Day 53, part 2: virus has no heart

We just found out my husband’s auntie, who is mentally disabled and lives in a group home, has Covid-19 and she’s really, really ill. We found out some days back that people in her home had tested positive but she was not ill. She told my husband’s mom, on the phone, that she was really scared. We were worried about her but hopeful she might somehow not get it. You gotta hope, right? But we heard last night she’s got it and she is very sick. She hasn’t seen any family in over a month because of the pandemic and now… and she’s mentally maybe somewhere around 5 years old. She’s sweet and harmless, she loves Disney princesses and… I’m going to cry. No one can go see her, she’s isolated within the group home, it’s just so awful. I don’t know what to do.

We’ve been taking this virus very seriously from very early on, it’s made us nervous, careful, kept us home and disinfecting everything. It’s just getting way too real now and far too sad to bear. May the Gods old and new keep watch over her and comfort her.

Day 53

I need to get outside. Does anyone know how to ruthlessly murder a million ticks without poison? Everytime I go out into my yard, even just to walk the dog I come back with at least one tick on me. It’s horrifying and I hate it. Those things really squick me out! Yeah, I’m probably not going to go outside. But it’s so gorgeous out there… and I should.

Had meetings all day, on Zoom, Meet Up, etc. It looks like summer programming will all be virtual. My state just got another 3 week extension on lock down, which is good, not enough probably, but something. So, now I need to scramble to come up with programming that can all be done online that is engaging, valuable, accessable, etc. We’re looking at how to reach patrons who don’t have internet access. We can do mailings somehow I guess. This new world we’re in is tricky and stressful. I need to work on my stress relief. I don’t know if I will be back working in the library this summer, I don’t know if patrons will be allowed in or not, I don’t know how we can serve our patrons well if they can’t come in to use the computers and printers.

Public Libraries in rural areas like ours provide access to the internet, computers, printers, scanners, fax machines, etc. Some libraries also have 3D printers and other fancy stuff. In our area the library is often the only place some people can use computers or the internet and we get people rushing in at closing time desperate not to miss some deadline, caught between their work schedule, the bus schedule, and our hours. If they make it before we shut the computers down entirely we will try to help them, much as we like to go home at the end of the day, it usually isn’t their fault they couldn’t get to us sooner. (not that I’m super invested in “fault”) Public Libraries everywhere are a safe warm or cool space for people experiencing homelessness to go during the day. We have restrooms, clean water, sometimes even tea available for a donation. If anyone asks me what the donation is I let them know it can be any amount, if they still seem unsure I let them know there is no one policing our tea supply, the Director and staff basically donate it all. The horrid Keurig plastic pollution machine costs $1 cup for whatever one chooses; coffee, tea, cocoa, but there is no one acting as the police of that transaction either. So it’s not nothing that library doors are closed now and I wonder how we will find ways to continue to help our patrons access what they need. We don’t have a supply of loaner laptops or mobile hotspots like some other libraries do. I know we’re working on all this, I just wish I could know what’s coming, I wish I could prepare.

Will I have a job when the pandemic releases us all from our house arrest? I don’t know. I’m seeing a lot of pain coming for a LOT of people, and while I know Public Libraries are a cost-effective way to provide vital services to communities, I also know that they often end up threatened by the chopping block. So right now I am working extra hard to become the best librarian I can be. My online classes are turning me from a whimsical chick who comes up with cool crafts for the kids to do into a kickass librarian who provides more value to the tweens & teens of our community by planning programs built around specific learning outcomes. The great thing is, if I do it right, the kids will learn things that make them think and help them grow and all they’ll notice is the fun and creativity.

can’t stop the falling of the rain

I think a lot of people are reaching some kind of breaking point. The world has gotten weird and nothing is easy anymore. Some people are quarantining alone and I can’t quite imagine that. I haven’t really left the house, except for quick drop offs without interacting with people or entering buildings, since… the first week of March sometime. My husband and son about the same time, my daughters about a week after that. We’re introverts but this is getting to be a little much. I just want to go to a bookstore and wander the aisles and riffle the pages. But I won’t, I’ll be good, everyone is depending on each of us to do our part and stay the F home. I can do that.

I’m worried about some of my friends who are hitting the same wall I am but live alone. I know I get annoyed with the people I live with sometimes but they’re here when I need to see a person, hug a person, play a game, watch a show together, etc. I’m not sure how I’d cope all on my own. Well, I’d always have a cat, let’s be real, if I lived in my car I’d still have my kitty. But even pets are not people, they love you yeah, but they can’t play board games or speak back to you. Well, I guess some people probably have parrots or something but still. Huh, if I was alone with my cat I would probably try to invent a board game she could play with me. It would be like Calivinball the board game because cats are freaking Random. But I am rambling from stress and lack of sleep. I am worried about my friends who live alone, even those with pets, because we are humans and we are not meant to be alone, not for long periods of time like this.

Hey, friends, I LOVE YOU. You are not in this alone even though I am not there with you. If I could I would pop by in a heartbeat with cookies and tea and cuddles galore. We’re all kind of hitting a breaking point, a crisis point I think, right about now. Be gentle with yourself, practice whatever self-care you can; shower, eat, drink some water, take your meds. If you can go outside at all get a little fresh air, chat with a friend, play cards against humanity online, read a book that always makes you feel better, make some art! Bake! You are still here. We are still here. Things are weird and stressful but we do still have each other. We can’t change this situation but we can reach out and find ways to connect better so we can all make it through this.

I love you all so much.

Day 48

We’ve got a real pattern going here. We eat pretty well right after we get groceries, there’s fruit and lettuce, milk, cheese oj, we got little cupcakes from the bakery this time. I was missing those darn things so bad! We’ve been home long enough I had to buy conditioner, guess I forgot to have enough of that on hand. So, we got some groceries delivered yesterday so we had fresh bread and salad with dinner the past 2 nights and I got to make the weird mac & cheese I wanted to make. We got apples and oj for the next couple of days at least. I’m trying to space out the good things the little cupcakes will be gone tonight and I will likely wait a day to make the brownies from the mix I ordered. I try to keep a few of the fresh veggies for a few days to liven up an extra meal or two. We’ll be back to pasta, rice, and tuna again before long. Not to complain, it’s good to be able to eat, it’s just less stressful when we have a more normal range of food.

If you need distraction as much as I do: There’s a really cool game for the PS4. It’s called “Journey” and it’s lovely. My friend told me about it and I went to go buy it and it’s FREE on the PS4 in downloads! It took me maybe 2 1/2 hours to play and it was diverting and charming and … just cool. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mU3nNT4rcFg I intend to play it several more times. It only took 15 minutes to download too.

I got 3 submissions to my contest! Feels like a victory to me. There are 3 kids claiming they will log in for the Pathfinder game tomorrow too. I will be on top of the world if that happens. Seriously, that is a huge leap in participation in my virtual programs and I will take it. I’ll be announcing the winner of the contest on Monday and sending out the little prize. ^_^

I’m not feeling well, haven’t been sleeping enough, nausea, headache, just under the weather. Crazy because I have had no exposure to anyone or anything in ages. Could it be allergies? Meh. I hope you are well, I hope you are coping. Stay safe everyone!

Day 46: Boomers Don’t Seem to Get it….

Gross generalization ahead: The Boomers aren’t getting it, the seriousness of this pandemic, they aren’t. To be fair, I’m really speaking about the Boomers in my life, maybe the Boomers in your life are doing better. Let me know, I’d love to hear from a wider sample!

When I say they aren’t taking the pandemic seriously what I’m talking about is my mother, and my husband’s mother, thinking they are being so, so careful when they get together with their friends outdoors, 6 feet apart, in groups of less than 10, just to chat, or so they can all have cake for someone’s birthday. Every time I talk to my mother these days I feel like my head is going to explode. She made 3 cakes for her birthday over that weekend and a few mornings later she let it slip that she had “all her friends over” and they stayed 6 feet apart, outside, and she served them all cake and “it was lovely!” They “completely social distanced.” I explained to her than social distancing is basically for emergencies, it’s for “if you must go out” you should stay at least 6 feet apart, wear a mask and gloves, and wash your hands and never touch your face.

Those guidelines are for anyone who must go out, essential workers, people who need groceries or medicine, people who cannot NOT go to work because they live paycheck to paycheck and their businesses are still allowed to be open. My husband’s mother has done very similar things; spending time by the pool 6 feet from her friends, going out to grab “1 or 2 things” nearly Every Day, and so on. My Dad too, in California, who has a terrible lung disease that is going to kill him in a few years, still goes out and his wife still goes out, way too much, to the hardware store and such or they’d go out of their minds with nothing to do. I am so frustrated with these ridiculous people that I love and don’t want to die sooner than they need to, and Horribly, I could just scream.

My mother wants to bake for us and drop it off. She leaves the house every day and walks in her crowded town on sidewalks where no one yields to each other. She cannot understand why I don’t want to add another risk, however small or large it might be, another possible vector for this virus to get into my home. She hasn’t told my sister that 79 people in her town have tested positive and 22 have died. That’s just the confirmed cases. When people are being found dead in their home they aren’t being tested for the virus, and the cases of people being found in their homes are up 25% from last year in this area. And all I continue to hear from these people is “When can we get back to normal?” Too many of them, and I’m sure other age groups, are trying to do just that way too soon.

It’s cold here today, 37 degrees F, so I’ve got the wood stove going. I’m still trying my best to work and learn from home but it’s getting tough. Lack of sleep is impacting my metal state, memory and so on, not to mention my mood. I snapped at my husband last night in the middle of the night. Something about snoring? It was not ok, understandable? Maybe, but not ok. I need so much sleep, you guys, seriously.

Day 44: Anxious Thoughts

Watching the news feed is depressing. I stopped reading the news for a couple of days and I felt better. It was nice, I might go back to it. Does anyone else feel like they have to choose between mental health and being informed? I don’t want to be ignorant about what’s going on but at the same time things are bad in so many ways and it drains all the joy out of my heart to keep up with it.

The miles long lines of cars for food banks. I just can’t bear to think about it. I can’t help but put myself there, waiting hours in my car, desperate for the food to feed myself and my family, dying of anxiety that it would run out before I got any, riddled with guilt knowing I might get some and the many cars behind me might not even though they might need it just as much. I feel guilty just knowing I have food and other people don’t. I’ve gone hungry at some points in my life, I’ve not starved for days on end or anything, but I’ve lived on one scanty meal a day, sipping water near constantly to try to fool my stomach, for weeks. I’d eat anything anyone offered me while hiding my situation because I thought it was my fault. For me that was a long time ago and over the course of the past 3 decades, through planning, action, and luck, I had made it to a point where food scarcity was no longer an issue of mine. I keep telling myself “we’re still ok, we’re still ok.” It’s a mantra of worry, a spell to keep the spectre of hunger at bay. If something like this pandemic had hit back when I was struggling so hard I don’t know how I would have made it through.

Even now I don’t know that we’ll make it through. We will be ok as long as we still have our jobs and keep getting paid but how long will that continue? My husband’s job is actively planning for the survival of the school through several scenarios of full enrollment, 3/4, 1/2 etc. all the way down to no enrollment. They are planning for how many could they still employ in each scenario, who is essential, who would be cut, or given less hours, etc. At my job I’m not sure what’s going on exactly. I know it all hinges on the budget for the next fiscal year which starts July 1st. The budget had been settled, before this happened, with raises and everything, but the town is going to have to reshuffle things because of the economic hit the businesses are taking, and how much the pandemic costs to fight. I’m not super clear on how it all works but I know my boss will focus her fight on keeping our jobs and the services we provide intact, and cut our materials budgets and extra projects etc to keep those jobs and services. Which mostly assumes we’re reopening as a physical place. I don’t know if my job exists if everything we offer has to be provided online. Maybe. Parts of it for sure but other parts for sure not. I don’t know how long it will be allowed to exist if the building stays closed.

I don’t think it will be safe to return to anything approaching normal in early may. I heard our area isn’t expected to hit peak infection rate until then. How many weeks after that peak will we need to wait so it will be safe to go back out? Some colleges are considering staying online only through the end of 2020 and maybe starting physical classes for the Spring of 2021. Why does that sound both crazy and not crazy at all to me? Everything in uncertain.

Day 43 of Isolation

Blogging to try to stay sane here. I’ve got this creeping feeling of despair that threatens to overwhelm me. I’m swimming in stress and I have to think that’s what’s aggravating my acid reflux. I haven’t been drinking almost at all, I think I have somehow managed to lose my taste for beer, but last night we played Remote Insensitivity with some friends and I drank more wine than is good for me. I don’t think that helped my acid reflux either.

We’re gaming a lot. Today we will be playing Pathfinder again. A good game. We’re currently exploring an abandoned Hell Knight Citadel and it’s been a lot of fun, challenging, and I’m collecting pets. I’m trying to convince the party that I should get to raise the warg pups we found because CUTE, and keep the kobolds because they are hilarious. They are already sold on allowing the goblins to be part of our lives so there’s that!

I’m trying to ART but I can’t because I require some solitude for that and there isn’t really any solitude right now. I could make some but that would involve carting all my art stuff around and it’s a lot of work. I’ll probably be desperate enough to do that soon. The only craft I’ve been working on is slowly knitting rows so I can be done with the HP washcloth and move one to something more interesting. I can’t wait to be knitting something else.

I’m cooking a lot, of course, and I get super sick of it. I always have to cook enough for all 5 of us and it sucks sometimes. If anyone else were to cook something, or make a sandwich even, they could make it for themselves and no one else and no one would think anything of it. If I want to make myself a sandwich I very much feel like I have to offer to make one for everyone else. Tiring. But, hey, we have food and I’m deeply grateful for that. Food is a very good thing. I’ve got another delivery floating out there somewhere and this time I actually remembered to add the baking powder so that will improve my baking and keep me from having to muck about with substitutions. That will be awesome. Lately I’ve made lasagna, scones, a really bad shepherd’s pie, (ground chicken does not cut it) kielbasa and rice… and a lot of noodles. So many noodles. I’m going to make this crazy butternut squash mac & cheese tomorrow before my squash gets icky.

I’m reading A Serpent of Venice; by Christopher Moore very slowly. I don’t seem to be able to concentrate on reading for very long these days. Stress? How are you all doing? Able to read? Tell me your stories, what are you doing to stay sane in this isolation? Is anyone still out there or have I gotten to the point of screaming in the void?

Day 41 (best guess)

We got some groceries delivered yesterday. Weirdness has been staved off another while. I’m not hearing from too many people right now, I seriously don’t know how people are doing, it feels weird. Also, I like to help people and it’s super hard to do right now.

My handsome hubby is kicking so much ass at his job right now. It helps that he is kind of the single point of failure and that much seems to have become clear to his boss at last. He’s finally getting some real recognition for what he does. He’s working so much it’s crazy. He’s exhausted. Now he’s talking about running a virtual RPG for the kids at my library… to make me look good. What did I ever do to deserve this amazing, wonderful guy? Seriously.

I pulled together some little prizes and got the word out as best I could about the next round of my “would you rather” card design contest. We’ll see if I can rustle up a few more entries this time. I’ve been brainstorming ideas, going to webinars about virtual programming, checking out other libraries to see what others are putting out there for teens. There isn’t a whole lot in our area. I think if I hit upon a good idea I will get a decent response.

Prizes I scrounged up from my stash of hidden wonders. I hope they will interest enough of the teens.

How much longer are things going to stay this way? No idea, no one can know, there is no safe day to come out of this that we can just pick. It sucks. I’m hearing that rural areas are starting to see spikes in covid 19 cases in the states without shelter in place orders. That’s scary. Services are thin in places like that and it is going to SUCK for those who get this thing. I just want to escape all the time now, just live in video games or whatever, I can’t, but I want to. I want to go hide in Ferelden where I can vent my anxiety on darkspawn and hang out with Alistair and let him tell me I’m pretty even when I’m covered in gore or I just slaughtered like 11 bandits or something. Or I could go hide in Skyrim and hunt down vampires, dragons, and giant spiders, while scraping up gold to make a pretty cool house out in the woods and adopting random orphans and pets. Mostly I actually just go coal mining and building in Minecraft. I breed vast flocks of chickens and run around dyeing sheep in a rainbow of hues so I can call them Pride Flock.

I watched a girl use boxed mac & cheese to make 3 different dishes and now I need ingredients so I can try out her recipes. I miss going to the store and picking out the things I wanted and needed. I like wandering the aisles and picking and choosing and comparing prices. I ordered a new journal today because my current one is almost full and I am relying heavily on it to keep track of all my classes and webinars and tracking my work etc. It was painful to have to choose one without handling 20 -40 and weighing my options when I could clearly see what my options actually are. I ordered one and I hope it’s the right size, with decent paper and all that. I mean, obviously I can make-do with whatever comes and it is the very definition of a first world problem. Gods, I must be so freaking spoiled. Honestly, there are people out there dying, people out there risking their lives trying to save lives, there are people who have real actual problems. I don’t mean to sound like I think my “problems” are such a big deal, I know they aren’t. I just miss the good parts of the way things were just a few weeks ago.

Time for me to get back to laundry, meal prep, cleaning, and knitting. How are you all handling the stress of confinement? How are things going for you and yours?

we’re lucky but some combinations are not for the timid.

I don’t know why I’m finding so much to say about this quarantine. Maybe I’m just venting. When I link to my FB I generally tag it with “Blogging for Sanity.” Talking into the void so I don’t lose my mind as my beleaguered brain overloads with stress is my new normal, I guess.

Today I want to talk about food. For background, I spent many years of my adult life living in poverty, I had WIC and Food Stamps for awhile before we managed to get our feet under us, but I have never seen my fridge so bareas it is now, not since my early 20s when finances were extremely bad and I wasn’t getting any help. My cupboards are better than the fridge, of course, the fridge is perishable stuff so we eat it or it goes bad in short order. We had a few grocery deliveries, about 1 every 2ish weeks, so we still have some milk and cheese and that sort of thing. I think the only fresh veg we have right now is a bag of carrots I forgot was in the drawer or I would have served them already. Oh, I think there are a few onions and potatoes in the cupboards too actually, but most fruit and veg is now frozen or canned and the fridge looks empty to me.

More Background: Years back, we had a weird Fall snowstorm sweep through and it took out power everywhere. Ours was out for 4 days, which wasn’t bad compared to some places nearby that took weeks to get power back. Everything in our house was electric so we couldn’t cook anything and had no heat. All the grocery stores were closed because they couldn’t use their registers so we had to make due with what we had. We tried to eat through the fridge and managed to save some stuff in a cooler by packing it in the snow, but it was PB&J for days. I tried to use a fondue pot to heat some things up, didn’t go so well. We BBQed a bit which was perilous as the trees above melted and dumped snow over us while we tried to cook.

Anyway… after that incident, I have made sure to have a good stock of TP, toothpaste, flashlights & batteries, etc. on hand. I also keep a supply of canned tuna, instant soups, cooked reheatable foods like canned pasta and soups etc. and insisted on moving into a house with a woodstove. 4 days without heat and cooking scarred me a bit. If an outage happens in summer we have the outdoor grill. I also keep a supply of pasta and sauce on hand, ramen noodles, teas, canned and frozen veg. etc. because I shop sales and buy most things only when they hit a price I like, then stock up and don’t buy that item again till another excellent sale, I keep my cupboards and freezer very full under normal circumstances. So now that we’ve been working our way through all my stores I find I have no tolerance for thinning reserves. They are thinning for sure. There is room in the chest freezer, I can see to the backs of my cupboards. It makes me feel insecure even while I know I am lucky. I have been able to keep things pretty ok without leaving my house. I wish everyone could be so lucky.

We’re lucky, but we’re at a point where food is getting a little weird. We’re having to look at what we’ve got and figure out what we can make to eat and it’s becoming clear that my preparations have some pretty big holes in them. I have several containers of mayonnaise but didn’t think to try and freeze cold cuts or maybe buy ham and freeze it to be cut for sandwiches later. Tuna fish gets old fast when it’s the only choice. I have pasta and marinara sauce but that gets old pretty quick too, plus I’m allergic to tomatoes so I’m eating buttered noodles when my family has spaghetti. I’ve cooked everything we especially liked already, we’re down to things like tuna casserole, spaghetti, I made a chicken casserole, pancakes, I’ve gone through most of the stuff I could make soup from and I’m seriously running out of ideas.

We’re supposed to get a delivery of groceries today. I ordered things that will bring us back toward normal but who knows what we’ll actually get? The stores are constantly running out of stuff so it’s been very hit or miss. Depending on what we end up getting I might have to start making cooking videos with my son. He had the idea and we keep joking about doing it; making a video series of the weird stuff we have to cook and eat because we are out of everything else. I’ll let you know if things get that bad. I hope you are all doing well, staying sane and have plenty to eat. We’ve all lost weight trying to conserve what we’ve got. Not a bad thing really but we are looking forward to a time when we aren’t feeling so insecure. Hopefully, the insanity of this virus will cause more people to really look at how insane and inequitable the system we’ve crafted really is and maybe we can fix it at last. Everyone needs a living wage, health care and housing. PERIOD.

The Binge… Isolation Viewing

Too subtle? I’m playing on “The Purge” a movie about everyone legally committing crimes for 24 hours once a year, even murder. Instead of that heinousness, in this the hours, days, weeks, and months of our current apocalypse, I am bingeing videos, shows, & movies. I comfort-watch a bunch of shows like Parks & Rec, Brooklyn 99, Community, The Tick, Sherlock, etc. Now I’m all caught up with The Rookie, Grey’s Anatomy, Criminal, etc. I could still track down and catch up on the Doctor Who I’ve missed, plus a few others. I’m hunting for a new show to become a comfort show after viewing the entirety. These are mostly lighter shows, comedies usually, stuff I can fall asleep to and know that nothing super dark will happen to give me nightmares.

I binge police procedurals, The walking Dead, Dexter, and other heavier shows too, but not these days. If I’d noticed it earlier I probably would have been into Pandemic or Outbreak but, as fictional as I am sure they are, they are too real right now. I heard about another one that was medical-based too and the second season deals with… the black plague? It must involve time travel? Stress is destroying my memory.

Stats for Quarantine so far:

Most Watched: Community (Hulu)
Commentary: A Late Show & Last Week Tonight (Youtube)
Weirdest Movie so far: Under the Skin (Netflix)
Tried it, didn’t stick: Dr. Ken (Amazon Prime)
Funny so far: Schitts Creek (Netflixs)
Want more episodes: The Rookie, Grey’s Anatomy, Law & Order SVU, The Orville, Good Omens, (that one is not going to happen but What a Gorgeous Show) Firefly. (no, I will never stop wishing this.)
The World as I wish it: Liziqi (Youtube)

Other than watching shows I did pick up my knitting last night. I’m sorry, I should have made sure you were sitting down before typing that. I hadn’t knit a stitch since we locked ourselves down. I knit several rows on what will probably be the last Harry Potter Washcloth I knit for awhile. A small part of the reason I stopped knitting was that I was bored of the washcloths. I’m knitting my way through Harry Potter Knitting Magic; by Tanis Gray but seven washcloths is a lot. I’ll finish them up at a later date but I’m ready to move on. Think my next project might be the Beauxbatons Capelet or one of the House Mug Cozies. I’ll have to see what I have the materials and needles for. A very cool book if anyone likes to knit. It was a post-Xmas gift from my husband because it didn’t come out til January… I think. While I knit I am, of course, watching shows or videos, mostly Liziqi or tiny house tour videos.

What are YOU doing during isolation? Please let me know! I’d love to hear from you, other humans, people… is anyone out there still? ~_^