retail shock-therapy

Took our lad school shopping yesterday, 17, a junior this fall. Getting the kid to try on clothes is usually a trial but I had back-up. My husband was there, which helped, but it was the salesperson that made things go so well. She was enthusiastic about the clothes, naturally, and wasn’t US, I think he allowed that she might have some expertise in proper fitting, cut, color and the like. We ended up with 2 pairs of slacks, 2 pairs of jeans, and a handful of nice shirts to supplement the T-shirt collection he’s been working on the past few years. The lad is going to be stylin’ this year but the prices…

Shockingly it was the second time in 2 days I bought new clothes, actual new, not secondhand, new clothes. I need to upgrade my wardrobe a bit for work, my job is way more professional than anything I’ve had before. So Thursday I bought myself a shirt, a sweater, and a pair of pants from Old Navy, on clearance except for the pants. OMG, I paid full price for a pair of pants… it’s been years and years since I did that for myself. I enjoy thrift shopping almost like a sport. The less I pay, the better, it’s like scoring points or something. It’s a challenge outfitting a family secondhand. Finding things that fit, are decent quality, hopefully flattering, etc. is tough. It used to be sheer necessity, back some years ago, we had so little money. I spent about 15 years of my adult life living below the poverty line, sometimes way, way below, and it was an education. I made sure we always got what we needed, there might not have been any extra, nothing fancy, sometimes bargains turned out to be sub-par but I kept us all clothed.

I miss being skinny, for many reasons, but the free clothes… oh, I miss the bags and bags of free clothes! I used the be the dumping ground for all my friend’s unwanted clothes, my sisters, too, would give me garbage bags full of clothes they didn’t wear anymore. I went years without buying any clothes for myself at all. If someone put on weight they’d think, “Tempest could fit into these…” and I’d get a whole bunch of cool stuff to go through. What I couldn’t use I’d pass along or drop off at a charity shop. Now I’m not 115 pounds anymore. Not a size, 5 or 7, having 3 kids will do that, aging will do that, plus, I love food. How great is food? So great. Yeah, so not skinny anymore, no free clothes.

So yesterday, and Thursday, were filled with sticker-shock for me. Even clearance prices are more than I usually pay. When I shop thrift and charity shops I’m still scouting for their half-price items so I routinely pay about $2-$3 or less for shirts, less than $5 for skirts or pants, and less than $8 for dresses. The full price pants I picked up for myself the other day were $20, I thought that was bad, all the pants we got our son were much more. One pair was nearly $50. Ouch. I’m quite used to getting about 10 pairs for that kind of money. But we can do it now, when we need to, we can afford, at least sometimes, to get our boy brand new clothes and a heaping helping of good customer service. It’s a good feeling but old habits die hard. I know how to build the bulk of a wardrobe out of $50 and yesterday we spent that on one pair of slacks.

The Dam

My husband and son are out running. My husband says he is realizing his delusional thinking now. He thought: “We’ll start running in the mornings before work and we’ll do it all year!” It is now, in mid-ish August, just the littlest bit cooler and darker in the mornings and this morning he just groaned at the thought of dragging himself from our warm bed and out into the world for exercise. His new plan may be Tae Kwan Do or joining a gym but, whatever, they need to continue to exercise. My son is losing weight or maybe just changing shape a little. He looks a little fitter, stands a wee bit taller, most importantly he says that he feels much better on days that they run.

My middle daughter completely failed to find a job this summer. She hasn’t been able to get one, ever, except for through work-study at her community college. I think people take one look at her and just…. pass. She’s quite eccentric and won’t take any advice on appearance, which I understand, but job hunting is its own thing and you don’t get to Be You while you do it. I don’t know what to do. Is there a place for her in this world? Is there somewhere she can belong? Will anyone ever hire her? Can she ever support herself? I fight hard, daily, to keep it together, to NOT despair, if I let one crack show the dam will burst and I will spiral out. My oldest daughter is still working part time at the pharmacy chain, still plugging away at learning whatever computery thing my husband set her up to learn in the hopes that it could lead to some real employment. She’s still so sad, her eyes sometimes just about break me.

I must have done something, or some things, very wrong as a parent to have all three kids struggling SO HARD in various ways. I chew on that all the time until it hurts too much and I have to put it away again for a bit. I worked so hard at not making the mistakes my parents made. I made sure they were loved and looked after, that they had what they needed and KNEW they were loved. Maybe I should have pushed harder for better grades? I always wished we could have let them all try out more things like lessons, let them find their talents and passions, but we never had a lot of money. I threw them cool parties crafted with my own hands, I made the holidays as wonderful as I could, still do. We always had pets, always plenty of food, always kept them warm and safe.

I know the older two suffered when they were at their father’s. He’s a piece of work. Very big into punishments that included time-outs lasting hours, breaking their favorite toys, and what he called “gross jobs” like scrubbing garbage cans and toilets. He did a lot of damage to them, I know that, I wish I could have prevented it. He spent their childhood trying to get them brainwashed into his cult and they fought it, hard. That didn’t help much either. But our son was with us, he never had to deal with such petty tyrannies and traumas, and yet something has gone wrong for him too. He was much younger when I went through a prolonged depression and that must have been awful for him. Poor little lamb, and it’s down to me, somehow I fucked this up.

So, anyway, walking quickly on from that dam breaker. Fixing things. Yes, oldest is working, studying, and in therapy, middle is taking summer classes and is all signed up for fall and will get work study again, she’s got maybe 2 semesters left for her Associates at the rate she’s going, gets together with friends pretty regularly, also in therapy. Youngest, interning and earning money while gaining confidence and experience, set to go back to school in the fall, is learning to make and maintain friendships, has a gaming group, is in therapy, exercising… I think one more thing I might be able to do now that summer reading isn’t taking up so much of me is start a family night. We could play games or read together or something. We all need something.

The World is Full of Death & Horror

I don’t remember hearing about mass shootings when I was a kid. Ok, I remember people talking about Kent State and maybe some guy in a bell tower which I think were both kind of ancient history. (to me, as a kid) But these endless mass shootings, at schools, malls, walmarts, churches, fast food places… this wasn’t happening.

We had problems, sure, I remember some tylenol getting poisoned, we had drugs in schools, AIDS was hitting when I was near to graduating… plenty of issues. But I wasn’t afraid to go to school. I wasn’t thinking; “what if I get shot at my school today and DIE?” I’ve got a kid in college and a kid in high school now and I am legit considering buying shit I cannot afford because I am afraid my kids could get SHOT when their big worries should be homework, tests, and if some boy or girl likes them or not. https://wonderhoodie.com/products/bullet-proof-hoodie?variant=13837980827703

Yeah, I have miraculously avoided carrying any credit card debt but I’m considering starting to to afford bullet proof clothing, backpacks, I don’t know… maybe body guards? The world, or parts of it, or whatever, is just so frightening now. I’m hearing all kinds of …rumors? I guess that’s the right word, to avoid large gatherings, weirdly especially walmarts were mentioned which is nutty because that crappy chain is the one thoughtful people who can boycott have been boycotting for years anyway because it sucks in SO MANY WAYS, but apparently is also a massive receiver of EBT purchases and that and these horrible shooters are what? targeting the poor???

It’s too much for me these days. I find myself staying off social media because it’s full of people who don’t understand basic math, science or concepts, many of whom are full of anger, hate and/or fear. I can’t take the world as it is so I go to a safer place: Minecraft. If dodging zombies and creepers becomes too much I can always set it to peaceful for a while and build and farm to my heart’s content. Honestly, I think I’m starting to treat that game like a drug. Fuck it, it’s safe there.

Drama Mama as if I needed more…

So, anyone who’s read a few of my posts will know that I have a lot on my plate. I’ve got 3 grown and nearly grown kids, 2 on the autism spectrum, all 3 dealing with mental health issues like depression and/or anxiety. All of them live at home because of the many issues and the fact that wages are low and rent/cost of living is HIGH. That puts financial strain on us and, honestly, a strain on what has been an amazing marriage. That’s enough, right?

No, it isn’t, not for me. I’m an over-achiever in the loaded plate department. While I spend my days encouraging my kids to keep going, keep trying, keep studying, etc, encouraging my husband to keep studying and, as an alternative to some kind of spree, keep working or look for a new job that might not drive him so crazy, (good days are good at his job but bad days are insane) while I drive the non-drivers to appointments, school, to see friends etc, and I go to work, keep up with the house and put meals on the table, there’s a whole other level of stuff I have to deal with.

As if all that I’ve mentioned weren’t enough, I also have a drama-mama to deal with. I’m exhausted every time I deal with her, she demands more emotional work than anyone I’ve ever met, my therapist recommends I cut ties with her completely for my own mental health. She’s not a normal mom who wants the best for her children. There’s something broken inside her. Loads of people have told me, “She’s your mom, you only get one.” “She wants what’s best for you even if she’s made mistakes.” That might be true about most moms, that they try their best and want their kids to succeed and be happy, but there are mothers out there who honestly never should have had kids. Mine is one of them. I’m going to try to not dredge up the past today and just give you the latest example.

I live a 10 minute drive from my mother, my sisters wisely live 1,000 and 13,000 miles away. The other night I got a call from the sister who lives 1,000 miles away. She was calling to ask me if I knew our mother was dying and to ask if it was true that I, and my other sister, are not speaking to her. … … … Of course I knew what this was about. I won’t get into the long history, but I can’t trust my mother and we had a couple of recent incidents. She had a heart valve replaced a while back and was behaving almost like a normal mom for a couple of years, I let my guard down, went to he for a little emotional support. ROOKIE MISTAKE. The first incident I was really upset but I thought, hey, this is on me, I forgot who I was dealing with. So I let it go and kept spending time with her and all that. The second incident was a total set-up. We were having a conversation and she started pushing my buttons, you know, the one’s she installed while she was raising me? Well, she got what she wanted, I eventually raised my voice and gave her the chance to say; “Why are you so full of hate?” I happened to catch the very slight smile she had when she said it, her tiny celebration of her victory over me, well done.

So I gave myself some space from her. This time I was pissed at myself again but also at her. I wasn’t going to walk right by and forget it this time. I’m 52, she’s 73, I’m tired of this garbage. So, it’s been a few months or whatever and she’s noticed there are boundaries in place. (she hates boundaries) So she’s been worse than usual when we do speak, manipulative, trying to get me to say certain things, prying at me for information I am just no longer going to share. The other night she asked if I was ever going to bring my family over for swimming and BBQ ever again. So dramatic. I was supposed to reassure her and say all the things she wants to hear but I’m just done playing her stupid games. I asked; “Do you really want to have this conversation?” She said yes. So I told her that I can’t trust her, that she betrays my confidences, that she manipulates me, etc etc. All said along with things like “I’m not saying this is all deliberate,” “This is how I feel,” and when we got off the phone I said. “I’m sorry, mom, I know that is hard to hear. I love you.”

I know my 13,000 mile away sister recently told my mom not to visit in the fall because she is working and in school and it’s all just too much to have her come stay for weeks at a time. SO, our mother calls our other sister and tells her that supposedly her heart valve is failing and that she will not replace it so she’s dying, and me and little sister aren’t speaking to her. She is 100% lying about us not speaking to her and it wouldn’t be the first time she’s lied about a medical condition to create drama/manipulate one or more of us, so I don’t know what to make of it all. I actually tried to call her just to see how she’s doing and she didn’t call me back so, who’s not speaking to who? Sure, she’s welcome to not return calls, I respect that, but to do so while claiming I’m the one not talking to her? I’m just glad my sister saw right through her. We’ve all been dealing with this, and far worse, our whole lives.

Just for the record, our mother is married and has loads of people in her life, she is able to maintain friendships somehow. Probably because she takes her craziness out on her children, I’m just guessing.

Dungeons & Damsels

Today provided a ray of hope in a dim world for me.

My son, so shy, awkward, sooooo unsure, reached out, ever so slightly to the girl he’s got his eye on. He offered to share his dice tray during the game today when she was having nothing but ill luck. “Use my dice tray. It’s lucky.” Was what he said. She said “thanks” and they each looked down at the table and failed to contain the slightest of sweet smiles.

She’s as awkward and shy as he is. Bless her until the end of time. Her shyness gives him enough hope of not making an idiot of himself to try. Now he just needs to invite her somewhere, needs the confidence to ask her to come to a Renn faire or something. If she says yes then we’ll just need some slight coaching for conversation and offering to pay for her snacks and such. My sweet boy can do it, he can find someone to love in this dark world, I know it. Yes, he has his issues with depression and anxiety but he is also intelligent as hell and funny and kind. (not to mention gorgeous, what a cutie. I’m not biased, you’re biased! ;P )

He also did really well helping the new kid, younger kid, who just joined the game. My lad was patient and kind when I knew this kid was plucking my lad’s last nerve. He did better than my husband did displaying patience gently instructing the kid on how to play. It was pretty adorable. How can I worry so much about this kid? He has such strengths.

And he’s talking to a cute girl! ^_^

This is the first day that really counts as me no longer working 2 jobs. Normally I’d be going in to work soon and today I think I am going to miss the air conditioning. Saturday is also supposed to be a scorcher and I would have been working through the worst of it. I really hope the universe isn’t trying to tell me something…. Even if it is, I made this decision for important reasons.

I’ve been decluttering and cleaning, again, also spent some time watching these kooky videos with my son. I think the series is called “Tier Zoo” or something like that. It’s fascinating and sometimes hilarious. It treats the world as if it were a game and different organisms as character builds. It’s pretty entertaining.

OMG I think I am 3/4 melted in this heat and humidity. I feel so gross. I think I’ll have a cool shower before dinner, maybe one after dinner, definitely rinse off before bed… I’m starting to see the appeal of having a swimming pool despite the expense and the work involved. I’m making some kind of pasta-y broccoli/chicken casserole and a salad. I haven’t made the salad yet but the casserole is ready to bake. Please hold all applause, ha ha.

I’ve cleaned up a lot of random stuff in the bedroom, I’m still probably only about 10% done in there. So much to do. I need to cull my clothes again, and books, and general stuff. The kitchen might be done though. I cleared out a cupboard today and found 4 partial bags of semi-fossilized marshmallows and a bag of fat little biscuits that super weirdly had NOT gotten moldy. They must have been in there a year. Those are some DRY biscuits! I’m so bad at this. I mean, I’m really good at helping other people declutter, walking them through the “do you want to keep this item? Donate it? or is trash?” process until they can handle it on their own, but I have a hard time actually doing it on the scale my stuff requires that I do. I am making progress, I know that, it just feels so slow. I’m going to call my progress “glacial” so I can think about glaciers, big, beautiful chunks of ICE, so cold, so nice. I miss winter so much.

So, I need to get organized and break down my larger goals into smaller pieces. I want to declutter our whole house, yeah, of course, but should I take it room by room instead of doing whatever strikes my fancy on a given day? Would that help? So far I have been donating as I go which is an improvement over the past. Normally there would be boxes and bags of stuff lingering around the house, then lingering in the trunk of my car, and finally, months later, getting donated somewhere. Maybe I deserve a little credit for that kind of progress? Maybe, but there is so much stuff in here it’s crazy. No, there aren’t paths through some mad hoard, but there are a few rooms where it gets close to that bad sometimes. I’m working on it!

Can I ask you guys a question? (ok anther question) How many of you, who are parents, have wanted to or tried to start a family game night? I’ve tried a bunch of times and I think the failure comes down to, well, ME. I’m so tired after dinner I think I take no for an answer too readily. I feel like I don’t have much left to give by the time dinner is over and I don’t want to delve into the more complicated and entertaining games that might entice my family to actually play. Also, my attempts are short lived, I might try for a week or 2 but I tend to drop it after that. From what I’ve read about working with young adults, and from working with young adults professionally, I know that the formula for success is to just keep at it. Like this summer I’m showing movies on Fridays. Only my family came the first week, the second there was one extra young man, the third there were 4 people who attempted to stay, hopefully this week will be better. But they say in YA if you planned 8 workshops and no one comes to the 1st 7, run the 8th anyway. It takes time for teens to decide they want to do something, it takes time for them to trust that the offer is really sincere. I think I need to just apply that at home.

Death of Supermom…& a Toaster

Had a little trouble with the toaster over last night. This morning it flat out just didn’t work at all. It was somewhere between about 17 and 20 years old, it didn’t owe me anything, good innings. My son and I went and picked out a new one and set it up in the kitchen. It looks good, new, shiny, clearly more modern. Smaller too takes up less space on the counter. My Gramma & Grampa gave it to me. They died almost 10 years ago. Which is why I got all teary-eyed over a small appliance.

While we were out shopping and banking and such, I had to get some crochet hooks for a workshop I’ll be running soon, I started to feel a headache coming on. I did everything I could; the lad and I ate, drank water, I took some ibuprofen. We finished our errands and the headache just kept building. I’ve been lying in the dark drinking water, had some more food, took Tylenol and ibuprofen again. This is, of course, a migraine. I’m home and yet still useless to my family. I suppose I did spend most of the day with my son.

So this is me, letting go of broken things, letting go of expectations when I need to, being a woman who takes care of herself, of her health. I used to be very self-sacrificing. There was a time, when I was younger, I pushed myself and took care of everyone else. I prided myself on cooking 3 meals a day, cleaning, making every penny I had dance and sing to keep us all clothed and fed. In my relationship with my then boyfriend (now husband) I made all the work it took invisible to him. I smoothed down everything, kept things harmonious and smiled contentedly though every day and night. If he was happy, I was happy. They were good times, I liked who I was, but I think it was something no one could pull off forever. In my late 20s? No problem, I had loads of energy and enthusiasm and endless optimism. At 52? I need my sleep, I need a break, I need to be closer to the top of my own list.

Who or what do I want to be? I want to be a good mom who helps her kids get their shit together and succeed, I want to be a wife my husband can continue to adore, I want to be really good at my paid job, I want to make a difference. I want to write, paint, and create in general. I want to be an awesome friend to all my lovely friends. I want some peace, quiet and serenity. I would LOVE to never get another migraine, they suck. Is that too many things? Can I not have all that? My job is only part time if that helps.

Parenting an Introvert

We’re a very geeky family.

We have all gamed together and with others for years, in some cases decades, but a while ago, as we all got busier, the kids with school or work, my husband with work and more intense classes, me with 2 jobs, the gaming pretty much stopped. There just wasn’t time or energy to prepare and run much of anything.

We still talked about games and character concepts, of course, my son especially is always coming up with a new idea for an amazing character, usually power-maxed. Not long ago he and my husband were talking about games and our son says: “I miss when you weren’t in school and we’d talk about games and then they’d actually happen.” Within 24 hours he also told him “I miss spending time with you, Dad.” Our son was also struggling through a bit of dip, a return to a stronger depression than he’d felt in a while. He told us he was lonely.

Of course we were right there for him. My husband spent half the night talking to him, making a bit of a plan to make things immediately better. I gave notice at one of my jobs the next day so I can be home when he’s home more often and so we can eat more dinners as a family. My husband started planning a new RPG we can all play and he damn near quit school with only 9 credits to go. He’s decided not to drop out at but is trying not to obsess over keeping his 4.0 so he can prepare the RPG. He’s started running our son in a little solo intro. to it. It’s a superhero game we’ll soon join him in and it seems to be giving the lad a boost. We also signed him up for some Summer Reading activities at the library I work at. Tonight we’re painting Galaxy Mugs. About 90% of the participants in programming so far are girls, a fact that has not escaped my son’s notice. I think it’s good for him, he sort of gets to practice talking to girls in an environment where they have a built in subject to talk about. He’s in the library gaming group too (3 boys, 1 girl) and a gaming group with friends from his Jr. High. (a mixed group of about 5 kids) Both only meet maybe once a month but it’s something.

Sadly, his summer internship is paused as there is no work for him to do while 80% of the laptops are out for physical repairs. Once they get shipped back he’ll go back in and clean out all information and reset them up for the students returning in the fall. I think he’ll get about another week full-time. Last summer we sent him to writing camp for a week and to an art camp every Wednesday but he’s aged out of the writing camp and the art thing was expensive and he was really put off by something about it. I’m thinking of looking for something else but I don’t know where to start. The best activity we ever sent him to was Monster Camp where they spent a week making a mask and monster/creature using recycled materials and paper mache. That one only went to age 10 or 11 and he’s 17 now so….

I’m thinking about maybe getting him into LARPing. It’s very social and a lot of fun. Now that I have some Saturdays off it isn’t impossible anymore. The LARPs I’ve been to have been pretty outdoorsy though, and he hates being bug bit and being in the sun and heat. There must be some indoor LARP options, I should contact my friends who are into it. I know it would probably be too much for him at first, too much interaction, but maybe if there was a place for him to recharge once in a while… I think he’d really like it. I cannot fail this kid. He’s so bright and funny and kind and just wonderful. It kills me that he’s so sad and lonely. Depression + anxiety is AWFUL. When I was a teen in the 80s we just hung out. We’d go to each other’s houses and watch crappy TV shows or MTV, we might draw or do little crafts or eat, but it wasn’t really a focus. I don’t think kids do that so much anymore. They are always texting or something similar but not getting together much. I think that sucks.

Minor Revelations

My 17 year old is depressed and anxious. He’s also very introverted and doesn’t feel motivated to hang out with people so we have to push him to do that. He has fun when he does, usually. His therapist has been giving him assignments over the past year, to hang out with peers, to introduce himself to people, to reach out more in general, to get involved in activities with others. Recently, my husband has started giving him assignments too. He told our son to pick a girl he finds attractive (at this art activity he was in) and walk up to her before he left and just say “I really like what you did, it’s cool.” and smile. He did it! (I freaking saw him do it because I was running the activity)

He does try to do all the things we and the therapist suggest to him. He and his dad have been running in the mornings for a few weeks and eating better too. He used to drink a ton of juice and juice, beyond a small glass or 2 per day is rubbish for you. It’s basically all sugar. I took juice away a while ago and the kid lost 12 pounds in a few weeks. I’ve been trying to get him to drink water all along, it being the actual liquid our bodies crave, but he hasn’t been into it at all. Since our weekend away at the Cape, besides decluttering I’ve been washing up the dishes right after meals and also keeping a full pitcher of water in the fridge. Suddenly the kid is drinking water all the time. I can’t believe it, he hated water, now he loves it because it’s cold from the fridge. He’s also eating fruit, especially grapes, he and my husband agree that grapes are AWESOME right after their morning run.

Oh, and he also wants to get into Tae Kwan Do now. The only exercise I’ve ever been able to get him to do was swimming! A whole combination of things has come together and all these long wanted changes are suddenly happening. He’s been in therapy and on meds for a year, we’re eating family meals together much more consistently, there is cold water in the fridge at all times, and he started running with his dad. He is becoming a happier, healthier kid. Some changes are dramatic and some are subtle but they are happening. He and my husband are both losing weight. Oh, for anyone who’s wondering, they are using something called “Couch to 5K” it’s an app you can get for your phone that tells you what to do each day and builds you up to being able to run 5K. I’ve been walking using the new Harry Potter game as motivation because I am on my feet at home and at work much more than they are and I don’t like running. (Plus, Harry Potter ^_^ )

Do any other Gen-Xers out there find parenting to be this insane guessing game? I’ve always looked back on my own upbringing and found almost nothing but a negative example from my Boomer parent’s F***-ups. They were a lesson in what NOT to do but I still struggled with what TO do. Yeah, I chose not to punish my kids by hitting them, I chose not to dole out art supplies with an eye dropper, I chose not to force them to subscribe to any particular religion or anything, lots of mistakes of my parents I was able to side step… but not doing things isn’t really much to go on. I read to my kids like crazy, I made loads of art with them, I reasoned with them rather than using punishment, (at least 90% of the time) and I fed them, clothed them, housed them, loved the stuffing out of them. We always had plenty of pets, usually a sane amount like 4 or less but occasionally more, and had the kids help care for them. We didn’t demand high grades, middling were ok, we didn’t send them to a lot of activities… and that’s one thing I would go back and change. I think that was a mistake. We should have had them in activities and lessons more, at least to try way more things out. It’s too late now, maybe we can still do a little of that for our youngest but it’s too late for the older 2.

Why does that make me feel like such a failure? Parenting has been a very seat-of-our-pants affair and our parents were no help at all. We’ve done the best we could, taken our best guesses, but I feel awful for what I didn’t do that I now think might have helped. Even if you read books by so-called experts on parenting they all contradict each other and the general advice changes every few years. What the heck are we supposed to do with all that? So, here I am, trying to help my kids where they are now, basically having to hope that loving them so much all these years will have been enough so that they can still get to the point of Adult Functioning… even if it’s LATE. And still hoping all this won’t kill my beautiful, wonderful marriage to the best guy I’ve ever met.

I’m trying to build myself up to be more hopeful but I live in Bummerville.

Stuck in the Middle

I’m 52 and, like everyone else, I find myself struggling with life in general. I have 3 kids, 2 in their 20s and 1 who is 17 so they are pretty much grown at this point… only they’re not.

The older 2 are autistic, high functioning and all but, they have these… roadblocks in their way that a lot of young people don’t. My middle child has been trying to learn to drive for years. She’s nearly 23 and no matter how we practice and despite $1,000 in private professional lessons, she is just not even close to being a safe or sane driver. So she’s never been able to get a job. We are in a rural area and she’s been applying to all the places she can walk to, repeatedly, for years. She’s got other issues that factor in to her not getting hired, such as not having any work history and being something of an eccentric. That alone makes me want to weep.

My eldest child is employed, underemployed, by a chain pharmacy. She’s nearly 26 and has gotten her driver’s license and worked in food service and such. She’s more competent and less eccentric and can range out as far as she needs to to find work. She’s got other issues though and with her low-paying, part time job and rents being very high she’s back living with us and tension is rising under the surface. It makes me want to cry.

My youngest will be a junior in high school next year. He has some autistic traits for sure but seems to have a better grasp of how things work and what he needs to do to succeed in life. He doesn’t drive yet but we hope to get his permit this summer. He’s been sort of employed at a couple of paid internships for a few weeks this summer and last. He’s been good with the money he’s earned, even put some into a sort of retirement account. He struggles with organization and has social issues.

All of my kids are struggling with mental health issues like depression, anxiety, and more. We are doing everything we can to help them but it’s exhausting and stressful and progress at getting the older 2 to be functional adults is glacial. My heart is breaking because it’s starting to take a toll on my marriage. Actually, maybe it’s been taking it’s toll for a long time and denial has been my refuge… It’s hard on my husband supporting all of us. I work too, part time and at home. I’m the main cook and housekeeper, the one who drives the non-drivers to most things. There’s school, doctors appointments, therapy, a few activities and such. Other people help with the driving. My husband drives if I’m at work, or my mother, thankfully. There’s so many issues, some I can talk about and some I can’t, not mine to tell.

My husband is way past wanting the older 2 to move out and be independent, WAY, WAY, WAY past. He’s been very patient. My eldest has been out on her own a couple of times. Had apartments with friends and with a partner who turned out to be an abusive jerk. She was so miserable in that relationship that she became suicidal. My middle child struggles socially in ways that I find difficult to fathom and she is very anxious and depressed. Both get overwhelmed pretty easily so I try to help them progress without too much “pushing” I focus on encouragement. Progress is soul-suckingly slow, I might have mentioned. So here I am, stuck between a husband who is cracking under the strain of all that is piled on his shoulders, who wants to push these kids out of the nest, and 2 very vulnerable 20-somethings who I worry would not make it out there. RENT ALONE is too much for either one to handle.

So, I encourage my girls, support them as they try, one is taking classes the other is studying to get a computer certification, one is looking for work, the other is working and trying to get more hours/a raise/a promotion, and I tell my husband about every little bit of progress I see them making. I try to keep things as harmonious as I can around here. I am beyond stressed out and completely spent from doing the vast bulk of all the emotional work. I love these crazy, wonderful people. I LOVE them so much. I’m tired, I’m so tired and wrung out, I just want to lock myself in a place with tea and books and peace for a while, or a few years until this all gets sorted out, but I won’t. I’ll find a way to keep being supportive and encouraging and help all my kids find their feet. Hopefully no one will break during this process, hopefully my marriage won’t be destroyed and my kids won’t end up hating me.

Seriously, when did life get so freaking complicated and difficult? Not that it was a bed of roses, ever, but remember all the fun we had in our 20s? Remember when we were struggling to pay rent and trying to afford to eat something other than pasta all the time but still had beer money? We got restaurant jobs so we could get employee meals that were better than we could afford usually. We had roommates that drove us crazy and wouldn’t pay their long distance bills and left gross things on/in the couch or fridge. We struggled to keep a car on the road, to get a job that could support us. We thought life was super stressful, right? Then we, some of us, had kids and we thought the sleep deprivation days of having babies and young kids was stressful, the ER trips with high fevers, etc, then the kids went to school and there was that, but this? I’m telling you this is so painful and stressful I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Welcome to bummertown. Population: me.