks at it, I know like the total so I can pay bills and stuff and he watches the incoming and outgoing amounts to make sure no one’s stealing from us or to make sure checks are getting cashed by people we’ve paid or whatever.

Anyway, she can’t get by me that way so she starts on term limits or something. I honestly haven’t given that issue a whole lot of thought, and I said so, I said I feel like some senators that have been there for ages are corrupt and need to be booted and some are good, hard working people who are clearly doing the best job they possibly can representing the people of their state. Like Bernie Sanders, who she had previously said she would vote for. (shocking me completely because: Opposite virtually 100%) So I thought it was safe to invoke his name, the only safe name there is… was. She pounced on it. Instantly. “I don’t even know where I saw it but I saw a picture of ONE of Bernie Sanders’ houses and it is like a Palace!” I quietly hung up the phone. I didn’t say a single word because I didn’t have a fit word to say. She tried to call twice and I hit decline. No way in hell was I getting either; 1) drawn into some kind of discussion about this unverified story, or, 2) listening to her “apologize” and ask me why am I so angry “all the time” or so full of hate. No, I am literally following the instructions of mothers uncounted by not saying anything since I cannot be trusted, in my frustration with her manipulation, to say anything nice.

After a bit I sent her a couple of texts, explaining why I hung up, because I didn’t have anything nice to say, and suggesting that if she has information on something controversial from an unverified source she might not want to talk about it because what good is that? I then sent a text after looking, took 2 minutes, and discovering that there is a picture being posted on the internet of a a huge mansion in Vermont that is yes, palatial, but has nothing whatsoever to do with Senator Bernie Sanders. The story she’s spreading is a 100% baseless rumor. Is the Senator more well off than me? Yep. Of course he’s a lot older than I am and he’s worked his ass off his whole life so I am honestly glad that he has managed to pull together a net worth of some weight. He has 3 houses, the one he lives in most of the time in VT which is a 4 bedroom colonial, a 1 bedroom in DC for obvious reasons, and a lake house purchased only a handful of years ago in VT. Yeah, I don’t think I will ever get to that point, but it isn’t some insane lifestyle or anything. My grandparents at one time owned houses in 2 states. No one would ever accuse them of being corrupt or living some opulent lifestyle.

Yeah, so, she did rile me up, obviously. She has a LOT of practice at it, a lot, a lot, a lot. I should have known we couldn’t have 2 “nice” conversations in a row. I should have known she’s do this and I should just not have called. If she calls me she’s content just to guilt me about not calling her, if I call she gets to pull out something special from her toolbox of manipulation. I know this and yet I slip back into denial time after time. *HEADDESK* So, this will probably have some ripples going out from it. So close to Mother’s Day, and now we won’t talk for at least a few days because that would be unwise. She’ll get to complain to my sisters about how mean I am, what could she possibly have done to deserve being hung up on? I will be painted the bad, ungrateful, mean and horrid daughter no mother deserves. Yep, that’s me. It is so convenient too, so nice for me, that her Mother’s Day present is delayed and won’t arrive until the day after. Perfect.

Anyone who’s read this far? Bless you. Thank you for bearing witness to my angst and frustration. Thank you for listening.

CAUTION: RANTING AHEAD

Okay, I’m going to vent, you’ve been warned.

I have 3 non-neuro-typical kids ages 17-26. All of them still live at home and are not fully functioning adults at this time. All 3 suffer from depression, 2 from anxiety, all 3 have other issues as well. The older 2 kids are my kids and my husband’s step-kids which adds a little something to the mix. My husband has a good job that keeps a roof over our heads, food on the table, etc. etc. I work part time.

My eldest works part time and studies a computer book toward a certification… hopefully. Eldest drives and deals with her car insurance and oil changes and stuff. She helps around the house doing dishes, vacuuming, pet care. She spends some of her time writing what I think she describes as fanfic. Her writing, and the response she gets to it, give her a boost of self-esteem. I’m in favor of that.

Middle child goes to a local community college studying for an English degree at this time. (it changes sometimes) The only work she’s ever been able to get is work study at the college. She probably comes close to paying us back each semester for her classes, books etc. but that’s it. She paints gaming miniatures for money whenever she can. Work there is very sporadic. She’s good at it but it’s super niche’ and a luxury few can afford. She mowed the lawn roughly 1x/week for $20/week this summer. We support her financially, obviously. She has been trying to learn to drive for years but is in no way ready to be driving on her own. Honestly, she’s bad at it. Autism in her case means not being able to process everything and make good decisions quickly. I wish my husband would give up on it, it seems like something she shouldn’t do, but we live in a rural area and she either drives, gets us to drive her, or moves to a city with great public transport which is slightly complicated by her not being able to get a job or manage her life.

Youngest is 17. He’s doing pretty well so far this year even though his 2 best friends both moved on to different schools. He seems to be making other friends and is doing ok in his classes. He’s got an adulting class which makes him anxious because he hates thinking of the future, not sure WTF to do about that. I tell him there’s no pressure on him, just calmly look at all the options and think about what he’d like to explore, nothing carved in stone, no scary deadline, and so on. I’m working with him trying to get him to manage his daily life better. He needs to get up on time in the morning, which means getting to sleep at a reasonable hour, needs to learn to keep up with cleaning his room, doing his laundry and so on. He is interested in learning to cook to the point where he can keep himself happily fed, so we work on that. He’s great at coming up with marinades and he handles all of that, he’s learning to make certain dishes and to BBQ a bit. He handles most of the dog care. He doesn’t drive yet, doesn’t have a permit. He seemed like he wanted to but backed off for some reason.

So, they are all behind where they “should” be, where most kids are at their ages, we focus on encouraging them, trying to add to their responsibilities, being supportive. It’s a struggle, it’s frustrating, it’s hard not to despair sometimes. It super doesn’t help that my husband is surrounded by high achieving kids at work, constantly bombarded by beaming parents boasting about their amazing offspring. It’s demoralizing for him and it makes him more frustrated with the kids than he might be otherwise. For myself I could stand not to have my mother constantly tell me how awesome a job my sisters did at parenting, how great their kids are and how she worries so much about mine. STFU MOM! NOT helping! I have 2 sisters, we each ended up having 3 kids, one sister has 3 neurotypical kids, the other has 2 NT and one who isn’t. Would you look at the one non-neurotypical kid? Wow, he’s doing so great. He is, he’s doing great and I am over the moon that he is. I love him. What I can’t take one more freaking second of is the idea that I somehow failed my kids, which my mother CLEARLY believes and likes to rub in my face.

It isn’t fair at all to compare my sister and I and blame my parenting for the fact that my kids aren’t burning up the sky like all parents wish for their kids. My sister had so much help that I never got. Her in-laws were very involved and often took the kids for a weekend or a week, they babysat, they helped with expenses, they got involved in the kid’s lives in real ways. During her last pregnancy, our actual father moved to live in her state, in her town, and started helping too. His parents followed him out there and lent their support. My sister is smart and fairly driven, she got a degree and a a good job and had the built in support to be able to work while other people helped out with driving and watching the kids as needed. Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of her, she did amazing, but if I had the kind of support she did I might be amazing too. We will never know. With her husbands very good job and all the support they have been able to afford everything they have needed for their kids. Nothing has really been out of reach for them, which is so cool, I really am happy for them. I love my sis, her hubby and their kids. I can’t tell you how proud I am of them. I just don’t need to hear it so, so, so often. Because….

I live very near my mom. She did not babysit. She helped with rides, which I am grateful for, but we paid for those rides with the stress of dealing with her. She could not deal with the difficulties that come with dealing with my kids, my eldest was a handful when she was younger, and my mother made it worse by setting her off, blaming me for not handling her correctly, etc. I was so stuck. She was the only one I had to help at all and it came at such a cost. She helped financially at times, always with the understanding she would be paid back in full, which we did though it was difficult. My husband’s family was useless in helping with the kids. They didn’t care to be involved with the older 2, though his brothers enjoyed spending time with them on their rare visits. We spent years utterly strapped financially with occasional bouts of being on an even keel. We had my ex to deal with and the insanity of him trying to force the older kids into his religion, then his eventual rejection of the kids as they refused to join. All the work has been on us, we are exhausted, we are demoralized and we wish like hell we knew what to do.

But this is where we are. We have 3 grown and almost grown kids who are not where they should be with life goals, accomplishments and mental health. We have loved and loved and loved these kids and done our best with what we’ve had to work with. We had therapists, doctors, and we did what we could to expose them to interests but we couldn’t afford much. We’re still trying, we’re still working hard while most people with kids the same ages as ours are now able to brag about their kid’s accomplishments we get to answer “how are the kids?” with; “They’re doing ok. Eldest is working part time, middle is in school part time, and youngest is in HS… no the younger ones aren’t driving yet, no they don’t have jobs….” Progress is glacial.

Please, if you have amazing, neuro-typical kids who are doing wonderful, I know you want to brag, and I get it, I am truly happy for you, but please try to remember that some of your friends and family have kids who are not neuro-typical or have other challenges, and though they LOVE your kids and are happy for you, hearing about all the wonderful milestones your kids breeze through can be really painful. It is heartbreaking to work so hard, invest so much love and support, watch the slow, painful progress, and when you feel some small germ of hope because a friend was tentatively made, or a kid is finally taking 3/4 of a full schedule of classes, or at last broke 30 hours/week at their part time job… to hear that someone else’s kid has 20 friends and they are all going to do charity work together in a foreign land, or they just graduated, got their masters with a 4.0, or landed an awesome fortune 500 level job. etc etc.

I don’t know what my kids might accomplish, they are bright, sweet, amazing people. They aren’t where most people their ages are, they don’t have it all together yet, or even mostly together, they can’t even fake it, really. But they are kind and creative and I am proud of them. It just feels really awful when someone asks how the kids are and I say, “well, middle child joined the history club at community college, so that’s encouraging.” and they answer with, “Oh, this other kid just got accepted at 6 ivy league schools and has to choose which one to go to now. ” I know they don’t mean to make me feel terrible but I do. My kid did a tiny thing, their’s did a huge thing. I feel like my kid’s accomplishments don’t matter, it will never be enough, it’s all some kind of competition.

Ok, I’m done. I don’t know if I feel any better, but I’m done.