I am Not OK Right Now

Well, it looks like we have a date to start allowing patrons into the library. It isn’t 100% firm but it’s the first time a date has been floated. August 1st, just a few weeks away. My only hope is that the rising tide of cases, and they are already on the rise, will kill this horrible plan.

My son’s school is saying they will be open in some hybrid fashion, having half the students attend at a time. What an utterly FUBAR situation. It will a hellscape of chaos for working parents for sure and I’ve been to the school, seen their narrow halls and small classrooms, there is no way, even with half the kids, that they can maintain social distance. And who is doing all the endless extra sanitizing? The overworked teachers? With what money will they pay for extra janitorial hours? Oh, or will they task the kids with cleaning? That will go well! Again, my only hope, for not having to switch my son to a virtual school, is that they come to their damn senses because of the increasing cases.

This was in my feed yesterday from a poster called Zac Bears “Massachusetts is approaching an “R” of 1 for the coronavirus, meaning exponential community spread will restart! Wear a mask, stay within your bubble, and take all precautions. We aren’t immune from irresponsibility in other states!” And here is a link to what that means: https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2020/05/covid-19-what-is-the-r-number/ My MIL is in Florida and the hospitals are just about at capacity with this nightmare. We joke with her; “don’t get sick! don’t get hurt!” But it isn’t a joke at all. The worst thing that could happen to her is anything that would cause her to need to go to a hospital.

My work is asking us to self-monitor for Covid symptoms and not come in if we have any… completely ignoring the vast numbers of asymptomatic carriers who can spread this thing. I am disheartened, I am depressed, I am stressed out as much as I can stand to be. And I am being asked: “What concrete steps can we take that would make you feel safe at work?” I don’t have an answer that keeps the library open. I think we should all be in lockdown, at home except for essential trips for food, medicine and the like. I think that is the only way we contain this. I think it is the only path to safety. I don’t want to go out in public, too many people refuse to wear masks, it isn’t safe. And now we have the CDC changing their guidelines because of the temper tantrums coming out of the WH. So we can’t even trust the CDC… at a time when we desperately need trustworthy information.

I am not okay right now.

It’s a Weird Week

It’s a weird week so far. My son dropped out of my Pathfinder game, for many reasons, including the fact that he’s in so many games he can’t keep his characters straight anymore, makes me sad.My Director let us know the library is opening in some capacity on August 1st which I find greatly disquieting. A coworker then questioned the need for all of us to stay 6 feet apart all the time, terrifying. On the plus side, I have 2 new players joining my game and that should be a lot of fun.

Side note: I woke up with no inspiration or motivation to bake this morning so there are no muffins. Alas. Perhaps, if it stays cool long enough, I will bake cookies or something later. It’s probably ok to take a day off now and then. Though there is value in habit and inertia is definitely a thing. If I don’t bake today will it be weeks or months until I get back to it? I hate to lose the momentum but I’m tired and stressed today. Probably partly the Benedryl, it does a number on me.

I’m reading Among the Fallen; by N. S. Dolkart now. I’ve barely started and it’s already lovely. I want to sink into it but I can’t seem to focus. My TBR (to be read) pile is just ridiculous and I’m expecting more books any day now. I’ve been watching movies more than I’ve been reading lately, I blame the Benedryl, thank you So Much, Allergies… I watched Rocketman, The Color out of Space, and Doctor Sleep. I actually enjoyed them all. Rocketman started out very surreal and continued to occasionally stray into a dreamlike quality, but it was compelling and the music was great. I thought all the acting was excellent and the story, at times, heartbreaking. The Color out of Space, a Nick Cage movie so my hopes were not high, but it ended up being quite a solid movie. There were odd moments, odd patches of dialog, typical “humans don’t talk like that” moments that happen in almost every horror film, but overall it was creepy and became atmospheric and deeply disturbing. I did get the feeling that there was probably a fair bit of film on the cutting room floor that would have brought the movie up to a higher level though. The hydrologist could have been a more fully-fleshed character if given a little more screen time and I feel like they cut some stuff they thought wouldn’t fly because of how people feel about certain animals. Definitely one of the best depictions of actual Lovecraftian horror I’ve seen and one of Nick Cages better movies. Doctor Sleep was my favorite of the 3 and a great film just flat out. Great acting, cool bad guys, I’d say it’s Stephen King at his best but I haven’t read the book yet so I’m not sure how true the rendition is. A great movie, see it, see all of them, they are all worth at least a few hours of your time.

The morning is slipping away from me. I should probably be cleaning something, or planning something, or, at the very least, be painting something or creating something. I need more time out in my fort to destress and unwind. Now that I work 2 nights a week and we’re still gaming 4xs/week, I feel like we’re always so busy. If I could drop a game I would but it isn’t looking like a very good option. I’ll have to find some other way to loosen up my schedule.

Blogging for Sanity

I can’t believe what I am seeing in the world, in my country, in my neighborhood. We’ve got a global pandemic of a disease that is just a shocking nightmare, millions, upon millions of people out of work with no income and no health insurance, no freaking FOOD, and since the safety net’s been gutted there is almost nothing there to catch them. Food banks are screaming, crying, and begging for help to try and meet the need to keep families from starving to death in the richest country in the history of the planet… while billionaires are having to find extra help so they count all the profit they’ve made while hundreds of thousands of Americans die. Aside from not having the money for food, people can’t pay their rent/mortgage, they can’t pay their electric bills, or their car insurance, and the list goes on.

Some of these threats are more immediate than others, deadly disease and hunger/malnutrition are clearly top threats, but if you lose your home how TF are you supposed to protect yourself from the virus? We are all sick and tired of being shut up at home. I want to go out to a nice meal I didn’t cook and don’t have to clean up after, I want my kid to get their blood-work done, I want us all to see the dentist, we were supposed to go in April, I want to be able to go swimming, to have the kids come into the library for programs, etc, etc. But the virus is NOT tired, the virus is fine, it is out there feeling energetic and virulent, eager to infect everyone. It is a perfect storm of a virus:

Highly Infectious
Long Incubation
Asymptomatic Transmission
Horribly Miserable for those who get a “bad case” of it
Multiple, awful issues connected to it like multiple organ failure, severe clotting, etc.
Having “Recovered” may still mean you need a lung transplant even if you were healthy before you got it, dying of a heart attack even if you were healthy before, dying just when it looked like you were about to recover. Most of these can happen even to people with mild or NO symptoms.

But somehow a whole bunch of people have decided they are just “over” this whole virus kerfuffle and are just going to traipse back out to have their hair and nails done, get massages, eat at restaurants, go to bars, go to parties, etc, etc. I 100% get the people who are desperate to get back to work because they have bills they can’t pay or are facing hunger, they are weighing the risk of disease against eating, having shelter and water, medication, etc. They are not being stupid they are desperate. They shouldn’t be in that position. Our government should have responded to the threat of this pandemic sooner and provided clear, medicine and science-based leadership. Yes it would have been nice if China had been more honest and not downplayed the threat but if I, a geekly housewife/part-time teen librarian and mom, could hear the news coming out of China and see the videos of workers in hazmat suits spraying the streets down and know that it wasn’t adding up. If I, with my limited information, and limited resources could see the threat coming and start preparing in January, which I did, I think our government could have, and bloody well should have, seen it coming and fricking prepared.

They are giving away tax cuts to BILLIONAIRES while Americans go hungry, WTF? They should be taxing the wealthy more so they can support everyday people who need money to pay for food and rent so our country can freaking SURVIVE this crisis. They could and should be pushing through a completely socialized medical system Right Now, covering everything. They are LYING when they say it would be too expensive, the prices we, as Americans pay for health services and medicines are inflated often by orders of magnitude. That’s part of the deal of single-payer health care, the government helps set the prices of everything. That’s why ambulance rides all over Europe cost an average of $30-50 while we pay upwards of $2,000 for the exact same thing.

But instead of doing anything sane like all of that, they have decided that instead of dealing with the situation, instead of protecting the American population, they are just going to send everyone back out there and hope not too many people die. But that is a lie. How can they pretend to care how many people die while actively inflaming their extremist supporters not to wear masks? While claiming the news, and scientists, and liberals are hyping the whole thing up just hurt the President? While the President and his cronies wander around without masks on? Holding big rallies with no social distancing? It seems like they don’t care at all if it spreads, or if millions die. What do they care about? Money. Money for them, money for billionaires, more and more and more money while people are dying. And people of color are dying at a higher rate while police seem to kill them in broad daylight without consequences. And Native Americans are dying too. I have heard the infection rates on reservations are appalling. How can this be 2020 if Black Lives Matter is a controversial statement?

And yet, here we go, pushing everything to go back to normal so infection rates can rise and spike and our hospitals can be overwhelmed and we can experience a truly nightmarish situation. I am back to work now, in a closed building, with a million precautions in place. I am lucky, lucky, lucky that my boss, and the trustees, and the town are taking this virus so seriously, and yet I am still terrified because getting this virus is not an option. I cannot bring this thing home to my family, to my severely asthmatic husband, to my daughter with damage to her heart. I am still considering quitting my dream job because once the doors open at all we can say patrons have to wear masks all we want but how are we supposed to enforce it? I wish everyone would just show compassion for others and wear the damn masks. I hope that right now we are changing the world and ending the extreme racial inequity in the United States and around the world. I hope that we can fix things. I hope my country can survive this time of multiple, horrible disasters. I’m not exactly sure what the alternative looks like but I know it’s something I do not want to see.

The Meh, the Good, & the Work to be Done

My first day back at work was demoralizing. I don’t remember how to do anything and there are new procedures for EVERYTHING. I feel like an idiot. Checking items back in now has so many steps and I’m not even talking about the quarantining and cleaning. Since there is no interlibrary loaning going on now we have to check in each item, cancel any transits that come up, turn on check in modifiers and re-check-in. Then we need to turn off the check in modifiers and scan the next item. It really slows things down. We are also not even half-way through with the deep cleaning of the entire library and need to keep up with that. We are each supposed to complete one task from the list per shift so I cleaned the staff freezer last night. We have a whole new list of procedures for curbside pick-up that includes a spreadsheet that confuses the heck out of me and delivery as well. Last night was a lot and I felt overwhelmed. I love this job, I love this job, I love this job. I also have real concerns about when the doors open and being exposed to the virus that sometimes necessitates lung transplants in formerly healthy people. #wanttostayhome

In better news apparently the U.S. Supreme Court opted to protect LGBTQ workers from being fired for being themselves. YAY! That is awesome. I mean, so much more work to be done to create a truly free and equal society for all people, but it’s good to see some decent decisions being made these days. I am also really heartened by seeing the turn-out for Black Lives Matter and Black Trans Lives Matter rallies. We need to keep this going and make real change happen. We need to fix everything that’s broken and make things truly great for all of us.

I’m trying to sort through my own programming/attitudes/beliefs/etc, and learn how to become a real ally for all marginalized people right now. It’s a little overwhelming when I think of it that way, actually, so I’m trying to figure out one step, then a next step, learning how to listen, how to put my feelings in their place so I can keep listening when things get uncomfortable. Right now I’m mostly doing a lot of reading and watching videos and things. I know I will make mistakes I’d just prefer not to storm out there like some giant water buffalo making every mistake.

We all need to do whatever we can to support justice and equality for all. I thought I understood how bad things were for Black Americans but I am finding out that what I know was a fraction of what has been going on. I’m sure I don’t even have the full picture yet, may never be able to fully comprehend how entrenched, institutionalized racism impacts and has been impacting non-white communities, even so I can learn to help, to work for a better world, a just world where people are all treated fairly and with actual human respect.

I have more questions… &… money stuff.

Here we are on what I can only assume, based on what it feels like, is day One Million of the apocalypse, and I find myself pondering in circles again. I have to go back to work soon and it’s already feeling way too “back to normal” for my lizard brain which is still informing me forcefully that the emergency is still going despite appearances. I am not ready, and much as I love my job, I don’t know if I ever really will be. On to some questions I can’t answer!

When will it be safe for my daughters to go find jobs again? I cannot freaking imagine.
Why am I so jumpy? I’ve barely seen anyone outside my little family in about.. 400 years (?) so how am I not calmer?
How can I still not be finding time to play board games?
How come a guy can come mow the lawn, pull some weeds and chop down a few bushes and somehow the yard is double the size it was?
How did I get such an awesome husband? Seriously, he GETS me and still wants to hang out with me. Crazy.
It isn’t 5:00 yet and the leftovers of a bottle of Pinot Grigio have me tipsy, since it’s the apocalypse this is 100% ok.. or no?
What ale is best with breakfast? asking for a friend. (it’s me)
How can I have this much anxiety???
Why is my dog so stinky? I thought they cleaned themselves like cats, no?
Why does my hippie fort calm me down so much? what the hell is up with that? I walk in and in minutes I’m a happier, calmer, way more relaxed version of me. I don’t get it. It’s like 30 yards from the house!
What am I going to make for dinner tonight? Oh yeah? What about TOMORROW????? And repeat because this one never ever ends and I don’t know WTF to do anymore. *deep breath* I’ll think of something. I am shockingly resourceful.

Money: So, just before the pandemic hit our tenant told us she was pregnant and moving out. So, I think her last month was February and the apartment has been empty since then. We charge a fairly low rent for our area, made to seem even lower because it includes everything except phone, internet, cable and that. We cover heat, electricity, and hot water. The heat and hot water are oil/steam/whatever, but none of that has gone down without a tenant, really, and yet with us not going anywhere, or ordering food in much at all, we’re making slight but noticeable gains. (???) It’s weird. But then I mention it to my husband and he’s says we haven’t been spending $240/month on gas for the cars. What the hell? I never thought about how MUCH that added up to! We have cut back quite a bit on meals out, I’d say we’re at maybe 2Xs/month (delivered) down from 1 or 2 Xs/week at about $50-$100 each thoughtless time.

Shopping: I no longer shop extreme bargains as a matter of course. I don’t shop really at all, I have no number to add to this, but I will say that ordering online makes me more thoughtful, more deliberate. I feel anxious out in public and I think it makes me rush into decisions. That may mean I was more impulsive in spending, just wanting to get it over with to get back home. I am carefully curating lists for myself for things that will actually add value to my existence that I will need to shop for, find free or whatever once some level of safety from mad viruses returns. This pandemic has shown me that I can actually comfortably do a real shopping ban and I intend to do just that, I mean, I’m sort of already in one, mostly, anyway.

Yeah, so, I need to think about what kind of goal we might set, because not having one has just left us adrift doing what seems cool at the moment, and that is just Not Cool. If we don’t get clear about what it is that we want how can we ever get it? What are your goals? What are you working towards? What do you want out of life? Feel free to answer in the comments, I am also asking myself.

Update from Isolation

Well, my work is now closed but we’re being asked to come in anyway which is a little weird. I don’t think my boss wants me there as she said in a previous email to stay away “if you or anyone in your household is sick in any way, shape, or form” so that’s good. I really hope she doesn’t want me to come in, I do not want to go out and be near any people at all. There are 5 of us here at the homestead and that’s plenty of exposure for now.

Our daily life is different but not shockingly so. We’ve always been rather indoorsy we just don’t leave for school or work now. We are going to bed a little later, sleeping a little later, not much though. Dinner is still between 5 and 6 pm and being eaten at the table as a family. We are completing regular chores, doing a lot of extra cleaning, and starting to add scheduled reading times, family meetings, and gaming times. We’re working on getting prescriptions and perishable groceries delivered too. The dear dog and the need for firewood keeps us from staying completely inside and we’re thinking of starting up a few more outside chores and just making sure we don’t have any outside contact.

We have friends who are still not taking this seriously and I cannot believe it. One friend told us he and his wife have had “zero exposure” they have 4 jobs between them, 2 office jobs and 2 public food service jobs. Um, Dude? You do not have “zero exposure.” My mother, 73 years old with a heart condition, is still visiting friends and attending church. She even showed up here to return a vase. WTF, Mom? If you don’t want to hang onto it throw it away! Recycle it! Don’t show up where people have been asked to self-quarantine because of potential exposure! I know this is disruptive, I know it sucks, but we have to stop the spread of this thing.

Battening Down the Hatches

Well, it seems we’ve made the call. My son’s school has closed and is gearing up for online learning, my husband is/has been working from home while ill, we’ve stopped taking my middle-est daughter to school and are hoping they will let her learn online so she can graduate in the spring, my eldest tried to get time off from the pharmacy she works at but they said she could come in as usual or lose her job so she lost the job, and I am hoping like crazy that my boss keeps being supportive of my NOT going in to work. At this point, with no way to know what my husband is ill with we are either protecting others from getting Covid19 or we are protecting my very vulnerable husband from it. I did not imagine having to make a call like this until very recently. Life has gotten weird.

We’re as stocked up as I could get us. I built up our supplies of TP, pasta, rice beans, tea and other staples, froze a bunch of chicken and beef, a little bacon, got ahead on toothpaste, soap etc. we have board games, video games, rpgs, and tons of books and art supplies. I also made sure to have cat food and litter to last a while and plenty of dog food. I think we can lay low for a month or two without going crazy or suffering privation. We’ll see how it goes I guess. schools are closing, sporting events are cancelled, library programs are being cancelled, companies are telling people to work from home, hand washing instructions and videos are popping up all over and social distancing is being encouraged widely.

i don’t think we’re overreacting, we are calm and making the best calls we can on all of this. When my daughter quit her job we had doubts, we felt awful, but then we saw a video where a Doctor with 30 years experience talked about why this disease in particular has him worried. There was a situation he was involved with where 13 people were exposed to this virus and all 13 contracted it, something he has never seen before, all 13 got it and 3 ended up in the ICU, 2 are still there. If my husband doesn’t happen to already have this thing there is no way in hell I am letting him risk getting it. He has terrible asthma, just shockingly bad. We’re already doing everything we can for him outside of a hospital setting and his doctor wants us to hold the course. The doc calls daily, sometimes more than once, to check on him. We’re in limbo here and we’re making the best calls we can day by day.