work is a struggle but at least we’re still working…

Day 54 of isolation, here we are, we’re hanging in there. My husband and I are struggling through working from home. He struggles with the mountain of work he has to do, technical glitches, higher-ups who think just because they want something to happen means that something is possible, etc. I struggle with trying to find way to actually DO my job, alternate between excitement over Summer Reading and anxiety that we won’t find a way to make it work, and worry that my job might go the way of the Dodo. I worry about the vendors I’ve contracted with for in-person programs this summer, how are they doing now? What the heck are they living on? I also worry that if, as is most likely, we won’t be able to have them come to our library they will insist that we have breached the contracts and expect to be paid out of a budget that has likely evaporated. I don’t know what will happen with all that, I suspect it is above my paygrade and something my Director will handle.

Focus on the positive bits: what is making me excited about Summer Reading? A demo of some cool software we might use to run our programs virtually. I could completely customize it for our teen patrons, give them the option to leave their thoughts on books they read, allow options for them to see what their friends are reading, (that they want to share) and add little mini games that can be unlocked as they read through the summer. I’m also excited about the Fairy Tale Writing Contest I’ll be running. I’m hoping big to get some submissions on that. Besides upcoming SRP May is national pet month so we’re having people submit art pieces, writing, photos etc of/about their pets. I was thinking of the whole thing as a community wide exhibit on our website, but I think the Director is leaning toward some sort of contest. I’m doing everything I can to connect with the teens and keep programming going, that’s all I can do so I might as well relax and let the rest go.

Everything is still up in the air. We’re all, all of us in the world, sort of holding our breath and waiting to see what happens next. There is no real notion of when we can leave isolation safely and the news out of the places in the world where restrictions have lifted or were never put in place is not good. Sweden is experiencing a very high death rate, other places tried to go back to normal and got savage resurgence of the virus. We need to be so careful no matter how impatient we are for some kind of normalcy.

Day 53, part 2: virus has no heart

We just found out my husband’s auntie, who is mentally disabled and lives in a group home, has Covid-19 and she’s really, really ill. We found out some days back that people in her home had tested positive but she was not ill. She told my husband’s mom, on the phone, that she was really scared. We were worried about her but hopeful she might somehow not get it. You gotta hope, right? But we heard last night she’s got it and she is very sick. She hasn’t seen any family in over a month because of the pandemic and now… and she’s mentally maybe somewhere around 5 years old. She’s sweet and harmless, she loves Disney princesses and… I’m going to cry. No one can go see her, she’s isolated within the group home, it’s just so awful. I don’t know what to do.

We’ve been taking this virus very seriously from very early on, it’s made us nervous, careful, kept us home and disinfecting everything. It’s just getting way too real now and far too sad to bear. May the Gods old and new keep watch over her and comfort her.

Day 53

I need to get outside. Does anyone know how to ruthlessly murder a million ticks without poison? Everytime I go out into my yard, even just to walk the dog I come back with at least one tick on me. It’s horrifying and I hate it. Those things really squick me out! Yeah, I’m probably not going to go outside. But it’s so gorgeous out there… and I should.

Had meetings all day, on Zoom, Meet Up, etc. It looks like summer programming will all be virtual. My state just got another 3 week extension on lock down, which is good, not enough probably, but something. So, now I need to scramble to come up with programming that can all be done online that is engaging, valuable, accessable, etc. We’re looking at how to reach patrons who don’t have internet access. We can do mailings somehow I guess. This new world we’re in is tricky and stressful. I need to work on my stress relief. I don’t know if I will be back working in the library this summer, I don’t know if patrons will be allowed in or not, I don’t know how we can serve our patrons well if they can’t come in to use the computers and printers.

Public Libraries in rural areas like ours provide access to the internet, computers, printers, scanners, fax machines, etc. Some libraries also have 3D printers and other fancy stuff. In our area the library is often the only place some people can use computers or the internet and we get people rushing in at closing time desperate not to miss some deadline, caught between their work schedule, the bus schedule, and our hours. If they make it before we shut the computers down entirely we will try to help them, much as we like to go home at the end of the day, it usually isn’t their fault they couldn’t get to us sooner. (not that I’m super invested in “fault”) Public Libraries everywhere are a safe warm or cool space for people experiencing homelessness to go during the day. We have restrooms, clean water, sometimes even tea available for a donation. If anyone asks me what the donation is I let them know it can be any amount, if they still seem unsure I let them know there is no one policing our tea supply, the Director and staff basically donate it all. The horrid Keurig plastic pollution machine costs $1 cup for whatever one chooses; coffee, tea, cocoa, but there is no one acting as the police of that transaction either. So it’s not nothing that library doors are closed now and I wonder how we will find ways to continue to help our patrons access what they need. We don’t have a supply of loaner laptops or mobile hotspots like some other libraries do. I know we’re working on all this, I just wish I could know what’s coming, I wish I could prepare.

Will I have a job when the pandemic releases us all from our house arrest? I don’t know. I’m seeing a lot of pain coming for a LOT of people, and while I know Public Libraries are a cost-effective way to provide vital services to communities, I also know that they often end up threatened by the chopping block. So right now I am working extra hard to become the best librarian I can be. My online classes are turning me from a whimsical chick who comes up with cool crafts for the kids to do into a kickass librarian who provides more value to the tweens & teens of our community by planning programs built around specific learning outcomes. The great thing is, if I do it right, the kids will learn things that make them think and help them grow and all they’ll notice is the fun and creativity.

can’t stop the falling of the rain

I think a lot of people are reaching some kind of breaking point. The world has gotten weird and nothing is easy anymore. Some people are quarantining alone and I can’t quite imagine that. I haven’t really left the house, except for quick drop offs without interacting with people or entering buildings, since… the first week of March sometime. My husband and son about the same time, my daughters about a week after that. We’re introverts but this is getting to be a little much. I just want to go to a bookstore and wander the aisles and riffle the pages. But I won’t, I’ll be good, everyone is depending on each of us to do our part and stay the F home. I can do that.

I’m worried about some of my friends who are hitting the same wall I am but live alone. I know I get annoyed with the people I live with sometimes but they’re here when I need to see a person, hug a person, play a game, watch a show together, etc. I’m not sure how I’d cope all on my own. Well, I’d always have a cat, let’s be real, if I lived in my car I’d still have my kitty. But even pets are not people, they love you yeah, but they can’t play board games or speak back to you. Well, I guess some people probably have parrots or something but still. Huh, if I was alone with my cat I would probably try to invent a board game she could play with me. It would be like Calivinball the board game because cats are freaking Random. But I am rambling from stress and lack of sleep. I am worried about my friends who live alone, even those with pets, because we are humans and we are not meant to be alone, not for long periods of time like this.

Hey, friends, I LOVE YOU. You are not in this alone even though I am not there with you. If I could I would pop by in a heartbeat with cookies and tea and cuddles galore. We’re all kind of hitting a breaking point, a crisis point I think, right about now. Be gentle with yourself, practice whatever self-care you can; shower, eat, drink some water, take your meds. If you can go outside at all get a little fresh air, chat with a friend, play cards against humanity online, read a book that always makes you feel better, make some art! Bake! You are still here. We are still here. Things are weird and stressful but we do still have each other. We can’t change this situation but we can reach out and find ways to connect better so we can all make it through this.

I love you all so much.

I have Questions

Things are so uncertain. The news is full of insanity like a president recommending citizens inject bleach or cleaners to cure a virus or crazy people demanding the right to go back to normal so we can all risk a horrible death. The news is terrifying when the CDC and WHO warn us that those who’ve had this nightmare disease may well be able to get it again or that people in their 50, 40s, and 30s who get it and don’t even show symptoms can develop a terrible clotting disorder and become utterly disabled or die of massive strokes brought of a type normally reserved for the elderly. So I wonder about a lot of things. When will it actually be safe to go back to work? What will normal even look like whenever we can start rebuilding it? Will covid-19 kill my husband, even if we manage to keep him from contracting it, by making it impossible for him to get the asthma medications that keep him alive?

But I have other, more immediate, questions: Since it’s the apocalypse how much do I have to clean the house? I have all this time now so why am I still unable to relax and read? With all this time how am I finding it difficult to plan a GURPS game for my family? How late is too late to sleep in? When is it too late in the day to remember to shower? I mean, If I don’t remember until after 7pm, does it even count as showering for that day? If I cook 3 meals for everyone one day, my usual now being fend for yourselves for breakfast and lunch but I’ll make a decent, sit-down, dinner, can I take a day? What if no one else knows how to cook? What does it say about me that I had a dream that we got a mad amount of take out from Wendy’s and I was over the moon about it? What day is it? Will I ever be able to buy baking powder again? (It’s really tricky baking without it) Is it Mother’s Day or something? Isn’t that soon? What is all this doing to my son who’s about to turn 18? What about my 20-something daughters? What about my husband and me? I even heard this is all taking a toll on our pets so there’s that to worry about too.

I think this is day 50 of isolation. How are we doing this without going insane? Or are we insane now? Would we know?

Day 48

We’ve got a real pattern going here. We eat pretty well right after we get groceries, there’s fruit and lettuce, milk, cheese oj, we got little cupcakes from the bakery this time. I was missing those darn things so bad! We’ve been home long enough I had to buy conditioner, guess I forgot to have enough of that on hand. So, we got some groceries delivered yesterday so we had fresh bread and salad with dinner the past 2 nights and I got to make the weird mac & cheese I wanted to make. We got apples and oj for the next couple of days at least. I’m trying to space out the good things the little cupcakes will be gone tonight and I will likely wait a day to make the brownies from the mix I ordered. I try to keep a few of the fresh veggies for a few days to liven up an extra meal or two. We’ll be back to pasta, rice, and tuna again before long. Not to complain, it’s good to be able to eat, it’s just less stressful when we have a more normal range of food.

If you need distraction as much as I do: There’s a really cool game for the PS4. It’s called “Journey” and it’s lovely. My friend told me about it and I went to go buy it and it’s FREE on the PS4 in downloads! It took me maybe 2 1/2 hours to play and it was diverting and charming and … just cool. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mU3nNT4rcFg I intend to play it several more times. It only took 15 minutes to download too.

I got 3 submissions to my contest! Feels like a victory to me. There are 3 kids claiming they will log in for the Pathfinder game tomorrow too. I will be on top of the world if that happens. Seriously, that is a huge leap in participation in my virtual programs and I will take it. I’ll be announcing the winner of the contest on Monday and sending out the little prize. ^_^

I’m not feeling well, haven’t been sleeping enough, nausea, headache, just under the weather. Crazy because I have had no exposure to anyone or anything in ages. Could it be allergies? Meh. I hope you are well, I hope you are coping. Stay safe everyone!

Day 46: Boomers Don’t Seem to Get it….

Gross generalization ahead: The Boomers aren’t getting it, the seriousness of this pandemic, they aren’t. To be fair, I’m really speaking about the Boomers in my life, maybe the Boomers in your life are doing better. Let me know, I’d love to hear from a wider sample!

When I say they aren’t taking the pandemic seriously what I’m talking about is my mother, and my husband’s mother, thinking they are being so, so careful when they get together with their friends outdoors, 6 feet apart, in groups of less than 10, just to chat, or so they can all have cake for someone’s birthday. Every time I talk to my mother these days I feel like my head is going to explode. She made 3 cakes for her birthday over that weekend and a few mornings later she let it slip that she had “all her friends over” and they stayed 6 feet apart, outside, and she served them all cake and “it was lovely!” They “completely social distanced.” I explained to her than social distancing is basically for emergencies, it’s for “if you must go out” you should stay at least 6 feet apart, wear a mask and gloves, and wash your hands and never touch your face.

Those guidelines are for anyone who must go out, essential workers, people who need groceries or medicine, people who cannot NOT go to work because they live paycheck to paycheck and their businesses are still allowed to be open. My husband’s mother has done very similar things; spending time by the pool 6 feet from her friends, going out to grab “1 or 2 things” nearly Every Day, and so on. My Dad too, in California, who has a terrible lung disease that is going to kill him in a few years, still goes out and his wife still goes out, way too much, to the hardware store and such or they’d go out of their minds with nothing to do. I am so frustrated with these ridiculous people that I love and don’t want to die sooner than they need to, and Horribly, I could just scream.

My mother wants to bake for us and drop it off. She leaves the house every day and walks in her crowded town on sidewalks where no one yields to each other. She cannot understand why I don’t want to add another risk, however small or large it might be, another possible vector for this virus to get into my home. She hasn’t told my sister that 79 people in her town have tested positive and 22 have died. That’s just the confirmed cases. When people are being found dead in their home they aren’t being tested for the virus, and the cases of people being found in their homes are up 25% from last year in this area. And all I continue to hear from these people is “When can we get back to normal?” Too many of them, and I’m sure other age groups, are trying to do just that way too soon.

It’s cold here today, 37 degrees F, so I’ve got the wood stove going. I’m still trying my best to work and learn from home but it’s getting tough. Lack of sleep is impacting my metal state, memory and so on, not to mention my mood. I snapped at my husband last night in the middle of the night. Something about snoring? It was not ok, understandable? Maybe, but not ok. I need so much sleep, you guys, seriously.

Day 45: the lottery of leftovers

Before the pandemic hit, I had been working on ending food waste in my home, and I was doing it alone. I’d mentioned to everyone that it seemed to be a pretty sizable problem and that I wanted to fix it but no one else had really bought-in. I’d let them know that the dinner they were eating was made with leftover rice or pasta, or a bunch of veggies that had been in excess of a previous dinner’s requirements, and everyone would nod and say “Cool.” That’s not nothing. I have a few very picky eaters and they were doing their best.

Now everyone is more invested in my project. They’ve watched the fridge empty out and listened when I let them know that even though I’d ordered groceries we didn’t have a blind idea when they’d arrive, if they’d arrive, or if the things we needed would all be included. The Instacart shoppers are doing their very best but if the grocery store is out of something there isn’t a lot they can do. The young man who seems to pick up our groceries most often has been really great. He texts us and asks if he can substitute something else, lets us know options and prices, informs us of store policies, and even sends pics of the empty shelves sometimes. He really doesn’t need to show us the bare milk cooler or whatever, we believe him, but it shows us the situation in a way that has an impact, this is real. What we’re all going through is real.

Anyway, leftovers get eaten now and almost nothing is going to waste. I still find little things that were hidden, behind or under other things, that have gone bad or grown mold and those things are wasted. I’m talking about leftover casserole in amounts of about 1/8^th of a cup, or fresh herbs that hid under a bag of carrots. (cries a little, I love fresh herbs and it is tragic when I let them go to waste) Before the pandemic I would often end up tossing up to ¼ of an entire casserole or pan of lasagna, the kids would actually let ½ a pan of brownies get stale. (!!!) In the current dystopia the huge lasagna I made lasted less than 24 hours and we’ve had not a single brownie, cupcake or cookie wasted. My son said; “Now that I’m actively trying not to waste any food I realize how much food I used to waste. It was not a small amount.” Said with all the thoughtful gravity a 17-year-old boy could muster. He was always my super picky eater. He had massive issues with texture that were pretty savage. It is a BIG deal that when dinner is not good this kid now lies and says “That was good, thanks Mom.” My daughters, who have been relatively uncomplaining and accepting of whatever was put in front of them are now the ones most likely to make special requests and insist that they need certain foods. I could not have predicted this switch.

At this point I am cooking what I’m calling “original meals” about 70% of the time, maybe? By that I mean meals that I decide I’m going to make, get the ingredients, maybe make a substitution or 2 and make pretty much according to the recipe. The rest of the time I’m making meals backward by starting from “What have I got on hand? What in the fridge needs to be used up right away?” Often those questions lead to some kind of fried rice dish made from; the leftover halves of veggies chopped for previous dinners, leftover rice, and a purposely-leftover bit of chicken, pork or beef, all dressed up with a fresh palette of spices and some soy sauce. Or I might find that I have a bunch of left over baked potatoes and decide to mash them up and use leftover veggies and some ground beef to throw together a shepherd’s pie. I think of this as Leftover Lottery I spin the wheel and dinner is what it is. Soup is a good place for some kinds of leftovers too. Sometimes some leftover meat gets cut up and thrown into a casserole dish with some pasta and a condensed soup and that’s dinner.

We’ve been able to get some groceries delivered and I am very grateful for that. This whole thing would be so much worse without getting milk, cheese, fruit and veg delivered. The thing about groceries being so uncertain is that everyone appreciates it so much when “Hey! There’s lettuce and OJ! Oooo, apples and bagels!” The years of being spoiled by convenience are melting away.

Has anyone else felt the need to get creative to conserve food? Got any cool tips you want to share? Any funky ideas that came out really good? Let me know! Comment and share your genius. I really love hearing from you all. This isolation is tough.

Day 44: Anxious Thoughts

Watching the news feed is depressing. I stopped reading the news for a couple of days and I felt better. It was nice, I might go back to it. Does anyone else feel like they have to choose between mental health and being informed? I don’t want to be ignorant about what’s going on but at the same time things are bad in so many ways and it drains all the joy out of my heart to keep up with it.

The miles long lines of cars for food banks. I just can’t bear to think about it. I can’t help but put myself there, waiting hours in my car, desperate for the food to feed myself and my family, dying of anxiety that it would run out before I got any, riddled with guilt knowing I might get some and the many cars behind me might not even though they might need it just as much. I feel guilty just knowing I have food and other people don’t. I’ve gone hungry at some points in my life, I’ve not starved for days on end or anything, but I’ve lived on one scanty meal a day, sipping water near constantly to try to fool my stomach, for weeks. I’d eat anything anyone offered me while hiding my situation because I thought it was my fault. For me that was a long time ago and over the course of the past 3 decades, through planning, action, and luck, I had made it to a point where food scarcity was no longer an issue of mine. I keep telling myself “we’re still ok, we’re still ok.” It’s a mantra of worry, a spell to keep the spectre of hunger at bay. If something like this pandemic had hit back when I was struggling so hard I don’t know how I would have made it through.

Even now I don’t know that we’ll make it through. We will be ok as long as we still have our jobs and keep getting paid but how long will that continue? My husband’s job is actively planning for the survival of the school through several scenarios of full enrollment, 3/4, 1/2 etc. all the way down to no enrollment. They are planning for how many could they still employ in each scenario, who is essential, who would be cut, or given less hours, etc. At my job I’m not sure what’s going on exactly. I know it all hinges on the budget for the next fiscal year which starts July 1st. The budget had been settled, before this happened, with raises and everything, but the town is going to have to reshuffle things because of the economic hit the businesses are taking, and how much the pandemic costs to fight. I’m not super clear on how it all works but I know my boss will focus her fight on keeping our jobs and the services we provide intact, and cut our materials budgets and extra projects etc to keep those jobs and services. Which mostly assumes we’re reopening as a physical place. I don’t know if my job exists if everything we offer has to be provided online. Maybe. Parts of it for sure but other parts for sure not. I don’t know how long it will be allowed to exist if the building stays closed.

I don’t think it will be safe to return to anything approaching normal in early may. I heard our area isn’t expected to hit peak infection rate until then. How many weeks after that peak will we need to wait so it will be safe to go back out? Some colleges are considering staying online only through the end of 2020 and maybe starting physical classes for the Spring of 2021. Why does that sound both crazy and not crazy at all to me? Everything in uncertain.

Day 43 of Isolation

Blogging to try to stay sane here. I’ve got this creeping feeling of despair that threatens to overwhelm me. I’m swimming in stress and I have to think that’s what’s aggravating my acid reflux. I haven’t been drinking almost at all, I think I have somehow managed to lose my taste for beer, but last night we played Remote Insensitivity with some friends and I drank more wine than is good for me. I don’t think that helped my acid reflux either.

We’re gaming a lot. Today we will be playing Pathfinder again. A good game. We’re currently exploring an abandoned Hell Knight Citadel and it’s been a lot of fun, challenging, and I’m collecting pets. I’m trying to convince the party that I should get to raise the warg pups we found because CUTE, and keep the kobolds because they are hilarious. They are already sold on allowing the goblins to be part of our lives so there’s that!

I’m trying to ART but I can’t because I require some solitude for that and there isn’t really any solitude right now. I could make some but that would involve carting all my art stuff around and it’s a lot of work. I’ll probably be desperate enough to do that soon. The only craft I’ve been working on is slowly knitting rows so I can be done with the HP washcloth and move one to something more interesting. I can’t wait to be knitting something else.

I’m cooking a lot, of course, and I get super sick of it. I always have to cook enough for all 5 of us and it sucks sometimes. If anyone else were to cook something, or make a sandwich even, they could make it for themselves and no one else and no one would think anything of it. If I want to make myself a sandwich I very much feel like I have to offer to make one for everyone else. Tiring. But, hey, we have food and I’m deeply grateful for that. Food is a very good thing. I’ve got another delivery floating out there somewhere and this time I actually remembered to add the baking powder so that will improve my baking and keep me from having to muck about with substitutions. That will be awesome. Lately I’ve made lasagna, scones, a really bad shepherd’s pie, (ground chicken does not cut it) kielbasa and rice… and a lot of noodles. So many noodles. I’m going to make this crazy butternut squash mac & cheese tomorrow before my squash gets icky.

I’m reading A Serpent of Venice; by Christopher Moore very slowly. I don’t seem to be able to concentrate on reading for very long these days. Stress? How are you all doing? Able to read? Tell me your stories, what are you doing to stay sane in this isolation? Is anyone still out there or have I gotten to the point of screaming in the void?