It’s a Weird Week

It’s a weird week so far. My son dropped out of my Pathfinder game, for many reasons, including the fact that he’s in so many games he can’t keep his characters straight anymore, makes me sad.My Director let us know the library is opening in some capacity on August 1st which I find greatly disquieting. A coworker then questioned the need for all of us to stay 6 feet apart all the time, terrifying. On the plus side, I have 2 new players joining my game and that should be a lot of fun.

Side note: I woke up with no inspiration or motivation to bake this morning so there are no muffins. Alas. Perhaps, if it stays cool long enough, I will bake cookies or something later. It’s probably ok to take a day off now and then. Though there is value in habit and inertia is definitely a thing. If I don’t bake today will it be weeks or months until I get back to it? I hate to lose the momentum but I’m tired and stressed today. Probably partly the Benedryl, it does a number on me.

I’m reading Among the Fallen; by N. S. Dolkart now. I’ve barely started and it’s already lovely. I want to sink into it but I can’t seem to focus. My TBR (to be read) pile is just ridiculous and I’m expecting more books any day now. I’ve been watching movies more than I’ve been reading lately, I blame the Benedryl, thank you So Much, Allergies… I watched Rocketman, The Color out of Space, and Doctor Sleep. I actually enjoyed them all. Rocketman started out very surreal and continued to occasionally stray into a dreamlike quality, but it was compelling and the music was great. I thought all the acting was excellent and the story, at times, heartbreaking. The Color out of Space, a Nick Cage movie so my hopes were not high, but it ended up being quite a solid movie. There were odd moments, odd patches of dialog, typical “humans don’t talk like that” moments that happen in almost every horror film, but overall it was creepy and became atmospheric and deeply disturbing. I did get the feeling that there was probably a fair bit of film on the cutting room floor that would have brought the movie up to a higher level though. The hydrologist could have been a more fully-fleshed character if given a little more screen time and I feel like they cut some stuff they thought wouldn’t fly because of how people feel about certain animals. Definitely one of the best depictions of actual Lovecraftian horror I’ve seen and one of Nick Cages better movies. Doctor Sleep was my favorite of the 3 and a great film just flat out. Great acting, cool bad guys, I’d say it’s Stephen King at his best but I haven’t read the book yet so I’m not sure how true the rendition is. A great movie, see it, see all of them, they are all worth at least a few hours of your time.

The morning is slipping away from me. I should probably be cleaning something, or planning something, or, at the very least, be painting something or creating something. I need more time out in my fort to destress and unwind. Now that I work 2 nights a week and we’re still gaming 4xs/week, I feel like we’re always so busy. If I could drop a game I would but it isn’t looking like a very good option. I’ll have to find some other way to loosen up my schedule.

Baking, Work, & Speculation

I baked scones yesterday. With rose petals and pine nuts. I think I’m allergic to pine nuts now. I still don’t feel right. I can’t take more Benedryl because I have to go to work later. Today is going to be less than ideal. Oh well. Anyway, the scones were pretty and quite tasty. I’ll probably have to make coffee cake muffins again this morning instead. Bummer.

This morning I am baking a sour cream streusel coffee cake and it is taking FOREVER. The recipe said 35-40 minutes and it’s been an hour and counting. Oh! I just realized why! My pan is 8″x8″ not 9″x9″…. yep, that’ll do it. It smells so good I can’t believe it. We are going to demolish this thing. I predict a lot of burned mouths due to impatience.

Yesterday’s “allergy scones” (delicious if dangerous) & today’s coffee cake

Verdict is in. Husband gives the coffee cake 10/10 and I think it would be if it were 100% cooked which I don’t think it is…. I will use a 13″x9″ pan next time and bake it for probably about 20-30 minutes. I think it’s worth saving. We’ll see how it goes over with the offspring in a bit, they are all still sleeping. I’m a little bummed the middle isn’t quite cooked. Presumably I didn’t insert the toothpick far enough in? Rookie mistake and you hate to see it.

In other news, my state is going to “stage 3” of reopening today, despite the fact that it hasn’t been long enough for us to see how stages 1 & 2 are affecting infection rates yet. *sigh* We have gotten some calls at the library from patrons who are upset we haven’t opened our doors yet, one said they were going to complain to someone. My Director has said we will not open until our plexiglass shields are installed but I fear she may cave to pressure as people keep barrelling forward. I will quit if it comes to it. Gods, I hate that I have to even consider that. I am watching my friends starting to go out to eat in outdoor seating, resuming getting haircuts, even massage, and I can’t believe it. It seems so clear that the guidelines we are being given through official channels are inadequate, I don’t know how people aren’t seeing that. We wouldn’t have the infection rates we’re seeing if the virus was carried on droplets that are gone in 15 minutes, scientists are telling us it is actually airborne, meaning it can hang there in the air, floating, for far, far longer than 15 minutes. They found Covid-19 in air samples from that cruise ship 17 Days after everyone disembarked.

There are also continuing stories of people attacking store clerks etc, forcibly removing their masks, even breaking their arms. I don’t like thinking that that happens to anyone, let alone that it could happen to me, I wish everyone could just keep it on the road and behave. I like to think of the library as a peaceful place, a relatively quiet & civilized place, a place where assaults don’t happen. But they do. Libraries are for everyone, so we get all kinds, some of bigoted and violent and they absolutely, if they follow library rules while in the library, have the right to check out materials, use computers and so on. I like to think maybe those types will learn something when they visit, that they might gain a broader perspective. That is certainly my wish for them. And yet, because of those types, I am forced to assess the risks to myself in simply going to work amid this pandemic. Once the doors open how safe will I be? Only as safe as the most selfish, deluded patron allowed through the doors lets me be.

So where is the other side of this? I mean, what will the other side of this be when we get there? Do things ever really go back to normal again? Just as they were, as far as handshakes, hugging, attending events, and so on goes? The shocking swiftness of the spread of this disease makes me think we would be unwise to ever return to what we used to call “normal.” If the next disease to spring into being is as contagious as this one, has a similar, long incubation, but also has a higher death rate like some others we’ve seen, say 30%? It will be an unstoppable, global calamity. I’m not freaked out about that idea, I’m just looking at what we’ve got in Covid-19 and thinking about other related infections like MERS. We may or may not see a disease that is that “perfect storm” of highly contagious, stealthy, and deadly, but we certainly cannot rule it out. What am I hearing this morning? Bubonic plague in Mongolia? Brain eating amoebas in Florida? Is anyone keeping track of the giant murder hornets in the Northwestern U.S.?

This is why I hide my poor, tired brain away, it’s hard to hold onto any kind of metal balance if one stays adequately informed about the world. So I paint, and I bake, and I read, and, most of all, I game. I become other people, in other worlds, I stride around like a badass and conquer all my problems head on. It’s nice when problems are imaginary and can be solved with a few good die rolls. I wish I could bring about world peace & social justice with a few natural 20s in diplomacy. I wish I could conquer world hunger by creating a gathering of Druids who could travel the world creating adequate food and clean water for everyone. Crazy diseases? Meet these fine clerics of Iomedae or Desna! Boom! Solved. I wish. So, I keep hiding in my little home life, in my books and games and such.

Dream of a Colorful Life

Cooler weather means baking and more cooking in general. I made chocolate chip coffee cake muffins for breakfast this morning. Muffins for motivation! The boy needs to start getting the computers processed for his dad this morning. My poor husband, he just cannot do it all, there is too much. Thankfully the school agreed to pay our lad to clean them up and process them through. Gives the boy something to do, some structure for his days for a while , and gives him the boost of earning some money. I think I will make the weird bean soup for lunch again. I made it last week and it was a hit so maybe it will be again.

Yesterday I got a fair bit accomplished despite spending the day waiting for the doctor to call which they never did. I did a ton of cooking and prep, did laundry, dishes, got the groceries and such, cleaned the yard and told the lad that I am bloody tired of cleaning up dog droppings in all the places I have repeatedly told him Not to walk her. Basically, anywhere we are likely to walk is not a great spot, especially as we walk in our own yard in the dark sometimes. I picked and dried a ton of roses, made rose powder which is basically dry, pink food coloring with a sweet, floral flavor. I’m hoping for a big crop of mint too, but we’ll see.

Been trying to bolster my husband’s morale. Trying to get him to see that, in my opinion, he doesn’t have to be trapped by his job. He can embrace the idea of “fuck it” and go for what he wants. I know he’s right that we need insurance and that we wouldn’t last long without him having a steady income, I know, it’s 100% practical. But, he shouldn’t hate his life, you know? I’m not saying he just yell; “I QUIT!” and storm off, fun as that would be, I’m saying work on a real escape plan. He’s applying to places and that’s awesome, but if we drop one of our games he could use that time to work on a creative project that could be an outlet for him, that might or might not become anything in the future… but it might, and he will never know if he doesn’t try. What if he kept this job and was able to make a little money on a side project? What if that side project lead to another and another? Even if completely breaking free of regular work doesn’t happen, being able to make some money at fulfilling, creative work would shift the dynamic for him. He might feel freer to pursue a job with less hours, for less pay, maybe we could still get employer insurance until the broken health system gets fixed.

Even though it’s probably a silly dream, I think about us living a smaller, more flexible life. What if we could get our expenses down and our savings up to the point where we could live on a very small income? What if I could sell paintings and handicrafts, work at the library part time. Maybe he could work part time sell some of his creative projects? What if we could grow a lot of our own food? I know there would be a lot to think about, I get how impractical I am. But if we just stay on the well-worn path… where the hell does that get us? I’m tired of being fenced in, stifled, trapped on a crazy hamster wheel of boredom and frustration. I think my husband is WAY more tired of it than I am, I think I’m more tired of watching him deal with it. The craziness of modern life, the hurry, hurry, hurry, the full to bursting schedules, the lack of community, it’s all awful and soul-deadening. There is a way, or there are a million ways, to break free and I am going to find one that works for us.

Reality bites, so I will create a new one. It will be more beautiful and creative and fulfilling. A life worth living, where we make memories and have experiences worth talking about. I want us to both have the time and freedom to learn new skills as we want and need to. I want my sweet, hardworking husband to have enough free time that he isn’t paralyzed by choice anymore. He was working full-time (40-60 hours/week) while going to school 1/2-time (10-20 hours of work/week) for over 6 years. During that time he lost the ability to … know what he wants to do at any given time. He had so little time to call his own, he never made a choice, he’d end up scrolling FB, staring at TV or spending hours on a video game only to regret it later. I think any of those things has their place but he was falling into them by default and feeling like he wasted what little time he had. When school ended he was unable to figure out what to do with his free time for quite a while. We eventually settled into tabletop gaming, a little reading and such, but these are sort of default settings for us. With the extra workload the pandemic has forced on him he’s overwhelmed again. I just want him to have the ability to relax, unwind, let go of the stress and do something that makes him happy. I’d love it if he could be rewarded, get that insane morale boost of having his creativity valued by others.

Daily Slice of Dystopia

May you live in interesting times. That statement is allegedly a Chinese curse and I have to say that times have gotten well past “interesting.” The Covid-19 pandemic is coming under control in many places but it is still raging across the US. A few states seem to currently be experiencing less new case but others are seeing rates skyrocket. Things are supposedly getting better in my state so the governor is saying certain places can open up in certain ways but these phases of reopening are much too short. We aren’t giving each phase enough time to see the actual impact on number of cases before starting the next phase. I think we are headed for disaster. We may get there more slowly than some places, but disaster is the destination.

I have 3 grown children living at home unable to go out and look for jobs because of the risk of exposure to the virus. They are all on the Autism spectrum and the older 2 have always had trouble finding work, my middle child has literally never been employed except for work-study at the local community college, the oldest has been hired in restaurant and by a pharmacy chain in the past. At this point neither has worked since March. I came up with an idea so they could do some work over the summer that would save us money and gain them a useful skill: they can scrape and paint our house, or at least most of it. They are going to watch youtube videos to learn how and start at the back of the house for practice. We’ll get all the supplies, of course, and pay them a small stipend because it just wouldn’t be at all fair otherwise. I’m hoping that learning the skills and having the experience will give them both a boost in the confidence dept. and that having an income of some sort again will lift their spirits. It would be epic if either of them could go on to get work as a house painter. Anyway, that’s my scheme for the girls.

Our son has had a short gig as a paid intern for a few weeks the last 2 summers that has been amazing for him. My husband had been asking for an intern to take care of the returned student laptops each Spring. It is low-level work that includes physical cleaning, sticker removal, etc, checking them in, sorting out and shipping the ones that need to be repaired, and cleaning them out of all user information. It’s something that can be learned with maybe an hour of training and not something the Director of IT should be doing, especially when his workload is through the roof. So 2 years ago his immediate boss was suddenly on board and suggested our son could do it as he had just turned 16 and wouldn’t it be a cool experience for him? Heck, yeah! Our lad enjoyed it very much and has been shockingly good at not spending the money he’s earned. Unfortunately, they are balking at hiring anyone to do it this year. It’s insane, my husband is drowning in work, his assistant is drowning in work, and the internship is minimum wage. Further, we have all the stuff here already and having the lad do the work keeps us safe as much as is possible. Hopefully they will decide to let the kid do the work.

Meanwhile, I am back to work, and my husband is basically being told that he will have to work on campus when they reopen in the Fall. That right there is assuming a lot. It’s assumes we won’t be back in lockdown by the Fall, that there won’t be massive travel restrictions to and from the US, etc etc. It sucks that they are asking to come back to campus. He is seriously at risk for the virus, it is an international school, and he has proven conclusively that over 90% of his job can be handled remotely… except during certain brief spans of time that require him to accept of return physical objects on a frequent basis. I am furious that they told him “even if there were positive cases of Covid-19 on campus” he “should definitely still be on campus.” It is lovely that have agreed to go ahead and install all the protections he has asked for in his office, and agreed to all the procedures he has insisted on for no direct contact with staff or students, but then they tell him he will still have to go to offices and classrooms to fix projectors, printers, and other things. !!! So, he’s protected in his office (which is right by a direct entry/exit point to outside) but then he’s supposed to just walk through halls to rooms with staff and students in them? What sense does that make??? He suggested they hire a temporary IT intern to handle these things because they are very low-level anyway and he will be going nuts in the Fall trying to finish the database conversion on top of all the usual stuff (WAY too much stuff) he has to do. They suggested they could buy him a HAZMAT suit. Utter insanity.

Everyone is tired of the restrictions, everyone is tired of face masks, handwashing, social distancing, and all of it. It sucks. But is all very necessary to try to stop what is shaping up to be a horrifying tidal wave of horrific illness and utterly miserable Death. Everywhere I go I see people without masks, not that I am out and about, I’m talking about driving to work, the drive thru at the pharmacy, dropping off our household trash, and gassing the car. There are way too many people not taking this seriously. And my state is one of the better ones for this sort of thing! We are going to see number of infections rising in the next few weeks and I am going to stay home again no matter what the governor recommends even if it means I lose my job. I am not bringing this damned thing home.

Dystopia is here. This is where we are. We have a virus on the rampage and even though we are tired, bored and completely over it, the virus isn’t. It is not tired at all and it is spreading at every chance it gets. Even people with very mild cases of it are at risk for some extreme complications for a long time after the infection has faded. This thing is no joke and if you think herd immunity is some kind of answer I suggest you research the ‘black death,’ the Bubonic Plague that ravaged Europe all those centuries ago, that is what herd immunity looks like. Relying on herd immunity without a vaccine is UGLY and it reflects the utter and abject failure of the leadership of this nation to protect its citizens. They knew for months this was coming and did nothing. Now they are literally asking and expecting the American people to die for their mistakes to save the economy, to make economic numbers look better so the monster in chief can get re-elected. It’s all a fucking game to him and to his ultra-rich cronies and they view the rest of us as disposable pawns.

Not Digging Phasing Back to “Normal”

We’re easing back into the work routine, it’s going fairly well, despite one abusive patron already, during my second shift back. Keep it on the road lady, I haven’t used the system or tried to locate a book or dvd in months! Oof. I have caught up with making all the flyers I need to and am working on assembling materials for the take-home crafts, and packets of information for the contests I’ll be running and things like that. I’m learning all the new protocols, all the new procedures, etc, even as we wait to phase most of it out whenever that happens. I’m enjoying being back in the building, being among the books, getting to casually chat with a coworker, even at a distance and through our masks. I’ve got my new materials budget starting next month, it’s been slashed, but I will make do. I’ll hunt for what bargains there are to be had, solicit more donations of gently used books, etc. That’s all good. And yet I am still contemplating quitting my dream job.

I get stressed out having to go there, stressed by the extra steps we need to go through to track curbside pick up, stressed trying to talk on a phone through a mask, while the phone slips against the mask as I try to use the computer, stressed by all the cleaning, the cleaners make my skin peel, the gloves make my hands wildly sweaty and uncomfortable, I’m just very stressed by work right now and by the pace at which people are rushing to “get back to normal” without adequate time between steps to see what impact the lifting of restrictions will have on virus spread. They are just going to create a new surge of this horrible virus and we are all going to be forced to quarantine again. 😦

Stress is a big factor in my negative feelings toward working, but it isn’t the only factor. I got used to a new, softer rhythm of life, I have been able to be a better wife, better mother, better pet-mom, vastly more prolific artist, and despite all the stress of the pandemic a generally happier person in a bunch of ways. I had more time to read, more time to learn new things, I liked it. Normalcy kind of sucks. Being stressed, rushing places, having to plan dinner for my family and a stupid, sad separate dinner for myself. (usually a couple of granola bars and some water for me. bleh) Not working allowed me to reach out, online of course, and keep up with my friends more, connect in new, untried ways that have turned out to be hella cool. I feel more of a sense of community with all my friends than I did when we were all rushing out to jobs all the time, driving kids around, constantly running errands and busy, busy, busy! Not that I was idle at home, I mean now I am cause it’s a billion degrees out, but I was painting, writing, working from home, cooking a lot, reading, planning, dreaming, just living. And it was good.

We’ve been lucky, we’ve been able to continue to work from home through this nightmare, we have been getting paid when others have been laid off temporarily or permanently, lost their insurance and suffered hunger while not being able to pay their bills. We have friends who are struggling through this and it’s just so stressful. We help where we can but I wish we could do more. I want to fix all the problems and it sucks that I can’t, that I have to choose where I feel like we can make the best impact at any given time. When the virus comes roaring back and we are all forced to go back home I think it might be worse the second time around. Folks that lost jobs will probably still be out of work and how are they supposed to eat and live if our damn government doesn’t support its citizens? Doesn’t ban evictions and suspend the machinery of rent and mortgage collection and tell the greedy utilities they aren’t allowed to shut people off? If our government was more functional we would have universal health care, a strong safety net, and much else that the rest of the civilized world already has. We need to fix that!

Blogging for Sanity

I can’t believe what I am seeing in the world, in my country, in my neighborhood. We’ve got a global pandemic of a disease that is just a shocking nightmare, millions, upon millions of people out of work with no income and no health insurance, no freaking FOOD, and since the safety net’s been gutted there is almost nothing there to catch them. Food banks are screaming, crying, and begging for help to try and meet the need to keep families from starving to death in the richest country in the history of the planet… while billionaires are having to find extra help so they count all the profit they’ve made while hundreds of thousands of Americans die. Aside from not having the money for food, people can’t pay their rent/mortgage, they can’t pay their electric bills, or their car insurance, and the list goes on.

Some of these threats are more immediate than others, deadly disease and hunger/malnutrition are clearly top threats, but if you lose your home how TF are you supposed to protect yourself from the virus? We are all sick and tired of being shut up at home. I want to go out to a nice meal I didn’t cook and don’t have to clean up after, I want my kid to get their blood-work done, I want us all to see the dentist, we were supposed to go in April, I want to be able to go swimming, to have the kids come into the library for programs, etc, etc. But the virus is NOT tired, the virus is fine, it is out there feeling energetic and virulent, eager to infect everyone. It is a perfect storm of a virus:

Highly Infectious
Long Incubation
Asymptomatic Transmission
Horribly Miserable for those who get a “bad case” of it
Multiple, awful issues connected to it like multiple organ failure, severe clotting, etc.
Having “Recovered” may still mean you need a lung transplant even if you were healthy before you got it, dying of a heart attack even if you were healthy before, dying just when it looked like you were about to recover. Most of these can happen even to people with mild or NO symptoms.

But somehow a whole bunch of people have decided they are just “over” this whole virus kerfuffle and are just going to traipse back out to have their hair and nails done, get massages, eat at restaurants, go to bars, go to parties, etc, etc. I 100% get the people who are desperate to get back to work because they have bills they can’t pay or are facing hunger, they are weighing the risk of disease against eating, having shelter and water, medication, etc. They are not being stupid they are desperate. They shouldn’t be in that position. Our government should have responded to the threat of this pandemic sooner and provided clear, medicine and science-based leadership. Yes it would have been nice if China had been more honest and not downplayed the threat but if I, a geekly housewife/part-time teen librarian and mom, could hear the news coming out of China and see the videos of workers in hazmat suits spraying the streets down and know that it wasn’t adding up. If I, with my limited information, and limited resources could see the threat coming and start preparing in January, which I did, I think our government could have, and bloody well should have, seen it coming and fricking prepared.

They are giving away tax cuts to BILLIONAIRES while Americans go hungry, WTF? They should be taxing the wealthy more so they can support everyday people who need money to pay for food and rent so our country can freaking SURVIVE this crisis. They could and should be pushing through a completely socialized medical system Right Now, covering everything. They are LYING when they say it would be too expensive, the prices we, as Americans pay for health services and medicines are inflated often by orders of magnitude. That’s part of the deal of single-payer health care, the government helps set the prices of everything. That’s why ambulance rides all over Europe cost an average of $30-50 while we pay upwards of $2,000 for the exact same thing.

But instead of doing anything sane like all of that, they have decided that instead of dealing with the situation, instead of protecting the American population, they are just going to send everyone back out there and hope not too many people die. But that is a lie. How can they pretend to care how many people die while actively inflaming their extremist supporters not to wear masks? While claiming the news, and scientists, and liberals are hyping the whole thing up just hurt the President? While the President and his cronies wander around without masks on? Holding big rallies with no social distancing? It seems like they don’t care at all if it spreads, or if millions die. What do they care about? Money. Money for them, money for billionaires, more and more and more money while people are dying. And people of color are dying at a higher rate while police seem to kill them in broad daylight without consequences. And Native Americans are dying too. I have heard the infection rates on reservations are appalling. How can this be 2020 if Black Lives Matter is a controversial statement?

And yet, here we go, pushing everything to go back to normal so infection rates can rise and spike and our hospitals can be overwhelmed and we can experience a truly nightmarish situation. I am back to work now, in a closed building, with a million precautions in place. I am lucky, lucky, lucky that my boss, and the trustees, and the town are taking this virus so seriously, and yet I am still terrified because getting this virus is not an option. I cannot bring this thing home to my family, to my severely asthmatic husband, to my daughter with damage to her heart. I am still considering quitting my dream job because once the doors open at all we can say patrons have to wear masks all we want but how are we supposed to enforce it? I wish everyone would just show compassion for others and wear the damn masks. I hope that right now we are changing the world and ending the extreme racial inequity in the United States and around the world. I hope that we can fix things. I hope my country can survive this time of multiple, horrible disasters. I’m not exactly sure what the alternative looks like but I know it’s something I do not want to see.

The Meh, the Good, & the Work to be Done

My first day back at work was demoralizing. I don’t remember how to do anything and there are new procedures for EVERYTHING. I feel like an idiot. Checking items back in now has so many steps and I’m not even talking about the quarantining and cleaning. Since there is no interlibrary loaning going on now we have to check in each item, cancel any transits that come up, turn on check in modifiers and re-check-in. Then we need to turn off the check in modifiers and scan the next item. It really slows things down. We are also not even half-way through with the deep cleaning of the entire library and need to keep up with that. We are each supposed to complete one task from the list per shift so I cleaned the staff freezer last night. We have a whole new list of procedures for curbside pick-up that includes a spreadsheet that confuses the heck out of me and delivery as well. Last night was a lot and I felt overwhelmed. I love this job, I love this job, I love this job. I also have real concerns about when the doors open and being exposed to the virus that sometimes necessitates lung transplants in formerly healthy people. #wanttostayhome

In better news apparently the U.S. Supreme Court opted to protect LGBTQ workers from being fired for being themselves. YAY! That is awesome. I mean, so much more work to be done to create a truly free and equal society for all people, but it’s good to see some decent decisions being made these days. I am also really heartened by seeing the turn-out for Black Lives Matter and Black Trans Lives Matter rallies. We need to keep this going and make real change happen. We need to fix everything that’s broken and make things truly great for all of us.

I’m trying to sort through my own programming/attitudes/beliefs/etc, and learn how to become a real ally for all marginalized people right now. It’s a little overwhelming when I think of it that way, actually, so I’m trying to figure out one step, then a next step, learning how to listen, how to put my feelings in their place so I can keep listening when things get uncomfortable. Right now I’m mostly doing a lot of reading and watching videos and things. I know I will make mistakes I’d just prefer not to storm out there like some giant water buffalo making every mistake.

We all need to do whatever we can to support justice and equality for all. I thought I understood how bad things were for Black Americans but I am finding out that what I know was a fraction of what has been going on. I’m sure I don’t even have the full picture yet, may never be able to fully comprehend how entrenched, institutionalized racism impacts and has been impacting non-white communities, even so I can learn to help, to work for a better world, a just world where people are all treated fairly and with actual human respect.

104 days of isolation. I’m not ready to go back.

20,000 new cases in the U.S. every day… again, and I have to start back to work today. I am an animal undergoing stress. We have been so careful and have been waiting this out as best we can and now I am supposed to go back to work and raise our risk of exposure when it isn’t safe at all. I’ll be in the library with one coworker, always the same coworker for every shift, with lots of protocols and precautions in place. It’s good, it’ll be fine, it’s ok. No patrons will be allowed in but we are supposed to manage curbside pick-up for people. It’ll be ok.

I’m freaked out mostly because I see so many people out there without masks. They walk up and down my street in groups, they jog, bicycle, and walk their dogs. People like my mother have been having “socially distanced” gatherings all along, rejected their masks because they didn’t feel like they could get enough air, and still say they have “zero exposure.” I trust almost no one who assures me they haven’t been exposed. People are just way too casual about this virus and believe, without actual proof, way too many things about it. Much of my husband’s family just believes that Vitamin D will keep them from getting it, tons of people are assuming it will die down in the summer and are behaving accordingly. I’m not saying they are wrong I am saying we don’t know so we should not rush out there and risk being filled with regret.

In all seriousness I do not think there is an upper limit to the number of times I am going to have to answer the same damn questions for my mother. “Is hubby back to work yet?” Answer: No. He will not consider going back until September. “Are the kids getting out to see their friends or looking for jobs?” Answer: No. They will not consider doing so until at least September. I also hear about (from my mother) everything everyone else is comfortable doing now. Mom sees her friends “with social distance,” my sister had her in-laws over, this or that place is open for business, her friend did X, Y, or Z. Well, they can all go ahead and do that, that is up to them, that is what they are doing, I will do what I feel is wise. Does she think I am going suddenly say; “oh so-and-so is doing that? Sign me up! That changes Everything!” I get exhausted dealing with her for over 10 minutes these days.

So, I am going back to work today. Stressed, with a headache, but, and I am dead serious about this, without a bra. I cannot begin to express how awesome it is to have gone 3 MONTHS without wearing one of those torture devices and I am not going back. I will find a way. Masks are uncomfortable but at least they serve to help protect me from an actual threat, I will wear a mask without complaint. Let me add that I totally get that some women like bras, I assume, or need them because they serve an actual function for them. To quote a badass babe; “That’s not me.” My boobs are not of sufficient magnitude to warrant outside support. That said, I think I need to find some sort of substitute to hide certain, mercurial little aspects of said boobs, but I am determined to get that sorted.

Belatedly I am realizing that there are a number of logistical problems I need to sort out before I can go to work today: (yes, I am sitting here blogging instead of jumping on those problems)

I need an outfit I can decently wear without a bra that isn’t basically pajamas.
I need to make or figure out something for dinner that someone else can make without too much risk-factor.
I need to figure out some sort of dinner for myself that I can bring to work.
I have to remember/figure out all the things I need to bring with me to work so I can get stuff done once I get there.
I have to hope I can still drive in the dark.
I forgot to call and get my car looked at for what is hopefully a muffler problem and
I need to get my oil changed.

Usually making lists calms me down. This one is not helping.

Another Day in the Apocalypse

Today has been a real mixed bag.

I went to the library and was only mildly anxious, just a little lightheaded getting out of my car, walking to the doors, and using my key to get in. It felt slightly surreal, I definitely found myself with my head on a swivel watching for anyone who might suddenly round a corner and be too close. That felt a bit like a zombie movie to some small corner of my brain, made me feel more anxious, but I got inside, found my boss, and had my performance review. It was, overall, pretty excellent, so that helps. I have things to work on but that will be true until I’m in my coffin pounding on the lid in frustration at all I did not get to finish. Unless I become a vampire, then I’ll just nap and get up and get back to it. Oh yes, I have a plan ready for if I become a vampire, just like I have a plan in case of zombie apocalypse. You gotta be ready.

So, the procedures in place at work look good, reassuring, lots of masks, lots of cleaning, lots of precautions in place. Lots of distance, and no rush to let patrons back into the building. The town is determined to go slowly and safely and if we can’t be open to the public safely we won’t be open. My incredible boss also said that if I need to take a sick day I can take a sick day. Everything as usual, just inform her with as much notice as possible and no need to tell her what I am sick with. She said too stressed to come in counts. Gods, she makes me want to be my best lbrarian-self. Permission to rest makes me want to try harder.

Good news/Bad news: On top of my locker I found a bunch of paystubs. I arranged for direct deposit before the shutdown so it’s just a bunch of papers for my records… or so I thought. It seems my direct deposit didn’t go through, they are all actual checks! So, neato, we have more money than we thought we did because we can deposit all these, but bummer because totalling them up has revealed to me how little I actually bring home every quarter. Yeah, I am not contributing as much as it felt like I was, not monetarily anyway. *sigh*

I went to hang out in my art studio/hippie fort and finally made the call that I am wildly uncomfortable with the height of the huge inflatable mattress in the loft so now I have to return it. It’s so high it’s made the loft claustrophobic for me and the cord doesn’t reach the outlet once it’s inflated. Highly inconvenient and makes me not want to hang about out there and write/paint/etc. Very sad. Now we can’t sleep out there until we can get a replacement…. again. I’m finding less mice in the traps, yay, but the one’s I’m finding have been partially eaten by ants and other mice: Disgusting. So so icky. Also, I didn’t know there were ants out there so bummer on that. On a happier note I brought some audiobooks and more music out there so when it feels more hospitable again I am going to be loving it out there. ^_^ Another plus is that a replacement inflatable mattress will be cheaper than the crazy-sized one we have now. YAY! I love spending less on what I actually want!

It’s cooler now, I should make dinner.

Returning to Work & Escapism

I will be heading back to work next week and I am full of the most mixed of feelings. On the one hand; Yay! I miss the library, I miss my coworkers, I am tired of webinars, and working in a vacuum. On the other hand; I can wait to see the library, I will only be seeing one of my coworkers at all for an unknown period of time, I will still be taking webinars, and I don’t want to be the reason that this horrible virus gets into my house and threatens our lives, especially my husband who is vulnerable to it.

My game starts Friday, I hope, haven’t heard back from everyone yet, and it will be my birthday. ^_^ Quarantine Birthday, didn’t even take the sign down from my son’s party yet. I think I will make my favorite box cake: Yellow w/ Chocolate frosting. Yum! My Instacart shopper managed to score me some little bitty Breyer’s ice cream cups, Oreo flavor, so this will be an epic event. I expect my husband has ordered me a book or two and I intend to spend the day prepping for my game and painting. I am very much looking forward to it.

Tonight we launch a game called “Hell’s Rebels” in Pathfinder 2e (adapted) and I am very excited about it. I’ve made an urban druid who lives in the undercity and looks after strays and orphans. I guess things are going to get pretty crazy but hopefully I can protect my charges. I know we will essentially be up against the Thrice Damned House of Thrune so I assume we will all die in the end. We’ll be in good company anyway.