2020 First Days

It’s January 2nd and I spent most of yesterday cleaning, decluttering and reading. A good day. I like to use the first week or month of the year to clear things out and make space/raise energy for growth and learning new things. This year I have a long list of skills I want to develop.

lotion making
soap making
gardening
foraging
mending socks and other clothing
weaving baskets
cooking with a bamboo steamer
candle making
sewing clothes
learning to interpret both Tarot and Norse Runes

I’ve set my reading goal for 1 book per week and intend to read mostly nonfiction that will help me learn all these new skills. I’ll sprinkle in some fiction for entertainment/escape doubling as me reading along with the book boot camp I’ll be running for the teenagers. I set my sights too high for reading in 2019 and didn’t make my goal. (60 books) I did manage 1 book per week so I feel like that’s fair. How much can I really ask of myself when I have so much on my plate? Other sorts of goals I’ve set for myself for 2020 are:

Getting fit
Eating much better
Reading daily (however much)
Writing Daily (blogging, fiction, poetry, whatever)
Decluttering down to a more beautiful, manageable home
Creating/Crafting daily (fiber arts, painting, etc)
Making more time for intimacy & alone time, including sex, with my husband.

That last one: seriously, who would have guessed it would be more difficult to find time for the 2 of us with young adults in our home than toddlers?????? WTF?

I also want to slow down and be more present in my life. Hilarious next to a list of goals and activities I know. But I think I can do it. It has to do with how I approach all this learning and all these goals. The Danish practice of hygge is kind of what I’m thinking of here. I just read The Cozy Life; by Pia Edberg and I think it’s helped me shift my perspective, given me a new idea of how to keep moving forward without putting too much pressure on myself. Believe me, I will not be beating myself up if I fail to learn some of these skills, I am a master at changing tack and dropping things I don’t need or don’t serve me, I am always reevaluating. 2 days into 2020 and I already didn’t write yesterday. ^_^ I did read though, so there’s that. Now I’m off to continue cleaning and decluttering.

Holiday Budgeting

I grew up pretty well off. My father had a good education and a government job. We owned our own house and my parents had 2 cars. My mom stayed at home and we had an above ground pool with a deck. I never went hungry because of a lack of food. My parents were able to do things like buy a little sailboat and afford lessons now and again for my sisters and I. I know we were not rich by any stretch. My parents extensive skills and frugality played a big part in our being able to live the way we did. My father did all the carpentry, plumbing, and wiring in our house. He fixed our cars, scraped and painted the siding, installed the pool, built the deck etc. My mother cooked our meals largely from scratch, sewed and repaired our clothes, knit our scarves and mittens, tended our vegetable garden etc.

When I grew up and left home I was side-swiped by life. I had no idea what I was doing and hadn’t been taught anything by my parents. I didn’t know how to cook, or use a washing machine, or a dishwasher, I didn’t know how to manage money. I worked for minimum wage as did my boyfriends and later my first husband. I went from having no worries to having nothing but. I spent over 15 years of my adult life living in various levels of poverty. I had 2 kids in my first marriage. I was married for about 6 years before I left with a 3 year old and 6 week old. We never rose above poverty and when I left I was on welfare and such for 2 years. By the time I was on my own I knew how to cook but I still didn’t know how to manage money well because my first husband refused to give me access to any. I had thought about it a lot though and I figured out how to keep things level on my tiny budget. The first year on my own was something of a shock.

I don’t know if I’ve said before but I spent my first marriage in what is sometimes called a “high control group” or what normal people call a cult. It’s a friendly neighborhood cult that I am sure you’ve run into. Maybe it works for some people, don’t know and don’t care, for me it became a kind of prison. The cult gave my first husband permission to be in charge of me and that was an ugly look on him. Eventually I found a way to leave but it was difficult and involved lying about money and a secret bank account. (for fleeing money) That’s it’s own story. I want to talk about the holidays and a lack of money.

I left my first marriage on November 1st 1996 and got into a subsidized apartment 21 days later. My welfare hadn’t come through yet, it was terrifying, but I had WIC and food stamps and my fleeing money which wasn’t much. So it was very near to Christmas and it was my kid’s first Christmas, both of them, as the cult forbids the celebration of any holidays. I was feeling so, so bad that I couldn’t do almost anything for my kids. The 3 year old was finally getting exposed to the celebration, the excitement etc, and I couldn’t even put up a tree. I didn’t have a single string of lights, or a holiday dishtowel or anything. No worries, we’d have xmas day at my mothers and her house looked like Santa decorated it himself. I spent $50 on each of my sweet babies, all I dared to. They each had 3 toys from their mom. It felt small and sad to me, I’d grown up in a fair blizzard of presents between my parents and grandparents. It was fine really, my mom and other family members and some friends all got things for the kids and the 3 year old was thrilled with everything.

So, after that first, kind of sudden holiday, I told myself next year would be very different. Our apartment would be decorated, we would have a tree and all that stuff. The kids could wake up xmas morning and come downstairs and see presents and have that morning in their PJs. I had a plan. My Christmas shopping for 1997 started in January. I knew what my income would be for the year, very low, so I knew what I could spend. My friends had given me ornaments for xmas 1996 so I had a few to get me started. I shopped the after xmas sales. Craft shops like Joann’s and Michael’s heavily discount holiday decorations and craft bits after the holidays pass. 50%, 75%, I’ve seen 90% on some things. I picked and I chose and price was very much an issue. I got holiday craft items I could use to make presents for friends and family too. In all I spent under $25 but I had decorations for my future tree, dishtowels, pot holders, a few wall decorations etc. The rest of the year I shopped in thrift and junk shops, tag sales etc. and I picked up toys, books and other gifts for my kids. By December I had plenty for them.

That’s how I did things for years. I kept my eyes open for great deals all year long and kept my finds hidden away. I also kept grandparents in the loop for things the kids needed that I couldn’t fit in the budget or didn’t have the luck to find in the right size on the secondhand market. My mom bought snow pants, boots, sleds, and brand new toys that hadn’t made it to secondhand stores yet. I was lucky to have friends and family who could afford some of the things I couldn’t but I recommend my general method to folks who are struggling with the expense of the holidays. My Decembers were no more expensive than any other month back then. I wasn’t taught how to manage money or run a household but I did have my parent’s examples to look back on and I figured it out. I’m not saying that anyone, anywhere can replicate what I did, but I think the strategy can HELP…. like for next year because the holidays are right on top of us now.

I’m at a point now where I can spend some money on the holidays. It was an uphill battle getting here and it took a long time. I still buy lots of used gifts for my kids, my husband, family and friends. I still make a lot of gifts too! I knit scarves, make mittens, lip balm, etc. I still shop the after holiday sales in case there is something I stumble across that would help me make great gifts for the next year. I’ve taught my (grown and nearly grown) kids to bargain shop and make presents when they can. My son makes paintings for gifts sometimes, one of my daughters usually paints miniature figures, bought cheap, for everyone. (We’re all gamers)

That’s the quick and dirty version of my advice or whatever. I have a lot to say about the whole idea of making holidays non-stressful and inexpensive and everyday survival budgeting. I know my idea don’t work for every situation, I know they aren’t magic, I just know they can help some people so I want to share.

Gummi Lives Were Lost…

The 17 & 23 year olds and I attempted to assemble a sweet little gingerbread village the other night. I had a vision in my head of these adorable little houses covered in candy with a peaceful clan of gummi bears abiding in peace and joy. … but it was not to be.

As you can see it started promisingly enough with a few, structurally sound, buildings but before long the rot set in. Nothing was up to code. When the church collapsed paranoia reigned, the architect was found murdered and the witch burnings began. The remaining villagers tried to shore up their sagging walls with candy canes and prayed for a mild winter. The whole area was declared a gingerbread disaster area but aid is slow in coming. The nights are long and cold and the wine has run out.

So, yes, I let my 17 year old’s macabre sense of humor have a place even in what I imagined would be a wholesome activity. When everything started breaking and sagging he came up with this whole scenario. The 23 year old had her bears, who are apparently disaster preppers, pull back to the family home, post guards, set watches and start rationing food. I think it was me who suggested the town would start turning on the wise women and healers. We had a lot of fun and couldn’t stop laughing. My husband thinks we’re all crazy. ^_^

Hearth & Home

I woke up at 5 am and, even though it was plenty warm in the bedroom, I felt like I should head downstairs early and check the wood stove. It is cold out there this morning, currently 2 degrees, and there’s almost no wood left on the rack we keep on the porch. The kids were supposed to fill it 2 days ago but since the big snowfall there’s been a mound of snow at the end of the driveway, between the house and the wood shed. Our snow blower is inconveniently out of commission due to yet another mouse nest so the path through the snow mound is slim and was made by my walking the dog. You would think I asked the 17 and 23 year olds to cross the Alps to get fire wood. Sheesh. I got the fire going but there isn’t much wood up here for it. I can feel the cold pushing through the walls still so I will be letting the kids know that TODAY they get to fill the wood rack when it’s a nice toasty, I’m guessing, 10 degrees out later!

The laundry detergent experiment was successful! It’s so easy and cheap to make and it doesn’t leave heavy perfume on the laundry, it smells clean, it almost smells like it was dried outside. I’m completely thrilled with it and plan to continue making it. I started out by making my own washing soda. I poured 4 lbs of super cheap baking soda onto a very large baking tray and baked it in a 400 degree oven for an hour. Voila! Washing soda. (about 6 or 7 Cups of it) From there, to make the detergent all you have to do is mix a ratio of 1 Cup washing soda, 1 Cup Borax, (available in the laundry aisle in the grocery store) and 1/2-1 Cup of grated bar soap, any kind, I used Trader Joe’s Honey & Oatmeal soap. For 2 large canning jars of detergent I used about 4 Cups each of washing soda and Borax and 2 Cups of grated bar soap. Each load takes 1/4 Cup detergent and I always put it in before the adding the clothes to the washer. My total cost was about $5.07 total for the two 1 quart jars below. I’m estimating I’ll be able to wash about 40 loads or so with this. I am positive there are cheaper detergents out there but, because this was an experiment, I didn’t bargain hunt at all. I got the baking soda and Borax at the same store and used a bar of soap I already had on hand. I think if I comparison shopped I could bring down the cost somewhat

Left: Baking soda after baking = washing soda, and a plate of grated bar soap. Right: the finished laundry detergent.

My husband is deep in his final project for his degree. Only 1 1/2 weeks left to go and we’ll get to spend time with him again. It has been a long 6 years! He spent all day on it yesterday while I tended the fire, ran errands, ferried kids, baked bread, made meals, finished the knitting on the last scarf for next weekend, and did laundry and mounds and mounds of dishes. There weren’t mounds of dishes festering in the sink, to be clear, I was just cooking all day so there were multiple rounds of dishes. I am in no way so organized and motivated that mounds of dishes festering in the sink doesn’t happen, it just didn’t happen Yesterday. I have long considered myself an indifferent housekeeper. I’m a good cook, I clean daily… to some extent, but I tolerate a level of mess, dust, and dirt that puts all my friends at ease when they come over. I imagine they think: “Oh, she really DOESN’T judge my housekeeping!” Yeah, I don’t. My gods, why would I? If someone’s house is comfortable, livable, then it’s fine. Dust, cobwebs in the corners, a laundry pile, and dishes in the sink are par for the course. If your place is messier than that I assume you’re planning on catching up with it soonish, maybe you’ve been working more, or are a little under the weather or depressed/stressed, etc. We’ve all been there, usually pretty regularly, and the women that don’t go there? I know they exist, their homes always seem spotless and perfect, I assume those chicks are hiding something. (probably bodies in the basement)

Keeping busy and learning new skills seems to be good for my mental health. I’m noticing a more positive outlook blooming here behind my eyes. The idea that there is a lot to do isn’t as scary when I’m busy and actually ticking lots of things off the list. Also, life doesn’t feel so overwhelming when I’m successfully learning to do new things. Even unsuccessful experiments give me a little boost. I tend to laugh at myself or at the sub-par outcomes because my experiments are cheap and usually instantly repeatable. I just re-read instructions or search for alternate instructions and try again. It builds my confidence to overcome little setbacks and it makes me really happy when I succeed in making something that seemed unmakeable to me previously… like lip balm! I’ve been paying over $3 each for little tubes of it and now I can make tins twice the size for pennies. I can make any flavor I want and it’s ridiculously easy. I feel like an alchemist. I may start wearing robes and carrying a staff or something.

Of course what I’d really like to be is a Druid. My dream is to live in an amazing little permaculture forest garden with lots of animals and I can grow and forage all our food and make most anything we need, like clothes, furniture, and such. I have been a frustrated Druid for my entire life. I need to take like gardening classes or something. Do they have those? I’ve been trying to keep a few herbs alive indoors. They are… struggling. They are still alive though so I think it counts.

Killing Stress with New Skills

Life is hard. It just is. So fucking hard. My house is like some kind of stress factory and I spend so much time doing emotional work for others that I am tired All The Time. Things tend to feel stagnant, like no progress is being made, especially re. the kids. Eldest is still working part time for minimum wage although her hours are up because of holiday busyness. Youngest is in 11th grade and muddling along doing as little as he can get away with doing but he is finding some joy there, some interest, the future remains a Giant Ball of Dread to him though. Middlest is going along at community college with a 3/4 schedule + work-study. She’s seen one paycheck so far and it covered less than 1/10th of he tuition, books and art supplies, hopefully there will be a flurry of checks SOON. Husband is in his last semester for his latest degree and is fully stressing out. He has 8 days to write a 25 page paper and he has a few paragraphs so far. I think panic is about to set in. His job is also driving him full-on Crazy right now with a huge and scary server migration + the replacement of all copiers and printers etc etc. He’s supposed to be focusing on these VERY IMPORTANT trainings on the new server stuff so he can, you know, DO his job, but gets interrupted every 1-2 minutes by people with piddly little problems they want fixed “now.” His assistant is trying very hard to keep people away from him but he’s still getting over 25 emails per hour all day long.

Yeah, so stressful is the word. Slow progress for kids, too much on husband’s plate, we’re all border-lining on illness most of the time now. My headaches are getting worse, I assume it’s stress. I am trying to make home a sanctuary from all the madness by continuing to declutter, getting nice meals on the table daily, keeping healthy snacks on hand as well as cocoa, wine and beer, and of course I am always cleaning, keeping the fire going and so on. I’m finding my peace in learning new skills and trying new things. I watch Li Ziqi on YouTube because everything she does is both relaxing to watch and completely inspiring. I’ll be watching while I knit and my husband will glance up to see her using hand tools to just flat out make something out of trees she cut down or something and he’ll ask: “what’s she making? I seriously wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out to be a working helicopter made from scrap metal and bamboo.” All I can say is; “Right????” Some of her stuff has no English translation to it at all so I watch the whole video completely confused by what veggies she’s cooking but in the end I want to eat it all, anyway even with all my allergies, because her cooking looks so amazing I swear I can almost smell it. Here’s a link to her channel if you’re interested: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCoC47do520os_4DBMEFGg4A

So, new skills I’ve been working on:

Learning to dry fruits and veggies. So far: oranges, apples, cranberries and hot peppers.
Darning socks, I haven’t got this figured out yet, it doesn’t look all that hard but it turns out to be tricky.
Making my own lip-balm. SO EASY! Plus I get custom flavors and simple ingredients.
Making my own laundry detergent, yeah, I’m doing this right now as I type. I’ve got baking soda cooking away at 400 degrees to turn it into washing soda and then I grate up some soap, mix everything together with Borax and apparently That’s IT.

There are loads of skills I want to learn that will keep me busy… probably the rest of my life if I’m honest. I want to learn to garden, to grow my own food and herbs, I want to learn to make clothes that look good, presentable, tailored I guess, that are well-made and will last. I want to learn to build things, whatever I need really, like shelves, or raised garden beds, or wooden furniture. I want to learn languages, so many, so, so many, I can’t even choose where to start. I also like to learn to make pretty much all household cleaners and such-like things. It’s stunning how much we pay for stuff like that and it’s made out of pretty simple stuff for the most part. I’m sure I’ll let you know how my experiments go.

To-Do lists and such

Yep, I just plain eat too much for how active I am… or am not. Up the activity level, lower the calories, I should be able to do that. We’ll see, no luck so far. My husband has lost 7 pounds already. No success in this are for me, BUT my progress on today’s to-do list is already impressive at 9am.

laid a fire in the wood stove
fed the cats
put away clean dishes
drove kids to school
got sick hubby breakfast in bed
filled the wood box
started a load of wash
cleaned the cat boxes
knit 2 stripes on the Hufflepuff scarf
put away the rakes and clippers
brought the snow shovels up from the shed
located and ordered firewood
remembered to get chicken out to thaw for tomorrow (yay)

Seems like a long list when I write it out like that but it’s just part of all I need to do today. I’m going to lay that out and see what it looks like…

take trash and recycling to transfer station
drop off check at farm stand
plan and execute dinner
clean fridge
wash dishes
fold and put away yesterday’s laundry
hang today’s laundry to dry
sweep kitchen and dining rooms
clean downstairs bath
pick up kids, probably separately (ugh)
get cash for the wood delivery
finish sewing felted mittens and fleece liners
knit 2 more stripes (I need to finish all 4 house scarves for mid-Dec.)
Try to figure out how to fix my friend’s coat
read at least 2 chapters of my book (probably at bedtime)
clean and declutter a bit in our bedroom
finish planning Thanksgiving feast
start planning Yule feast
look into craft projects for Yule and order supplies if needed

That ought to be enough for one day. I do want to try to have some kind of family activity tonight if we can, though it looks like I’ll be pretty tired by the time dinner is done and hubby is sick. hmm. Maybe we could have a movie night at home on Saturday or a game night. I feel like all I do is write I.O.U.s to my kids for stuff like that. We did have a Mutants and Masterminds game on Sunday but that was pretty much my husband’s doing. He’s a really good dad. ^_^

Physical and Mental can get in Sync Any Time Now….

I’m physically falling apart and mentally starting on an upswing. It’s actually super weird because I feel like I can tackle anything, in my head, but my body does Not agree. Usually my head is the one dragging me down, telling me I can’t do something, and I’ll feel physically confident even though I am a huge klutz with limited skills.

I’ve been quite tired for a bit now and achey. I keep getting minor injuries, bruises and that, from crashing into things, (klutz) or stumbling, or the other day when either my IBS was acting up or I had food poisoning. Yeah, I seem to have lightly pulled a muscle in my back … from puking. LOVELY. I keep turning my ankles stumbling just enough to keep them achey. It’s ridiculous.

Meanwhile, I’m busy cleaning, decluttering, working on fun projects for work and for myself. One project is I’m knitting house scarves (Harry Potter reference) for the teens at the library. When I show Sorcerer’s Stone in December I’m going to have puzzles the teens can complete to enter a drawing for the house scarf of their choice. I really hope I can get all 4 done in time. I’m only halfway through the Griffindor scarf at the moment.

I’ve also been reading more, trying new recipes, getting ahead scheduling events at work, managing my time better and saying NO to things I don’t have time for or don’t want to do. I’ve also been working on enlisting the kids to do more around the house. There’s just so much and they need to develop the skills for when they’re on their own. (whatever they may believe about me exploiting their labor)

Before I pop off, here’s a book recommendation: Hollow Kingdom; by Kira Jane Buxton. It’s insane, funny, touching, heartbreaking, filled with expletives and still reverent. I don’t want to give anything away. It’s Wonderful.

CAUTION: RANTING AHEAD

Okay, I’m going to vent, you’ve been warned.

I have 3 non-neuro-typical kids ages 17-26. All of them still live at home and are not fully functioning adults at this time. All 3 suffer from depression, 2 from anxiety, all 3 have other issues as well. The older 2 kids are my kids and my husband’s step-kids which adds a little something to the mix. My husband has a good job that keeps a roof over our heads, food on the table, etc. etc. I work part time.

My eldest works part time and studies a computer book toward a certification… hopefully. Eldest drives and deals with her car insurance and oil changes and stuff. She helps around the house doing dishes, vacuuming, pet care. She spends some of her time writing what I think she describes as fanfic. Her writing, and the response she gets to it, give her a boost of self-esteem. I’m in favor of that.

Middle child goes to a local community college studying for an English degree at this time. (it changes sometimes) The only work she’s ever been able to get is work study at the college. She probably comes close to paying us back each semester for her classes, books etc. but that’s it. She paints gaming miniatures for money whenever she can. Work there is very sporadic. She’s good at it but it’s super niche’ and a luxury few can afford. She mowed the lawn roughly 1x/week for $20/week this summer. We support her financially, obviously. She has been trying to learn to drive for years but is in no way ready to be driving on her own. Honestly, she’s bad at it. Autism in her case means not being able to process everything and make good decisions quickly. I wish my husband would give up on it, it seems like something she shouldn’t do, but we live in a rural area and she either drives, gets us to drive her, or moves to a city with great public transport which is slightly complicated by her not being able to get a job or manage her life.

Youngest is 17. He’s doing pretty well so far this year even though his 2 best friends both moved on to different schools. He seems to be making other friends and is doing ok in his classes. He’s got an adulting class which makes him anxious because he hates thinking of the future, not sure WTF to do about that. I tell him there’s no pressure on him, just calmly look at all the options and think about what he’d like to explore, nothing carved in stone, no scary deadline, and so on. I’m working with him trying to get him to manage his daily life better. He needs to get up on time in the morning, which means getting to sleep at a reasonable hour, needs to learn to keep up with cleaning his room, doing his laundry and so on. He is interested in learning to cook to the point where he can keep himself happily fed, so we work on that. He’s great at coming up with marinades and he handles all of that, he’s learning to make certain dishes and to BBQ a bit. He handles most of the dog care. He doesn’t drive yet, doesn’t have a permit. He seemed like he wanted to but backed off for some reason.

So, they are all behind where they “should” be, where most kids are at their ages, we focus on encouraging them, trying to add to their responsibilities, being supportive. It’s a struggle, it’s frustrating, it’s hard not to despair sometimes. It super doesn’t help that my husband is surrounded by high achieving kids at work, constantly bombarded by beaming parents boasting about their amazing offspring. It’s demoralizing for him and it makes him more frustrated with the kids than he might be otherwise. For myself I could stand not to have my mother constantly tell me how awesome a job my sisters did at parenting, how great their kids are and how she worries so much about mine. STFU MOM! NOT helping! I have 2 sisters, we each ended up having 3 kids, one sister has 3 neurotypical kids, the other has 2 NT and one who isn’t. Would you look at the one non-neurotypical kid? Wow, he’s doing so great. He is, he’s doing great and I am over the moon that he is. I love him. What I can’t take one more freaking second of is the idea that I somehow failed my kids, which my mother CLEARLY believes and likes to rub in my face.

It isn’t fair at all to compare my sister and I and blame my parenting for the fact that my kids aren’t burning up the sky like all parents wish for their kids. My sister had so much help that I never got. Her in-laws were very involved and often took the kids for a weekend or a week, they babysat, they helped with expenses, they got involved in the kid’s lives in real ways. During her last pregnancy, our actual father moved to live in her state, in her town, and started helping too. His parents followed him out there and lent their support. My sister is smart and fairly driven, she got a degree and a a good job and had the built in support to be able to work while other people helped out with driving and watching the kids as needed. Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of her, she did amazing, but if I had the kind of support she did I might be amazing too. We will never know. With her husbands very good job and all the support they have been able to afford everything they have needed for their kids. Nothing has really been out of reach for them, which is so cool, I really am happy for them. I love my sis, her hubby and their kids. I can’t tell you how proud I am of them. I just don’t need to hear it so, so, so often. Because….

I live very near my mom. She did not babysit. She helped with rides, which I am grateful for, but we paid for those rides with the stress of dealing with her. She could not deal with the difficulties that come with dealing with my kids, my eldest was a handful when she was younger, and my mother made it worse by setting her off, blaming me for not handling her correctly, etc. I was so stuck. She was the only one I had to help at all and it came at such a cost. She helped financially at times, always with the understanding she would be paid back in full, which we did though it was difficult. My husband’s family was useless in helping with the kids. They didn’t care to be involved with the older 2, though his brothers enjoyed spending time with them on their rare visits. We spent years utterly strapped financially with occasional bouts of being on an even keel. We had my ex to deal with and the insanity of him trying to force the older kids into his religion, then his eventual rejection of the kids as they refused to join. All the work has been on us, we are exhausted, we are demoralized and we wish like hell we knew what to do.

But this is where we are. We have 3 grown and almost grown kids who are not where they should be with life goals, accomplishments and mental health. We have loved and loved and loved these kids and done our best with what we’ve had to work with. We had therapists, doctors, and we did what we could to expose them to interests but we couldn’t afford much. We’re still trying, we’re still working hard while most people with kids the same ages as ours are now able to brag about their kid’s accomplishments we get to answer “how are the kids?” with; “They’re doing ok. Eldest is working part time, middle is in school part time, and youngest is in HS… no the younger ones aren’t driving yet, no they don’t have jobs….” Progress is glacial.

Please, if you have amazing, neuro-typical kids who are doing wonderful, I know you want to brag, and I get it, I am truly happy for you, but please try to remember that some of your friends and family have kids who are not neuro-typical or have other challenges, and though they LOVE your kids and are happy for you, hearing about all the wonderful milestones your kids breeze through can be really painful. It is heartbreaking to work so hard, invest so much love and support, watch the slow, painful progress, and when you feel some small germ of hope because a friend was tentatively made, or a kid is finally taking 3/4 of a full schedule of classes, or at last broke 30 hours/week at their part time job… to hear that someone else’s kid has 20 friends and they are all going to do charity work together in a foreign land, or they just graduated, got their masters with a 4.0, or landed an awesome fortune 500 level job. etc etc.

I don’t know what my kids might accomplish, they are bright, sweet, amazing people. They aren’t where most people their ages are, they don’t have it all together yet, or even mostly together, they can’t even fake it, really. But they are kind and creative and I am proud of them. It just feels really awful when someone asks how the kids are and I say, “well, middle child joined the history club at community college, so that’s encouraging.” and they answer with, “Oh, this other kid just got accepted at 6 ivy league schools and has to choose which one to go to now. ” I know they don’t mean to make me feel terrible but I do. My kid did a tiny thing, their’s did a huge thing. I feel like my kid’s accomplishments don’t matter, it will never be enough, it’s all some kind of competition.

Ok, I’m done. I don’t know if I feel any better, but I’m done.

Thoughts While Waiting

I’ve removed as much junk as I can without a truck, gathered as many building supplies as I can without a truck, and installed new locks. Now all I can do is wait for Anita to email me back with a time she can come help me. Ok, maybe not ALL I can do… I need to get a truck, and someone to drive it, and people to help shift the desks and random junk and get all that out of there. Right now I have things ready to go in there as soon as it seems reasonable, which is not now, like an old futon for the loft once it has a floor and things like that.

I can’t wait for the space to paint and I can’t wait for my little napping spot. I had Another crappy night’s sleep last night. My sweet husband snores and I can’t win with the cats. If I let them in they don’t curl up and go to sleep they lick our noses and demand to be pet. If I shut them out they scrabble at the door intermittently through the night. Top those two items off with my body aches and acid reflux and, I hate to tell you this, I cannot remember my last truly good night’s sleep. I intend to escape the snoring and the cats when I need to. Sure, it will be pretty damn cold out there sometimes but I like the cold.

Even though it was his idea, my husband was getting a bit balky about the whole shed thing. Not the first time something like this has occurred. He gets instant buyer’s remorse from loads of decisions, the opposite of me, I am at peace once a decision has been made, my anxiety melts away. When we bought our house he was instantly overcome with doubt, did we pick the right one? What if_____???? (fill in with any house disaster imaginable, repeat until you run out of ideas.) I was filled with anxiety until we decided on this house and the sale actually went through. Once it was ours I was utterly at peace. To all his what ifs my, at least internal reaction, was: So what? Once it’s ours we just deal with whatever comes up, things are settled, decided, and IF we showed up and found the house on fire, say, and sinking into a swamp, my attitude would be, “Ok, first we put out the fire, then we shore up the side that’s sinking and call someone in here to make a hell of a retaining wall. We got this.” When he beats himself up thinking some poor parenting decisions might have contributed to our kid’s issues, I say; “These are the kids we have. This is where they are. It doesn’t really matter how they got here we just have to help them where they are. We got this.” I get where he’s coming from, it isn’t like I don’t have doubts too, or don’t beat myself up over the past, but I stomp on those doubts and try to deal with what’s in front of us. I don’t know, maybe I’m just better at being in denial over things and he’s just more honest with himself. It’s really quite striking how opposite we are in this area though.

Anyway, he was getting balky about my shed, as I started to say before the inevitable side-track, and near choked when I told him the estimate. ($15,000 for anyone tuning in for the first time.) But he had no reason for alarm, my budget is $1,500 and I’m not insane. He started saying ‘if only the older kids would move out…” but I stopped him. I said; “No, I’ve thought about this a lot, I’ve been thinking about this for Years. I don’t want my studio to be a room in our house, I want it to be separate, mine, only for me. I never considered a room in the house, I thought about renting space, getting a mobile home of some sort, or a shed.” And I think he heard me, and understood me, finally. Usually understanding between us is easy, it’s only lately we seem to be running into some small issues. I think it’s me, I think I’ve changed a bit, I’ve hit a point where if I don’t start taking my own needs seriously my life will be over and I won’t ever have put myself first in any meaningful way. I’m not some martyr, I’ve indulged myself in certain ways, buying books, getting certain items that make me feel spoiled rotten, but this is important and will truly help me be ME.

Meanwhile, my husband works a job that drives him crazy And goes to school for a degree to help lift all of us. I know, I do feel that it’s unbalanced, the hope is, in my mind, that he will finish up this degree in a matter of several months and then, with the time freed up, maybe he will write or do something else that feeds his soul. And I will guard his creative soul-feeding as fiercely as I have guarded his study time. Also, when I say that the shed/studio is mine, I mean that, I need to have control of it, but I do not intend to exclude him from using it. If he wants to study in the loft while I paint I would love that. I’m also making sure that I have the means out there to cook a bit and I fully intend to make meals just for the 2 of us, to light candles, put on music, and have it be a place of peace and respite from the world. A place where we can be alone for a while. Privacy has been ridiculously hard to come by in our house. With the kids all in their teens and 20s we literally never know when they will pop by our room with some request or news or nonsense. I know they could walk to the shed too but I think they might just be able to understand not to wander by with trivia and not want to make the slightly added effort.

Serenity Now

My kid’s school drives me buggy. He used to go to this tiny little school of about 12 kids, total. It was 2 rooms and was very supportive and amazing. I credit the teachers and the school atmosphere with helping our lad come out of his shell. I miss it so much. The new place is a small high school, maybe a couple hundred kids I think, and I kind of hate it.

The new school has its good points, it really does, I know being with more kids is helping my son find his confidence, he’s making more friends, he’s getting more involved in activities, he’s figuring some important stuff out, but the people running it drive me crazy. The teachers I’ve met with seem like fine teachers, I’ve no problem with any of them so far, it’s the administrators and the secretary.

So, the minor stuff, the annoying stuff, the school sends emails, TONS of emails, most of which have nothing to do with my kid, his grade, or anything I need to concern myself with at all. The school said when we signed him up “make sure you read our emails.” Yeah, no problem, how many could they send? More than one a day! Usually 2-3 a day, most of which are long with multiple sections, loads of repetition, and are poorly organized. I started out, the first few days, reading these emails as my eyes glazed over. Yes, I get it, there’s lots of sports going on. You couldn’t get my lad to participate in or even watch a sporting event so the endless notes about this or that team are Zzzzzzz. By the end of a week I was skimming looking for “10th grade” or “All School” by the end of the first month I was skipping emails with headings I didn’t think were likely to concern my son. When I got a second job I sometimes didn’t check my email for a few days.

Anyone reading this knows I have a lot on my plate, with 2 jobs I was going a little crazy, things were slipping. It’s a little on me that I was skipping emails but when only 1 in 5 or so has any relevance it’s a little hard to force myself to read them all. With all those emails you would think parents would get plenty of notice about important, upcoming events. Sadly no. This school, that prides itself on its communication, mistakes quantity for quality. While I might know months in advance that irrelevant sports are going to sports it up, if there is a multiple over-night trip happening the school will fail to mention it until a week or 2 before and then, when parents don’t respond to those emails IMMEDIATELY because, say, it’s summer and they are away on vacation, the school sends 17 emails, in increasingly haranguing tones, over the course of 4 or 5 days. Dude, I just checked my email for the first time this week, CALM DOWN. So, I end up rushing about getting things all set, paperwork, money I’m obligated to fork over for the trip, doctors notes so my kid can have his meds on the trip, etc. and when I say ‘sorry, I don’t check my email daily, I have a lot going on in my offline life’ the secretary, who writes and sends these endless, badly written emails says, “You really need to read all the emails. Your child’s school is important.”

That’s when I go to my happy place. https://youtu.be/92i5m3tV5XY while I think to myself: “yes, his schooling is important that’s why I must not open my mouth at this moment. Breathe Tempest, just breathe. That’s it…” and I smile and nod and get out of there before I start yelling. Seriously, with all the damn emails, would it be too much to ask that they create lists for each grade at least??? Each grade, All School, just a little sorting, and anything that’s important and time sensitive could be labeled “Important” or “Overnight Trip!” My kid has some overnight, team-building, trip the second day of school and they gave us so little notice that the physical I scheduled less than a week ago for my kid has to be rescheduled. For once, I actually saw the first email the day or day after it came because I’ve been checking more since I cut back to one job and I’ve been actually using my email for work stuff, so it wasn’t me at all this time.

Also minor, the school “language.” *sigh* I hate this because it’s like some fool took a psych course once and now they are creating a bond between everyone by renaming normal things so they sound idiotic. They don’t have homerooms, they don’t have clubs, or teams or anything, they have things like squads, tributaries, branches, and so on. Last years advisor asked my kid and I in a meeting what “Stream” he wanted to be in for the spring. I can’t keep all their terms straight and I thought “fucked if I know!” and looked at the lad and said “It’s up to you, what do you want to do?” He asked her what his options were and she was shocked he didn’t know he told her he couldn’t keep the terms straight because most of them have to do with flowing water and don’t really have anything to do with the words they’re replacing. I think my face was blank, I think I managed that, but I was so proud of him in that moment. Why hadn’t I said that??? It’s true!

More seriously, the administrators have got issues, I’m not entirely sure they should be running a school. They seem confused by basic concepts and are probably the reason we get tons of useless emails a day yet fail to be informed about upcoming trips and such. The principal looks like an old, ex-hippie, which is cool, I don’t think he was though because he has no idea what protest actually involves. After another school shooting last year, not at this school but somewhere in the US, protests were being planned by kids across the country to try to get us adults off our asses and get up and demand that the government at least make it more difficult for people to slaughter them while they attend classes. Loads of kids from this school decided they wanted to be part of that, obviously, not getting killed is JOB ONE for a living organism, so they started organizing a walk out to the nearby town where they would then stand for an hour or two on the town common with signs like “My parents shouldn’t have to use my college fund to BURY ME.” and “I just want to go to school not Die.” When the principal heard about this he sent out an email the gist of which was ‘Your kids want to protest gun violence and our school totally supports that, but we can’t have school disrupted by it so we’re offering to let them protest in the school parking lot for 15 minutes tomorrow morning instead of doing the walk out they’ve planned. Students participating in the parking lot protest will receive a 1 day, in school suspension and students who walk out will receive a 2 day off-campus suspension.” ??? WTF? First, none of that is “totally supports”, second protest needs to disrupt or it is nothing but sign waving, Getting shot and maybe dying is very disruptive to one’s education so I think a few hours protest is damned bargain. And third, what the hell? Punishing the kids who take part in the alternative protest YOU SUGGEST, really??? And what kid in their right mind is going to choose in school suspension over off campus. Get it together.

School starts in a week and a half and I’m already kind of ticked off. Back to my meditation!