Windows Open

The sounds of life drifting in through open windows… it has been a long time. There’s birdsong aplenty here by Cold Swamp. So much sweet twittering of finches, the odd, buzzing song of the redwing blackbirds, the piercing call of the hawks, it’s all lovely. The global pandemic is changing the way I look at things, at lots of things, maybe everything. I hear kids out playing with siblings in nearby yards, dogs barking in the distance, traffic going by. I love the sound of the wind in the trees.

I left the windows open all night last night. Our dog was lying on our bed when the coyotes started howling off somewhere. She was all ears for their moonlit concert and so was I. She was alert and tense, focused on her job of defending the borders of our pack’s territory no doubt, but I feel a strange peace hearing their wild calls. The coyote’s song calms and soothes me. I live inside strong walls I am not in danger. I find it comforting that these creatures survive and thrive nearby. It’s nice to live in a place with a semi-functioning ecosystem. Coyotes help keep some kind of balance by hunting deer, rabbits, mice and such and they are needed. Our coyotes are amazing. Around here, before the gray wolves were killed off, the coyotes and gray wolves interbred preserving something of the ancient bloodline of those wolves in their craftier, more fertile cousins. So our coyotes are bigger than some, sturdier, stronger, but they are very much as clever and enduring as any others of their kind. I love them.

But I love almost all animals. I love the little songbirds and the hawks, the turkey vultures and partridges, I love the chipmunks, squirrels and rabbits and even the damn mice that invade my home. I want to live in balance with the world around me. I want there to be space here for all of us. As humans we need to be less greedy about space, we need to find ways to live with the wild creatures around us, they are our kin, they are necessary. I love raccoons, groundhogs, and possums. Bless the tick-eating possums till the end of all! I love the snakes and salamanders, the cute little tree frogs and all their cousins. I love the snapping turtles that wander through my yard and the fierce fisher-cats in the woods. My son and I watched a fisher cat cross our yard a few months back, it was gorgeous, large and fierce, I love it here. We get to see so much wildlife in our own yard. I’ve watched wild turkeys strut up our driveway, deer browsing on the edge of the swamp, hawks and vultures circling overhead, and all manner of birds and rodents flourishing.

So you will never catch me poisoning my yard to deal with pests, you will never see me pulling up the dandelions that feed the bees, what you will see is me planting my feet and arguing strenuously that the only mice or ants that need killing are the ones invading the walls and pantry and that none of the wild things that live outside are doing anything other than what they should. If the rabbits and chipmunks eat everything I plant? Well, that’s on me, besides I am a terrible gardener anyway, at least I’m providing appetizers for someone. If moles and voles and whatever else make a mess of the lawn? I never wanted the lawn anyway. They are terrible ecologically and ours is a crazy mix of grasses, moss and weeds, it’s kind of cool actually. I’m ok with protecting the house and its contents but if a pine marten wants to tunnel around the old stump? Tunnel away little one. Eat mice, grow fat.

I’m listening to a woodpecker rapping away at a hollow tree now. It’s a far lovelier sound that the noise of the cars going by or the power tools in the distance. I think I can hear some ducks out there in the swamp, maybe one day soon I’ll hear the geese returning from their annual vacation. I’ll just be here, quarantining, listening to crazy-quilt symphony of life where the wild things are.

Spring is Here

What a gorgeous day. I made scones and ate them on the deck sipping a small glass of OJ. Glorious. I went out and pulled all the coverings off the plants I tried to protect through the winter, they mostly survived, Victory! I finished a series of 3 small paintings I was making of forsythias. Yay.

A friend stopped by and left my sweet husband some of his favorite beer, Guinness, on the porch and we shouted and waved. Even the dog seemed pleased and she hates all living things. Imagine her wagging her tail at a stranger, from the outside, blatantly breaching our borders!

Last night we heard a MAD amount of sirens blaring. We looked out the windows but couldn’t see anything. It kept getting louder so we went out on the porch and saw loads of blue lights coming slowly down the street. It was a parade of police cars, fire engines, ambulances and more, celebrating all our first responders. We stood on the porch waving as everyone drove by. It was oddly moving. My son asked why did they do that? Um, speaking to someone else’s motivation is a dicey business, but I can only assume that the long weeks of confinement made people want to feel some kind of community, that connection. And I am 100% down with cheering on the people providing essential services at great risk. May the gods bless them.

Later tonight we’re having dinner with friends through Zoom. It’s a crazy life.

Summing up April

We started isolating in early March, we’ve been at this a while, but April is the first full month we’ve spent in lockdown. Every day, beginning to end, all of us were here at home. We’re in isolation but not alone we have each other. March felt more normal than April. I’d been ill, hubby was ill, the boy had his wisdom teeth out. Once I recovered I was home taking care of my husband and son as they convalesced. It felt like something we were choosing to do. It was nice to have excuses to stay home because we were highly concerned about the virus. We were even worried my husband had the virus, he was really ill. The doctors wouldn’t see him, just called every day to check on him, let him know they had no tests, and ask if he needed more meds. It was scary, maybe it was something about all that fear, and the immediacy of my husband’s illness that made March seem less strange. We just weren’t’ focused on that.

April seemed to be more defined by what we couldn’t do. Stuck home, can’t visit people, go to the movies, can’t go out to a restaurant, can’t go to work, stop by a bookstore, get a haircut, kids can’t go to school or see their friends… there are a whole lot of “can’ts.” What we did do was adapt, at least somewhat, to our new circumstances.

We binge-watched lots of stuff. My favorite new show was recommended by my 17 year old son: “Overlord” on Hulu. It’s an anime’ about a guy that somehow gets stuck in some kind of ultra-immersive, futuristic, holodeck-y version of an online multi-player game. It’s for mature audiences and it’s hella cool. It raises a lot of questions and pushes a lot of buttons, it almost lost me a couple of times because of the actions of the main character. It’s complicated, it’s layered, and it really makes me think. On the surface it’s just some dorky anime’ but … watch it and let me know what you think, what you get from it. I hope they come out with a fourth season, I really want to see where it goes, and hopefully find out more about what is actually going on. We also watched a lot of old favorite shows, my comfort watches are likely getting worn out at this point.

As ginormous geeks we gamed a lot. We have a family Pathfinder game, a library Pathfinder game, another Pathfinder game we just started with far-flung friends, a GURPS game, and we’ve played 2 sessions of D&D with some people from our most recent, in-person gaming group. That last one is problematic, sadly, it’s the only one that isn’t being run by either my husband or myself, the only one we are playing in together, and it just isn’t working. The GM is inexperienced and she opted to create her own world and adventure. Her write up about the world was pretty cool, had some interesting politics and history, but the plot of the adventure is, well, weak. She had us make 3rd level characters and we were sent to a tower to remove some bandits, who turned out to be goblins, and to recover items stolen from the townspeople. It was pretty much a cake walk, of course, and therefore it got a little boring. I get it, she’s new to this, it’s tough to know exactly how much to throw at your players to challenge them, but that’s why you start them at first level and follow the DM guide and challenge ratings of the monsters. If fledgling DM issues were the main problem that would actually be fine, everyone starts out there, we all have to learn. But we have a player who is just, quite frankly, awful to play with. He monopolizes the spotlight, rules-lawyers Everything, and just generally bogs down the game and syphons out all the fun. We also rolled up our characters at home and his ranger has a 19 STR, 18 DEX, and 18 WIS… that I know of. I’ve rolled really well sometimes but never that well. I don’t know if I’ll find the time for that game again, it just isn’t fun.

We’ve also cooked a lot, eaten a lot, ordered things online occasionally, had a couple of board games delivered from our local game store. We’re read a bit, worked a lot, taken some classes, crafted a little bit. April was a weird mix of working through structured classes and meandering aimlessly, without focus through everything else. I feel sort of adrift, if that makes any sense. I think we’re all struggling a bit because the world is so uncertain.

But here we are in May, a new month with a cloak of real springtime around her shoulders, and it’s time to take the reins in hand. My library is closed completely for at least the next 18 days and pretty likely through the month and beyond so I’m planning for that. My boss offered to pay for a course we can take as part of a libraries and autism grant and I’ve offered to take it. It will last all month and I have no idea what the course load will be like, but it will count as work so while I’m learning I’ll be getting paid. I’m working on my Pet Month stuff, and planning for a virtual Summer Reading Program, and that sums up work. On the homefront I’m realizing I need to make a schedule for MY chores, I have been falling behind. I used to do all the housework when I was home alone so part of my brain just doesn’t accept that it’s ever time to do that stuff right now: There Are People Here! I’ve also just started getting ahead on my grocery orders. I had been waiting to put together the next orders until after the current ones arrived and we were having some gaps. Right now we’ve got one coming today or tomorrow and one already scheduled for next Thursday, so YAY! no gap!

So, for May, for my own little brain, I will be:

Taking a month long class for our LSTA grant
Creating and running programs for May
Working on our SRP
Making and keeping a schedule of chores for myself
Planning ahead more effectively for groceries etc.
Finding time for Art and Reading to de-stress
Finding a way to schedule in more activities as a family because we are all needing it even though we are tired at the end of the day.

So, onward! Into the merry month of May we go. Happy Beltane, Everyone!

work is a struggle but at least we’re still working…

Day 54 of isolation, here we are, we’re hanging in there. My husband and I are struggling through working from home. He struggles with the mountain of work he has to do, technical glitches, higher-ups who think just because they want something to happen means that something is possible, etc. I struggle with trying to find way to actually DO my job, alternate between excitement over Summer Reading and anxiety that we won’t find a way to make it work, and worry that my job might go the way of the Dodo. I worry about the vendors I’ve contracted with for in-person programs this summer, how are they doing now? What the heck are they living on? I also worry that if, as is most likely, we won’t be able to have them come to our library they will insist that we have breached the contracts and expect to be paid out of a budget that has likely evaporated. I don’t know what will happen with all that, I suspect it is above my paygrade and something my Director will handle.

Focus on the positive bits: what is making me excited about Summer Reading? A demo of some cool software we might use to run our programs virtually. I could completely customize it for our teen patrons, give them the option to leave their thoughts on books they read, allow options for them to see what their friends are reading, (that they want to share) and add little mini games that can be unlocked as they read through the summer. I’m also excited about the Fairy Tale Writing Contest I’ll be running. I’m hoping big to get some submissions on that. Besides upcoming SRP May is national pet month so we’re having people submit art pieces, writing, photos etc of/about their pets. I was thinking of the whole thing as a community wide exhibit on our website, but I think the Director is leaning toward some sort of contest. I’m doing everything I can to connect with the teens and keep programming going, that’s all I can do so I might as well relax and let the rest go.

Everything is still up in the air. We’re all, all of us in the world, sort of holding our breath and waiting to see what happens next. There is no real notion of when we can leave isolation safely and the news out of the places in the world where restrictions have lifted or were never put in place is not good. Sweden is experiencing a very high death rate, other places tried to go back to normal and got savage resurgence of the virus. We need to be so careful no matter how impatient we are for some kind of normalcy.

Day 53, part 2: virus has no heart

We just found out my husband’s auntie, who is mentally disabled and lives in a group home, has Covid-19 and she’s really, really ill. We found out some days back that people in her home had tested positive but she was not ill. She told my husband’s mom, on the phone, that she was really scared. We were worried about her but hopeful she might somehow not get it. You gotta hope, right? But we heard last night she’s got it and she is very sick. She hasn’t seen any family in over a month because of the pandemic and now… and she’s mentally maybe somewhere around 5 years old. She’s sweet and harmless, she loves Disney princesses and… I’m going to cry. No one can go see her, she’s isolated within the group home, it’s just so awful. I don’t know what to do.

We’ve been taking this virus very seriously from very early on, it’s made us nervous, careful, kept us home and disinfecting everything. It’s just getting way too real now and far too sad to bear. May the Gods old and new keep watch over her and comfort her.

Day 53

I need to get outside. Does anyone know how to ruthlessly murder a million ticks without poison? Everytime I go out into my yard, even just to walk the dog I come back with at least one tick on me. It’s horrifying and I hate it. Those things really squick me out! Yeah, I’m probably not going to go outside. But it’s so gorgeous out there… and I should.

Had meetings all day, on Zoom, Meet Up, etc. It looks like summer programming will all be virtual. My state just got another 3 week extension on lock down, which is good, not enough probably, but something. So, now I need to scramble to come up with programming that can all be done online that is engaging, valuable, accessable, etc. We’re looking at how to reach patrons who don’t have internet access. We can do mailings somehow I guess. This new world we’re in is tricky and stressful. I need to work on my stress relief. I don’t know if I will be back working in the library this summer, I don’t know if patrons will be allowed in or not, I don’t know how we can serve our patrons well if they can’t come in to use the computers and printers.

Public Libraries in rural areas like ours provide access to the internet, computers, printers, scanners, fax machines, etc. Some libraries also have 3D printers and other fancy stuff. In our area the library is often the only place some people can use computers or the internet and we get people rushing in at closing time desperate not to miss some deadline, caught between their work schedule, the bus schedule, and our hours. If they make it before we shut the computers down entirely we will try to help them, much as we like to go home at the end of the day, it usually isn’t their fault they couldn’t get to us sooner. (not that I’m super invested in “fault”) Public Libraries everywhere are a safe warm or cool space for people experiencing homelessness to go during the day. We have restrooms, clean water, sometimes even tea available for a donation. If anyone asks me what the donation is I let them know it can be any amount, if they still seem unsure I let them know there is no one policing our tea supply, the Director and staff basically donate it all. The horrid Keurig plastic pollution machine costs $1 cup for whatever one chooses; coffee, tea, cocoa, but there is no one acting as the police of that transaction either. So it’s not nothing that library doors are closed now and I wonder how we will find ways to continue to help our patrons access what they need. We don’t have a supply of loaner laptops or mobile hotspots like some other libraries do. I know we’re working on all this, I just wish I could know what’s coming, I wish I could prepare.

Will I have a job when the pandemic releases us all from our house arrest? I don’t know. I’m seeing a lot of pain coming for a LOT of people, and while I know Public Libraries are a cost-effective way to provide vital services to communities, I also know that they often end up threatened by the chopping block. So right now I am working extra hard to become the best librarian I can be. My online classes are turning me from a whimsical chick who comes up with cool crafts for the kids to do into a kickass librarian who provides more value to the tweens & teens of our community by planning programs built around specific learning outcomes. The great thing is, if I do it right, the kids will learn things that make them think and help them grow and all they’ll notice is the fun and creativity.

can’t stop the falling of the rain

I think a lot of people are reaching some kind of breaking point. The world has gotten weird and nothing is easy anymore. Some people are quarantining alone and I can’t quite imagine that. I haven’t really left the house, except for quick drop offs without interacting with people or entering buildings, since… the first week of March sometime. My husband and son about the same time, my daughters about a week after that. We’re introverts but this is getting to be a little much. I just want to go to a bookstore and wander the aisles and riffle the pages. But I won’t, I’ll be good, everyone is depending on each of us to do our part and stay the F home. I can do that.

I’m worried about some of my friends who are hitting the same wall I am but live alone. I know I get annoyed with the people I live with sometimes but they’re here when I need to see a person, hug a person, play a game, watch a show together, etc. I’m not sure how I’d cope all on my own. Well, I’d always have a cat, let’s be real, if I lived in my car I’d still have my kitty. But even pets are not people, they love you yeah, but they can’t play board games or speak back to you. Well, I guess some people probably have parrots or something but still. Huh, if I was alone with my cat I would probably try to invent a board game she could play with me. It would be like Calivinball the board game because cats are freaking Random. But I am rambling from stress and lack of sleep. I am worried about my friends who live alone, even those with pets, because we are humans and we are not meant to be alone, not for long periods of time like this.

Hey, friends, I LOVE YOU. You are not in this alone even though I am not there with you. If I could I would pop by in a heartbeat with cookies and tea and cuddles galore. We’re all kind of hitting a breaking point, a crisis point I think, right about now. Be gentle with yourself, practice whatever self-care you can; shower, eat, drink some water, take your meds. If you can go outside at all get a little fresh air, chat with a friend, play cards against humanity online, read a book that always makes you feel better, make some art! Bake! You are still here. We are still here. Things are weird and stressful but we do still have each other. We can’t change this situation but we can reach out and find ways to connect better so we can all make it through this.

I love you all so much.

I have Questions

Things are so uncertain. The news is full of insanity like a president recommending citizens inject bleach or cleaners to cure a virus or crazy people demanding the right to go back to normal so we can all risk a horrible death. The news is terrifying when the CDC and WHO warn us that those who’ve had this nightmare disease may well be able to get it again or that people in their 50, 40s, and 30s who get it and don’t even show symptoms can develop a terrible clotting disorder and become utterly disabled or die of massive strokes brought of a type normally reserved for the elderly. So I wonder about a lot of things. When will it actually be safe to go back to work? What will normal even look like whenever we can start rebuilding it? Will covid-19 kill my husband, even if we manage to keep him from contracting it, by making it impossible for him to get the asthma medications that keep him alive?

But I have other, more immediate, questions: Since it’s the apocalypse how much do I have to clean the house? I have all this time now so why am I still unable to relax and read? With all this time how am I finding it difficult to plan a GURPS game for my family? How late is too late to sleep in? When is it too late in the day to remember to shower? I mean, If I don’t remember until after 7pm, does it even count as showering for that day? If I cook 3 meals for everyone one day, my usual now being fend for yourselves for breakfast and lunch but I’ll make a decent, sit-down, dinner, can I take a day? What if no one else knows how to cook? What does it say about me that I had a dream that we got a mad amount of take out from Wendy’s and I was over the moon about it? What day is it? Will I ever be able to buy baking powder again? (It’s really tricky baking without it) Is it Mother’s Day or something? Isn’t that soon? What is all this doing to my son who’s about to turn 18? What about my 20-something daughters? What about my husband and me? I even heard this is all taking a toll on our pets so there’s that to worry about too.

I think this is day 50 of isolation. How are we doing this without going insane? Or are we insane now? Would we know?

Day 48

We’ve got a real pattern going here. We eat pretty well right after we get groceries, there’s fruit and lettuce, milk, cheese oj, we got little cupcakes from the bakery this time. I was missing those darn things so bad! We’ve been home long enough I had to buy conditioner, guess I forgot to have enough of that on hand. So, we got some groceries delivered yesterday so we had fresh bread and salad with dinner the past 2 nights and I got to make the weird mac & cheese I wanted to make. We got apples and oj for the next couple of days at least. I’m trying to space out the good things the little cupcakes will be gone tonight and I will likely wait a day to make the brownies from the mix I ordered. I try to keep a few of the fresh veggies for a few days to liven up an extra meal or two. We’ll be back to pasta, rice, and tuna again before long. Not to complain, it’s good to be able to eat, it’s just less stressful when we have a more normal range of food.

If you need distraction as much as I do: There’s a really cool game for the PS4. It’s called “Journey” and it’s lovely. My friend told me about it and I went to go buy it and it’s FREE on the PS4 in downloads! It took me maybe 2 1/2 hours to play and it was diverting and charming and … just cool. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mU3nNT4rcFg I intend to play it several more times. It only took 15 minutes to download too.

I got 3 submissions to my contest! Feels like a victory to me. There are 3 kids claiming they will log in for the Pathfinder game tomorrow too. I will be on top of the world if that happens. Seriously, that is a huge leap in participation in my virtual programs and I will take it. I’ll be announcing the winner of the contest on Monday and sending out the little prize. ^_^

I’m not feeling well, haven’t been sleeping enough, nausea, headache, just under the weather. Crazy because I have had no exposure to anyone or anything in ages. Could it be allergies? Meh. I hope you are well, I hope you are coping. Stay safe everyone!

Day 46: Boomers Don’t Seem to Get it….

Gross generalization ahead: The Boomers aren’t getting it, the seriousness of this pandemic, they aren’t. To be fair, I’m really speaking about the Boomers in my life, maybe the Boomers in your life are doing better. Let me know, I’d love to hear from a wider sample!

When I say they aren’t taking the pandemic seriously what I’m talking about is my mother, and my husband’s mother, thinking they are being so, so careful when they get together with their friends outdoors, 6 feet apart, in groups of less than 10, just to chat, or so they can all have cake for someone’s birthday. Every time I talk to my mother these days I feel like my head is going to explode. She made 3 cakes for her birthday over that weekend and a few mornings later she let it slip that she had “all her friends over” and they stayed 6 feet apart, outside, and she served them all cake and “it was lovely!” They “completely social distanced.” I explained to her than social distancing is basically for emergencies, it’s for “if you must go out” you should stay at least 6 feet apart, wear a mask and gloves, and wash your hands and never touch your face.

Those guidelines are for anyone who must go out, essential workers, people who need groceries or medicine, people who cannot NOT go to work because they live paycheck to paycheck and their businesses are still allowed to be open. My husband’s mother has done very similar things; spending time by the pool 6 feet from her friends, going out to grab “1 or 2 things” nearly Every Day, and so on. My Dad too, in California, who has a terrible lung disease that is going to kill him in a few years, still goes out and his wife still goes out, way too much, to the hardware store and such or they’d go out of their minds with nothing to do. I am so frustrated with these ridiculous people that I love and don’t want to die sooner than they need to, and Horribly, I could just scream.

My mother wants to bake for us and drop it off. She leaves the house every day and walks in her crowded town on sidewalks where no one yields to each other. She cannot understand why I don’t want to add another risk, however small or large it might be, another possible vector for this virus to get into my home. She hasn’t told my sister that 79 people in her town have tested positive and 22 have died. That’s just the confirmed cases. When people are being found dead in their home they aren’t being tested for the virus, and the cases of people being found in their homes are up 25% from last year in this area. And all I continue to hear from these people is “When can we get back to normal?” Too many of them, and I’m sure other age groups, are trying to do just that way too soon.

It’s cold here today, 37 degrees F, so I’ve got the wood stove going. I’m still trying my best to work and learn from home but it’s getting tough. Lack of sleep is impacting my metal state, memory and so on, not to mention my mood. I snapped at my husband last night in the middle of the night. Something about snoring? It was not ok, understandable? Maybe, but not ok. I need so much sleep, you guys, seriously.