Tears in the Rain

Instead of watching something new to me tonight I watched Blade Runner with my husband who had never seen it. It was as good as I remembered though I’d forgotten some little bits of it. This is still one of the greatest scenes in any movie:

I can’t believe he’s gone. Maybe tomorrow I’ll watch Lady Hawke again, or check IMDB for a movie I haven’t seen yet. I haven’t read anything about his death. I’ve stayed of social media and I didn’t go looking so I don’t know what happened to him, don’t know what’s being reported, I might keep it that way a while. I hope he went out however he wanted to. I know we all have to die sometime and whatever’s next is a new adventure of some kind. He’s not sad now that’s just for the living.

All those moments will be lost in time…

People die every day. I don’t know why I wasn’t expecting this one but I really wasn’t. Rutger Hauer is dead. I feel like I’ve heard an old friend I fell out of touch with has died. I remember right where I saw him first in Bladerunner when I was 15. We’d bought tickets for something else and snuck in. It was an awesome flick, still is. Talking about the movie afterwards my friends and I dubbed him “That Johnny-Perfect guy” because we hadn’t caught his name in the credits. I’ll never forget the feeling that washed over me when Roy howled like a wolf or the crystalline perfection of the “tears in the rain” scene. A few years later I’d see him again in Ladyhawke, a movie I adore for the story while cringing at it’s utterly inappropriate soundtrack, I love him in his role of the hopelessly cursed knight, Navarre.

After high school, with our vast restaurant-job-earned wealth, a friend of mine and I scoured movie rental places for any movie he was in. I’m honestly not sure if I’d call what I felt any kind of crush it was more a sort of fascination. I’m pretty sure he’s not in the running for Greatest Actor of All Time but there was something spellbinding, at least for me, about what he brought to each role I saw him in. Something about the way he wore all those masks that I couldn’t ignore even if I’d never be able to say what it was. He was brilliant to watch and I could rarely look away if he was on screen. And, gods, was he in a LOT of movies over the years. I honestly haven’t kept up with all his work which gives me much to still look forward to. But it’s very sad to know he’s gone and he’ll never make another film again.

So many of my favorite actors from my youth have gone and usually I’ll post something sappy on facebook acknowledging their passing. But Mr. Hauer is special because he was kind of my secret. I couldn’t say a word about him after Blade Runner, because sneaking into R rated movies was more than frowned upon in the house I got through childhood in, but I was silently waiting, hoping to see him again in something I’d be allowed to see. There was no internet back then for me to just hop on to look up a list of his films. I don’t know if there was anywhere we could find out that kind of information in the 80s. The best there was were these cheaply-made books, sort of film omnibuses or something, where you could look up movies by title. Try finding all someone’s work like that, OOF.

Anyway, I’m glad I can just pop into IMDB now and spend some time catching up with my old friend. I’ll probably do what I always do and save one film, or one last episode of a TV show he was in, and never watch it. I have trouble saying goodbye, trouble letting go, letting death have the last word…. well, trouble admitting death has had the last word. Goodnight, Rutger, I’ll miss you.

Things that are Good.

I’m going to write a more upbeat post this time. Looking back over my entries they have a very complainy tone and that’s a little sad because there is an awful lot of good going on in my life! So, on to talking about the things that make me want to get up in the morning.

First, I know I mentioned circumstances have put something of a strain on my marriage but it is still a really great relationship. We are both huge geeks and have had 20+ years of shockingly high compatibility. When we met we were both into LoTR, reading, and RPGs and have had a blast getting each other into new hobbies and fandoms over the years. He showed me Drizzt and Dragonlance, I showed him Doctor Who and Star Trek. We discovered Harry Potter together and GoT, and Firefly etc etc. We’ve been reveling in this amazing age where geekdom is having its day. Movies, TV shows, games, books, and merchandise galore. It’s a good time to be geeky. ^_^ We also share a great deal as far as worldview goes, where we have any differences we respect each other. We’re still crazy in love after all this time too.

Though my kids are a source of stress, and I worry about them constantly, they are also a source of joy. They are good kids, sweet, kind, generous and loving. They are funny and make me laugh and smile. Their progress, while slow, Exists, they are each moving forward and that’s not nothing. I know a few people who are not moving forward, who have basically fallen down, so to speak, and are refusing to get back up. I’m very glad and grateful that my kids are not in that position. They are also each clever and talented at various things. I’m not saying they could pay the bills with their writing, art, etc but they produce lovely things, disturbing pieces sometimes. Their art is not boring.

Our goofy pets. Our earnest, lovable mutt is our clown, confidant, protector and more. She is such a love and such a goofball. I am so happy she is part of our clan. Our 2 cats, one is the boss of everything and will slap us if we get out of line. She doesn’t like us… that’s why it’s sheer coincidence that she follows us room to room and wants to be pressed against us while we pet her. She’s not fooling anyone. Our other cat is just a big old mushy lovebug. climbs all over us, MUST be petted or she will lick you or use her paws to demonstrate how to pet. All of these little beings make me laugh and smile and want to be as awesome as they think I am.

My job. I have a job I actually love. I am so lucky. I work as a teen librarian and I absolutely love it. I manage the Young Adult book collection and run all YA programming at the library. I come up with ideas for workshops and seek out instructors as needed, I try out various activities, and so on. This summer I’m running a series of Arts & Crafts workshops as well as showing sci-fi movies and throwing little parties for the teens. We give out raffle tickets to encourage reading and then draw for prizes. I’m also running a book cover contest which may or may not result in any entries… that’s the nature of YA programming. A lot of the stuff I try might fail. Like my movie series, it’s been me and my family watching and almost no one else! But it’s all fun and it’s all a learning experience for me. I’m still quite new at it. I’ve only been working at this job for about 7 months. I met with the Teen Advisory Board last night and got to tell the kids about my ideas and get their opinions on future programs I might run. I also leave a lot of surveys out in the YA room. It’s hard to express how interesting and challenging and FUN this job is.

That’s probably enough of a sample of what is really good in my life right now. It feels nice to write about what’s going right for once. I’ll have to keep doing it.

Drama Mama as if I needed more…

So, anyone who’s read a few of my posts will know that I have a lot on my plate. I’ve got 3 grown and nearly grown kids, 2 on the autism spectrum, all 3 dealing with mental health issues like depression and/or anxiety. All of them live at home because of the many issues and the fact that wages are low and rent/cost of living is HIGH. That puts financial strain on us and, honestly, a strain on what has been an amazing marriage. That’s enough, right?

No, it isn’t, not for me. I’m an over-achiever in the loaded plate department. While I spend my days encouraging my kids to keep going, keep trying, keep studying, etc, encouraging my husband to keep studying and, as an alternative to some kind of spree, keep working or look for a new job that might not drive him so crazy, (good days are good at his job but bad days are insane) while I drive the non-drivers to appointments, school, to see friends etc, and I go to work, keep up with the house and put meals on the table, there’s a whole other level of stuff I have to deal with.

As if all that I’ve mentioned weren’t enough, I also have a drama-mama to deal with. I’m exhausted every time I deal with her, she demands more emotional work than anyone I’ve ever met, my therapist recommends I cut ties with her completely for my own mental health. She’s not a normal mom who wants the best for her children. There’s something broken inside her. Loads of people have told me, “She’s your mom, you only get one.” “She wants what’s best for you even if she’s made mistakes.” That might be true about most moms, that they try their best and want their kids to succeed and be happy, but there are mothers out there who honestly never should have had kids. Mine is one of them. I’m going to try to not dredge up the past today and just give you the latest example.

I live a 10 minute drive from my mother, my sisters wisely live 1,000 and 13,000 miles away. The other night I got a call from the sister who lives 1,000 miles away. She was calling to ask me if I knew our mother was dying and to ask if it was true that I, and my other sister, are not speaking to her. … … … Of course I knew what this was about. I won’t get into the long history, but I can’t trust my mother and we had a couple of recent incidents. She had a heart valve replaced a while back and was behaving almost like a normal mom for a couple of years, I let my guard down, went to he for a little emotional support. ROOKIE MISTAKE. The first incident I was really upset but I thought, hey, this is on me, I forgot who I was dealing with. So I let it go and kept spending time with her and all that. The second incident was a total set-up. We were having a conversation and she started pushing my buttons, you know, the one’s she installed while she was raising me? Well, she got what she wanted, I eventually raised my voice and gave her the chance to say; “Why are you so full of hate?” I happened to catch the very slight smile she had when she said it, her tiny celebration of her victory over me, well done.

So I gave myself some space from her. This time I was pissed at myself again but also at her. I wasn’t going to walk right by and forget it this time. I’m 52, she’s 73, I’m tired of this garbage. So, it’s been a few months or whatever and she’s noticed there are boundaries in place. (she hates boundaries) So she’s been worse than usual when we do speak, manipulative, trying to get me to say certain things, prying at me for information I am just no longer going to share. The other night she asked if I was ever going to bring my family over for swimming and BBQ ever again. So dramatic. I was supposed to reassure her and say all the things she wants to hear but I’m just done playing her stupid games. I asked; “Do you really want to have this conversation?” She said yes. So I told her that I can’t trust her, that she betrays my confidences, that she manipulates me, etc etc. All said along with things like “I’m not saying this is all deliberate,” “This is how I feel,” and when we got off the phone I said. “I’m sorry, mom, I know that is hard to hear. I love you.”

I know my 13,000 mile away sister recently told my mom not to visit in the fall because she is working and in school and it’s all just too much to have her come stay for weeks at a time. SO, our mother calls our other sister and tells her that supposedly her heart valve is failing and that she will not replace it so she’s dying, and me and little sister aren’t speaking to her. She is 100% lying about us not speaking to her and it wouldn’t be the first time she’s lied about a medical condition to create drama/manipulate one or more of us, so I don’t know what to make of it all. I actually tried to call her just to see how she’s doing and she didn’t call me back so, who’s not speaking to who? Sure, she’s welcome to not return calls, I respect that, but to do so while claiming I’m the one not talking to her? I’m just glad my sister saw right through her. We’ve all been dealing with this, and far worse, our whole lives.

Just for the record, our mother is married and has loads of people in her life, she is able to maintain friendships somehow. Probably because she takes her craziness out on her children, I’m just guessing.

Dungeons & Damsels

Today provided a ray of hope in a dim world for me.

My son, so shy, awkward, sooooo unsure, reached out, ever so slightly to the girl he’s got his eye on. He offered to share his dice tray during the game today when she was having nothing but ill luck. “Use my dice tray. It’s lucky.” Was what he said. She said “thanks” and they each looked down at the table and failed to contain the slightest of sweet smiles.

She’s as awkward and shy as he is. Bless her until the end of time. Her shyness gives him enough hope of not making an idiot of himself to try. Now he just needs to invite her somewhere, needs the confidence to ask her to come to a Renn faire or something. If she says yes then we’ll just need some slight coaching for conversation and offering to pay for her snacks and such. My sweet boy can do it, he can find someone to love in this dark world, I know it. Yes, he has his issues with depression and anxiety but he is also intelligent as hell and funny and kind. (not to mention gorgeous, what a cutie. I’m not biased, you’re biased! ;P )

He also did really well helping the new kid, younger kid, who just joined the game. My lad was patient and kind when I knew this kid was plucking my lad’s last nerve. He did better than my husband did displaying patience gently instructing the kid on how to play. It was pretty adorable. How can I worry so much about this kid? He has such strengths.

And he’s talking to a cute girl! ^_^

This is the first day that really counts as me no longer working 2 jobs. Normally I’d be going in to work soon and today I think I am going to miss the air conditioning. Saturday is also supposed to be a scorcher and I would have been working through the worst of it. I really hope the universe isn’t trying to tell me something…. Even if it is, I made this decision for important reasons.

I’ve been decluttering and cleaning, again, also spent some time watching these kooky videos with my son. I think the series is called “Tier Zoo” or something like that. It’s fascinating and sometimes hilarious. It treats the world as if it were a game and different organisms as character builds. It’s pretty entertaining.

OMG I think I am 3/4 melted in this heat and humidity. I feel so gross. I think I’ll have a cool shower before dinner, maybe one after dinner, definitely rinse off before bed… I’m starting to see the appeal of having a swimming pool despite the expense and the work involved. I’m making some kind of pasta-y broccoli/chicken casserole and a salad. I haven’t made the salad yet but the casserole is ready to bake. Please hold all applause, ha ha.

I’ve cleaned up a lot of random stuff in the bedroom, I’m still probably only about 10% done in there. So much to do. I need to cull my clothes again, and books, and general stuff. The kitchen might be done though. I cleared out a cupboard today and found 4 partial bags of semi-fossilized marshmallows and a bag of fat little biscuits that super weirdly had NOT gotten moldy. They must have been in there a year. Those are some DRY biscuits! I’m so bad at this. I mean, I’m really good at helping other people declutter, walking them through the “do you want to keep this item? Donate it? or is trash?” process until they can handle it on their own, but I have a hard time actually doing it on the scale my stuff requires that I do. I am making progress, I know that, it just feels so slow. I’m going to call my progress “glacial” so I can think about glaciers, big, beautiful chunks of ICE, so cold, so nice. I miss winter so much.

So, I need to get organized and break down my larger goals into smaller pieces. I want to declutter our whole house, yeah, of course, but should I take it room by room instead of doing whatever strikes my fancy on a given day? Would that help? So far I have been donating as I go which is an improvement over the past. Normally there would be boxes and bags of stuff lingering around the house, then lingering in the trunk of my car, and finally, months later, getting donated somewhere. Maybe I deserve a little credit for that kind of progress? Maybe, but there is so much stuff in here it’s crazy. No, there aren’t paths through some mad hoard, but there are a few rooms where it gets close to that bad sometimes. I’m working on it!

Can I ask you guys a question? (ok anther question) How many of you, who are parents, have wanted to or tried to start a family game night? I’ve tried a bunch of times and I think the failure comes down to, well, ME. I’m so tired after dinner I think I take no for an answer too readily. I feel like I don’t have much left to give by the time dinner is over and I don’t want to delve into the more complicated and entertaining games that might entice my family to actually play. Also, my attempts are short lived, I might try for a week or 2 but I tend to drop it after that. From what I’ve read about working with young adults, and from working with young adults professionally, I know that the formula for success is to just keep at it. Like this summer I’m showing movies on Fridays. Only my family came the first week, the second there was one extra young man, the third there were 4 people who attempted to stay, hopefully this week will be better. But they say in YA if you planned 8 workshops and no one comes to the 1st 7, run the 8th anyway. It takes time for teens to decide they want to do something, it takes time for them to trust that the offer is really sincere. I think I need to just apply that at home.

Death of Supermom…& a Toaster

Had a little trouble with the toaster over last night. This morning it flat out just didn’t work at all. It was somewhere between about 17 and 20 years old, it didn’t owe me anything, good innings. My son and I went and picked out a new one and set it up in the kitchen. It looks good, new, shiny, clearly more modern. Smaller too takes up less space on the counter. My Gramma & Grampa gave it to me. They died almost 10 years ago. Which is why I got all teary-eyed over a small appliance.

While we were out shopping and banking and such, I had to get some crochet hooks for a workshop I’ll be running soon, I started to feel a headache coming on. I did everything I could; the lad and I ate, drank water, I took some ibuprofen. We finished our errands and the headache just kept building. I’ve been lying in the dark drinking water, had some more food, took Tylenol and ibuprofen again. This is, of course, a migraine. I’m home and yet still useless to my family. I suppose I did spend most of the day with my son.

So this is me, letting go of broken things, letting go of expectations when I need to, being a woman who takes care of herself, of her health. I used to be very self-sacrificing. There was a time, when I was younger, I pushed myself and took care of everyone else. I prided myself on cooking 3 meals a day, cleaning, making every penny I had dance and sing to keep us all clothed and fed. In my relationship with my then boyfriend (now husband) I made all the work it took invisible to him. I smoothed down everything, kept things harmonious and smiled contentedly though every day and night. If he was happy, I was happy. They were good times, I liked who I was, but I think it was something no one could pull off forever. In my late 20s? No problem, I had loads of energy and enthusiasm and endless optimism. At 52? I need my sleep, I need a break, I need to be closer to the top of my own list.

Who or what do I want to be? I want to be a good mom who helps her kids get their shit together and succeed, I want to be a wife my husband can continue to adore, I want to be really good at my paid job, I want to make a difference. I want to write, paint, and create in general. I want to be an awesome friend to all my lovely friends. I want some peace, quiet and serenity. I would LOVE to never get another migraine, they suck. Is that too many things? Can I not have all that? My job is only part time if that helps.

Parenting an Introvert

We’re a very geeky family.

We have all gamed together and with others for years, in some cases decades, but a while ago, as we all got busier, the kids with school or work, my husband with work and more intense classes, me with 2 jobs, the gaming pretty much stopped. There just wasn’t time or energy to prepare and run much of anything.

We still talked about games and character concepts, of course, my son especially is always coming up with a new idea for an amazing character, usually power-maxed. Not long ago he and my husband were talking about games and our son says: “I miss when you weren’t in school and we’d talk about games and then they’d actually happen.” Within 24 hours he also told him “I miss spending time with you, Dad.” Our son was also struggling through a bit of dip, a return to a stronger depression than he’d felt in a while. He told us he was lonely.

Of course we were right there for him. My husband spent half the night talking to him, making a bit of a plan to make things immediately better. I gave notice at one of my jobs the next day so I can be home when he’s home more often and so we can eat more dinners as a family. My husband started planning a new RPG we can all play and he damn near quit school with only 9 credits to go. He’s decided not to drop out at but is trying not to obsess over keeping his 4.0 so he can prepare the RPG. He’s started running our son in a little solo intro. to it. It’s a superhero game we’ll soon join him in and it seems to be giving the lad a boost. We also signed him up for some Summer Reading activities at the library I work at. Tonight we’re painting Galaxy Mugs. About 90% of the participants in programming so far are girls, a fact that has not escaped my son’s notice. I think it’s good for him, he sort of gets to practice talking to girls in an environment where they have a built in subject to talk about. He’s in the library gaming group too (3 boys, 1 girl) and a gaming group with friends from his Jr. High. (a mixed group of about 5 kids) Both only meet maybe once a month but it’s something.

Sadly, his summer internship is paused as there is no work for him to do while 80% of the laptops are out for physical repairs. Once they get shipped back he’ll go back in and clean out all information and reset them up for the students returning in the fall. I think he’ll get about another week full-time. Last summer we sent him to writing camp for a week and to an art camp every Wednesday but he’s aged out of the writing camp and the art thing was expensive and he was really put off by something about it. I’m thinking of looking for something else but I don’t know where to start. The best activity we ever sent him to was Monster Camp where they spent a week making a mask and monster/creature using recycled materials and paper mache. That one only went to age 10 or 11 and he’s 17 now so….

I’m thinking about maybe getting him into LARPing. It’s very social and a lot of fun. Now that I have some Saturdays off it isn’t impossible anymore. The LARPs I’ve been to have been pretty outdoorsy though, and he hates being bug bit and being in the sun and heat. There must be some indoor LARP options, I should contact my friends who are into it. I know it would probably be too much for him at first, too much interaction, but maybe if there was a place for him to recharge once in a while… I think he’d really like it. I cannot fail this kid. He’s so bright and funny and kind and just wonderful. It kills me that he’s so sad and lonely. Depression + anxiety is AWFUL. When I was a teen in the 80s we just hung out. We’d go to each other’s houses and watch crappy TV shows or MTV, we might draw or do little crafts or eat, but it wasn’t really a focus. I don’t think kids do that so much anymore. They are always texting or something similar but not getting together much. I think that sucks.

Minor Revelations

My 17 year old is depressed and anxious. He’s also very introverted and doesn’t feel motivated to hang out with people so we have to push him to do that. He has fun when he does, usually. His therapist has been giving him assignments over the past year, to hang out with peers, to introduce himself to people, to reach out more in general, to get involved in activities with others. Recently, my husband has started giving him assignments too. He told our son to pick a girl he finds attractive (at this art activity he was in) and walk up to her before he left and just say “I really like what you did, it’s cool.” and smile. He did it! (I freaking saw him do it because I was running the activity)

He does try to do all the things we and the therapist suggest to him. He and his dad have been running in the mornings for a few weeks and eating better too. He used to drink a ton of juice and juice, beyond a small glass or 2 per day is rubbish for you. It’s basically all sugar. I took juice away a while ago and the kid lost 12 pounds in a few weeks. I’ve been trying to get him to drink water all along, it being the actual liquid our bodies crave, but he hasn’t been into it at all. Since our weekend away at the Cape, besides decluttering I’ve been washing up the dishes right after meals and also keeping a full pitcher of water in the fridge. Suddenly the kid is drinking water all the time. I can’t believe it, he hated water, now he loves it because it’s cold from the fridge. He’s also eating fruit, especially grapes, he and my husband agree that grapes are AWESOME right after their morning run.

Oh, and he also wants to get into Tae Kwan Do now. The only exercise I’ve ever been able to get him to do was swimming! A whole combination of things has come together and all these long wanted changes are suddenly happening. He’s been in therapy and on meds for a year, we’re eating family meals together much more consistently, there is cold water in the fridge at all times, and he started running with his dad. He is becoming a happier, healthier kid. Some changes are dramatic and some are subtle but they are happening. He and my husband are both losing weight. Oh, for anyone who’s wondering, they are using something called “Couch to 5K” it’s an app you can get for your phone that tells you what to do each day and builds you up to being able to run 5K. I’ve been walking using the new Harry Potter game as motivation because I am on my feet at home and at work much more than they are and I don’t like running. (Plus, Harry Potter ^_^ )

Do any other Gen-Xers out there find parenting to be this insane guessing game? I’ve always looked back on my own upbringing and found almost nothing but a negative example from my Boomer parent’s F***-ups. They were a lesson in what NOT to do but I still struggled with what TO do. Yeah, I chose not to punish my kids by hitting them, I chose not to dole out art supplies with an eye dropper, I chose not to force them to subscribe to any particular religion or anything, lots of mistakes of my parents I was able to side step… but not doing things isn’t really much to go on. I read to my kids like crazy, I made loads of art with them, I reasoned with them rather than using punishment, (at least 90% of the time) and I fed them, clothed them, housed them, loved the stuffing out of them. We always had plenty of pets, usually a sane amount like 4 or less but occasionally more, and had the kids help care for them. We didn’t demand high grades, middling were ok, we didn’t send them to a lot of activities… and that’s one thing I would go back and change. I think that was a mistake. We should have had them in activities and lessons more, at least to try way more things out. It’s too late now, maybe we can still do a little of that for our youngest but it’s too late for the older 2.

Why does that make me feel like such a failure? Parenting has been a very seat-of-our-pants affair and our parents were no help at all. We’ve done the best we could, taken our best guesses, but I feel awful for what I didn’t do that I now think might have helped. Even if you read books by so-called experts on parenting they all contradict each other and the general advice changes every few years. What the heck are we supposed to do with all that? So, here I am, trying to help my kids where they are now, basically having to hope that loving them so much all these years will have been enough so that they can still get to the point of Adult Functioning… even if it’s LATE. And still hoping all this won’t kill my beautiful, wonderful marriage to the best guy I’ve ever met.

I’m trying to build myself up to be more hopeful but I live in Bummerville.

Buried Alive Under Books and Craft Supplies

Does anyone else worry that they could easily become a hoarder? Is it just me? I have a lot of stuff, my family has a lot of stuff, we have too much stuff. There’s so much stuff in the world and companies are forever making more. Loads of things seem super-cool but when you collect too many of them they become … clutter and instead of making me happy all those things start to make me feel sad and stressed.

The house never really looks nice and presentable because clutter cannot be organized it can only be gotten rid of or just shuffled from one location around the house to another. I can hardly leave the house without coming back with a book, or two, or a whole bag I got cheaply or even for free somewhere. So there are books EVERYWHERE. I love them. To be fair to myself I am also good at getting rid of books. I often sort through them and choose several to pass along to friends, donate to a library sale or post on paperbackswap.com to trade for other books. I used to sell books I no longer needed to a used bookstore, I sold them by the box-full. My whole family are gamers so we also have a TON of games. We have board games, card games, video games, roleplaying game book and figures and maps etc etc. We have about as many dice as our local game store but you watch, next time I’m in that game store they will have some shiny new dice in a fancy new swirly color I haven’t seen before and BAM! I will buy them and hide them in the closet for one of the kids for Xmas! We also have pounds and pound of arts and crafts supplies. We have yarn, fabric, paper, canvases, pens, pencils, paints, clay and other sculpting materials, loads of saved lids, rolls, tops, boxes, cases, and other packaging and such waiting for us to be inspired. We will one day be buried alive beneath toppled towers of such things. Well, I don’t want to go out like that, so I have finally, seriously, embraced decluttering.

I started this past Tuesday after we returned from a short trip to the Cape. It was so nice in the cabin, there were enough things there, enough dishes and pots and pans to cook and eat, a couple of games and puzzles, a sane number of books. It was so peaceful not having to deal with what I’ve come to think of as “too many choices.” We didn’t watch shows or fall into our computers much at all. We sat drinking tea and eating bagels on the porch watching humming birds joust for the rights to the feeder. We listened to the wind in the trees and the ocean. We played a few games, we walked on the beach. Obviously, now that we’re home, we have to work and the beach is hours away. I can’t make what we had on vacation our actual way of life but I realized that one of the nicest things about it all wasn’t the ocean or the beach it was the simplicity. There were just enough dishes and utensils so they needed to be washed pretty immediately but even if we left them in the sink there were only so many so it never felt out of control. LIGHTBULB MOMENT!

I came home and looked at all the dishes we have. About 3 full sets of dishes; one that was bought for us as a gift and 2 that we inherited when family members died. We do not need 3 sets of dishes! I packed one set away because one of my kids wants it when/if they move out and get a place of their own and I can’t quite face choosing between the other 2 sets yet, but I’ve organized them in a saner manner for now. They all fit in one cupboard now. I was able to part with about 50% of our wine glasses and over 50% of our mugs. I culled the baking and serving dishes, table cloths, votive holders, decorative … things? I’ve been paring down my wardrobe and my book collection, our games, movies and CDs, even the craft supplies. It’s only been a few days but there is a difference around here already. I’m starting to feel a little less stressed by the clutter because it is shrinking.

Ideally, I’d like to end up with enough books, games, dishes, clothes, towels and so forth to just feel comfortable. I hope at some point to have things pared down to a point where even moving wouldn’t be a huge ordeal because packing would be the work of a few hours or at worst a single day. I know that is unrealistic in the short term so I am trying to set reasonable goals. So far I’ve only been tackling the kitchen, dining room and a bit of the laundry room. I don’t think I’m finished with those rooms but the progress feels good. Getting rid of stuff is good, not bringing it home in the first place has to be something I work toward. I need to STOP bringing home books and yarn especially. I need to find something that soothes me that ISN’T shopping. Retail therapy is awful and it’s only made me more unhappy.