Lessons from the Summer

Summer Reading is over. This year was my first attempt at running a Summer Reading Program. I became a teen librarian in December and felt like I started out several paces behind where I needed to be. It’s been pretty challenging managing the collection and running the teen programs. The first couple of months I barely managed to run the Teen Advisory Board and a craft or two. The YA writer’s group, which had run for a couple of years, was the first casualty of my inexperience. We floundered for a couple of months but couldn’t make it work. I think it might be something that could be started up again at some point.

I thought I was prepared for Summer Reading. I’d helped manage an SRP before as a Library Assistant but being in charge was a whole other thing. The theme this year was Space, more specifically it was: “A Universe of Stories.” So I made a schedule of six sci-fi movies showing one a week during Summer Reading. I also planned six craft workshops, roughly one a week as well. The movies were an abject failure. Virtually no one came to any of them. I think Friday was a bad choice of day and 6pm was an even worse choice of time. Four of my craft workshops were very successful and two were an adventure in frustration and disappointment. The two that failed were knitting and crochet. Tons of kids signed up, and they were very well attended but they were still failures. The kids did NOT learn to knit or crochet. If I ever try either again I will hire a professional instructor and block out more time. OOF. Four workshops went well, 2 of these I hired outside instructors for and 2 I ran myself.

I had a woman come in and teach some hand sewing to which I added suggestions for decorative touches that the kids were very enthusiastic about. We had some neat projects come out of that. The other instructor taught the kids to make some artistic sorts of books and the kids did amazing work. Heads down, working away, making beautiful art. I ran the Galaxy Ts and Space Mug workshops and it was fun, the kids were creative, they left with wearable art and everyone asked for more programming like that. Yay.

Next up I’ve got Harry Potter crafts for August and December, some computer coding workshops run by Holyoke Codes coming up in September and October, also in October I hope to have a sleepover at the library for Halloween. November is a bit up in the air still. I might take it easy and just have a board game night. In December I’m planning on showing the first Harry Potter movie and serving butterbeer. Then 2020 will be upon us. I have been working on it, just a little bit, for months!

Next summer’s theme is “Imagine Your Story” a fairy tale theme. This will be much more of a hit than space/sci-fi with our local teens. Learning from my mistakes this summer, I am not going to have weekly movies, instead I am going to have monthly movies starting in January. Every month I will show a fairy tale themed movie and sort of extend the theme all year long. Also starting in January will be “Book Boot Camp” where we will read a different genre every month and get together to talk about what we liked and didn’t like about it, it’s basically just to challenge the teens to read outside their comfort zones. I’m planning a fairy tale writing contest for the summer as well as a themed escape room and a series of at least five crafts. (NO KNITTING OR CROCHET)

I’ve already written a “How to Write a Fairy Tale” brochure and almost finished my SRP flyer and write ups. I just need an actual schedule of events, and approval for all of it, and I can finish writing it and start working on organizing it. I am not going to be doing anything in a state of last minute panic next summer.

The World is Full of Death & Horror

I don’t remember hearing about mass shootings when I was a kid. Ok, I remember people talking about Kent State and maybe some guy in a bell tower which I think were both kind of ancient history. (to me, as a kid) But these endless mass shootings, at schools, malls, walmarts, churches, fast food places… this wasn’t happening.

We had problems, sure, I remember some tylenol getting poisoned, we had drugs in schools, AIDS was hitting when I was near to graduating… plenty of issues. But I wasn’t afraid to go to school. I wasn’t thinking; “what if I get shot at my school today and DIE?” I’ve got a kid in college and a kid in high school now and I am legit considering buying shit I cannot afford because I am afraid my kids could get SHOT when their big worries should be homework, tests, and if some boy or girl likes them or not. https://wonderhoodie.com/products/bullet-proof-hoodie?variant=13837980827703

Yeah, I have miraculously avoided carrying any credit card debt but I’m considering starting to to afford bullet proof clothing, backpacks, I don’t know… maybe body guards? The world, or parts of it, or whatever, is just so frightening now. I’m hearing all kinds of …rumors? I guess that’s the right word, to avoid large gatherings, weirdly especially walmarts were mentioned which is nutty because that crappy chain is the one thoughtful people who can boycott have been boycotting for years anyway because it sucks in SO MANY WAYS, but apparently is also a massive receiver of EBT purchases and that and these horrible shooters are what? targeting the poor???

It’s too much for me these days. I find myself staying off social media because it’s full of people who don’t understand basic math, science or concepts, many of whom are full of anger, hate and/or fear. I can’t take the world as it is so I go to a safer place: Minecraft. If dodging zombies and creepers becomes too much I can always set it to peaceful for a while and build and farm to my heart’s content. Honestly, I think I’m starting to treat that game like a drug. Fuck it, it’s safe there.

A Wish for Wings that Worked

Not to whine about the past but I grew up in an abusive family situation. As a result I’ve struggled my entire life to be able to trust anyone with anything. It’s been hell on the people around me. My husband has dealt with my panic over small nothings many, many times. We’ve been together over 20 years now and the past several I’ve been mostly chill, meaning my panic has been kept internal, and he hasn’t had to deal with it very much.

Like I posted previously, my mother betrays my trust and manipulates me, apparently for kicks, she demands huge amounts of emotional labor from me and if I try to set boundaries because I am exhausted from being EATEN ALIVE, she flips out. I believe I also posted that I recently laid it all out there, as kindly as possible, and she told my sister that I stopped speaking to her and that she’s “dying.” Lovely. So, since then she’s been posting on FB more than usual, loads of pics of her garden and that, and yesterday she posted a meme. “one of the hardest things you will ever have to do is grieve the loss of someone who is still alive.” Such Fucking Drama. Just begging for attention and sympathy over such heinous mistreatment. I drew boundaries! WTF? So I responded: “That sucks. Who didn’t die?” She want’s to talk about it in public? I have nothing to hide.

Boundaries are healthy and good. I am not some human sponge she can wring and wring and wring until I’m utterly dead and spent. I have 3 kids and a wonderful husband who I actually need to be responsible for. I do not need someone who deliberately sabotages me and fucks me over just to feed some sick need for drama. Gods, it truly sucks having a narcissist for a mother. It’s like growing up in a house without a floor where everything is made of lava. My therapist has been urging me to go no contact for my own sanity and it looks like that might just happen even though it wasn’t my intention at all. I think maybe this whole me “not speaking to her” thing, with the “grieving the loss” BS, calls to my sister, etc, it’s all supposed make me run to her and frantically explain I wasn’t kicking her out of my life, I didn’t mean that at all, omg mom, misunderstanding much? … and then a return to the status quo. Yeah, I think that makes sense, I think that’s what she’s probably doing.

I’m too old for this shit and, more to the point, so is she.

Tears in the Rain

Instead of watching something new to me tonight I watched Blade Runner with my husband who had never seen it. It was as good as I remembered though I’d forgotten some little bits of it. This is still one of the greatest scenes in any movie:

I can’t believe he’s gone. Maybe tomorrow I’ll watch Lady Hawke again, or check IMDB for a movie I haven’t seen yet. I haven’t read anything about his death. I’ve stayed of social media and I didn’t go looking so I don’t know what happened to him, don’t know what’s being reported, I might keep it that way a while. I hope he went out however he wanted to. I know we all have to die sometime and whatever’s next is a new adventure of some kind. He’s not sad now that’s just for the living.

All those moments will be lost in time…

People die every day. I don’t know why I wasn’t expecting this one but I really wasn’t. Rutger Hauer is dead. I feel like I’ve heard an old friend I fell out of touch with has died. I remember right where I saw him first in Bladerunner when I was 15. We’d bought tickets for something else and snuck in. It was an awesome flick, still is. Talking about the movie afterwards my friends and I dubbed him “That Johnny-Perfect guy” because we hadn’t caught his name in the credits. I’ll never forget the feeling that washed over me when Roy howled like a wolf or the crystalline perfection of the “tears in the rain” scene. A few years later I’d see him again in Ladyhawke, a movie I adore for the story while cringing at it’s utterly inappropriate soundtrack, I love him in his role of the hopelessly cursed knight, Navarre.

After high school, with our vast restaurant-job-earned wealth, a friend of mine and I scoured movie rental places for any movie he was in. I’m honestly not sure if I’d call what I felt any kind of crush it was more a sort of fascination. I’m pretty sure he’s not in the running for Greatest Actor of All Time but there was something spellbinding, at least for me, about what he brought to each role I saw him in. Something about the way he wore all those masks that I couldn’t ignore even if I’d never be able to say what it was. He was brilliant to watch and I could rarely look away if he was on screen. And, gods, was he in a LOT of movies over the years. I honestly haven’t kept up with all his work which gives me much to still look forward to. But it’s very sad to know he’s gone and he’ll never make another film again.

So many of my favorite actors from my youth have gone and usually I’ll post something sappy on facebook acknowledging their passing. But Mr. Hauer is special because he was kind of my secret. I couldn’t say a word about him after Blade Runner, because sneaking into R rated movies was more than frowned upon in the house I got through childhood in, but I was silently waiting, hoping to see him again in something I’d be allowed to see. There was no internet back then for me to just hop on to look up a list of his films. I don’t know if there was anywhere we could find out that kind of information in the 80s. The best there was were these cheaply-made books, sort of film omnibuses or something, where you could look up movies by title. Try finding all someone’s work like that, OOF.

Anyway, I’m glad I can just pop into IMDB now and spend some time catching up with my old friend. I’ll probably do what I always do and save one film, or one last episode of a TV show he was in, and never watch it. I have trouble saying goodbye, trouble letting go, letting death have the last word…. well, trouble admitting death has had the last word. Goodnight, Rutger, I’ll miss you.

Things that are Good.

I’m going to write a more upbeat post this time. Looking back over my entries they have a very complainy tone and that’s a little sad because there is an awful lot of good going on in my life! So, on to talking about the things that make me want to get up in the morning.

First, I know I mentioned circumstances have put something of a strain on my marriage but it is still a really great relationship. We are both huge geeks and have had 20+ years of shockingly high compatibility. When we met we were both into LoTR, reading, and RPGs and have had a blast getting each other into new hobbies and fandoms over the years. He showed me Drizzt and Dragonlance, I showed him Doctor Who and Star Trek. We discovered Harry Potter together and GoT, and Firefly etc etc. We’ve been reveling in this amazing age where geekdom is having its day. Movies, TV shows, games, books, and merchandise galore. It’s a good time to be geeky. ^_^ We also share a great deal as far as worldview goes, where we have any differences we respect each other. We’re still crazy in love after all this time too.

Though my kids are a source of stress, and I worry about them constantly, they are also a source of joy. They are good kids, sweet, kind, generous and loving. They are funny and make me laugh and smile. Their progress, while slow, Exists, they are each moving forward and that’s not nothing. I know a few people who are not moving forward, who have basically fallen down, so to speak, and are refusing to get back up. I’m very glad and grateful that my kids are not in that position. They are also each clever and talented at various things. I’m not saying they could pay the bills with their writing, art, etc but they produce lovely things, disturbing pieces sometimes. Their art is not boring.

Our goofy pets. Our earnest, lovable mutt is our clown, confidant, protector and more. She is such a love and such a goofball. I am so happy she is part of our clan. Our 2 cats, one is the boss of everything and will slap us if we get out of line. She doesn’t like us… that’s why it’s sheer coincidence that she follows us room to room and wants to be pressed against us while we pet her. She’s not fooling anyone. Our other cat is just a big old mushy lovebug. climbs all over us, MUST be petted or she will lick you or use her paws to demonstrate how to pet. All of these little beings make me laugh and smile and want to be as awesome as they think I am.

My job. I have a job I actually love. I am so lucky. I work as a teen librarian and I absolutely love it. I manage the Young Adult book collection and run all YA programming at the library. I come up with ideas for workshops and seek out instructors as needed, I try out various activities, and so on. This summer I’m running a series of Arts & Crafts workshops as well as showing sci-fi movies and throwing little parties for the teens. We give out raffle tickets to encourage reading and then draw for prizes. I’m also running a book cover contest which may or may not result in any entries… that’s the nature of YA programming. A lot of the stuff I try might fail. Like my movie series, it’s been me and my family watching and almost no one else! But it’s all fun and it’s all a learning experience for me. I’m still quite new at it. I’ve only been working at this job for about 7 months. I met with the Teen Advisory Board last night and got to tell the kids about my ideas and get their opinions on future programs I might run. I also leave a lot of surveys out in the YA room. It’s hard to express how interesting and challenging and FUN this job is.

That’s probably enough of a sample of what is really good in my life right now. It feels nice to write about what’s going right for once. I’ll have to keep doing it.

Drama Mama as if I needed more…

So, anyone who’s read a few of my posts will know that I have a lot on my plate. I’ve got 3 grown and nearly grown kids, 2 on the autism spectrum, all 3 dealing with mental health issues like depression and/or anxiety. All of them live at home because of the many issues and the fact that wages are low and rent/cost of living is HIGH. That puts financial strain on us and, honestly, a strain on what has been an amazing marriage. That’s enough, right?

No, it isn’t, not for me. I’m an over-achiever in the loaded plate department. While I spend my days encouraging my kids to keep going, keep trying, keep studying, etc, encouraging my husband to keep studying and, as an alternative to some kind of spree, keep working or look for a new job that might not drive him so crazy, (good days are good at his job but bad days are insane) while I drive the non-drivers to appointments, school, to see friends etc, and I go to work, keep up with the house and put meals on the table, there’s a whole other level of stuff I have to deal with.

As if all that I’ve mentioned weren’t enough, I also have a drama-mama to deal with. I’m exhausted every time I deal with her, she demands more emotional work than anyone I’ve ever met, my therapist recommends I cut ties with her completely for my own mental health. She’s not a normal mom who wants the best for her children. There’s something broken inside her. Loads of people have told me, “She’s your mom, you only get one.” “She wants what’s best for you even if she’s made mistakes.” That might be true about most moms, that they try their best and want their kids to succeed and be happy, but there are mothers out there who honestly never should have had kids. Mine is one of them. I’m going to try to not dredge up the past today and just give you the latest example.

I live a 10 minute drive from my mother, my sisters wisely live 1,000 and 13,000 miles away. The other night I got a call from the sister who lives 1,000 miles away. She was calling to ask me if I knew our mother was dying and to ask if it was true that I, and my other sister, are not speaking to her. … … … Of course I knew what this was about. I won’t get into the long history, but I can’t trust my mother and we had a couple of recent incidents. She had a heart valve replaced a while back and was behaving almost like a normal mom for a couple of years, I let my guard down, went to he for a little emotional support. ROOKIE MISTAKE. The first incident I was really upset but I thought, hey, this is on me, I forgot who I was dealing with. So I let it go and kept spending time with her and all that. The second incident was a total set-up. We were having a conversation and she started pushing my buttons, you know, the one’s she installed while she was raising me? Well, she got what she wanted, I eventually raised my voice and gave her the chance to say; “Why are you so full of hate?” I happened to catch the very slight smile she had when she said it, her tiny celebration of her victory over me, well done.

So I gave myself some space from her. This time I was pissed at myself again but also at her. I wasn’t going to walk right by and forget it this time. I’m 52, she’s 73, I’m tired of this garbage. So, it’s been a few months or whatever and she’s noticed there are boundaries in place. (she hates boundaries) So she’s been worse than usual when we do speak, manipulative, trying to get me to say certain things, prying at me for information I am just no longer going to share. The other night she asked if I was ever going to bring my family over for swimming and BBQ ever again. So dramatic. I was supposed to reassure her and say all the things she wants to hear but I’m just done playing her stupid games. I asked; “Do you really want to have this conversation?” She said yes. So I told her that I can’t trust her, that she betrays my confidences, that she manipulates me, etc etc. All said along with things like “I’m not saying this is all deliberate,” “This is how I feel,” and when we got off the phone I said. “I’m sorry, mom, I know that is hard to hear. I love you.”

I know my 13,000 mile away sister recently told my mom not to visit in the fall because she is working and in school and it’s all just too much to have her come stay for weeks at a time. SO, our mother calls our other sister and tells her that supposedly her heart valve is failing and that she will not replace it so she’s dying, and me and little sister aren’t speaking to her. She is 100% lying about us not speaking to her and it wouldn’t be the first time she’s lied about a medical condition to create drama/manipulate one or more of us, so I don’t know what to make of it all. I actually tried to call her just to see how she’s doing and she didn’t call me back so, who’s not speaking to who? Sure, she’s welcome to not return calls, I respect that, but to do so while claiming I’m the one not talking to her? I’m just glad my sister saw right through her. We’ve all been dealing with this, and far worse, our whole lives.

Just for the record, our mother is married and has loads of people in her life, she is able to maintain friendships somehow. Probably because she takes her craziness out on her children, I’m just guessing.

Dungeons & Damsels

Today provided a ray of hope in a dim world for me.

My son, so shy, awkward, sooooo unsure, reached out, ever so slightly to the girl he’s got his eye on. He offered to share his dice tray during the game today when she was having nothing but ill luck. “Use my dice tray. It’s lucky.” Was what he said. She said “thanks” and they each looked down at the table and failed to contain the slightest of sweet smiles.

She’s as awkward and shy as he is. Bless her until the end of time. Her shyness gives him enough hope of not making an idiot of himself to try. Now he just needs to invite her somewhere, needs the confidence to ask her to come to a Renn faire or something. If she says yes then we’ll just need some slight coaching for conversation and offering to pay for her snacks and such. My sweet boy can do it, he can find someone to love in this dark world, I know it. Yes, he has his issues with depression and anxiety but he is also intelligent as hell and funny and kind. (not to mention gorgeous, what a cutie. I’m not biased, you’re biased! ;P )

He also did really well helping the new kid, younger kid, who just joined the game. My lad was patient and kind when I knew this kid was plucking my lad’s last nerve. He did better than my husband did displaying patience gently instructing the kid on how to play. It was pretty adorable. How can I worry so much about this kid? He has such strengths.

And he’s talking to a cute girl! ^_^

This is the first day that really counts as me no longer working 2 jobs. Normally I’d be going in to work soon and today I think I am going to miss the air conditioning. Saturday is also supposed to be a scorcher and I would have been working through the worst of it. I really hope the universe isn’t trying to tell me something…. Even if it is, I made this decision for important reasons.

I’ve been decluttering and cleaning, again, also spent some time watching these kooky videos with my son. I think the series is called “Tier Zoo” or something like that. It’s fascinating and sometimes hilarious. It treats the world as if it were a game and different organisms as character builds. It’s pretty entertaining.

OMG I think I am 3/4 melted in this heat and humidity. I feel so gross. I think I’ll have a cool shower before dinner, maybe one after dinner, definitely rinse off before bed… I’m starting to see the appeal of having a swimming pool despite the expense and the work involved. I’m making some kind of pasta-y broccoli/chicken casserole and a salad. I haven’t made the salad yet but the casserole is ready to bake. Please hold all applause, ha ha.

I’ve cleaned up a lot of random stuff in the bedroom, I’m still probably only about 10% done in there. So much to do. I need to cull my clothes again, and books, and general stuff. The kitchen might be done though. I cleared out a cupboard today and found 4 partial bags of semi-fossilized marshmallows and a bag of fat little biscuits that super weirdly had NOT gotten moldy. They must have been in there a year. Those are some DRY biscuits! I’m so bad at this. I mean, I’m really good at helping other people declutter, walking them through the “do you want to keep this item? Donate it? or is trash?” process until they can handle it on their own, but I have a hard time actually doing it on the scale my stuff requires that I do. I am making progress, I know that, it just feels so slow. I’m going to call my progress “glacial” so I can think about glaciers, big, beautiful chunks of ICE, so cold, so nice. I miss winter so much.

So, I need to get organized and break down my larger goals into smaller pieces. I want to declutter our whole house, yeah, of course, but should I take it room by room instead of doing whatever strikes my fancy on a given day? Would that help? So far I have been donating as I go which is an improvement over the past. Normally there would be boxes and bags of stuff lingering around the house, then lingering in the trunk of my car, and finally, months later, getting donated somewhere. Maybe I deserve a little credit for that kind of progress? Maybe, but there is so much stuff in here it’s crazy. No, there aren’t paths through some mad hoard, but there are a few rooms where it gets close to that bad sometimes. I’m working on it!

Can I ask you guys a question? (ok anther question) How many of you, who are parents, have wanted to or tried to start a family game night? I’ve tried a bunch of times and I think the failure comes down to, well, ME. I’m so tired after dinner I think I take no for an answer too readily. I feel like I don’t have much left to give by the time dinner is over and I don’t want to delve into the more complicated and entertaining games that might entice my family to actually play. Also, my attempts are short lived, I might try for a week or 2 but I tend to drop it after that. From what I’ve read about working with young adults, and from working with young adults professionally, I know that the formula for success is to just keep at it. Like this summer I’m showing movies on Fridays. Only my family came the first week, the second there was one extra young man, the third there were 4 people who attempted to stay, hopefully this week will be better. But they say in YA if you planned 8 workshops and no one comes to the 1st 7, run the 8th anyway. It takes time for teens to decide they want to do something, it takes time for them to trust that the offer is really sincere. I think I need to just apply that at home.

Death of Supermom…& a Toaster

Had a little trouble with the toaster over last night. This morning it flat out just didn’t work at all. It was somewhere between about 17 and 20 years old, it didn’t owe me anything, good innings. My son and I went and picked out a new one and set it up in the kitchen. It looks good, new, shiny, clearly more modern. Smaller too takes up less space on the counter. My Gramma & Grampa gave it to me. They died almost 10 years ago. Which is why I got all teary-eyed over a small appliance.

While we were out shopping and banking and such, I had to get some crochet hooks for a workshop I’ll be running soon, I started to feel a headache coming on. I did everything I could; the lad and I ate, drank water, I took some ibuprofen. We finished our errands and the headache just kept building. I’ve been lying in the dark drinking water, had some more food, took Tylenol and ibuprofen again. This is, of course, a migraine. I’m home and yet still useless to my family. I suppose I did spend most of the day with my son.

So this is me, letting go of broken things, letting go of expectations when I need to, being a woman who takes care of herself, of her health. I used to be very self-sacrificing. There was a time, when I was younger, I pushed myself and took care of everyone else. I prided myself on cooking 3 meals a day, cleaning, making every penny I had dance and sing to keep us all clothed and fed. In my relationship with my then boyfriend (now husband) I made all the work it took invisible to him. I smoothed down everything, kept things harmonious and smiled contentedly though every day and night. If he was happy, I was happy. They were good times, I liked who I was, but I think it was something no one could pull off forever. In my late 20s? No problem, I had loads of energy and enthusiasm and endless optimism. At 52? I need my sleep, I need a break, I need to be closer to the top of my own list.

Who or what do I want to be? I want to be a good mom who helps her kids get their shit together and succeed, I want to be a wife my husband can continue to adore, I want to be really good at my paid job, I want to make a difference. I want to write, paint, and create in general. I want to be an awesome friend to all my lovely friends. I want some peace, quiet and serenity. I would LOVE to never get another migraine, they suck. Is that too many things? Can I not have all that? My job is only part time if that helps.