I’m 52 and, like everyone else, I find myself struggling with life in general. I have 3 kids, 2 in their 20s and 1 who is 17 so they are pretty much grown at this point… only they’re not.

The older 2 are autistic, high functioning and all but, they have these… roadblocks in their way that a lot of young people don’t. My middle child has been trying to learn to drive for years. She’s nearly 23 and no matter how we practice and despite $1,000 in private professional lessons, she is just not even close to being a safe or sane driver. So she’s never been able to get a job. We are in a rural area and she’s been applying to all the places she can walk to, repeatedly, for years. She’s got other issues that factor in to her not getting hired, such as not having any work history and being something of an eccentric. That alone makes me want to weep.

My eldest child is employed, underemployed, by a chain pharmacy. She’s nearly 26 and has gotten her driver’s license and worked in food service and such. She’s more competent and less eccentric and can range out as far as she needs to to find work. She’s got other issues though and with her low-paying, part time job and rents being very high she’s back living with us and tension is rising under the surface. It makes me want to cry.

My youngest will be a junior in high school next year. He has some autistic traits for sure but seems to have a better grasp of how things work and what he needs to do to succeed in life. He doesn’t drive yet but we hope to get his permit this summer. He’s been sort of employed at a couple of paid internships for a few weeks this summer and last. He’s been good with the money he’s earned, even put some into a sort of retirement account. He struggles with organization and has social issues.

All of my kids are struggling with mental health issues like depression, anxiety, and more. We are doing everything we can to help them but it’s exhausting and stressful and progress at getting the older 2 to be functional adults is glacial. My heart is breaking because it’s starting to take a toll on my marriage. Actually, maybe it’s been taking it’s toll for a long time and denial has been my refuge… It’s hard on my husband supporting all of us. I work too, part time and at home. I’m the main cook and housekeeper, the one who drives the non-drivers to most things. There’s school, doctors appointments, therapy, a few activities and such. Other people help with the driving. My husband drives if I’m at work, or my mother, thankfully. There’s so many issues, some I can talk about and some I can’t, not mine to tell.

My husband is way past wanting the older 2 to move out and be independent, WAY, WAY, WAY past. He’s been very patient. My eldest has been out on her own a couple of times. Had apartments with friends and with a partner who turned out to be an abusive jerk. She was so miserable in that relationship that she became suicidal. My middle child struggles socially in ways that I find difficult to fathom and she is very anxious and depressed. Both get overwhelmed pretty easily so I try to help them progress without too much “pushing” I focus on encouragement. Progress is soul-suckingly slow, I might have mentioned. So here I am, stuck between a husband who is cracking under the strain of all that is piled on his shoulders, who wants to push these kids out of the nest, and 2 very vulnerable 20-somethings who I worry would not make it out there. RENT ALONE is too much for either one to handle.

So, I encourage my girls, support them as they try, one is taking classes the other is studying to get a computer certification, one is looking for work, the other is working and trying to get more hours/a raise/a promotion, and I tell my husband about every little bit of progress I see them making. I try to keep things as harmonious as I can around here. I am beyond stressed out and completely spent from doing the vast bulk of all the emotional work. I love these crazy, wonderful people. I LOVE them so much. I’m tired, I’m so tired and wrung out, I just want to lock myself in a place with tea and books and peace for a while, or a few years until this all gets sorted out, but I won’t. I’ll find a way to keep being supportive and encouraging and help all my kids find their feet. Hopefully no one will break during this process, hopefully my marriage won’t be destroyed and my kids won’t end up hating me.

Seriously, when did life get so freaking complicated and difficult? Not that it was a bed of roses, ever, but remember all the fun we had in our 20s? Remember when we were struggling to pay rent and trying to afford to eat something other than pasta all the time but still had beer money? We got restaurant jobs so we could get employee meals that were better than we could afford usually. We had roommates that drove us crazy and wouldn’t pay their long distance bills and left gross things on/in the couch or fridge. We struggled to keep a car on the road, to get a job that could support us. We thought life was super stressful, right? Then we, some of us, had kids and we thought the sleep deprivation days of having babies and young kids was stressful, the ER trips with high fevers, etc, then the kids went to school and there was that, but this? I’m telling you this is so painful and stressful I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Welcome to bummertown. Population: me.