I’m trying

It’s December 7th and it just doesn’t feel like it. I’m trying to get into a jolly holiday mood but it’s tough this year. There are over 280,000 people dead of Covid 19 in the U.S. so far and that is a whole lot of grieving families. There are 20,000 people with cases severe enough to be in the ICU right now and many more infected. In many places around the country our healthcare system is close to collapse and we still haven’t even gotten to the post Thanksgiving spike. Cases are on a massive upswing while at the same time my library is continuing to open back up. This scares the hell out of me. I love my job, and I need my job, but if I bring Covid 19 home to my husband it is likely to kill him. Every time I see my mother, from 10 feet away, outdoors, masked, and brief, she cries and says she can’t take it anymore. She 74 with a heart condition and this whole thing has worn her down. So fa la la la la and stuff.

Still, I’ve been trying. We went and picked out a tree and set it in the stand… like a week ago… and it still has no lights. I set up our advent calendar and we keep forgetting to open the drawers and read the little slips. I got the kids involved in a bit of holiday baking, that went pretty well, everyone loves cookies. I played Christmas CDs and tried to keep things light and happy for a while. This was the most successful I have been at getting into the holiday mood lately. I’ll keep at it.

Cookie making festivities… (to be continued soon, I like to bake.)

There are many cookies still to bake, there are some presents to be wrapped, we are all here together and as safe as we can be in these mad times. So well, bake, we’ll game, we’ll wrap up the presents, we’ll keep the wood stove going and we’ll get around to decorating the tree real soon. I can’t believe all the protections put in place to help people weather the pandemic will probably be allowed to expire soon. I just cannot fathom the heartlessness that would see a massive wave of evictions during this time of crisis and in winter. I can only hope the incoming administration will leap to the rescue of the American people and do everything they can to get help and relief to folks, and PPE and other critical support to our frontline healthcare workers. Too many people already struggle to get enough to eat, too many have already been evicted, too many are stuck in a whirlpool of tragic events, grief and despair. It’s all too much and I’m not personally facing these issues, yet.

for when you’re overwhelmed

I’m overwhelmed and tired. How about you? I see a lot of my friends and acquaintances posting about their struggles. Struggles to get things done, to feel any sense of accomplishment, feelings of restlessness, trouble sleeping, etc. The extroverts are going nuts in isolation and even the introverts are starting to get sick of it. I recommend library curbside pick up to folks who tell me they’re bored and I hear odd things like: “I’ve already read some books, I’m tired of books.” … I’m sorry, I know all of those words but they don’t make any sense in that order. I do understand, even I can’t read all the time. People who are more active and sporty than me want to get out to DO THINGS. They want to play tennis, or rollerblade or something.

Let’s just agree that we all thought, or at least hoped, this shit would be over by now. It isn’t and it isn’t going to be any time soon. As schools and colleges are opening cases are spreading. Weddings and funerals are helping too, hordes of maskless partiers, beach-goers, and folks visiting bars and restaurants are helping too. Not to mention indoor, maskless political rallies. Oh, and we can’t forget all the folks who refuse to wear masks in public. I don’t know exactly what our next moves as a country should be but a nationwide mandate for masks and social distancing is probably step 1. Enforced with serious fines and possibly jail time for repeat offenders. It would have to be in conjunction with masks being freely distributed to all of course.

Over here on the homestead, we are prepared to stay hunkered down as best we can until it is actually safe again. My husband and I are both working, me in a closed library providing curbside pick-up and take-home crafts etc, my husband mostly remotely. He does go to his office a few times a week, after hours when no one is likely to be around, so he can do all the things he can’t do from home. It’s gone pretty well so far. He has been coughing kind of a lot the past few day, me too, I think it’s just allergies probably but it’s hard not to worry. In any case, we are not going out to eat, we are not attending weddings, funerals, or gatherings of any kind. Our social life continues to be exclusively online gaming and will continue to be so for the foreseeable future. It’s not what we want but this is where we are. Anyway, I was talking about being overwhelmed…

Virtually everyone I know is having some problems with the enormity of everything, with overwhelm, with depression and/or anxiety. One of my friends posted something about how making massive to-do lists and not getting much or anything done is such a disheartening experience. We make the lists because we have a lot to do and we don’t want to forget to do any of it. Crossing things off gives us a little boost, it makes us feel like we’re making progress. I have a thing I do when I am having a bad time, when I am overwhelmed and super tired, out-of-spoons. I make a Done List. I write down things after I do them and cross them out. If I build up a little momentum I might write a single task down just before I begin it and cross it off when I’m done. It probably sounds silly, but it’s a way I get myself started.

Even like today, I have a headache, woke up with the damn thing, so today is a good day to do this. I do have things I really need to get done today and all I want to do is lie here with an ice pack or a heating pad on my head, maybe both, so to get myself going I will write down some little things I have already done, even if they are things I wouldn’t normally put on any to-do list.

~~feed cats~~
~~make tea~~
~~wash dishes~~
~~make breakfast~~
trash & recycling

That last one there I haven’t done yet but for me putting there at the end of a list of “accomplishments” gives me maybe 1/4 Cup of encouragement to get up and get it done. I look at all the struck through items and it makes that last one look smaller, easier, more doable. Anyway, feel free to use this little trick if you think it might help you. Another little psychological trick I use on myself is paying my bills from most expensive to least expensive. I write the big check for our mortgage first, followed usually by our stupid-high electric bill, on down through whatever bills we have for the month till I write the last one, the smallest bill. It feels slightly better that way. A bit like coasting down a hill instead of laboring up it. It helps that we can pay all our bills. That hasn’t always been the case. When we were really struggling I was agonizing over which bills to pay and which would have to wait, juggling to keep those we owed happy enough so they wouldn’t shut off the lights or whatever. I’m grateful not to be there at this time but I know we could be there again with a little bad luck. Those are my 2 tricks for now. My head is getting worse so I am going to try to get the trash run done. I’ll tell you more tricks when my head feels better and I can think straight.

CAUTION: RANTING AHEAD

Okay, I’m going to vent, you’ve been warned.

I have 3 non-neuro-typical kids ages 17-26. All of them still live at home and are not fully functioning adults at this time. All 3 suffer from depression, 2 from anxiety, all 3 have other issues as well. The older 2 kids are my kids and my husband’s step-kids which adds a little something to the mix. My husband has a good job that keeps a roof over our heads, food on the table, etc. etc. I work part time.

My eldest works part time and studies a computer book toward a certification… hopefully. Eldest drives and deals with her car insurance and oil changes and stuff. She helps around the house doing dishes, vacuuming, pet care. She spends some of her time writing what I think she describes as fanfic. Her writing, and the response she gets to it, give her a boost of self-esteem. I’m in favor of that.

Middle child goes to a local community college studying for an English degree at this time. (it changes sometimes) The only work she’s ever been able to get is work study at the college. She probably comes close to paying us back each semester for her classes, books etc. but that’s it. She paints gaming miniatures for money whenever she can. Work there is very sporadic. She’s good at it but it’s super niche’ and a luxury few can afford. She mowed the lawn roughly 1x/week for $20/week this summer. We support her financially, obviously. She has been trying to learn to drive for years but is in no way ready to be driving on her own. Honestly, she’s bad at it. Autism in her case means not being able to process everything and make good decisions quickly. I wish my husband would give up on it, it seems like something she shouldn’t do, but we live in a rural area and she either drives, gets us to drive her, or moves to a city with great public transport which is slightly complicated by her not being able to get a job or manage her life.

Youngest is 17. He’s doing pretty well so far this year even though his 2 best friends both moved on to different schools. He seems to be making other friends and is doing ok in his classes. He’s got an adulting class which makes him anxious because he hates thinking of the future, not sure WTF to do about that. I tell him there’s no pressure on him, just calmly look at all the options and think about what he’d like to explore, nothing carved in stone, no scary deadline, and so on. I’m working with him trying to get him to manage his daily life better. He needs to get up on time in the morning, which means getting to sleep at a reasonable hour, needs to learn to keep up with cleaning his room, doing his laundry and so on. He is interested in learning to cook to the point where he can keep himself happily fed, so we work on that. He’s great at coming up with marinades and he handles all of that, he’s learning to make certain dishes and to BBQ a bit. He handles most of the dog care. He doesn’t drive yet, doesn’t have a permit. He seemed like he wanted to but backed off for some reason.

So, they are all behind where they “should” be, where most kids are at their ages, we focus on encouraging them, trying to add to their responsibilities, being supportive. It’s a struggle, it’s frustrating, it’s hard not to despair sometimes. It super doesn’t help that my husband is surrounded by high achieving kids at work, constantly bombarded by beaming parents boasting about their amazing offspring. It’s demoralizing for him and it makes him more frustrated with the kids than he might be otherwise. For myself I could stand not to have my mother constantly tell me how awesome a job my sisters did at parenting, how great their kids are and how she worries so much about mine. STFU MOM! NOT helping! I have 2 sisters, we each ended up having 3 kids, one sister has 3 neurotypical kids, the other has 2 NT and one who isn’t. Would you look at the one non-neurotypical kid? Wow, he’s doing so great. He is, he’s doing great and I am over the moon that he is. I love him. What I can’t take one more freaking second of is the idea that I somehow failed my kids, which my mother CLEARLY believes and likes to rub in my face.

It isn’t fair at all to compare my sister and I and blame my parenting for the fact that my kids aren’t burning up the sky like all parents wish for their kids. My sister had so much help that I never got. Her in-laws were very involved and often took the kids for a weekend or a week, they babysat, they helped with expenses, they got involved in the kid’s lives in real ways. During her last pregnancy, our actual father moved to live in her state, in her town, and started helping too. His parents followed him out there and lent their support. My sister is smart and fairly driven, she got a degree and a a good job and had the built in support to be able to work while other people helped out with driving and watching the kids as needed. Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of her, she did amazing, but if I had the kind of support she did I might be amazing too. We will never know. With her husbands very good job and all the support they have been able to afford everything they have needed for their kids. Nothing has really been out of reach for them, which is so cool, I really am happy for them. I love my sis, her hubby and their kids. I can’t tell you how proud I am of them. I just don’t need to hear it so, so, so often. Because….

I live very near my mom. She did not babysit. She helped with rides, which I am grateful for, but we paid for those rides with the stress of dealing with her. She could not deal with the difficulties that come with dealing with my kids, my eldest was a handful when she was younger, and my mother made it worse by setting her off, blaming me for not handling her correctly, etc. I was so stuck. She was the only one I had to help at all and it came at such a cost. She helped financially at times, always with the understanding she would be paid back in full, which we did though it was difficult. My husband’s family was useless in helping with the kids. They didn’t care to be involved with the older 2, though his brothers enjoyed spending time with them on their rare visits. We spent years utterly strapped financially with occasional bouts of being on an even keel. We had my ex to deal with and the insanity of him trying to force the older kids into his religion, then his eventual rejection of the kids as they refused to join. All the work has been on us, we are exhausted, we are demoralized and we wish like hell we knew what to do.

But this is where we are. We have 3 grown and almost grown kids who are not where they should be with life goals, accomplishments and mental health. We have loved and loved and loved these kids and done our best with what we’ve had to work with. We had therapists, doctors, and we did what we could to expose them to interests but we couldn’t afford much. We’re still trying, we’re still working hard while most people with kids the same ages as ours are now able to brag about their kid’s accomplishments we get to answer “how are the kids?” with; “They’re doing ok. Eldest is working part time, middle is in school part time, and youngest is in HS… no the younger ones aren’t driving yet, no they don’t have jobs….” Progress is glacial.

Please, if you have amazing, neuro-typical kids who are doing wonderful, I know you want to brag, and I get it, I am truly happy for you, but please try to remember that some of your friends and family have kids who are not neuro-typical or have other challenges, and though they LOVE your kids and are happy for you, hearing about all the wonderful milestones your kids breeze through can be really painful. It is heartbreaking to work so hard, invest so much love and support, watch the slow, painful progress, and when you feel some small germ of hope because a friend was tentatively made, or a kid is finally taking 3/4 of a full schedule of classes, or at last broke 30 hours/week at their part time job… to hear that someone else’s kid has 20 friends and they are all going to do charity work together in a foreign land, or they just graduated, got their masters with a 4.0, or landed an awesome fortune 500 level job. etc etc.

I don’t know what my kids might accomplish, they are bright, sweet, amazing people. They aren’t where most people their ages are, they don’t have it all together yet, or even mostly together, they can’t even fake it, really. But they are kind and creative and I am proud of them. It just feels really awful when someone asks how the kids are and I say, “well, middle child joined the history club at community college, so that’s encouraging.” and they answer with, “Oh, this other kid just got accepted at 6 ivy league schools and has to choose which one to go to now. ” I know they don’t mean to make me feel terrible but I do. My kid did a tiny thing, their’s did a huge thing. I feel like my kid’s accomplishments don’t matter, it will never be enough, it’s all some kind of competition.

Ok, I’m done. I don’t know if I feel any better, but I’m done.

The Dam

My husband and son are out running. My husband says he is realizing his delusional thinking now. He thought: “We’ll start running in the mornings before work and we’ll do it all year!” It is now, in mid-ish August, just the littlest bit cooler and darker in the mornings and this morning he just groaned at the thought of dragging himself from our warm bed and out into the world for exercise. His new plan may be Tae Kwan Do or joining a gym but, whatever, they need to continue to exercise. My son is losing weight or maybe just changing shape a little. He looks a little fitter, stands a wee bit taller, most importantly he says that he feels much better on days that they run.

My middle daughter completely failed to find a job this summer. She hasn’t been able to get one, ever, except for through work-study at her community college. I think people take one look at her and just…. pass. She’s quite eccentric and won’t take any advice on appearance, which I understand, but job hunting is its own thing and you don’t get to Be You while you do it. I don’t know what to do. Is there a place for her in this world? Is there somewhere she can belong? Will anyone ever hire her? Can she ever support herself? I fight hard, daily, to keep it together, to NOT despair, if I let one crack show the dam will burst and I will spiral out. My oldest daughter is still working part time at the pharmacy chain, still plugging away at learning whatever computery thing my husband set her up to learn in the hopes that it could lead to some real employment. She’s still so sad, her eyes sometimes just about break me.

I must have done something, or some things, very wrong as a parent to have all three kids struggling SO HARD in various ways. I chew on that all the time until it hurts too much and I have to put it away again for a bit. I worked so hard at not making the mistakes my parents made. I made sure they were loved and looked after, that they had what they needed and KNEW they were loved. Maybe I should have pushed harder for better grades? I always wished we could have let them all try out more things like lessons, let them find their talents and passions, but we never had a lot of money. I threw them cool parties crafted with my own hands, I made the holidays as wonderful as I could, still do. We always had pets, always plenty of food, always kept them warm and safe.

I know the older two suffered when they were at their father’s. He’s a piece of work. Very big into punishments that included time-outs lasting hours, breaking their favorite toys, and what he called “gross jobs” like scrubbing garbage cans and toilets. He did a lot of damage to them, I know that, I wish I could have prevented it. He spent their childhood trying to get them brainwashed into his cult and they fought it, hard. That didn’t help much either. But our son was with us, he never had to deal with such petty tyrannies and traumas, and yet something has gone wrong for him too. He was much younger when I went through a prolonged depression and that must have been awful for him. Poor little lamb, and it’s down to me, somehow I fucked this up.

So, anyway, walking quickly on from that dam breaker. Fixing things. Yes, oldest is working, studying, and in therapy, middle is taking summer classes and is all signed up for fall and will get work study again, she’s got maybe 2 semesters left for her Associates at the rate she’s going, gets together with friends pretty regularly, also in therapy. Youngest, interning and earning money while gaining confidence and experience, set to go back to school in the fall, is learning to make and maintain friendships, has a gaming group, is in therapy, exercising… I think one more thing I might be able to do now that summer reading isn’t taking up so much of me is start a family night. We could play games or read together or something. We all need something.

Parenting an Introvert

We’re a very geeky family.

We have all gamed together and with others for years, in some cases decades, but a while ago, as we all got busier, the kids with school or work, my husband with work and more intense classes, me with 2 jobs, the gaming pretty much stopped. There just wasn’t time or energy to prepare and run much of anything.

We still talked about games and character concepts, of course, my son especially is always coming up with a new idea for an amazing character, usually power-maxed. Not long ago he and my husband were talking about games and our son says: “I miss when you weren’t in school and we’d talk about games and then they’d actually happen.” Within 24 hours he also told him “I miss spending time with you, Dad.” Our son was also struggling through a bit of dip, a return to a stronger depression than he’d felt in a while. He told us he was lonely.

Of course we were right there for him. My husband spent half the night talking to him, making a bit of a plan to make things immediately better. I gave notice at one of my jobs the next day so I can be home when he’s home more often and so we can eat more dinners as a family. My husband started planning a new RPG we can all play and he damn near quit school with only 9 credits to go. He’s decided not to drop out at but is trying not to obsess over keeping his 4.0 so he can prepare the RPG. He’s started running our son in a little solo intro. to it. It’s a superhero game we’ll soon join him in and it seems to be giving the lad a boost. We also signed him up for some Summer Reading activities at the library I work at. Tonight we’re painting Galaxy Mugs. About 90% of the participants in programming so far are girls, a fact that has not escaped my son’s notice. I think it’s good for him, he sort of gets to practice talking to girls in an environment where they have a built in subject to talk about. He’s in the library gaming group too (3 boys, 1 girl) and a gaming group with friends from his Jr. High. (a mixed group of about 5 kids) Both only meet maybe once a month but it’s something.

Sadly, his summer internship is paused as there is no work for him to do while 80% of the laptops are out for physical repairs. Once they get shipped back he’ll go back in and clean out all information and reset them up for the students returning in the fall. I think he’ll get about another week full-time. Last summer we sent him to writing camp for a week and to an art camp every Wednesday but he’s aged out of the writing camp and the art thing was expensive and he was really put off by something about it. I’m thinking of looking for something else but I don’t know where to start. The best activity we ever sent him to was Monster Camp where they spent a week making a mask and monster/creature using recycled materials and paper mache. That one only went to age 10 or 11 and he’s 17 now so….

I’m thinking about maybe getting him into LARPing. It’s very social and a lot of fun. Now that I have some Saturdays off it isn’t impossible anymore. The LARPs I’ve been to have been pretty outdoorsy though, and he hates being bug bit and being in the sun and heat. There must be some indoor LARP options, I should contact my friends who are into it. I know it would probably be too much for him at first, too much interaction, but maybe if there was a place for him to recharge once in a while… I think he’d really like it. I cannot fail this kid. He’s so bright and funny and kind and just wonderful. It kills me that he’s so sad and lonely. Depression + anxiety is AWFUL. When I was a teen in the 80s we just hung out. We’d go to each other’s houses and watch crappy TV shows or MTV, we might draw or do little crafts or eat, but it wasn’t really a focus. I don’t think kids do that so much anymore. They are always texting or something similar but not getting together much. I think that sucks.

Stuck in the Middle

I’m 52 and, like everyone else, I find myself struggling with life in general. I have 3 kids, 2 in their 20s and 1 who is 17 so they are pretty much grown at this point… only they’re not.

The older 2 are autistic, high functioning and all but, they have these… roadblocks in their way that a lot of young people don’t. My middle child has been trying to learn to drive for years. She’s nearly 23 and no matter how we practice and despite $1,000 in private professional lessons, she is just not even close to being a safe or sane driver. So she’s never been able to get a job. We are in a rural area and she’s been applying to all the places she can walk to, repeatedly, for years. She’s got other issues that factor in to her not getting hired, such as not having any work history and being something of an eccentric. That alone makes me want to weep.

My eldest child is employed, underemployed, by a chain pharmacy. She’s nearly 26 and has gotten her driver’s license and worked in food service and such. She’s more competent and less eccentric and can range out as far as she needs to to find work. She’s got other issues though and with her low-paying, part time job and rents being very high she’s back living with us and tension is rising under the surface. It makes me want to cry.

My youngest will be a junior in high school next year. He has some autistic traits for sure but seems to have a better grasp of how things work and what he needs to do to succeed in life. He doesn’t drive yet but we hope to get his permit this summer. He’s been sort of employed at a couple of paid internships for a few weeks this summer and last. He’s been good with the money he’s earned, even put some into a sort of retirement account. He struggles with organization and has social issues.

All of my kids are struggling with mental health issues like depression, anxiety, and more. We are doing everything we can to help them but it’s exhausting and stressful and progress at getting the older 2 to be functional adults is glacial. My heart is breaking because it’s starting to take a toll on my marriage. Actually, maybe it’s been taking it’s toll for a long time and denial has been my refuge… It’s hard on my husband supporting all of us. I work too, part time and at home. I’m the main cook and housekeeper, the one who drives the non-drivers to most things. There’s school, doctors appointments, therapy, a few activities and such. Other people help with the driving. My husband drives if I’m at work, or my mother, thankfully. There’s so many issues, some I can talk about and some I can’t, not mine to tell.

My husband is way past wanting the older 2 to move out and be independent, WAY, WAY, WAY past. He’s been very patient. My eldest has been out on her own a couple of times. Had apartments with friends and with a partner who turned out to be an abusive jerk. She was so miserable in that relationship that she became suicidal. My middle child struggles socially in ways that I find difficult to fathom and she is very anxious and depressed. Both get overwhelmed pretty easily so I try to help them progress without too much “pushing” I focus on encouragement. Progress is soul-suckingly slow, I might have mentioned. So here I am, stuck between a husband who is cracking under the strain of all that is piled on his shoulders, who wants to push these kids out of the nest, and 2 very vulnerable 20-somethings who I worry would not make it out there. RENT ALONE is too much for either one to handle.

So, I encourage my girls, support them as they try, one is taking classes the other is studying to get a computer certification, one is looking for work, the other is working and trying to get more hours/a raise/a promotion, and I tell my husband about every little bit of progress I see them making. I try to keep things as harmonious as I can around here. I am beyond stressed out and completely spent from doing the vast bulk of all the emotional work. I love these crazy, wonderful people. I LOVE them so much. I’m tired, I’m so tired and wrung out, I just want to lock myself in a place with tea and books and peace for a while, or a few years until this all gets sorted out, but I won’t. I’ll find a way to keep being supportive and encouraging and help all my kids find their feet. Hopefully no one will break during this process, hopefully my marriage won’t be destroyed and my kids won’t end up hating me.

Seriously, when did life get so freaking complicated and difficult? Not that it was a bed of roses, ever, but remember all the fun we had in our 20s? Remember when we were struggling to pay rent and trying to afford to eat something other than pasta all the time but still had beer money? We got restaurant jobs so we could get employee meals that were better than we could afford usually. We had roommates that drove us crazy and wouldn’t pay their long distance bills and left gross things on/in the couch or fridge. We struggled to keep a car on the road, to get a job that could support us. We thought life was super stressful, right? Then we, some of us, had kids and we thought the sleep deprivation days of having babies and young kids was stressful, the ER trips with high fevers, etc, then the kids went to school and there was that, but this? I’m telling you this is so painful and stressful I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Welcome to bummertown. Population: me.