Living Gen-X

Being part of Gen-X is kind of a weird experience, even after all these decades, we are still mostly ignored. I remember when whomever decided to call the generation after the Boomers Gen-X they literally “forgot” a whole chunk of us. The Boomer generation ended in 1964 but when they dubbed my generation Gen-X they had a starting year of I think 1970… skipping those born 1965-1969 like we didn’t even fucking exist. They literally forgot several years of their own children. I remember looking at the article and feeling pretty much like Molly Ringwald’s character in Sixteen Candles. Our own parents forgot our collective birthdays. There was a moment of shock but even back then we were already largely used to it. We rolled our eyes and shook our heads and went to our next class.

Yes, we are a small generation, sandwiched between the Boomers and the Millennials who dwarf our numbers. So we get overlooked like a halfling between a couple of Hill Giants. Gen-X kids were frequently left to our own devices. A lot of our parents worked so lots of us were latchkey kids. Those of us in the “gap years” were mostly the eldest kids in our families and we were often conscripted to watch our younger siblings after school or when our parents went out. Our parents got divorced kind of a lot too. Each of my parents is twice divorced which is fine, whatever, but it made for an eventful, dramatic childhood. Between marriages our mothers, who we mostly lived with, dated and leaped into new hobbies to match whoever they were dating. (or marrying) We got whiplash watching our moms develop sudden interest in old cars, outdoor concerts, wine, motorcycles, dance clubs, sports, etc etc, only to drop them and pick up something else for the next guy.

Even while they were busy doing that they found time to criticize our friends, our clothes, and any other on the surface thing they might notice. It was truly weird being alternately ignored and picked on. Gen-X also got in trouble for playing RPGs. “Oh my god! Dungeons & Dragons is dangerous! It has demons and stuff and we don’t understand it so we must END IT!” Yep, one day we’re playing D&D peacefully ignored and the next there are news articles and segments about “the dangers” of D&D. Are your children worshipping Satan under your very nose? They made like after school specials and movies about it. It was both hilarious for all they got so very wrong and freaking annoying for how many kids parents forbid them from playing. All of a sudden our parents cared what we did with our time. They also freaked out about drugs, alcohol and sex. Really, the generation that went to Woodstock, the Free Love generation, yep, them.

Boomers were a massive generation and when they realized their kids were in striking distance of hitting age 18 they campaigned mightily to raise the drinking age to 21. Hypocrites. Every time they noticed us, it seemed it was only so they could take something away. They went right back to ignoring us afterward, don’t worry. I feel like we mostly raised ourselves, Gen-X, maybe raised each other. Not that some Boomer parents weren’t better than most. Some of them had their shit together but I didn’t know more than a few.

Years later, we’re all grown up, we had kids of our own and we are still largely ignored by the world. The Boomers are all still clinging to power so most of us still feel we don’t have a voice, lots of us are still struggling to find our way to financial stability, struggling with debt etc. Then we see things like this: https://www.cleveland.com/entertainment/2020/03/forgotten-generation-x-slackers-no-more-showing-boomers-and-millennials-how-to-deal-when-reality-bites.html The news literally writes us out of existence. This was mostly just normal. I was always hearing how Boomers had Millennial children, which is freaking weird because I have 2 Millennial kids, but yeah, some of the Boomers, with all their remarriages and of course some of the youngest Boomers too, did have Millennial kids. Most Millennials are the children of Gen-Xers but the world as a whole writes us out of the picture because we’re just a small, often forgotten bunch of slackers.

Even now that we’re middle aged we still haven’t “arrived,” haven’t found as much financial stability and success as we’d been expecting. The Boomers seem to be mostly still working, holding onto some of the better jobs, higher positions, positions of power. Loads of them should be retired, should have retired a decade ago, but they won’t or can’t because of all the fun decisions they made in the 70s and 80s or whatever. I don’t think we’re going to see a world steered by my generation, by Gen-X. The Millennials are an even bigger generation than the Boomers and somehow the Boomers screwed things up even worse for them than they did us. The Millennials have just had the worst, worst time of it. Gen-X sympathizes, we know a lot of the kid of crap they are going through. I think the Millennials will be the next generation in charge of the world and that Gen-X, in true Gen-X fashion, should stand to the side, do a bunch of the behind-the-scenes work and support, and let the millennials get on with hopefully fixing things. We see you, Millennials, we’re here to help you put things back together again. If you run out of amazing ideas for reversing climate change and ending all the terrible isms, look to your little siblings, Gen-Z is another one full of clever and creative thinkers. Both of you, let us “Olds” know what you need from us.

Work in a Library @ the End of the World.

Life feels weirdly paused right now. Not that things aren’t happening, lots of things are happening, I just feel like I’m holding my breath, waiting to be able to relax and breathe. My son has started his senior year of HS, and my husband is putting in 90-100 hours per week at his job, mostly from home, and I still go to work 2-3 times per week but the library is still closed. Patrons are getting really cranky about not being allowed in to browse, and I get it, I love browsing too. But we are doing many hours of curbside pick up and we’re even delivering items to patrons as well as putting out story walks and giving out take-home crafts. It’s the best we can do for now until the Board of Health and the Trustees decide to open the doors. Oh, we are also setting appointments for patrons to use the computers.

Right now we are working on setting up a time for some limited outdoor browsing of new items in our collection. We’re hoping to do it once a week so patrons can have at least some opportunity to browse. I’m also trying to get a grant to put together a take-home painting kit for some time next year. I want to provide canvases, paints, brushes, and a relevant book for beginners. It is way beyond the kind of kits I’ve been sending out so far. We put together kits mostly from art supplies we had lying around and added LED tea lights, glass jars, or skewers. We did have the stained glass kits which were expensive but those were bought with a grant that was supposed to cover a stained glass workshop event so I guess the painting kits would be comparable.

We’re ordering books again! It’s awesome. I hated only being allowed to order virtual books. I mean, they’re better than not having books at all but it is nice to be able to have new books for the shelves again. I was trying to diversify the collection before the pandemic and now it’s much easier. I feel like more books by writers of Color are being published and are getting promoted more, they are easy to find right now so it’s a big help. There are some excellent YA novels coming out, too many, I can’t keep up!

I’m in a weird headspace. I’m going to stop writing now. I hope you are all well safe.

A Few Sherlockian Recommendations

I read a lot. Shocking, I know, that a librarian should be a big reader, fulfills a stereotype at least. I read all sorts of books, fiction and nonfiction, but I have my favorites. I read a lot of fantasy, especially what is generally called ‘dark fantasy,’ of course as a YA librarian I tend to read a lot of young adult fiction too, a lot of dystopian fiction, lately I find myself reading a fair few mysteries, and I have always been fond of Sherlock Holmes stories. There are so many authors now trying their hand at writing the great detective that I cannot keep up. I really love what James Lovegrove has done with his Sherlock stories, especially the ones involving Cthulhu. I love the mythos originating with H.P. Lovecraft and fostered by his literary descendants. Seeing the mythos combined with the world of Sherlock Holmes is a treat.

The Lady Sherlock stories are surprisingly good too. I didn’t think they would be, thought the concept would be gimmicky, but they are very well done. The young Charlotte Holmes needs to forge her own path in life but she’s a privileged young lady in Victorian England and is thwarted at every turn. So she, with the help of a few accomplices, comes up with a way to use her bright and questing mind to make something of a living for herself. Of course it’s more complicated than that, with relatable and interesting characters, and plenty of plot twists to keep the reader guessing. I’ve read the first 3 books so far and I just ordered the 4th from another library. This series is worth reading for any fan of Sherlock Holmes. Interesting take well executed.

Oh, and another favorite, and recent, adaptation! There are 3 books by Kareem Abdul Jabbar starting with Mycroft Holmes; that are delightful. Co-written by Anna Waterhouse this trilogy is irresistable. Full of excellent and appealing characters, well plotted, perhaps not quite globe spanning but with some interesting travels and travails, these books deserve to be widely read. It seems a bit funny, I had always thought of Mr. Jabbar as simply a sports figure. I hadn’t realised he had other hidden talents. Hidden to me, I guess, I don’t pay too much attention sometimes.

Of Questions & Quandaries

It’s a lovely, rainy morning here by Cold Swamp. I’ve got a sour cream chocolate chip coffee cake in the oven baking for breakfast. Our new tenant is pretty much all moved in to the apartment downstairs. She must be glad she decided to move in yesterday when it was sunny and warm rather than today. Moving in the rain is just awful. We’re working on getting all the offspring to walk quietly and not use the kitchen at all hours now that someone will be attempting to sleep underneath our living areas.

Thank Thor it’s raining. It’s been a dry summer. You know it’s bad when mint is struggling. I don’t even want to harvest any right now, it hasn’t been able to flourish and spread this year. I do hope I will soon be able to harvest a bunch to dry for winter. Gods, I wish I’d gotten a garden in this year. And I wish I had any confidence a garden I planted would grow significant food. You would not believe how unsuccessful I have been at growing things, you really would not. This year looks to be mostly the same as any other aside from the berries and mint. I think my bean plants are likely to produce several beans with a little luck. I am just terrible at it. I need some sort of tutoring and a foolproof system/set-up. Maybe then I could start with a few plants like winter squash, green beans, zucchini, & cucumbers, then add a new plant or two to the garden each year. Ooo, kale, I definitely want to grow kale and onions and scallions. It’s probably undoable. I’m really awful at it.

What I’m going to submit for a cultural council grant this year I do not know. I don’t even know if there will be any grants this year. I asked my boss about that in an email but she hasn’t answered yet. I have some ideas, kind of, but they are all dependent on in-person programming being a thing we can do next summer. Obviously there is no guarantee that will be the case. My poor girls can’t even get jobs now, they have no online skills and not much in the way of job history, I despair about what to do for them, how to advise them. We encourage them to skill-up, take online classes and such, but I don’t know how much effort they are putting into it. Everything is just on hold, stuck, stifled.

At my husband’s work, his assistant quit yesterday, and is already gone. Hubby is a department of 1 again. The workload was crushing for 2 people and now it is just BRUTAL and there’s only so much he can do remotely. The assistant was on campus doing all the little fixes that had to be done in person and he just bailed. I can’t blame him for not wanting to be on campus but he really should have spoken up sooner, at least to my husband, so some kind of back up arrangement could have been made. What a cluster.

Senior year is looking doable for our lad. He will have to take another year of Spanish we just found out, he’ll have all the usual classes and also some nature and craft classes and such. I wish he could go in person, I wish it was a safe option. The boy needs to see some people near his own age, needs to make friends and socialize. My poor lad. My girls aren’t doing much better though they are both in online games with various friends and strangers.

My uncle’s funeral will be happening in a few days. It will be held outside so that’s something. My mother wants me to go, of course, but that is so fraught. I’m scheduled to work that day and I don’t want to drive out there, can’t be in a car with my mother and don’t think my husband would want to drive either. Ho do you go to a funeral and not hug people? But maybe I should go? I don’t know. I want to tell my aunt and cousins …. whatever you’re supposed to tell people at a time like this. I don’t know what to do but I need to decide now, yesterday, so I can get my shift covered and figure out how the heck to get out there.

Eventually things have to return to something like normal, don’t they? The virus will… be cured? Or we’ll get a vaccine or something, right? I’ll be able to go to the store for milk or to buy some clothes for my family, stop by a bookstore or a coffee shop. The people will come back to the library to browse and use the computers, I’ll be able to plan in-person programs again, right? My kids will be able to attend classes and get jobs someday, right?

3 Ring Circus

Though it often feels to me as if we lead boring lives in which very little happens the reality is a little different. Here is our year so far:

January: Happy New Year! First few days I see at least a dozen memes on FB about how right around every year “20” there is a terrible plague. heh, cute. Coincidentally, we start hearing that there’s something going on with a virus in China. Within a short time we’re still hearing everything is under control with the virus, but we’re seeing images of people in hazmat suits disinfecting the streets and the first city or province gets shut down. I begin stocking the house up a little more than usual; extra pasta, meat for the freezer, beans, rice, etc. (I always keep a good supply of food etc on hand in case of emergencies. I just increase our stores a little, fill in gaps.) Our tenant lets us know she is moving out and can’t pay February’s rent, we remind her she already paid when she moved in so, no worries. She tells us she is pregnant and moving in with her boyfriend.

February: I continue buying extra and stocking up, the news out of China isn’t good, the virus has spread to other countries, it is inevitable it will come here. I begin to get nervous about our son’s upcoming wisdom tooth extraction. It’s supposed to happen in March, he’s in pain, he needs it, but we’re starting to get a little nervous about going out in public, we’re wondering if we actually are going to have to isolate ourselves at home to stay safe. As the numbers everywhere start racking up, we wonder When do we pull the trigger? how do we decide it’s time to stay home? I get sick, it seems to be the flu, Tamiflu puts me right. We wonder how we will deal with the loss of rental income as we have no intention of looking for a new tenant as this virus continues to spread.

March: The boy has his wisdom teeth out, all goes well, yay. My husband gets ill, really ill, the doctor won’t see him. They prescribe over the phone, he takes breathing treatments 3 times a day, he takes pills. I worry. The doctors say they are assuming he is Covid-19 positive. My boss tells me not to come in. Our daughter works at a pharmacy and they aren’t taking precautions, she quits. Schools close. We are all home now. We don’t go out. We clean, we cook, we play video games and catch up on our reading. I worry about my husband, he’s exhausted. I begin working from home as best I can. My husband’s work won’t wait, they text and call, he begins working remotely through coughing fits. It’s unreal. He’s starting to feel better! His work hours keep expanding. We’re lucky, we both still have jobs, many don’t.

April: We mail our tax stuff in. We keep working. There’s hardly any traffic going by. I cook, a LOT, I start baking again. My husband is doing better, still coughing, but better. We start gaming more, lots of RPGs are started or picked back up where we’d left off. Isolation isn’t so bad. We meet online with friends to play Cards Against Humanity. We get groceries delivered! Huzzah! We’re using the empty apartment as a work space/art space/extra video game space. I turn the shed into an art studio/space to get away from the kids with my hubby.

May: Everything is still weird. We’re working from home, gaming online, getting groceries delivered, etc. This is the month we start to hear that people at only a small remove from us have gotten Covid-19, friends of friends… it’s scary. My husband’s aunt gets it, some of our friends get it. We stay home. We try not be paranoid about it, but we are not going to get this damn thing. The list of symptoms keeps growing, the ages and health condition of people getting this and suffering horribly from it keeps expanding.

June: We celebrate our son’s 18th birthday at home with cake and few presents we’ve gotten him online. It’s low key. We play an RPG, eat pizza and drink root beer. We finally begin to feel the sting of not seeing our friends and family in person. We keep working remotely. Our lives have something of a rhythm now, the kids are learning remotely. Our daughter gets her associate’s degree, our son passes all his 11th grade classes. My boss starts talking about the library reopening. Eventually I hear we will be back in the building in July. I am not happy about this, I don’t feel ready, I worry we will reopen to the public too fast.

July: I go back to work. It’s surreal working in an empty library. We do curbside pick up and delivery now. I devise and assemble take home crafts. Our budget is slashed way down but we all still have our jobs. I buy a few books for the collection. We struggle to keep up with cleaning all the books and other materials after their 3 day quarantine in the Community Room. Everything is confusing and different. Everyone is overwhelmed. We start feeling pressure from some people to loosen up our restrictions, to visit, to have lunch outside and “socially distanced.” My husband gets pressure from his job: What would make him feel safe so he can return to campus? Nothing, he tells them, honestly nothing. It’s an international boarding school and we’ve been hearing how many more enquiries they are getting from Texas, California, and Florida… You don’t say? How shocking that the uber-wealthy living in states where the virus is completely out of control want to send their kids to the relative safety of our neck of the woods! We promise we are 100% shocked by this. My uncle is diagnosed with cancer…

August: My husband continues to work from home, he digs in his heels, he is high risk. We get a note from his Dr. stating he is high risk for this virus and must be allowed to work remotely. The school continues to pressure him, suggests more isolated offices but when he starts to say that one in particular might actually work they say; ‘oh, you can’t have that one. A person that won’t even be teaching needs to use that room to write their book… ” because the huge free house they have all to themselves … doesn’t have room? As happens from time to time, my husband is contacted by a headhunter. Would he like to work in the field he just got a degree for? My husband starts seriously contemplating leaving this job. My uncle is rushed to the hospital and dies 2 days later on his daughter’s birthday. My husband is interviewed for a very cool job. He gets a second interview. We contemplate what life would be like if he actually liked/loved his job. We get the apartment ready so a friend can move in. We talk about having less money with the new job. We talk about how much notice he ought to give if he is offered this new job. I see a glimpse of a less stressed-out version of my husband.

September: Today, the first of the month, my husband’s assistant quits. He does not want to go onto campus either. He will work the next 2 weeks if he can do so remotely. Unfortunately, he was supposed to be the boots on the ground so that doesn’t help at all. How does one hire someone during a pandemic? How does one train someone remotely? We’re not sure. We are about to find out. We hope very much to receive an offer from the company my husband has been interviewed by because what is going to happen to the school is going to be an absolute shit-show. OMG. FUBAR. Our friend/new tenant is moving in today! The apartment is clean and shiny, the weather is good, I can’t wait. I know we can’t hang out like we want to but she’ll be here and we can sit outside and talk maybe? ^_^ Our son starts his senior year next week. My library may open at the end of the month and I have mixed feelings about that. I’m still worried about the virus numbers spiking a few weeks after school resumes.

And that’s pretty much our year so far. (Banner credit: “circus” by fsse8info is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0)

a very nothing update…

The summer vacation that wasn’t is all but over now. Our Bug starts his senior year of highschool, virtual only, next week. He’s/We’ve been stuck home virtually 100% since early March so days have no meaning for him, time has very little meaning as well. It will be a weird adjustment for him to make having to wake up and login to his classes every weekday. I think he’s looking forward to having a schedule again though. This has all be so disastrously weird. We’ve all been stuck in a kind of limbo and it doesn’t seem like it will be ending anytime soon.

Once in a while something goes right and the amazing cleaner, Therese, made time for us today so the apartment is pretty much clean and shiny for our new tenant moving in tomorrow. I’m airing it out now too, it’s been closed up for months. I replaced the worst ceiling tile but it was a terrible pain. I will definitely pay someone who knows how to do that next time. Hopefully our new tenant will love living there and the pandemic will end and then we can all hang out together. She’s a similar kind of weirdo to us and we all game together online. Someday we will all BBQ together and stuff.

Work is still very odd. No one is allowed into the library except for specific little time slots to use computers. We still do curbside pick up and take home crafts but there’s no browsing for books and no in person programming. I’m trying to come up with take home crafts and activities for fall with no budget so that’s interesting. I need to figure out things for the teens and tweens to make from the supplies we already have. It’s kind of awkward. Putting together the bags is fun and everyone appreciated them so much. It’s so weird not having people in the library… but it will also be 100% weird when they start coming back in. Strange days we’re living in.

Experimental Granola Bars

Diet changes are always tough. Giving up things I love to eat or nearly giving them up is not on my list of favorite things. Cutting way bock on salt and sugar is a real kick in the teeth. I crave loads of sweet things so I tried making my own granola bars… spoiler alert: the recipes I found all had sugar in them… so I’ll need to work on finding some without added sugar. I like an oat base, which is typical of granola bars, so yay! But with my allergies I need to avoid a lot of nuts, some dried fruits etc. So things I can use:

honey or maple syrup
peanuts
sunflower seeds
dried cranberries
dried apricots
coconut
dried blueberries
peanut butter
dried cherries

A lot of recipes call for chocolate or white chocolate, some have pretzels or other odd additions I want to steer clear of. My first attempt does have some mini chocolate chips included because I am making these in a weird time where we have no credit cards because we had to cancel them because someone stole the numbers and wired themselves a bunch of money. So we have what we have until we get new ones. Sadly we are probably going to have to wait a while because that jackass who took over the postal system is so busy destroying it. Ah well, we’ve got food.

Ch Ch Ch Changes…..

My Doctor says I have a fatty liver and we’ll need to do an ultrasound after the pandemic is more under control. I don’t think this explains my joint pain but I know all the tests ruled out a whole bunch of things so there’s that. So, this diagnosis means lifestyle changes like diet and exercise. I’m to lose between 15-20 LBs. and eat whole grains, fruits, veg, all the stuff they always tell you to eat, and I need to limit dairy, meats, fats, salt, sugar and alcohol… all the stuff they always tell you to limit. No real surprises. Funny how the same diet is good for so many things isn’t it? Not really, I feel foolish because I had a fairly excellent diet years ago and my burgeoning food allergies caused me to more or less give up. It seems I should have stuck with it even though it was getting harder to maintain. Oh well, this is where I am, this is what I have, so I’ll go from here.

Under this new lifestyle I also need to drink more water which, happily, I enjoy. I had fruit and tea and iced mint tea for breakfast this morning so off to a good start there. We’ll see how I do the rest of the day. Olive oil is supposed to be good in moderation and I can have avocados which I like. I’m allergic to almost all nuts and I hate olives so those are out. A Mediterranean diet is recommended but I’m allergic to tomatoes, lemons, nuts… and a host of other things that make healthy eating difficult. Obviously I’ll have to work on this, figure things out, limiting dairy and fried foods is going to suck.

Maybe I need to make a list of foods I especially like that are “allowed” in my new diet so I can focus on that instead of all the things I’m losing and need to curtail. Good foods I love:

Avocados
Mushrooms
Raspberries
Homemade granola
Sunflower seeds
Kale
Chickpeas
Potatoes
Limes
Sesame seeds
Summer squash pasta sauce
Onions
Garlic
Kidney Beans
Blueberries
Mint tea
Rice
Okra
Butternut squash
Apples
Pears
Nectarines
Red peppers
Beets
Broccoli
Zucchini
Scallions
Garlic scapes
Asparagus

So, pleny there to work with, and I am allowed some dairy, though I imagine my holiday indulgences will be way off book. I’m glad fast food is a no-no. I can be really bad about that at times. My weird indulgence in fast food seems sort of cyclical, I’ve gone through phases with it, I either have it frequently or not at all, so not at all it is. Not frying food at home will be weird, I’m pretty sure Sauteeing is frying and I do a lot of that especially my beloved onions & garlic. I suppose I’ll get it sorted out. I need some new recipes for certain and that’s going to be a bit tricky. Mediterranean cookbooks are out as they lean heavily towards many of my allergies. I think adapting to this new diet might be helped by growing some of the foods I can have and enjoy. I guess it’s time to invest in some raised beds and to learn how to vanquish my black thumb.

Pain and Confusion…

Hurting today, my head, my joints, it’s not a great day if I’m talking about pain. We’re supposed to game tonight but I’m not sure I’m up to it. I wouldn’t even have to be out of bed to play so that’s saying something. I took a brief walk this morning. I’ve made breakfast and lunch for Bill and I, done a few dishes, and am trying to come up with a dinner plan but that is the extent of my efforts today.

Oh, wait, I’ve also been emailing back and forth with one of my teen’s mom about matching books that interest her son with audiobooks so he can listen while he reads. It’s really tricky because audio books are expensive so libraries tend to focus on physical books. I’m working on it though, even requested my Director purchase a copy of an audio book to match one of the YA paperbacks the teen is interested in. We’ll see if she feels it’s a good investment. The book is not a new title, not terribly old either, but we’d have the only Ebook in the system so it would likely see some use.

What stage of the apocalypse is it when we’re all stuck in a weird limbo of the world returning almost to normal even as the virus spreads. My grown offspring can’t job hunt, can’t see friends, aren’t sure what their best moves are and neither are we? Even weirder, what stage is it when I love my job but I kind of want to quit it so I won’t be exposed, but we’re taking all the precautions we can at work and I really love the job, and my boss is Awesome, but I cannot, cannot bring this virus home? And what insanity is it that my mother can beg to spend time with me, insisting she has been “Super Careful” and socially distant etc etc… but I looked at her FB and there are pictures from her recent travels of her on the beach with a whole group of people None of whom are masked?????

Later, some time in the dim and distant future I may understand WTH she is thinking, but I doubt it. Almost everyone that I know personally who is acting foolishly about this pandemic is a Boomer. I know some Boomers are actually being careful but in all seriousness, I totally get why Gen-Z is calling this virus the “Boomer-Doomer.” In my household, that has been locked down as hard as it can be since early March, Gen-X, Millennials, and Gen-Z are determined to ride out the insanity and live to see a post Covid-19 world. Our Boomer relatives are travelling, spending time with friends, giving people rides, shopping, etc. I do not get it. They are at higher risk…

At a Loss

My Uncle died yesterday morning, on his daughter’s birthday as if dying with so little warning wasn’t traumatic enough, my poor cousin. I’m heartbroken for her, her children, my other cousin, my other uncles, my mother and my aunt. He’s the first to go of his generation in my family. I am having feelings but I couldn’t describe them accurately if I tried. The whole thing is surreal. I didn’t see him often, maybe a few times a year in a good year, so it won’t change very much in my day-to-day world but it leaves a lot of things unsaid, unresolved.

There was a big upset when I was still little, at my grandmother’s birthday gathering, at our house. My uncle got very upset over something, supposedly he was jealous that my mother’s inexpensive present to Gramma got a bigger reaction than his expensive present, so this uncle grabbed one of my other uncles and took off. When they came back they had alcohol with them, beer I believe, and that wasn’t allowed at family gatherings for some reason, so my grandfather raised his voice at these 2 uncles and the uncle who just died grabbed his wife and kids and stormed off in a huff. He prevented all contact with the whole family for several years. I couldn’t see or talk to my cousin and I didn’t understand what the hell was going on. When he decided to have contact with the family again there was no explanation, no discussion, let’s just pretend all that never happened. That has never been good enough, it’s bullshit. I mean I know my grandfather raised his voice over the beer thing, and I’m sure that humiliation is why this uncle took off that day, but was all this idiocy started because my mother’s gift was more thoughtful and more well-received? That seems flimsy to me. Plus, my mother is the person who told it to me so it is immediately suspect. She lies like it’s breathing, like the lies she tells keep her alive, and she doesn’t admit anything that makes her look bad so there could be a lot of things she might want to hide. I don’t know though, and now I think I might never know.

So I’ll remember him best for that, for taking my cousin away and not allowing us to see each other or talk to each other for years. I’ll remember him too for being one of 2 uncles who utterly ruined the piddly-ass, bullshit gathering we had to spread Gramma & Grampa’s ashes, several months after they were killed. I will remember him for not allowing a single moment of silence, of reflection, not one single moment for so much as one meaningful word before he and my other uncle unceremoniously dumped my grandparent’s ashes into the river, not even allowing all of us to arrive on the bank. “They didn’t want any funeral!” He and the other uncle snarled when everyone expressed shock and dismay over their actions. I am still furious every time I think of it. I waited months, there was no funeral, no memorial, just as my grandparents wanted. I wasn’t the only one who expected a moment of silence and perhaps a little sharing of memories, nothing formal, nothing to violate their wishes. My memories of him are not fond ones. The brother who always leapt to be his partner in crime also remains not one of my favorite people. The both of them have always seemed to me to be harshly rules-oriented people without the kindness that can make such people decent and good. There seemed to be no mercy in their strict attitudes. Other people have had different experiences of my late uncle, and of the one still here who always helped him. I’m glad.

I guess, not having known him well enough to have anything much beyond these stark experiences, I guess I won’t really mourn him. He wasn’t much a part of my life and most of what I remember of him isn’t very pleasant. I feel like I should be sad to lose him but I only feel sad for the others who lost him. I guess they had good times with him, good experiences, happy memories. I only have what I mentioned above and fleeting memories of brief shallow conversations at family gatherings, and briefer, perfuntionary hugs. I never had a real conversation with him so what could I find to miss? For myself, not a lot. For my cousins, they lost their father and I hope that he was a decent one. I hope he was kind and patient with them, I hope there is a lot to miss. I hope he was a good husband and A tremendous loss to my aunt. I hope he was thoughtful, kind and supportive to his little family. I hope he is missed and mourned. I wish I had seen his good side, been allowed to know him more, it’s too late for that now. This is what I have and I’ll do with it what I can.