My Uncle died yesterday morning, on his daughter’s birthday as if dying with so little warning wasn’t traumatic enough, my poor cousin. I’m heartbroken for her, her children, my other cousin, my other uncles, my mother and my aunt. He’s the first to go of his generation in my family. I am having feelings but I couldn’t describe them accurately if I tried. The whole thing is surreal. I didn’t see him often, maybe a few times a year in a good year, so it won’t change very much in my day-to-day world but it leaves a lot of things unsaid, unresolved.

There was a big upset when I was still little, at my grandmother’s birthday gathering, at our house. My uncle got very upset over something, supposedly he was jealous that my mother’s inexpensive present to Gramma got a bigger reaction than his expensive present, so this uncle grabbed one of my other uncles and took off. When they came back they had alcohol with them, beer I believe, and that wasn’t allowed at family gatherings for some reason, so my grandfather raised his voice at these 2 uncles and the uncle who just died grabbed his wife and kids and stormed off in a huff. He prevented all contact with the whole family for several years. I couldn’t see or talk to my cousin and I didn’t understand what the hell was going on. When he decided to have contact with the family again there was no explanation, no discussion, let’s just pretend all that never happened. That has never been good enough, it’s bullshit. I mean I know my grandfather raised his voice over the beer thing, and I’m sure that humiliation is why this uncle took off that day, but was all this idiocy started because my mother’s gift was more thoughtful and more well-received? That seems flimsy to me. Plus, my mother is the person who told it to me so it is immediately suspect. She lies like it’s breathing, like the lies she tells keep her alive, and she doesn’t admit anything that makes her look bad so there could be a lot of things she might want to hide. I don’t know though, and now I think I might never know.

So I’ll remember him best for that, for taking my cousin away and not allowing us to see each other or talk to each other for years. I’ll remember him too for being one of 2 uncles who utterly ruined the piddly-ass, bullshit gathering we had to spread Gramma & Grampa’s ashes, several months after they were killed. I will remember him for not allowing a single moment of silence, of reflection, not one single moment for so much as one meaningful word before he and my other uncle unceremoniously dumped my grandparent’s ashes into the river, not even allowing all of us to arrive on the bank. “They didn’t want any funeral!” He and the other uncle snarled when everyone expressed shock and dismay over their actions. I am still furious every time I think of it. I waited months, there was no funeral, no memorial, just as my grandparents wanted. I wasn’t the only one who expected a moment of silence and perhaps a little sharing of memories, nothing formal, nothing to violate their wishes. My memories of him are not fond ones. The brother who always leapt to be his partner in crime also remains not one of my favorite people. The both of them have always seemed to me to be harshly rules-oriented people without the kindness that can make such people decent and good. There seemed to be no mercy in their strict attitudes. Other people have had different experiences of my late uncle, and of the one still here who always helped him. I’m glad.

I guess, not having known him well enough to have anything much beyond these stark experiences, I guess I won’t really mourn him. He wasn’t much a part of my life and most of what I remember of him isn’t very pleasant. I feel like I should be sad to lose him but I only feel sad for the others who lost him. I guess they had good times with him, good experiences, happy memories. I only have what I mentioned above and fleeting memories of brief shallow conversations at family gatherings, and briefer, perfuntionary hugs. I never had a real conversation with him so what could I find to miss? For myself, not a lot. For my cousins, they lost their father and I hope that he was a decent one. I hope he was kind and patient with them, I hope there is a lot to miss. I hope he was a good husband and A tremendous loss to my aunt. I hope he was thoughtful, kind and supportive to his little family. I hope he is missed and mourned. I wish I had seen his good side, been allowed to know him more, it’s too late for that now. This is what I have and I’ll do with it what I can.