Category: Uncategorized

Parenting an Introvert

We’re a very geeky family.

We have all gamed together and with others for years, in some cases decades, but a while ago, as we all got busier, the kids with school or work, my husband with work and more intense classes, me with 2 jobs, the gaming pretty much stopped. There just wasn’t time or energy to prepare and run much of anything.

We still talked about games and character concepts, of course, my son especially is always coming up with a new idea for an amazing character, usually power-maxed. Not long ago he and my husband were talking about games and our son says: “I miss when you weren’t in school and we’d talk about games and then they’d actually happen.” Within 24 hours he also told him “I miss spending time with you, Dad.” Our son was also struggling through a bit of dip, a return to a stronger depression than he’d felt in a while. He told us he was lonely.

Of course we were right there for him. My husband spent half the night talking to him, making a bit of a plan to make things immediately better. I gave notice at one of my jobs the next day so I can be home when he’s home more often and so we can eat more dinners as a family. My husband started planning a new RPG we can all play and he damn near quit school with only 9 credits to go. He’s decided not to drop out at but is trying not to obsess over keeping his 4.0 so he can prepare the RPG. He’s started running our son in a little solo intro. to it. It’s a superhero game we’ll soon join him in and it seems to be giving the lad a boost. We also signed him up for some Summer Reading activities at the library I work at. Tonight we’re painting Galaxy Mugs. About 90% of the participants in programming so far are girls, a fact that has not escaped my son’s notice. I think it’s good for him, he sort of gets to practice talking to girls in an environment where they have a built in subject to talk about. He’s in the library gaming group too (3 boys, 1 girl) and a gaming group with friends from his Jr. High. (a mixed group of about 5 kids) Both only meet maybe once a month but it’s something.

Sadly, his summer internship is paused as there is no work for him to do while 80% of the laptops are out for physical repairs. Once they get shipped back he’ll go back in and clean out all information and reset them up for the students returning in the fall. I think he’ll get about another week full-time. Last summer we sent him to writing camp for a week and to an art camp every Wednesday but he’s aged out of the writing camp and the art thing was expensive and he was really put off by something about it. I’m thinking of looking for something else but I don’t know where to start. The best activity we ever sent him to was Monster Camp where they spent a week making a mask and monster/creature using recycled materials and paper mache. That one only went to age 10 or 11 and he’s 17 now so….

I’m thinking about maybe getting him into LARPing. It’s very social and a lot of fun. Now that I have some Saturdays off it isn’t impossible anymore. The LARPs I’ve been to have been pretty outdoorsy though, and he hates being bug bit and being in the sun and heat. There must be some indoor LARP options, I should contact my friends who are into it. I know it would probably be too much for him at first, too much interaction, but maybe if there was a place for him to recharge once in a while… I think he’d really like it. I cannot fail this kid. He’s so bright and funny and kind and just wonderful. It kills me that he’s so sad and lonely. Depression + anxiety is AWFUL. When I was a teen in the 80s we just hung out. We’d go to each other’s houses and watch crappy TV shows or MTV, we might draw or do little crafts or eat, but it wasn’t really a focus. I don’t think kids do that so much anymore. They are always texting or something similar but not getting together much. I think that sucks.

Minor Revelations

My 17 year old is depressed and anxious. He’s also very introverted and doesn’t feel motivated to hang out with people so we have to push him to do that. He has fun when he does, usually. His therapist has been giving him assignments over the past year, to hang out with peers, to introduce himself to people, to reach out more in general, to get involved in activities with others. Recently, my husband has started giving him assignments too. He told our son to pick a girl he finds attractive (at this art activity he was in) and walk up to her before he left and just say “I really like what you did, it’s cool.” and smile. He did it! (I freaking saw him do it because I was running the activity)

He does try to do all the things we and the therapist suggest to him. He and his dad have been running in the mornings for a few weeks and eating better too. He used to drink a ton of juice and juice, beyond a small glass or 2 per day is rubbish for you. It’s basically all sugar. I took juice away a while ago and the kid lost 12 pounds in a few weeks. I’ve been trying to get him to drink water all along, it being the actual liquid our bodies crave, but he hasn’t been into it at all. Since our weekend away at the Cape, besides decluttering I’ve been washing up the dishes right after meals and also keeping a full pitcher of water in the fridge. Suddenly the kid is drinking water all the time. I can’t believe it, he hated water, now he loves it because it’s cold from the fridge. He’s also eating fruit, especially grapes, he and my husband agree that grapes are AWESOME right after their morning run.

Oh, and he also wants to get into Tae Kwan Do now. The only exercise I’ve ever been able to get him to do was swimming! A whole combination of things has come together and all these long wanted changes are suddenly happening. He’s been in therapy and on meds for a year, we’re eating family meals together much more consistently, there is cold water in the fridge at all times, and he started running with his dad. He is becoming a happier, healthier kid. Some changes are dramatic and some are subtle but they are happening. He and my husband are both losing weight. Oh, for anyone who’s wondering, they are using something called “Couch to 5K” it’s an app you can get for your phone that tells you what to do each day and builds you up to being able to run 5K. I’ve been walking using the new Harry Potter game as motivation because I am on my feet at home and at work much more than they are and I don’t like running. (Plus, Harry Potter ^_^ )

Do any other Gen-Xers out there find parenting to be this insane guessing game? I’ve always looked back on my own upbringing and found almost nothing but a negative example from my Boomer parent’s F***-ups. They were a lesson in what NOT to do but I still struggled with what TO do. Yeah, I chose not to punish my kids by hitting them, I chose not to dole out art supplies with an eye dropper, I chose not to force them to subscribe to any particular religion or anything, lots of mistakes of my parents I was able to side step… but not doing things isn’t really much to go on. I read to my kids like crazy, I made loads of art with them, I reasoned with them rather than using punishment, (at least 90% of the time) and I fed them, clothed them, housed them, loved the stuffing out of them. We always had plenty of pets, usually a sane amount like 4 or less but occasionally more, and had the kids help care for them. We didn’t demand high grades, middling were ok, we didn’t send them to a lot of activities… and that’s one thing I would go back and change. I think that was a mistake. We should have had them in activities and lessons more, at least to try way more things out. It’s too late now, maybe we can still do a little of that for our youngest but it’s too late for the older 2.

Why does that make me feel like such a failure? Parenting has been a very seat-of-our-pants affair and our parents were no help at all. We’ve done the best we could, taken our best guesses, but I feel awful for what I didn’t do that I now think might have helped. Even if you read books by so-called experts on parenting they all contradict each other and the general advice changes every few years. What the heck are we supposed to do with all that? So, here I am, trying to help my kids where they are now, basically having to hope that loving them so much all these years will have been enough so that they can still get to the point of Adult Functioning… even if it’s LATE. And still hoping all this won’t kill my beautiful, wonderful marriage to the best guy I’ve ever met.

I’m trying to build myself up to be more hopeful but I live in Bummerville.

Buried Alive Under Books and Craft Supplies

Does anyone else worry that they could easily become a hoarder? Is it just me? I have a lot of stuff, my family has a lot of stuff, we have too much stuff. There’s so much stuff in the world and companies are forever making more. Loads of things seem super-cool but when you collect too many of them they become … clutter and instead of making me happy all those things start to make me feel sad and stressed.

The house never really looks nice and presentable because clutter cannot be organized it can only be gotten rid of or just shuffled from one location around the house to another. I can hardly leave the house without coming back with a book, or two, or a whole bag I got cheaply or even for free somewhere. So there are books EVERYWHERE. I love them. To be fair to myself I am also good at getting rid of books. I often sort through them and choose several to pass along to friends, donate to a library sale or post on paperbackswap.com to trade for other books. I used to sell books I no longer needed to a used bookstore, I sold them by the box-full. My whole family are gamers so we also have a TON of games. We have board games, card games, video games, roleplaying game book and figures and maps etc etc. We have about as many dice as our local game store but you watch, next time I’m in that game store they will have some shiny new dice in a fancy new swirly color I haven’t seen before and BAM! I will buy them and hide them in the closet for one of the kids for Xmas! We also have pounds and pound of arts and crafts supplies. We have yarn, fabric, paper, canvases, pens, pencils, paints, clay and other sculpting materials, loads of saved lids, rolls, tops, boxes, cases, and other packaging and such waiting for us to be inspired. We will one day be buried alive beneath toppled towers of such things. Well, I don’t want to go out like that, so I have finally, seriously, embraced decluttering.

I started this past Tuesday after we returned from a short trip to the Cape. It was so nice in the cabin, there were enough things there, enough dishes and pots and pans to cook and eat, a couple of games and puzzles, a sane number of books. It was so peaceful not having to deal with what I’ve come to think of as “too many choices.” We didn’t watch shows or fall into our computers much at all. We sat drinking tea and eating bagels on the porch watching humming birds joust for the rights to the feeder. We listened to the wind in the trees and the ocean. We played a few games, we walked on the beach. Obviously, now that we’re home, we have to work and the beach is hours away. I can’t make what we had on vacation our actual way of life but I realized that one of the nicest things about it all wasn’t the ocean or the beach it was the simplicity. There were just enough dishes and utensils so they needed to be washed pretty immediately but even if we left them in the sink there were only so many so it never felt out of control. LIGHTBULB MOMENT!

I came home and looked at all the dishes we have. About 3 full sets of dishes; one that was bought for us as a gift and 2 that we inherited when family members died. We do not need 3 sets of dishes! I packed one set away because one of my kids wants it when/if they move out and get a place of their own and I can’t quite face choosing between the other 2 sets yet, but I’ve organized them in a saner manner for now. They all fit in one cupboard now. I was able to part with about 50% of our wine glasses and over 50% of our mugs. I culled the baking and serving dishes, table cloths, votive holders, decorative … things? I’ve been paring down my wardrobe and my book collection, our games, movies and CDs, even the craft supplies. It’s only been a few days but there is a difference around here already. I’m starting to feel a little less stressed by the clutter because it is shrinking.

Ideally, I’d like to end up with enough books, games, dishes, clothes, towels and so forth to just feel comfortable. I hope at some point to have things pared down to a point where even moving wouldn’t be a huge ordeal because packing would be the work of a few hours or at worst a single day. I know that is unrealistic in the short term so I am trying to set reasonable goals. So far I’ve only been tackling the kitchen, dining room and a bit of the laundry room. I don’t think I’m finished with those rooms but the progress feels good. Getting rid of stuff is good, not bringing it home in the first place has to be something I work toward. I need to STOP bringing home books and yarn especially. I need to find something that soothes me that ISN’T shopping. Retail therapy is awful and it’s only made me more unhappy.

Stuck in the Middle

I’m 52 and, like everyone else, I find myself struggling with life in general. I have 3 kids, 2 in their 20s and 1 who is 17 so they are pretty much grown at this point… only they’re not.

The older 2 are autistic, high functioning and all but, they have these… roadblocks in their way that a lot of young people don’t. My middle child has been trying to learn to drive for years. She’s nearly 23 and no matter how we practice and despite $1,000 in private professional lessons, she is just not even close to being a safe or sane driver. So she’s never been able to get a job. We are in a rural area and she’s been applying to all the places she can walk to, repeatedly, for years. She’s got other issues that factor in to her not getting hired, such as not having any work history and being something of an eccentric. That alone makes me want to weep.

My eldest child is employed, underemployed, by a chain pharmacy. She’s nearly 26 and has gotten her driver’s license and worked in food service and such. She’s more competent and less eccentric and can range out as far as she needs to to find work. She’s got other issues though and with her low-paying, part time job and rents being very high she’s back living with us and tension is rising under the surface. It makes me want to cry.

My youngest will be a junior in high school next year. He has some autistic traits for sure but seems to have a better grasp of how things work and what he needs to do to succeed in life. He doesn’t drive yet but we hope to get his permit this summer. He’s been sort of employed at a couple of paid internships for a few weeks this summer and last. He’s been good with the money he’s earned, even put some into a sort of retirement account. He struggles with organization and has social issues.

All of my kids are struggling with mental health issues like depression, anxiety, and more. We are doing everything we can to help them but it’s exhausting and stressful and progress at getting the older 2 to be functional adults is glacial. My heart is breaking because it’s starting to take a toll on my marriage. Actually, maybe it’s been taking it’s toll for a long time and denial has been my refuge… It’s hard on my husband supporting all of us. I work too, part time and at home. I’m the main cook and housekeeper, the one who drives the non-drivers to most things. There’s school, doctors appointments, therapy, a few activities and such. Other people help with the driving. My husband drives if I’m at work, or my mother, thankfully. There’s so many issues, some I can talk about and some I can’t, not mine to tell.

My husband is way past wanting the older 2 to move out and be independent, WAY, WAY, WAY past. He’s been very patient. My eldest has been out on her own a couple of times. Had apartments with friends and with a partner who turned out to be an abusive jerk. She was so miserable in that relationship that she became suicidal. My middle child struggles socially in ways that I find difficult to fathom and she is very anxious and depressed. Both get overwhelmed pretty easily so I try to help them progress without too much “pushing” I focus on encouragement. Progress is soul-suckingly slow, I might have mentioned. So here I am, stuck between a husband who is cracking under the strain of all that is piled on his shoulders, who wants to push these kids out of the nest, and 2 very vulnerable 20-somethings who I worry would not make it out there. RENT ALONE is too much for either one to handle.

So, I encourage my girls, support them as they try, one is taking classes the other is studying to get a computer certification, one is looking for work, the other is working and trying to get more hours/a raise/a promotion, and I tell my husband about every little bit of progress I see them making. I try to keep things as harmonious as I can around here. I am beyond stressed out and completely spent from doing the vast bulk of all the emotional work. I love these crazy, wonderful people. I LOVE them so much. I’m tired, I’m so tired and wrung out, I just want to lock myself in a place with tea and books and peace for a while, or a few years until this all gets sorted out, but I won’t. I’ll find a way to keep being supportive and encouraging and help all my kids find their feet. Hopefully no one will break during this process, hopefully my marriage won’t be destroyed and my kids won’t end up hating me.

Seriously, when did life get so freaking complicated and difficult? Not that it was a bed of roses, ever, but remember all the fun we had in our 20s? Remember when we were struggling to pay rent and trying to afford to eat something other than pasta all the time but still had beer money? We got restaurant jobs so we could get employee meals that were better than we could afford usually. We had roommates that drove us crazy and wouldn’t pay their long distance bills and left gross things on/in the couch or fridge. We struggled to keep a car on the road, to get a job that could support us. We thought life was super stressful, right? Then we, some of us, had kids and we thought the sleep deprivation days of having babies and young kids was stressful, the ER trips with high fevers, etc, then the kids went to school and there was that, but this? I’m telling you this is so painful and stressful I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Welcome to bummertown. Population: me.