Summing up April

We started isolating in early March, we’ve been at this a while, but April is the first full month we’ve spent in lockdown. Every day, beginning to end, all of us were here at home. We’re in isolation but not alone we have each other. March felt more normal than April. I’d been ill, hubby was ill, the boy had his wisdom teeth out. Once I recovered I was home taking care of my husband and son as they convalesced. It felt like something we were choosing to do. It was nice to have excuses to stay home because we were highly concerned about the virus. We were even worried my husband had the virus, he was really ill. The doctors wouldn’t see him, just called every day to check on him, let him know they had no tests, and ask if he needed more meds. It was scary, maybe it was something about all that fear, and the immediacy of my husband’s illness that made March seem less strange. We just weren’t’ focused on that.

April seemed to be more defined by what we couldn’t do. Stuck home, can’t visit people, go to the movies, can’t go out to a restaurant, can’t go to work, stop by a bookstore, get a haircut, kids can’t go to school or see their friends… there are a whole lot of “can’ts.” What we did do was adapt, at least somewhat, to our new circumstances.

We binge-watched lots of stuff. My favorite new show was recommended by my 17 year old son: “Overlord” on Hulu. It’s an anime’ about a guy that somehow gets stuck in some kind of ultra-immersive, futuristic, holodeck-y version of an online multi-player game. It’s for mature audiences and it’s hella cool. It raises a lot of questions and pushes a lot of buttons, it almost lost me a couple of times because of the actions of the main character. It’s complicated, it’s layered, and it really makes me think. On the surface it’s just some dorky anime’ but … watch it and let me know what you think, what you get from it. I hope they come out with a fourth season, I really want to see where it goes, and hopefully find out more about what is actually going on. We also watched a lot of old favorite shows, my comfort watches are likely getting worn out at this point.

As ginormous geeks we gamed a lot. We have a family Pathfinder game, a library Pathfinder game, another Pathfinder game we just started with far-flung friends, a GURPS game, and we’ve played 2 sessions of D&D with some people from our most recent, in-person gaming group. That last one is problematic, sadly, it’s the only one that isn’t being run by either my husband or myself, the only one we are playing in together, and it just isn’t working. The GM is inexperienced and she opted to create her own world and adventure. Her write up about the world was pretty cool, had some interesting politics and history, but the plot of the adventure is, well, weak. She had us make 3rd level characters and we were sent to a tower to remove some bandits, who turned out to be goblins, and to recover items stolen from the townspeople. It was pretty much a cake walk, of course, and therefore it got a little boring. I get it, she’s new to this, it’s tough to know exactly how much to throw at your players to challenge them, but that’s why you start them at first level and follow the DM guide and challenge ratings of the monsters. If fledgling DM issues were the main problem that would actually be fine, everyone starts out there, we all have to learn. But we have a player who is just, quite frankly, awful to play with. He monopolizes the spotlight, rules-lawyers Everything, and just generally bogs down the game and syphons out all the fun. We also rolled up our characters at home and his ranger has a 19 STR, 18 DEX, and 18 WIS… that I know of. I’ve rolled really well sometimes but never that well. I don’t know if I’ll find the time for that game again, it just isn’t fun.

We’ve also cooked a lot, eaten a lot, ordered things online occasionally, had a couple of board games delivered from our local game store. We’re read a bit, worked a lot, taken some classes, crafted a little bit. April was a weird mix of working through structured classes and meandering aimlessly, without focus through everything else. I feel sort of adrift, if that makes any sense. I think we’re all struggling a bit because the world is so uncertain.

But here we are in May, a new month with a cloak of real springtime around her shoulders, and it’s time to take the reins in hand. My library is closed completely for at least the next 18 days and pretty likely through the month and beyond so I’m planning for that. My boss offered to pay for a course we can take as part of a libraries and autism grant and I’ve offered to take it. It will last all month and I have no idea what the course load will be like, but it will count as work so while I’m learning I’ll be getting paid. I’m working on my Pet Month stuff, and planning for a virtual Summer Reading Program, and that sums up work. On the homefront I’m realizing I need to make a schedule for MY chores, I have been falling behind. I used to do all the housework when I was home alone so part of my brain just doesn’t accept that it’s ever time to do that stuff right now: There Are People Here! I’ve also just started getting ahead on my grocery orders. I had been waiting to put together the next orders until after the current ones arrived and we were having some gaps. Right now we’ve got one coming today or tomorrow and one already scheduled for next Thursday, so YAY! no gap!

So, for May, for my own little brain, I will be:

Taking a month long class for our LSTA grant
Creating and running programs for May
Working on our SRP
Making and keeping a schedule of chores for myself
Planning ahead more effectively for groceries etc.
Finding time for Art and Reading to de-stress
Finding a way to schedule in more activities as a family because we are all needing it even though we are tired at the end of the day.

So, onward! Into the merry month of May we go. Happy Beltane, Everyone!

Little Update from Quarantine

We’ve been holed up for quite a while now. We are very lucky in that both my husband and I can work from home so far. I’ve never had a job where that was possible, or a boss that would fight for staff to be able to do so, before. We’re also lucky that my daughter and son are able to continue their classes from home and hopefully get full credit for everything so they can graduate and/or advance. We’ve also been lucky enough to get a few orders of groceries through Instacart. I can’t tell you how disgusted I am in the people who are abusing Instacart drivers by offering big tips then revoking them. Those delivery drivers are risking their health and their lives and it is utterly cruel to steal from them like that.

Anyway, we’re very lucky, but we’re also stressed. Our house isn’t huge and having everyone home and not having friends over is wearing on us. I am sure you know what I mean. The underlying annoyances between the kids seem much bigger, it gets weirdly tense, my husband’s issues with the my daughters … there’s just no breaks, no nights off. He gets moody and tense. I sit here in the middle of it all feeling nervous and stressed. Good times. I don’t want to make it seem like things are bad, they aren’t, things are medium which is pretty good these days. We’re all able to game together and mostly keep things mellow, mostly.

I am trying and failing, so far, to get anything off the ground with the young adults from my library. I suggested gaming online and a virtual book club and got 1 response to each, not enough, so I am trying a quick, creative contest: design your own “Would you Rather” card. I sent the email 2 days ago and I have… 1 response so far. I’m really hoping I can get just a handful of entries. I would love to be able to tell my boss at least one program attempt was successful. Yeah, our library is so small and rural that 3-4 teens participating is considered successful. Maybe I will mail the contest rules to the school librarian so she can send the idea to a wider audience. Or I could actually send the info to my boss to post on the website. Gosh it’s fun having such a sluggish brain lately. I blame the pandemic. ~_^

my example card. sorry the image is so big and sideways I can’t find where to change that!

Thoughts While Waiting

I’ve removed as much junk as I can without a truck, gathered as many building supplies as I can without a truck, and installed new locks. Now all I can do is wait for Anita to email me back with a time she can come help me. Ok, maybe not ALL I can do… I need to get a truck, and someone to drive it, and people to help shift the desks and random junk and get all that out of there. Right now I have things ready to go in there as soon as it seems reasonable, which is not now, like an old futon for the loft once it has a floor and things like that.

I can’t wait for the space to paint and I can’t wait for my little napping spot. I had Another crappy night’s sleep last night. My sweet husband snores and I can’t win with the cats. If I let them in they don’t curl up and go to sleep they lick our noses and demand to be pet. If I shut them out they scrabble at the door intermittently through the night. Top those two items off with my body aches and acid reflux and, I hate to tell you this, I cannot remember my last truly good night’s sleep. I intend to escape the snoring and the cats when I need to. Sure, it will be pretty damn cold out there sometimes but I like the cold.

Even though it was his idea, my husband was getting a bit balky about the whole shed thing. Not the first time something like this has occurred. He gets instant buyer’s remorse from loads of decisions, the opposite of me, I am at peace once a decision has been made, my anxiety melts away. When we bought our house he was instantly overcome with doubt, did we pick the right one? What if_____???? (fill in with any house disaster imaginable, repeat until you run out of ideas.) I was filled with anxiety until we decided on this house and the sale actually went through. Once it was ours I was utterly at peace. To all his what ifs my, at least internal reaction, was: So what? Once it’s ours we just deal with whatever comes up, things are settled, decided, and IF we showed up and found the house on fire, say, and sinking into a swamp, my attitude would be, “Ok, first we put out the fire, then we shore up the side that’s sinking and call someone in here to make a hell of a retaining wall. We got this.” When he beats himself up thinking some poor parenting decisions might have contributed to our kid’s issues, I say; “These are the kids we have. This is where they are. It doesn’t really matter how they got here we just have to help them where they are. We got this.” I get where he’s coming from, it isn’t like I don’t have doubts too, or don’t beat myself up over the past, but I stomp on those doubts and try to deal with what’s in front of us. I don’t know, maybe I’m just better at being in denial over things and he’s just more honest with himself. It’s really quite striking how opposite we are in this area though.

Anyway, he was getting balky about my shed, as I started to say before the inevitable side-track, and near choked when I told him the estimate. ($15,000 for anyone tuning in for the first time.) But he had no reason for alarm, my budget is $1,500 and I’m not insane. He started saying ‘if only the older kids would move out…” but I stopped him. I said; “No, I’ve thought about this a lot, I’ve been thinking about this for Years. I don’t want my studio to be a room in our house, I want it to be separate, mine, only for me. I never considered a room in the house, I thought about renting space, getting a mobile home of some sort, or a shed.” And I think he heard me, and understood me, finally. Usually understanding between us is easy, it’s only lately we seem to be running into some small issues. I think it’s me, I think I’ve changed a bit, I’ve hit a point where if I don’t start taking my own needs seriously my life will be over and I won’t ever have put myself first in any meaningful way. I’m not some martyr, I’ve indulged myself in certain ways, buying books, getting certain items that make me feel spoiled rotten, but this is important and will truly help me be ME.

Meanwhile, my husband works a job that drives him crazy And goes to school for a degree to help lift all of us. I know, I do feel that it’s unbalanced, the hope is, in my mind, that he will finish up this degree in a matter of several months and then, with the time freed up, maybe he will write or do something else that feeds his soul. And I will guard his creative soul-feeding as fiercely as I have guarded his study time. Also, when I say that the shed/studio is mine, I mean that, I need to have control of it, but I do not intend to exclude him from using it. If he wants to study in the loft while I paint I would love that. I’m also making sure that I have the means out there to cook a bit and I fully intend to make meals just for the 2 of us, to light candles, put on music, and have it be a place of peace and respite from the world. A place where we can be alone for a while. Privacy has been ridiculously hard to come by in our house. With the kids all in their teens and 20s we literally never know when they will pop by our room with some request or news or nonsense. I know they could walk to the shed too but I think they might just be able to understand not to wander by with trivia and not want to make the slightly added effort.