The Shed and Decluttering…

Got an email at last. Someone is coming tomorrow to assess what will be needed to put the new windows in the shed and make a plan to move forward on the things I can afford to get done now. Yay! All the traps I put out have only caught one mouse so far. I am beyond shocked and will keep a watch on the situation. My guess is that the little buggers are crafty AF and that there are loads of them.

Been working on cleaning and decluttering lately. So much to do. Actually, my trunk is full and I should stop writing and go drop off a load of stuff at the Survival Center.

Allergies

Have I bitched about my food allergies yet? UGH. I am allergic to many things, which I may have already mentioned, but now I am allergic to something or somethings new and I don’t know what. It is so frustrating planning every meal around this list, being so damn careful, and then reacting to something anyway. I’ve been having a reaction since Saturday and I am so freaking over it. *SIGH* At least Benedryl means I sleep pretty well.

Mostly Meal Planning/Saving $

I have to be at my place of work every day this week. I’m working tonight, tomorrow night, have a 1 hour staff meeting Wednesday morning, a 2 hour training Thursday, work Friday night and all day Saturday. I know, I’m lucky, I work part time not full time, but I’m still responsible for getting the kids to and from school every day, making sure dinner is on the table even when I’m not here to eat it, and doing most of the housework. The logistics of this week are nuts. I think I also have my handyperson coming to start working on the shed.

I won’t be here for dinner 4 nights out of 5 this week so I had to scramble to make plans for 4 dinners I can make ahead and implore the gods my kids will remember to put in the oven. Tonight will be vagabond packets, tomorrow I told my husband they can make sandwiches as I got the nice sandwich rolls, deli meat etc, Thursday will be seafood casserole, Friday Lasagna and I’ll be here to cook Wednesday and hopefully my husband will BBQ on Saturday since I’ll be coming through the door right at dinner time. Sometimes I really feel like having to cook for everyone all the time is some kind of tyranny imposed on me. I like cooking, it’s just trying to come up with meals, especially ones that have to be in a slow-cooker or can just be popped in the oven by someone else, is such a thankless task. I’ve had so many slow-cooker cookbooks, and searched for so many recipes online for casseroles, for slow-cooker recipes, etc. and there are millions of recipes out there but a lot of them are awful or variations on each other.

I keep the above list in my Bullet Journal and use it every week to try to plan our dinners. Some of the ideas refer to specific recipes and some are sort of just a theme. Soup and salad could be any of several homemade soups I like to make and any sort of salad, for instance, or tacos and rice could be any kind of meat, veg, cheese, & tortillas, chips, guac. etc. My method is simple, I look at my schedule and see how many dinners I will not be home for and then I pick that many meals I can more-or-less make ahead, fill in the gaps with whatever meals I want to make for the other nights and then make a shopping list based on whatever I’ll need that isn’t on hand already. What I’ll actually purchase is based on the list but gets adjusted to take advantage of any great sales I find at the grocery store. I might have planned to make turkey burritos but if ground beef is cheaper that week, or ground pork etc, I adjust.

I spend $70-$140 week on groceries for 5 of us depending on a few factors. (that figure includes pet food, paper goods, food wrap, and toiletries) I do not consider the amount I spend to be very low, it is less than most people I know spend and I know where I can make changes to spend less when I need to. If you are spending more than you’d like to and want to trim your food budget there is a good chance that you can. There are a few things I do that help me save significantly on food that you can try out or adapt to your needs.

#1. I think the most important thing I do to keep food expenses under control is maintaining a well-stocked pantry. My pantry consists of a decent sized double cupboard in the kitchen and a set of cupboards in my laundry room, I’m not sure what the cubic footage is but I’ll check soon and report back if anyone is interested. (drop a comment to let me know if you feel like it.) My pantry contains many things:

Baking Supplies: flour, sugar, baking powder & baking soda, brown sugar, molasses, honey, chocolate chips, vanilla, etc etc. (I keep lots of flour sealed up in the freezer too to prevent bugs when storing longer term)
Canned goods: Vegetables, tuna, all kinds of beans including baked beans and refried beans, as well as the plain kinds, pre-made soups and pasta in sauce, (for casseroles and power outages etc)
Boxes of pasta. I have a LOT of pasta. Upwards of 40 lbs. most or the time. Plus 10-20 boxes of mac & cheese and 50+ ramen noodle packets.
Jars of pasta sauce. I usually have 20-30 on hand.
Condiments and salad dressings. I keep 5+ ketchup, mustard, mayo, pickles, hot sauce, siracha, green salsa, red salsa, soy sauce, shelf-stable dressings, etc, etc.
Quick sides like instant potato packets, or packets of broccoli-cheese pasta that I can whip up easy for myself if I feel unwell or use with other ingredients to make an easy side casserole to go with dinner if I’m strapped for time, unwell, or suddenly have more folks at my table.
Tea and coffee. I have an entire shelf taken up with various teas, most cheap, some a little special. I like to have something that might appeal to anyone who stops by. I have coffee for my daughter and for guests it’s plain because I know nothing about coffee.
Cereals both hot and cold. I keep oats for cooking and various oatmeals for my daughter who likes it. I keep 1-4 boxes of cold cereal on hand mostly slightly healthier seeming stuff, no bright colors, no marshmallows, etc.
Peanut butter and jams/jellies. I keep around 3-12 jars of PB around at all times for sandwiches, snacking, and sauces. I keep a few jars of jam/jelly around in various flavors for sandwiches, baking, etc.
A mad assortment of spices bought in bulk, given to me by people moving, harvested, dried & jarred by me, or grabbed relatively cheaply at Trader Joe’s.

All that stuff up above? I buy a LOT of whenever it’s on an excellent sale. I almost never find myself forced to pay 4+ dollars for mayo because whenever it hits $2-$3 I stock up. I get my ketchup for $2/bottle at Trader Joe’s because that is very cheap for ketchup without high fructose corn syrup. Pasta I grab at $1 or less per pound, Pasta sauce when it hits $1/quart, etc.

#2 Making use of my freezer. Right behind the pantry in importance is my freezer, or freezers. I have the typical top-of-the-fridge and a medium chest freezer. I keep various types of foods in my freezer to save money.

Meat. I stock up when anything is super cheap and repackage bulk packs into portions that match the amounts I typically cook with. Ground beef, chicken, kielbasa, bacon, etc.
Frozen veggies. Mostly broccoli and sliced bell peppers, sometimes cauliflower and other things. I stock up when these hit $1/10 oz package and use when fresh is unavailable/too expensive.
Butter. I buy butter for $3/lb or less. (Only making exceptions at the holidays if I have managed to run out.) I keep 5-10 lbs on hand if I can.
Flour. I keep most of my flour, sealed up in layered bags, in the freezer. Flour can get moths in the cupboard and I hate to waste it. I buy when it’s super cheap and use it for AGES. I keep 20+ lbs around and buy when it’s .20-.40 cents/lb.
Rice. It can get buggy just like flour so the rice lives in the freezer. I keep 30+lbs on hand and buy it when it’s on sale. Prices vary wildly depending on the type of rice.

#3 Farmshare. You may or may not have this option in your area. We are part of a CSA: Community Supported Agriculture, where we pay a local farmer a certain amount in the spring and then stop by the farm weekly to get a share of the produce. Currently our farm share costs $650 and we get 8-9 items per week, June – November. (PLUS “field items.”) To give you an idea of what you might get here is this week’s share: (which I chose from among the available options) 2 lbs potatoes, 4 heads of lettuce, 4 lbs red peppers, 6 leeks, 2 acorn squash, 2 lbs onions, several hot peppers, approx. 5 lbs tomatillos, fresh flowers, fresh herbs: cilantro, thyme, oregano, basil. … I think that’s it for this week. Our farmshare only goes for 6 out of 12 months but it keeps us in winter squash, garlic and a few other things through to spring.

#4, (and lastly for now as I need to pre-make dinner and get myself ready for work) Meal Planning. I do what I outlined above. Check my schedule, pick our dinners, make a list based on what isn’t already in the house, and make adjustments based on killer sale prices. I used to use the weekly flyers from the grocery stores to plan meals around sales but have found my current method to be slightly more effective/less stressful. Meal planning saves us money in more than 1 way. First it takes advantage of the pantry & freezer & second it almost always keeps us from resorting to ordering pizza or grabbing meals out. If there is a plan in place, barring accidents, emergencies or migraines, I fit it into my schedule and it is pretty stress free.

That’s pretty much it. If you start keeping a pantry or stocking your freezer just ROTATE the food, meaning: put the NEW stuff in the back/bottom and pull the Older stuff to the front. Use your pantry don’t just leave it sit. Take the older stuff at the front to prepare your meals and add the new stuff to the back as you go and you should do alright.

CAUTION: RANTING AHEAD

Okay, I’m going to vent, you’ve been warned.

I have 3 non-neuro-typical kids ages 17-26. All of them still live at home and are not fully functioning adults at this time. All 3 suffer from depression, 2 from anxiety, all 3 have other issues as well. The older 2 kids are my kids and my husband’s step-kids which adds a little something to the mix. My husband has a good job that keeps a roof over our heads, food on the table, etc. etc. I work part time.

My eldest works part time and studies a computer book toward a certification… hopefully. Eldest drives and deals with her car insurance and oil changes and stuff. She helps around the house doing dishes, vacuuming, pet care. She spends some of her time writing what I think she describes as fanfic. Her writing, and the response she gets to it, give her a boost of self-esteem. I’m in favor of that.

Middle child goes to a local community college studying for an English degree at this time. (it changes sometimes) The only work she’s ever been able to get is work study at the college. She probably comes close to paying us back each semester for her classes, books etc. but that’s it. She paints gaming miniatures for money whenever she can. Work there is very sporadic. She’s good at it but it’s super niche’ and a luxury few can afford. She mowed the lawn roughly 1x/week for $20/week this summer. We support her financially, obviously. She has been trying to learn to drive for years but is in no way ready to be driving on her own. Honestly, she’s bad at it. Autism in her case means not being able to process everything and make good decisions quickly. I wish my husband would give up on it, it seems like something she shouldn’t do, but we live in a rural area and she either drives, gets us to drive her, or moves to a city with great public transport which is slightly complicated by her not being able to get a job or manage her life.

Youngest is 17. He’s doing pretty well so far this year even though his 2 best friends both moved on to different schools. He seems to be making other friends and is doing ok in his classes. He’s got an adulting class which makes him anxious because he hates thinking of the future, not sure WTF to do about that. I tell him there’s no pressure on him, just calmly look at all the options and think about what he’d like to explore, nothing carved in stone, no scary deadline, and so on. I’m working with him trying to get him to manage his daily life better. He needs to get up on time in the morning, which means getting to sleep at a reasonable hour, needs to learn to keep up with cleaning his room, doing his laundry and so on. He is interested in learning to cook to the point where he can keep himself happily fed, so we work on that. He’s great at coming up with marinades and he handles all of that, he’s learning to make certain dishes and to BBQ a bit. He handles most of the dog care. He doesn’t drive yet, doesn’t have a permit. He seemed like he wanted to but backed off for some reason.

So, they are all behind where they “should” be, where most kids are at their ages, we focus on encouraging them, trying to add to their responsibilities, being supportive. It’s a struggle, it’s frustrating, it’s hard not to despair sometimes. It super doesn’t help that my husband is surrounded by high achieving kids at work, constantly bombarded by beaming parents boasting about their amazing offspring. It’s demoralizing for him and it makes him more frustrated with the kids than he might be otherwise. For myself I could stand not to have my mother constantly tell me how awesome a job my sisters did at parenting, how great their kids are and how she worries so much about mine. STFU MOM! NOT helping! I have 2 sisters, we each ended up having 3 kids, one sister has 3 neurotypical kids, the other has 2 NT and one who isn’t. Would you look at the one non-neurotypical kid? Wow, he’s doing so great. He is, he’s doing great and I am over the moon that he is. I love him. What I can’t take one more freaking second of is the idea that I somehow failed my kids, which my mother CLEARLY believes and likes to rub in my face.

It isn’t fair at all to compare my sister and I and blame my parenting for the fact that my kids aren’t burning up the sky like all parents wish for their kids. My sister had so much help that I never got. Her in-laws were very involved and often took the kids for a weekend or a week, they babysat, they helped with expenses, they got involved in the kid’s lives in real ways. During her last pregnancy, our actual father moved to live in her state, in her town, and started helping too. His parents followed him out there and lent their support. My sister is smart and fairly driven, she got a degree and a a good job and had the built in support to be able to work while other people helped out with driving and watching the kids as needed. Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of her, she did amazing, but if I had the kind of support she did I might be amazing too. We will never know. With her husbands very good job and all the support they have been able to afford everything they have needed for their kids. Nothing has really been out of reach for them, which is so cool, I really am happy for them. I love my sis, her hubby and their kids. I can’t tell you how proud I am of them. I just don’t need to hear it so, so, so often. Because….

I live very near my mom. She did not babysit. She helped with rides, which I am grateful for, but we paid for those rides with the stress of dealing with her. She could not deal with the difficulties that come with dealing with my kids, my eldest was a handful when she was younger, and my mother made it worse by setting her off, blaming me for not handling her correctly, etc. I was so stuck. She was the only one I had to help at all and it came at such a cost. She helped financially at times, always with the understanding she would be paid back in full, which we did though it was difficult. My husband’s family was useless in helping with the kids. They didn’t care to be involved with the older 2, though his brothers enjoyed spending time with them on their rare visits. We spent years utterly strapped financially with occasional bouts of being on an even keel. We had my ex to deal with and the insanity of him trying to force the older kids into his religion, then his eventual rejection of the kids as they refused to join. All the work has been on us, we are exhausted, we are demoralized and we wish like hell we knew what to do.

But this is where we are. We have 3 grown and almost grown kids who are not where they should be with life goals, accomplishments and mental health. We have loved and loved and loved these kids and done our best with what we’ve had to work with. We had therapists, doctors, and we did what we could to expose them to interests but we couldn’t afford much. We’re still trying, we’re still working hard while most people with kids the same ages as ours are now able to brag about their kid’s accomplishments we get to answer “how are the kids?” with; “They’re doing ok. Eldest is working part time, middle is in school part time, and youngest is in HS… no the younger ones aren’t driving yet, no they don’t have jobs….” Progress is glacial.

Please, if you have amazing, neuro-typical kids who are doing wonderful, I know you want to brag, and I get it, I am truly happy for you, but please try to remember that some of your friends and family have kids who are not neuro-typical or have other challenges, and though they LOVE your kids and are happy for you, hearing about all the wonderful milestones your kids breeze through can be really painful. It is heartbreaking to work so hard, invest so much love and support, watch the slow, painful progress, and when you feel some small germ of hope because a friend was tentatively made, or a kid is finally taking 3/4 of a full schedule of classes, or at last broke 30 hours/week at their part time job… to hear that someone else’s kid has 20 friends and they are all going to do charity work together in a foreign land, or they just graduated, got their masters with a 4.0, or landed an awesome fortune 500 level job. etc etc.

I don’t know what my kids might accomplish, they are bright, sweet, amazing people. They aren’t where most people their ages are, they don’t have it all together yet, or even mostly together, they can’t even fake it, really. But they are kind and creative and I am proud of them. It just feels really awful when someone asks how the kids are and I say, “well, middle child joined the history club at community college, so that’s encouraging.” and they answer with, “Oh, this other kid just got accepted at 6 ivy league schools and has to choose which one to go to now. ” I know they don’t mean to make me feel terrible but I do. My kid did a tiny thing, their’s did a huge thing. I feel like my kid’s accomplishments don’t matter, it will never be enough, it’s all some kind of competition.

Ok, I’m done. I don’t know if I feel any better, but I’m done.

Slacker

OK, it’s official, I’ve been slacking off on this little blog. I got sick and busy and lost in my own head, a problem I suffer from from time to time. I’m quite prone to getting lost in my own labyrinth of a mind.

Let’s see… I’m ok with the new hair, it’s meh but it is pretty much for a Halloween costume so … whatever, it’s fine. I’m going to re-dye it soon, go lighter. got most of my costume worked out and now need some parties to go to. I have a couple of friends throwing parties so it shouldn’t be a problem. I’m no longer sick, just still tired and dragging, so improvement!

I’m a teen librarian, as you probably already know, and I run a Teen Advisory Board Group every month. This past Monday I had 9 kids show up! I usually get 3-4 so this is a big deal to me. My programs haven’t been super well attended but I think I am having some small impact. The kids love my ideas but showing up is a whole other thing, it’s tough I know, they have to have the motivation/energy and most of them need their parents to drive them, another hurdle, so I get it. (NINE!!! ^_^) They are very excited for the Harry Potter movie showing I have planned for December with Butterbeer and word puzzles which can be completed for a chance to win hand made house scarves …which I REALLY need to get working on. I have kids interested in staring an LGBT club, kids who want to get together for arts and crafts, kids who want a book club and …wow, that’s already a LOT of stuff for me to manage on top of all the other things we’ve got going. (TAB, Pathfinder and 1-2 random programs per month)

It’s kind of amazing having a job I care about and where I am making some kind of difference. I love it.

Good Day

I just finished reading a book called A Curse so Dark and Lonely: by Brigid Kemmerer and it was just wonderful. It is a young adult novel but don’t let that stop you, seriously, YA authors write some amazing books and I should know. It’s a fairy tale, sort of a new take on Beauty and the Beast but it is fresh and original. I took it out of my library yesterday and finished reading it tonight. That is unusual for me of late though it was once my solid M.O. If you like fantasy, fairy tales, adventure etc. I highly recommend this book.

My Bullet Journal workshop ended up having 3 sign ups though 1 of the kids was too ill to attend. I took the 2 who were there through the basics of setting up a BUJO and using it and referred them to the Bullet Journal Book and website as well as mentioning the hundreds of videos on the subject if they feel stuck or lost. They were both enthusiastic about it and I hope they will check back in with me sometime to let me know if it has helped them get organized.

Hair Disaster

Halloween is a high holiday around here. I was super bummed when the kids decided they were too old for Trick-or-Treating but my husband and I still dress up and go to parties, we wear costumes to work if it’s allowed or encouraged. Last year we went as Hogwarts students. We sometimes dress up in whatever’s easiest/lying around like zombies or cartoonish Vikings, sometimes my husband has some crazy idea that needs more serious shopping. A few years ago he went as Matt Murdock and I went as Jessica Jones, that was fun, this year he’s going as Crowley and I’ll be Aziraphale. Since I hate wigs I obviously use Halloween as an excuse to dye my hair whatever color I need to. My blond came out a little honeyed which is fine. I never try to copy whoever I’m going as, I’m looking to create my own take on a character. Since I am female so is Aziraphale and I thought an asymmetrical bob would be cute… oops. I look hideous and I don’t know what I can do about it. My son suggests shaving my head. He’s soooooo helpful.

My only hope is that this is hair shock and I’ll get used to it and start to like it. Until then I will be under the bed.

Thoughts While Waiting

I’ve removed as much junk as I can without a truck, gathered as many building supplies as I can without a truck, and installed new locks. Now all I can do is wait for Anita to email me back with a time she can come help me. Ok, maybe not ALL I can do… I need to get a truck, and someone to drive it, and people to help shift the desks and random junk and get all that out of there. Right now I have things ready to go in there as soon as it seems reasonable, which is not now, like an old futon for the loft once it has a floor and things like that.

I can’t wait for the space to paint and I can’t wait for my little napping spot. I had Another crappy night’s sleep last night. My sweet husband snores and I can’t win with the cats. If I let them in they don’t curl up and go to sleep they lick our noses and demand to be pet. If I shut them out they scrabble at the door intermittently through the night. Top those two items off with my body aches and acid reflux and, I hate to tell you this, I cannot remember my last truly good night’s sleep. I intend to escape the snoring and the cats when I need to. Sure, it will be pretty damn cold out there sometimes but I like the cold.

Even though it was his idea, my husband was getting a bit balky about the whole shed thing. Not the first time something like this has occurred. He gets instant buyer’s remorse from loads of decisions, the opposite of me, I am at peace once a decision has been made, my anxiety melts away. When we bought our house he was instantly overcome with doubt, did we pick the right one? What if_____???? (fill in with any house disaster imaginable, repeat until you run out of ideas.) I was filled with anxiety until we decided on this house and the sale actually went through. Once it was ours I was utterly at peace. To all his what ifs my, at least internal reaction, was: So what? Once it’s ours we just deal with whatever comes up, things are settled, decided, and IF we showed up and found the house on fire, say, and sinking into a swamp, my attitude would be, “Ok, first we put out the fire, then we shore up the side that’s sinking and call someone in here to make a hell of a retaining wall. We got this.” When he beats himself up thinking some poor parenting decisions might have contributed to our kid’s issues, I say; “These are the kids we have. This is where they are. It doesn’t really matter how they got here we just have to help them where they are. We got this.” I get where he’s coming from, it isn’t like I don’t have doubts too, or don’t beat myself up over the past, but I stomp on those doubts and try to deal with what’s in front of us. I don’t know, maybe I’m just better at being in denial over things and he’s just more honest with himself. It’s really quite striking how opposite we are in this area though.

Anyway, he was getting balky about my shed, as I started to say before the inevitable side-track, and near choked when I told him the estimate. ($15,000 for anyone tuning in for the first time.) But he had no reason for alarm, my budget is $1,500 and I’m not insane. He started saying ‘if only the older kids would move out…” but I stopped him. I said; “No, I’ve thought about this a lot, I’ve been thinking about this for Years. I don’t want my studio to be a room in our house, I want it to be separate, mine, only for me. I never considered a room in the house, I thought about renting space, getting a mobile home of some sort, or a shed.” And I think he heard me, and understood me, finally. Usually understanding between us is easy, it’s only lately we seem to be running into some small issues. I think it’s me, I think I’ve changed a bit, I’ve hit a point where if I don’t start taking my own needs seriously my life will be over and I won’t ever have put myself first in any meaningful way. I’m not some martyr, I’ve indulged myself in certain ways, buying books, getting certain items that make me feel spoiled rotten, but this is important and will truly help me be ME.

Meanwhile, my husband works a job that drives him crazy And goes to school for a degree to help lift all of us. I know, I do feel that it’s unbalanced, the hope is, in my mind, that he will finish up this degree in a matter of several months and then, with the time freed up, maybe he will write or do something else that feeds his soul. And I will guard his creative soul-feeding as fiercely as I have guarded his study time. Also, when I say that the shed/studio is mine, I mean that, I need to have control of it, but I do not intend to exclude him from using it. If he wants to study in the loft while I paint I would love that. I’m also making sure that I have the means out there to cook a bit and I fully intend to make meals just for the 2 of us, to light candles, put on music, and have it be a place of peace and respite from the world. A place where we can be alone for a while. Privacy has been ridiculously hard to come by in our house. With the kids all in their teens and 20s we literally never know when they will pop by our room with some request or news or nonsense. I know they could walk to the shed too but I think they might just be able to understand not to wander by with trivia and not want to make the slightly added effort.

Regrouped

That crazy estimate knocked me for a loop. Wow. Obviously I have no idea what time and labor and materials all cost. Crazy. I was super bummed but quickly realized that I need the space to work or I will lose my mind. So I determined to get working on it and see what can be done. The handy-person has agreed to work with my very low budget and focus on what is essential to me and we will deal with making it pretty later, insulating it later… I’m going to have to save up the money for each phase of this.

So I braved a trip into a nearby-ish city to visit a reclaimed building supplies store. I hate driving in practically any traffic, I hate too many lanes, I die a little trying to navigate in unfamiliar places. It spikes my anxiety. I managed to get the 2 essential windows for a total of $75, I also grabbed a small cabinet for $15. I emailed the handy-person and now I wait to hear back. She’ll be installing the windows, using plywood to create the 2 loft spaces, putting in a ladder or something, and moving the support for the lighting over for me. Those are the essentials I need handled. I will board over the interior window opening and paint the counter and shelves or wrap them in oilcloth or something and there’s my studio in it’s stripped down form. I’m not saying it will be comfy this winter but I’m hoping to get some use out of it.

F***!

I got the estimate… holy freaking fuck. $15,000.00. For Real. So I’m rethinking everything and trying to come up with a much shorter list of simpler projects so I can have the barest bones of what I need. I was utterly crushed when I go the estimate but now I’m determined. I’m going to have what I need, do things myself as much as I can, and not give up. CRUSHED. My budget was about $1,500.00. LOL