Baking, Work, & Speculation

I baked scones yesterday. With rose petals and pine nuts. I think I’m allergic to pine nuts now. I still don’t feel right. I can’t take more Benedryl because I have to go to work later. Today is going to be less than ideal. Oh well. Anyway, the scones were pretty and quite tasty. I’ll probably have to make coffee cake muffins again this morning instead. Bummer.

This morning I am baking a sour cream streusel coffee cake and it is taking FOREVER. The recipe said 35-40 minutes and it’s been an hour and counting. Oh! I just realized why! My pan is 8″x8″ not 9″x9″…. yep, that’ll do it. It smells so good I can’t believe it. We are going to demolish this thing. I predict a lot of burned mouths due to impatience.

Yesterday’s “allergy scones” (delicious if dangerous) & today’s coffee cake

Verdict is in. Husband gives the coffee cake 10/10 and I think it would be if it were 100% cooked which I don’t think it is…. I will use a 13″x9″ pan next time and bake it for probably about 20-30 minutes. I think it’s worth saving. We’ll see how it goes over with the offspring in a bit, they are all still sleeping. I’m a little bummed the middle isn’t quite cooked. Presumably I didn’t insert the toothpick far enough in? Rookie mistake and you hate to see it.

In other news, my state is going to “stage 3” of reopening today, despite the fact that it hasn’t been long enough for us to see how stages 1 & 2 are affecting infection rates yet. *sigh* We have gotten some calls at the library from patrons who are upset we haven’t opened our doors yet, one said they were going to complain to someone. My Director has said we will not open until our plexiglass shields are installed but I fear she may cave to pressure as people keep barrelling forward. I will quit if it comes to it. Gods, I hate that I have to even consider that. I am watching my friends starting to go out to eat in outdoor seating, resuming getting haircuts, even massage, and I can’t believe it. It seems so clear that the guidelines we are being given through official channels are inadequate, I don’t know how people aren’t seeing that. We wouldn’t have the infection rates we’re seeing if the virus was carried on droplets that are gone in 15 minutes, scientists are telling us it is actually airborne, meaning it can hang there in the air, floating, for far, far longer than 15 minutes. They found Covid-19 in air samples from that cruise ship 17 Days after everyone disembarked.

There are also continuing stories of people attacking store clerks etc, forcibly removing their masks, even breaking their arms. I don’t like thinking that that happens to anyone, let alone that it could happen to me, I wish everyone could just keep it on the road and behave. I like to think of the library as a peaceful place, a relatively quiet & civilized place, a place where assaults don’t happen. But they do. Libraries are for everyone, so we get all kinds, some of bigoted and violent and they absolutely, if they follow library rules while in the library, have the right to check out materials, use computers and so on. I like to think maybe those types will learn something when they visit, that they might gain a broader perspective. That is certainly my wish for them. And yet, because of those types, I am forced to assess the risks to myself in simply going to work amid this pandemic. Once the doors open how safe will I be? Only as safe as the most selfish, deluded patron allowed through the doors lets me be.

So where is the other side of this? I mean, what will the other side of this be when we get there? Do things ever really go back to normal again? Just as they were, as far as handshakes, hugging, attending events, and so on goes? The shocking swiftness of the spread of this disease makes me think we would be unwise to ever return to what we used to call “normal.” If the next disease to spring into being is as contagious as this one, has a similar, long incubation, but also has a higher death rate like some others we’ve seen, say 30%? It will be an unstoppable, global calamity. I’m not freaked out about that idea, I’m just looking at what we’ve got in Covid-19 and thinking about other related infections like MERS. We may or may not see a disease that is that “perfect storm” of highly contagious, stealthy, and deadly, but we certainly cannot rule it out. What am I hearing this morning? Bubonic plague in Mongolia? Brain eating amoebas in Florida? Is anyone keeping track of the giant murder hornets in the Northwestern U.S.?

This is why I hide my poor, tired brain away, it’s hard to hold onto any kind of metal balance if one stays adequately informed about the world. So I paint, and I bake, and I read, and, most of all, I game. I become other people, in other worlds, I stride around like a badass and conquer all my problems head on. It’s nice when problems are imaginary and can be solved with a few good die rolls. I wish I could bring about world peace & social justice with a few natural 20s in diplomacy. I wish I could conquer world hunger by creating a gathering of Druids who could travel the world creating adequate food and clean water for everyone. Crazy diseases? Meet these fine clerics of Iomedae or Desna! Boom! Solved. I wish. So, I keep hiding in my little home life, in my books and games and such.

104 days of isolation. I’m not ready to go back.

20,000 new cases in the U.S. every day… again, and I have to start back to work today. I am an animal undergoing stress. We have been so careful and have been waiting this out as best we can and now I am supposed to go back to work and raise our risk of exposure when it isn’t safe at all. I’ll be in the library with one coworker, always the same coworker for every shift, with lots of protocols and precautions in place. It’s good, it’ll be fine, it’s ok. No patrons will be allowed in but we are supposed to manage curbside pick-up for people. It’ll be ok.

I’m freaked out mostly because I see so many people out there without masks. They walk up and down my street in groups, they jog, bicycle, and walk their dogs. People like my mother have been having “socially distanced” gatherings all along, rejected their masks because they didn’t feel like they could get enough air, and still say they have “zero exposure.” I trust almost no one who assures me they haven’t been exposed. People are just way too casual about this virus and believe, without actual proof, way too many things about it. Much of my husband’s family just believes that Vitamin D will keep them from getting it, tons of people are assuming it will die down in the summer and are behaving accordingly. I’m not saying they are wrong I am saying we don’t know so we should not rush out there and risk being filled with regret.

In all seriousness I do not think there is an upper limit to the number of times I am going to have to answer the same damn questions for my mother. “Is hubby back to work yet?” Answer: No. He will not consider going back until September. “Are the kids getting out to see their friends or looking for jobs?” Answer: No. They will not consider doing so until at least September. I also hear about (from my mother) everything everyone else is comfortable doing now. Mom sees her friends “with social distance,” my sister had her in-laws over, this or that place is open for business, her friend did X, Y, or Z. Well, they can all go ahead and do that, that is up to them, that is what they are doing, I will do what I feel is wise. Does she think I am going suddenly say; “oh so-and-so is doing that? Sign me up! That changes Everything!” I get exhausted dealing with her for over 10 minutes these days.

So, I am going back to work today. Stressed, with a headache, but, and I am dead serious about this, without a bra. I cannot begin to express how awesome it is to have gone 3 MONTHS without wearing one of those torture devices and I am not going back. I will find a way. Masks are uncomfortable but at least they serve to help protect me from an actual threat, I will wear a mask without complaint. Let me add that I totally get that some women like bras, I assume, or need them because they serve an actual function for them. To quote a badass babe; “That’s not me.” My boobs are not of sufficient magnitude to warrant outside support. That said, I think I need to find some sort of substitute to hide certain, mercurial little aspects of said boobs, but I am determined to get that sorted.

Belatedly I am realizing that there are a number of logistical problems I need to sort out before I can go to work today: (yes, I am sitting here blogging instead of jumping on those problems)

I need an outfit I can decently wear without a bra that isn’t basically pajamas.
I need to make or figure out something for dinner that someone else can make without too much risk-factor.
I need to figure out some sort of dinner for myself that I can bring to work.
I have to remember/figure out all the things I need to bring with me to work so I can get stuff done once I get there.
I have to hope I can still drive in the dark.
I forgot to call and get my car looked at for what is hopefully a muffler problem and
I need to get my oil changed.

Usually making lists calms me down. This one is not helping.

Random items of progress and frustration

It’s been a big day so far. We had to take trash and recycling to the transfer station and buy more bags from them. Our town sells town branded trash bags for $2 a piece instead of a flat fee for the year. I like it because it motivates me to produce less trash. Then, because the tree by the driveway has been going just crazy and the car has barely moved, we took the car to no-human-interaction car wash to clean it off, then realized we needed gas too so we took care of that too. That is as big an outing as we’ve had in a month. Crazy. While we were out about 90% of the people we saw out walking and doing things (seen from the relative safety of our sealed car) did not have masks on.

I’ve continued to work on my shed, using things we already own, junk I chucked in the basement and things like that. I’ve got more lights out there now, and I brought out loads of art supplies and a string of purple lights. I found a bunch of teas in metal tins at the back of the tea cupboard and brought them out there, it’s nice to have a variety and these teas haven’t been seeing any use. They are also distinct from the teas I use in the house so it creates more of a feeling of getting away. Most of them are blends I created myself too, makes me feel good to consume things I had a hand in creating, or to use things I created, I love that feeling.

This far into the day and I have no idea what dinner will be. Bad mommy. LOL. At this point I am so burned out on cooking it is just crazy. I don’t know what to make! I am so sick of having to decide, having to come up with stuff, it’s so relentless. I mean, not ALL the time. Some times, especially right after we get a delivery of groceries, I feel inspired and excited to cook again, for a night or 2, sometimes for a breakfast and lunch or 2. I look at what we have and I want to make stuff again. A few days later and here I am… uninspired, cranky, and ready for anyone else in the world to do the cooking. I forget to thaw things on time, I forget to order key ingredients or they just aren’t available… what is that? My whole life has been lived with the potential to just go and get anything, maybe I couldn’t afford to do that, but the foods were all there. I wanted a couple of cans of lentils the other week and the store was out of them, lentils. Nothing in my life prepared me for how utterly weird that is. That’s the kind of story my parents used to tell us kids about Russia. Like supposedly Russian people would wait in a line forever and ever and just get whatever the hell they were selling or giving out or something, because communism. (hold on, I need to add lentils to my order again, see if I can get any)

In 24 hours, or thereabouts, I have cut back on web surfing, TV and so forth. Proving nothing, anybody can do anything for a day. We’ll see how I get on. I think our savings are about to dip again, we had to have the septic system cleaned out, omg so expensive, and we need to pay all our bills again. One of our bills actually went up $10/month for no reason, the jerks just want to charge us more so we’re stuck with it. WTF? I thought we weren’t supposed to have monopolies in this country. To keep not spending money, as I want to do, I need to plan some kind of dinner tonight. Ummmmmmmmm…. I suppose that’s a question better answered or pondered in front of the open pantry.

Isolation: Day 71

I think I need to have a talk with my phone about covid-19. We’ve been self-isolating since early March and my phone keeps relentlessly informing me that I am less active than I was last year. Is there like a setting? Or something? Like a quarantine setting so the phone knows that unless someone buys me a treadmill or whatever I am just not going to get in all those juicy, juicy steps? Or can we maybe kind of just get the phone to read the headlines and stuff?

Mostly yes I am just not walking around as much as I did in the pre-pandemic world but part of it is also that I am home 100% of the time and don’t feel compelled to keep my phone on me at all times. My phone isn’t recording so most of my running up and down the stairs, with laundry and such. Maybe it would be less concerned about me if I just started keeping it in my pocket all the time? Is it me? Am I the problem here? It’s phone neglect isn’t it?

So tomorrow a bunch of businesses are going to open back up apparently. I won’t be going to any of them because OMG it is so not safe to be trying to get back to any kind of normal yet. I’m seeing cases spiking about 3-ish weeks after all these other places start easing restrictions, Texas has something like 1,000 new cases a day now? We’ll probably see that uptick in Georgia any day now too. South Korea and Germany are having issues, China’s having issues, returning to normal seems like FUBAR situation where it’s being implemented.

Traffic’s already picked up around here. I see loads of people out walking, biking, etc. without masks. The people running the transfer station keep their masks off and some people seem to take it as some kind of slight that we refuse to approach them. I know my mom thinks I’m crazy because I won’t visit with her but she has been anything but what I would consider careful during this whole thing. I’m not visiting with anyone except the people I live with. This is disease and you’re not just taking the risk of seeing that one person, it’s that person and anyone they may have come in contact with, and anyone those people had contact with, and so on, and on, and on. This virus is dangerous and weirdly unpredictable. It has so many effects that seem to be a part of it or that are associated with it in some poorly understood way. The clotting this is scary. The multiple organ failures-thing is scary, and these things can happen after folks seem to have recovered. Screw that noise. I’m feeling pretty good about staying home as long as I am able to.