Tag: manipulation

RANT

I seriously just can’t talk to my mother anymore. For every decent conversation we have, we have 5 or more than she sabotages so she can tell her friends what a horrible person I am.

It sucks having been raised by a narcissist. A mother might be worse than a father but I only had a NM so I wouldn’t know. (NM = Narcissist Mother) She basically spent my childhood installing all these buttons she can now push to make me look like the crazy one. It’s horrifying. She loves it when she can get me angry so she can smile her saccharine smile and ask; why are you so full of hate?

She is the opposite of me politically. It is just a fact that we cannot and should not talk politics because there is nothing to agree on. The nicest, mildest thing I could possibly reply to her with would be the dreaded ok boomer. Which I don’t do no matter how tempting it is. I think it, a LOT. Not that all boomers are like her, I know very well they are not, but if the generation gap fits… it amuses me, and I need to laugh. Ok, so naturally when I called her today she starts asking me if I got my stimulus check (is that really what we’re calling it?) and I said I had no idea. Just trying to side-step whatever bullshit she was trying to shovel my way, just trying to avoid having another shitty conversation that goes careening wildly off the rails, but no. She wants to shovel whatever it is my way so she’s going to keep at it. “It would be in your bank account.” I told her I never look at my bank account. She acts shocked, like how could someone never look at their bank account, I just don’t, my husband looks at it, I know like the total so I can pay bills and stuff and he watches the incoming and outgoing amounts to make sure no one’s stealing from us or to make sure checks are getting cashed by people we’ve paid or whatever.

Anyway, she can’t get by me that way so she starts on term limits or something. I honestly haven’t given that issue a whole lot of thought, and I said so, I said I feel like some senators that have been there for ages are corrupt and need to be booted and some are good, hard working people who are clearly doing the best job they possibly can representing the people of their state. Like Bernie Sanders, who she had previously said she would vote for. (shocking me completely because: Opposite virtually 100%) So I thought it was safe to invoke his name, the only safe name there is… was. She pounced on it. Instantly. “I don’t even know where I saw it but I saw a picture of ONE of Bernie Sanders’ houses and it is like a Palace!” I quietly hung up the phone. I didn’t say a single word because I didn’t have a fit word to say. She tried to call twice and I hit decline. No way in hell was I getting either; 1) drawn into some kind of discussion about this unverified story, or, 2) listening to her “apologize” and ask me why am I so angry “all the time” or so full of hate. No, I am literally following the instructions of mothers uncounted by not saying anything since I cannot be trusted, in my frustration with her manipulation, to say anything nice.

After a bit I sent her a couple of texts, explaining why I hung up, because I didn’t have anything nice to say, and suggesting that if she has information on something controversial from an unverified source she might not want to talk about it because what good is that? I then sent a text after looking, took 2 minutes, and discovering that there is a picture being posted on the internet of a a huge mansion in Vermont that is yes, palatial, but has nothing whatsoever to do with Senator Bernie Sanders. The story she’s spreading is a 100% baseless rumor. Is the Senator more well off than me? Yep. Of course he’s a lot older than I am and he’s worked his ass off his whole life so I am honestly glad that he has managed to pull together a net worth of some weight. He has 3 houses, the one he lives in most of the time in VT which is a 4 bedroom colonial, a 1 bedroom in DC for obvious reasons, and a lake house purchased only a handful of years ago in VT. Yeah, I don’t think I will ever get to that point, but it isn’t some insane lifestyle or anything. My grandparents at one time owned houses in 2 states. No one would ever accuse them of being corrupt or living some opulent lifestyle.

Yeah, so, she did rile me up, obviously. She has a LOT of practice at it, a lot, a lot, a lot. I should have known we couldn’t have 2 “nice” conversations in a row. I should have known she’s do this and I should just not have called. If she calls me she’s content just to guilt me about not calling her, if I call she gets to pull out something special from her toolbox of manipulation. I know this and yet I slip back into denial time after time. *HEADDESK* So, this will probably have some ripples going out from it. So close to Mother’s Day, and now we won’t talk for at least a few days because that would be unwise. She’ll get to complain to my sisters about how mean I am, what could she possibly have done to deserve being hung up on? I will be painted the bad, ungrateful, mean and horrid daughter no mother deserves. Yep, that’s me. It is so convenient too, so nice for me, that her Mother’s Day present is delayed and won’t arrive until the day after. Perfect.

Anyone who’s read this far? Bless you. Thank you for bearing witness to my angst and frustration. Thank you for listening.

Drama Mama as if I needed more…

So, anyone who’s read a few of my posts will know that I have a lot on my plate. I’ve got 3 grown and nearly grown kids, 2 on the autism spectrum, all 3 dealing with mental health issues like depression and/or anxiety. All of them live at home because of the many issues and the fact that wages are low and rent/cost of living is HIGH. That puts financial strain on us and, honestly, a strain on what has been an amazing marriage. That’s enough, right?

No, it isn’t, not for me. I’m an over-achiever in the loaded plate department. While I spend my days encouraging my kids to keep going, keep trying, keep studying, etc, encouraging my husband to keep studying and, as an alternative to some kind of spree, keep working or look for a new job that might not drive him so crazy, (good days are good at his job but bad days are insane) while I drive the non-drivers to appointments, school, to see friends etc, and I go to work, keep up with the house and put meals on the table, there’s a whole other level of stuff I have to deal with.

As if all that I’ve mentioned weren’t enough, I also have a drama-mama to deal with. I’m exhausted every time I deal with her, she demands more emotional work than anyone I’ve ever met, my therapist recommends I cut ties with her completely for my own mental health. She’s not a normal mom who wants the best for her children. There’s something broken inside her. Loads of people have told me, “She’s your mom, you only get one.” “She wants what’s best for you even if she’s made mistakes.” That might be true about most moms, that they try their best and want their kids to succeed and be happy, but there are mothers out there who honestly never should have had kids. Mine is one of them. I’m going to try to not dredge up the past today and just give you the latest example.

I live a 10 minute drive from my mother, my sisters wisely live 1,000 and 13,000 miles away. The other night I got a call from the sister who lives 1,000 miles away. She was calling to ask me if I knew our mother was dying and to ask if it was true that I, and my other sister, are not speaking to her. … … … Of course I knew what this was about. I won’t get into the long history, but I can’t trust my mother and we had a couple of recent incidents. She had a heart valve replaced a while back and was behaving almost like a normal mom for a couple of years, I let my guard down, went to he for a little emotional support. ROOKIE MISTAKE. The first incident I was really upset but I thought, hey, this is on me, I forgot who I was dealing with. So I let it go and kept spending time with her and all that. The second incident was a total set-up. We were having a conversation and she started pushing my buttons, you know, the one’s she installed while she was raising me? Well, she got what she wanted, I eventually raised my voice and gave her the chance to say; “Why are you so full of hate?” I happened to catch the very slight smile she had when she said it, her tiny celebration of her victory over me, well done.

So I gave myself some space from her. This time I was pissed at myself again but also at her. I wasn’t going to walk right by and forget it this time. I’m 52, she’s 73, I’m tired of this garbage. So, it’s been a few months or whatever and she’s noticed there are boundaries in place. (she hates boundaries) So she’s been worse than usual when we do speak, manipulative, trying to get me to say certain things, prying at me for information I am just no longer going to share. The other night she asked if I was ever going to bring my family over for swimming and BBQ ever again. So dramatic. I was supposed to reassure her and say all the things she wants to hear but I’m just done playing her stupid games. I asked; “Do you really want to have this conversation?” She said yes. So I told her that I can’t trust her, that she betrays my confidences, that she manipulates me, etc etc. All said along with things like “I’m not saying this is all deliberate,” “This is how I feel,” and when we got off the phone I said. “I’m sorry, mom, I know that is hard to hear. I love you.”

I know my 13,000 mile away sister recently told my mom not to visit in the fall because she is working and in school and it’s all just too much to have her come stay for weeks at a time. SO, our mother calls our other sister and tells her that supposedly her heart valve is failing and that she will not replace it so she’s dying, and me and little sister aren’t speaking to her. She is 100% lying about us not speaking to her and it wouldn’t be the first time she’s lied about a medical condition to create drama/manipulate one or more of us, so I don’t know what to make of it all. I actually tried to call her just to see how she’s doing and she didn’t call me back so, who’s not speaking to who? Sure, she’s welcome to not return calls, I respect that, but to do so while claiming I’m the one not talking to her? I’m just glad my sister saw right through her. We’ve all been dealing with this, and far worse, our whole lives.

Just for the record, our mother is married and has loads of people in her life, she is able to maintain friendships somehow. Probably because she takes her craziness out on her children, I’m just guessing.